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What is he thinking?

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Submitted by Wicked stepmo. on Sat, 06/12/2021 - 8:13am

I am often curious as to what goes in in SOs head sometimes and can only speculate. We recently had a conversation that was so out there in my mind I couldn't help but laugh.

I was talking to SO about my plans to purchase a second home soon to utilize as a camp. It has always been my dream and DS and I have some of the best memories together this town is our favorite place.  I will be able to rent it when I am not there to make up for the added coat of ownership.

SO is aware my plan is to retire early and and I will have to live off my investments until I reach actual retirement age. So I plan I putting the camp in trust to DS as his inheritance when I die.

SOs response to this had me completely floored.

SO: What about my kids?

Me: What about them? 

SO: Aren't you going to include my kids?

Me: No why would I? 

SO: Well I think it would be nice to leave it to DS and SKs that way they can sell it and split the money.

Me: That defeats the purpose of me leaving DS something he can enjoy during his life. Also SKs are not my kids why would I have any obligation to include them in my will when they have two parents of Thier own who should be doing that for them. I am not asking you to leave DS anything, nor to I expect you to. 

SO: Well I will likely be doing work on it.

Me: Yeah well you will also be living in it and using it without any financial obligations. But hey if it bothers you that much I can hire someone to do those things. Also, according to you, SKs are inheriting your antique car and your parents house. I don't recall asking you what DS was getting. So what's the difference? 

SO: Well I will include DS.

Me: No thanks, DS is not your responsibility and it would only cause more problems and more drama with BM and SKs because they are greedy. 

I can't even fathom what he could possibly be thinking. His kids hate my guts, are completely self-centered and have nothing to do with me. He is shocked that they are not included in my future plans. 

Comments

Molly77's picture

Submitted by Molly77 on Sat, 06/12/2021 - 8:29am

Good job! Stick to your guns! You are not obligated to leave SK anything. And having something for your DS that is special for him is a great idea! I don't know your situation but with blended  families and drama that goes with it something that is just yours and your sons is just what he needs! That's your bond with him your not entitled to give them anything! My husband and I had a daughter that is now 3 he bought us a house that is under my name and my daughter will inherit it. His older daughter will inherit her moms house which my husband also pays for. 
there will be no quarrels between the two siblings they both have a house. That's how it should be your step kids have their own inheritance from his side and your son has his own. It's perfect don't let him persuade you otherwise! 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Submitted by Wicked stepmo. on Sat, 06/12/2021 - 8:42am

Trust me I have zero plans of doing anything for SKs. I was shocked he even brought it up. SKs don't even talk to him, but he is worried about what they are getting.

diver111's picture

Submitted by diver111 on Sat, 06/12/2021 - 9:09am

I've reminded my husband that we need to update our wills/trust soon. It's been a few years. So we will have a conversation like this. SD is 29 and has very little contact with him and no contact with me or our BSs (mine and DH). Right now, if I die first, it all goes to DH and if he dies first, it all goes to me. But, I've been thinking I would rather go ahead and pay out SD if DH dies first so I am done with her. Maybe one of his life insurance policies can go to her. Then, she and her spawn won't be chasing me the rest of my life. I can distribute to my boys as I wish. Now if I die first, not sure what to do. We have two homes that are jointly deeded (we have been married 25 years and built everything together). 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Submitted by Wicked stepmo. on Sat, 06/12/2021 - 9:17am

You should definitely decide what you want to to put into trust for BS in the event you pass first it will automatically pass to him when DH passes. Plus it protects your homes from being taken in the event either of you end up in long term care.

MissK03's picture

Submitted by MissK03 on Sat, 06/12/2021 - 9:15am

LOLLL coming from your experience with him and his kids.... why would you even consider such a thing?? 

That conversation was crazy talk. 

simifan's picture

Submitted by simifan on Sat, 06/12/2021 - 9:21am

Your SO is truly delusional. Your SDs aren't even welcome in your home(s), why in the world would he think you'd leave them part of them?

The_Upgrade's picture

Submitted by The_Upgrade on Sat, 06/12/2021 - 10:03am

How far does he want to take it? So if DS's biological father's side is leaving him an inheritance does DH expect SDs to get a share of that too? At this point it wouldn't surprise me if he answered "yes!" 

caninelover's picture

Submitted by caninelover on Sat, 06/12/2021 - 10:49am

It's like he got a case of temporary amnesia (at least I hope it's temporary).  After everything that's happened why would you leave his kids one cent?

I also don't plan on leaving SO's kids squat.  When I die, SO has the right to remain in the house until his death, but the house stays titled in the trust.  Once he dies or moves out it is sold and the proceeds go to my family (I have no kids but nieces, nephew's etc).

No way is Bratty getting a damn thing from me.

SteppedOut's picture

Submitted by SteppedOut on Sat, 06/12/2021 - 11:18am

I do not understand why you are clinging to this relationship. Dispite your clear and firm communication relating to his family, he tries to "sneak them in" to your life a lot. Keeps bring it up here and there. Perhaps he thinks he can wear you down. Or the more you hear about it, the more it will be "normal" to you, as it is to him. It is normal to him. The two of you are just....different. Sometimes you just need to accept the "different" is too much to have a healthy relationship for both people. 

IDontCare3117's picture

Submitted by IDontCare3117 on Sat, 06/12/2021 - 12:24pm

I agree.  Why persist in a relationship that is NEVER going to be fully functional or healthy?

OP's boyfriend must have a Golden Rod.  That's all I can figure.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Submitted by Wicked stepmo. on Sat, 06/12/2021 - 9:39pm

Being completely honest. The exact conversation I had with my counselor was SOs characteristics that make him a shitty parent are the same ones that make him a great significant other for me.

I personally enjoy his laid back, easy going personality. The fact that he will bend over backwards for me. That he is thoughtful and considerate. I like that when I am upset he is upset and will do anything to fix it. . 

Unfortunately these things are not good when you are dealing with a HCBM and HC children.  In his situation you have to be the opposite in order for it to work.

I know I now have a very amicable relationship with exH because he has learned where my boundaries are and what lines he cannot cross. But I had to be tough and stand my ground for a long time before he understood that. 

caninelover's picture

Submitted by caninelover on Sat, 06/12/2021 - 11:22pm

Same for me.  SO is a crappy parent but applies the same qualities to me so great SO - like yours easy going and attentive to me!

In my case his kids were all older though.  I suppose if you can hang in there (with boundaries) it could work out all right.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Sat, 06/12/2021 - 12:23pm

I am shocked that he is shocked. After everything that you have put up with, I can't believe he would be surprised that you are not including his kids in your will. I mean, really, why would you?

Stepping Along's picture

Submitted by Stepping Along on Sat, 06/12/2021 - 3:23pm

I have been following your blogs, but while reading this one I thought 'wait I need to clarify I am reading the write user name' and checked I had it right.

Step parents have no obligations to leave their kids anything of their own, fact. But in what world would you leave your horrendous step kids anything at all!?!?! I can not believe this was not only asked but then a conversation ensued. 
I think DH might need a trip to the doctor make sure this was nothing more serious then a brain fart! 

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Sat, 06/12/2021 - 6:50pm

Your SO is delusional. I think this makes it pretty clear that he fully expects you to take his kids back into your home and continue to do for them as you once did. It might take him a little time to work you over, but it certainly seems like that's what he expects.  He just has to get over this little bump in the road you're in the middle of. SMH.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Submitted by Wicked stepmo. on Sat, 06/12/2021 - 9:09pm

SKs aren't coming back. I spoke to the caseworker myself. She said both SKs have made it clear they want to stay with BM and the only way that is going to change is if SO takes BM to court on a violation of the current CO which he is not. Mind you I have actually encouraged him to do so. He is the one choosing not to. Because at this time he doesn't even have phone contact with them. I have told him he should at least fight for that or to see them one day a week and he has chosen to do nothing.  That's what makes this conversation even more insane. 

He actually thought even if for a moment that I would leave anything to :

1. Kids that aren't mine.

2. Kids that have treated me like I am Satan himself.

3. Kids that don't even want anything to do with him.