Boyfriend is upset that I'm not a good stepmom
I just need a place to vent this. My boyfriend love each other to death. The only issues we've had in our relationship have been related to his kids. It's slowly gotten better as he's stepped up with enforcing rules and I've learned to disengage, but it's still really draining for me.
He and his ex wife were really lazy parents. When I first met SS11 and SS14, they didn't even wash their hands after using the bathroom. Their parents also never made the brush their teeth, clean up after themselves, or do homework. SS14 is also very rude to me sometimes, and I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells with him. I love my stepkids, but they don't make it very easy.
I don't think it should be on me to ask them to pick up after themselves and brush their teeth and discipline them, especially if I will be met with an attitude. Instead, I tell my boyfriend that he needs to tell them to clean up. When they lose their keys I tell him he needs to create consequences for these types of things, otherwise he'll just let it go. It's tiring to having to constantly remind him to do his job as a parent. I will say that I can see he is honestly trying, and he's gotten a LOT better over time.
He tells me that at some point I'm going to need to tell them to do things like pick up and brush their teeth. No. I will not pick up the slack for his and his ex's lazy parenting. I'm not going take on being the only one in their lives enforcing rules.
My boyfriend recently admitted that he's really disappointed in me as a stepmom. He has this vision of us as a happy family and me being his kids' best friend. I'd like that too, but none of this is easy and he needs to lower his expectations. I do feel bad because I've been a part of his kids' lives for over a year, and we're still basically strangers. I admit that I have a really hard time connecting with them.
Maybe I am in the wrong and should be doing more. But my gut tells me to keep disengaging for the most part until he's able to better shape his kids' behavior. I just don't know what to do because it hurts him when I tell him that. He interprets it as me not caring about his kids. I love my stepkids, but I don't have the patience or time in my life to correct his and his ex's past mistakes.
Thanks for taking the time to read, and I appreciate any insight or advice as I'm still relatively new to all of this.
No, what he had a vision of
No, what he had a vision of was you taking over parenting duties so he could put his feet up and relax.
You are doing it exactly how it should be done, in my opinion. They are his kids, he needs to parent them and clean up after them, not you.
Yeah right. His kids' best
Yeah right. His kids' best friends? He is unrealistic. And I agree with tog, he likely expected you to do all parenting and heavy lifting.
You should not be expected to
You should not be expected to raise someone else's children, especially when Thier own parents are alive and well. You should not be expected to bear the burden of parenting, while the BPs sit back and relax.
You absolutely should continue to make parenting SOs responsibility. Because the reality is those kids already have parents, who they are bonded with. They will never look at you or feel about you the same way they do Thier own parents. You stepping in and acting like Thier parent is more than likely to cause resentment from SKs.
I already made the mistake of helping SO parent his kids and learned a hard lesson from it. It caused resentment from the kids towards me and me towards them, as well as problems between SO and I. Not worth it.
That's already happened to me
That's already happened to me, too. I tried stepping up a little bit more as a step parent for a time over the summer, and it completely blew up in my face. It caused a lot of resentment between me and SS14 that took months to recover from. Lesson learned.
You are right, he is wrong
Yoy are seeing things very clearly, good for you! Your boyfriend has a nice fantasy in his head. He replaces the ex with a new mom who takes over all the training and discipline. He might be operating under that old " I make the living, she raises the kids" policy. Thats not how it works nowadays.
Stick with your guns, Tortilla.
I can't stand it when people
I can't stand it when people still think like that. Luckily my boyfriend isn't one of those types. Still, though, I work 45+ hours per week starting my dream career and go to school full time. Those are my priorities, not raising kids. If he needs a girlfriend who will be the perfect stepmom, it's not going to be me. I wish that step moms didn't have to fight uphill against these sorts of expectations.
Tortilla, your boyfriend
Tortilla, your boyfriend sounds like a manipulator. Those are his kids and you have ZERO responsibility for them. Whatever you do for them is by choice, YOUR choice not his or BM. Perhaps you should have had a discussion with him about this early on. Not saying it would have worked, but at least you could have referenced back to that and let him know he knew where you stood at the very beginning.
He can interpret things however he wants and I would tell him that. Those are NOT your kids. He needs to work their caregiving out with BM NOT you. Smh
You have been in his kids life only over a year? No way in hell would he have any expectations that I would do anything for them. Your relationship with him is still fairly new. Wtf?
My boyfriend recently
My boyfriend recently admitted that he's really disappointed in me as a stepmom
Oh, gee, that's too bad. Was that supposed to make you feel guilty? Upset? Want to do better?
Just another man who wants somebody else to do his parenting for him.
Follow your gut. Keep disengaging and make him be the parent, since, ya know, he is the parent.
He doesn't need a girlfriend,
He doesn't need a girlfriend, he needs one of those British supernannies. Please don't take on any more than you already have. In fact, do less!
Except Super Nanny would put
Except Super Nanny would put him in his place and tell him to step up and parent his kids, lol. He wants a woman who will just naturally take over, because ya know, that's all we women want to do, we can't help but nurture kids. /s
He is upset that you are not
He is upset that you are not a good stepmom? Why aren't you mad that he is a worthless parent with feral ass kids?
And no offense to you (because even tho you do not have children, you sound like a better parent than the kids have), but does he just want anyone/whoever is currently available to do the parenting for his lazy ass? You are not even married - so no commitment from him, but raise my ferals for me. Hard pass.
Also, you said that "you love the kids" but also they are "still bascically strangers". It's ok if you don't love his kids. It's ok if you never love his kids. Love is not something that can be forced. Honestly, his kids don't sound very loveable!
Sorry not sorry, your bf sounds like a manipulating ass.
"It's ok if you don't love
"It's ok if you don't love his kids. It's ok if you never love his kids." I didn't realize how much I needed to hear this. If I was a parent, I would obviously want my SO to love my kids, but you're right that it can't be forced.
A few people said he sounds manipulative and honestly, without more context it seems like that from my post. That wasn't my intention - he really isn't. He's just ignorant and new to a lot of this too. He's basing his expecations more on hallmark movies than reality.
His expectations are based on
His expectations are based on the fact that he'd rather you parent his kids so that he doesn't have to.
I do not expect my SO to love
I do not expect my SO to love my son, and I certainly do not want him parenting him. I have raised my son all these years alone and that is my responsibility.
That being said ,I am always open to helpful suggestions even criticism. Yes I expect my son to be respectful to SO as he is expected to be with any adult. SO should redirect him when he is out of line or being disrespectful. SO is welcome to teach him new skills and be involved as much as he chooses. It's just not an expectation. As DS parent I accept full responsibility for meeting all his needs anything SO chooses to do is an added bonus.
The only way you're going to
The only way you're going to be his kids' best friend is for you to be their doormat and give them whatever they want whenever they want it. What kind of kid would like negative consequences to their actions and being made to do things they don't want to do. Are you planning to have kids in the future? His kids are a walking advertisement for contraception!
It's ok to admit you feel nothing positive for his kids. Like I've told my DH about SD, it's all relative - give me one reason why she should make me feel the warm fuzzies towards her. Not because she's DH's daughter and he loves her but name one positive thing that she's ever directly done towards me that gives her existence one tick in he positive column. And if she's never done anything nice then I have no reason why I should like her. At this stage with all the crap in the air he's lucky if I just feel indifferent and not downright hateful.
Yes. It's like society has
Yes. It's like society has conditioned us to keep trying to convince people (and ourselves) that we love our partner's kids just because they do. But how is that really possible if the kid is disrespectful, manipulative, or violent (or all 3!)
How is it possible even, to be happy they exist, if there is a manipulative, enmeshed BM who you have to deal with on a daily basis just because the little cherub exists? "But if we don't put up with BM, we might not get to see violent little disrespectful Johnny as much!"
Oh no. That sounds awful.
You couldn’t be more truthful
I had to laugh because BM is a raging bitch and I'm feeling resentful having to deal with her feral spawn.
When he told you he's
When he told you he's disappointed in you as a stepmom I hope you told him you're disappointed in his parenting his children. How hilarious that you're supposed to do the heavy parental lifting as a step parent that he has failed to do himself as a bio parent.
IMO, the only thing you need
IMO, the only thing you need to do to be a good stepmom is to be polite to the kids and treat them kindly. Being a stepmom doesn't mean acting like a parent, it doesn't mean you have to love them, and it certainly doesn't mean disciplining them if you don't want to or it causes problems. And how in the world do you act like a parent but also be a best friend? Parents aren't supposed to be their kids' best friends. In fact, the two are pretty incompatible, at least before the kids are adults.
I DO discipline my skids, because my DH is a Disney dad/lazy parent and I don't want a bunch of dirty, smelly, messy, ill behaved kids in my house. He backs me up 100% when I discipline, even though he doesn't effectively discipline them himself (his attempts are laughable). I'm also a SAHM, so it's not like I can wait for DH to get home for everything. Some things need to be done in the moment. But that is MY CHOICE. I don't do it because my DH wants me to, or because I aspire to be a great stepmom. Also, BM disciplines the skids, so it's not like they're ferals who are unused to any parenting.
I agree with Ursula, you should definitely let him know that you are disappointed in his parenting and in his expectations of you.
"the only thing you need to
"the only thing you need to do to be a good stepmom is to be polite to the kids and treat them kindly." I'm really glad you said this. I 100% agree, but I wasn't sure how to articulate it.
He wants you to actively
He wants you to actively parent them...AND be their best friend? Good grief. He's extremely out of touch with reality on both points.
Please continue to focus on your career and work. Date this guy if you want, but keep your options open. Hopefully you'll meet a guy without baggage and delusional expectations.
He and his ex need to get off their lazy asses and parent their own kids before they end up being a drain on society. Ugh. Lazy parents with loser kids piss me off.
How dare hesay he's
How dare hesay he's "disappointed in you as a step mom"???
I would be coming right back at that comment with the reply "well I am disappointed in you as a partner".
This sounds harsh when you say it, but it's true. A good partner would be taking this relationship slowly, and NOT expecting you to co parent his kids, while he sits back and doesn't step up.
Good luck. Even though some of the comments in this thread may seem direct and maybe not what you want to hear, they are good advice.
You have to stand firm. You have YOUR life and YOUR goals, don't let them vanish into oblivion.
That a big problem for me
These people married have kids with there ex. Did not get along with the ex. Divorce,, now the new SP is supposed to do what the ex did not do. Ex still does nothing but you get in trouble for not doing enough
I can relate!
I can relate to a lot of what you described. My bf (full time dad) wants me to love and treat his son like my own, however, the biological mom is still in the picture and the son visits her every other weekend. I honestly don’t know how I’m supposed to parent and treat some else’s son when both his parents are still around, my parenting style is a lot different to the biological mother’s so I already know it’s best for me to step aside and not step parent at all. I know this hurts my bf but I’ve been hurt in the past by the step mum for trying to parent her son. It’s a confusing situation for everyone and no matter how many times I try to discuss the situation, my feelings and reasons for stepping aside from parenting my bf still looks hurt. Gahhh it’s so frustrating! We used argue a little over this but now we both don’t even bring it up anymore but I think that’s worse than talking about it. I’m scared we will grow apart and I’ll have to leave the relatiohsip. I don’t have any kids of my own so it would be easy for me to move on and let him find that person who will treat his son like her own and be ok with compromising her own parenting standards and styles and doing what makes someone else happy. * sigh * so confusing. There are no issues between his son and I at all, we’re polite and respectful to each other, I treat him to a fun day out or dinner often, and occasionally take him clothes shopping (he’s growing fast!). I don’t see anything wrong with the friendship we have but I know my bf wants me to “be more of a mom”.
That does sound really
That does sound really frustrating. Especially when you feel like you can't talk about it with your bf. In my experience it's also just created more issues when I try to step up as more of a parental figure. I think being polite and respectful to each other and being able to enjoy each other's time together is really all you can ask for.
Between this post and the
Between this post and the other.. I'm a bit confused in the timing of your relationship... .were you seeing your BF while he was still married? or could it be reasonably assumed by his kids that you were?
I mean, while you may be compatible in a lot of areas.. the great age difference is going to factor in to how his kids view you.. and especially if they think you may have been some of the reason why their parents split.
Your BF has unrealistic expectations that everyone is going to be able to supress the unatural situation and just play happy family to assuage his guilt in breaking up his kids' "happy family". It is not natural for a 25 yo childless woman to be able to seamlessly slide into the mother/wife role of a man with teenage kids. Shoot.. you are closer to his son's age than his! Jumping into parenting midstream is no easy task.. especially under certain circumstances... like when the bio parents have had poor expectations of their children to date.
No way could you jump in and fix it.
I didn't read the comments
I didn't read the comments but I just want to say that your BF needs to be reminded that there are only 2 people in your relationship- You and Him. The only thing you "owe" his kids is basic courtesy and kindness. That is it. As kids in your home they owe you basic courtesy and respect as an adult in the home.
Tell him to stop pushing his fantasy on you, it isn't your job to be another mother. You are his girlfriend, maybe one day wife but that has nothing to do with his kids.
You are 100% right. You
You are 100% right. You should NOT parent his kids. The children have a Dad and BM to do that. You can't make up for their failures as a parent. Step Mom duties do not include being a best friend either. Your role is to support DH and simply show respect to the SKs. For example, if SKs ask you something "That's up to your dad... or What did your dad say?" You can't make up rules for them or enforce things that their parents don't care about. It's a waste of time. Your BF is delusional and a lazy parent. He thinks you're a "bad" SM because he is still having to do work. This lazy parenting is a red flag... especially since he is trying to dump it all on you. RUN