Inappropriate behavior by exes
Hey all.
I had this situation come up and wanted to see if anyone had any insight. This is not about my ex with the horrible adult kids, but instead this is about my ex-husband, the father of my adult kids. Those of you who are familiar with my posts, know at times I will refer to having to show one of my adult kids tough love when he tried to get out of line. It was a rough period but nonetheless I still parented him. Apparently his father and him have been having a really rocky relationship, more rocky than in the past. I have chosen to stay out of it completely. My ex-husband is extremely bad when it comes to accepting responsibility for his own behavior and blaming others for his failures in life, all the while taking full credit for what goes right in his life. You could tell my ex-husband exactly what he did wrong and either he would blame someone else (usually his family of origin) or claim to be clueless.
Apparently after our marriage ended he shifted between blaming his failures in life on his family of origin and me. All the while he pleaded to be apart of my life. I cut him off completely and let him know that outside of a true emergency regarding our kids, I would no longer have anything to do with him or his toxicity. He still has never fully gone away, I just ignore him, which I have been doing for many years.
Lately, he has started sending me messages but acting like he is talking to our son he is having a rocky relationship with. Thing is this particular son and I don't even have numbers that are remotely close to one another. I also found out that he had been trying to contact a family member that I used to have a close relationship with but no longer talk to.
I recently found out he came to town, stopped by one of my family member's house and was inquiring into who I have a close relationship with and then requested to have a sit down conversation with one of my male family members. The male family member told me he declined for various reasons but some included him not getting in the middle of anything, that I was capable of making my own decisions and doing what I felt was best for me. Noone is responsible for the relationship my ex-husband and son have other than the two of them.
My guess is our son sees his father not being accountable and blaming others; and our son is confronting him about it. Not sure what he thinks talking to one of my male family members will do. The situation has nothing to do with my family or I and I really think he is overstepping his boundaries.. Any thoughts?
- Movingonisbest's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
W.T.F.
W.T.F.
I think you need to do way more than ignore him. What the hell he tried to have a sit down with a "male" relative? The hell does he think this is? If you don't live in the middle east, then he should recognize that your male relative will be able to do nothing.
Good Lord. I am highly offended for you!
I would contact him, via email or even better, certified letter, and tell him you are not interested in any type of communication or relationship AND that you find his behavior trying to talk to various relatives of yours to interfere on HIS behalf concerning you not wanting contact with him to be highly alarming. Tell him to stop.
This gives me the heebee geebees. What a creep.
Steppedout, I was hoping to
Steppedout, I was hoping to just look at this as a nuisance instead of looking at it more seriously, because he is truly someone I never will deal with again. I thought he had gone away since he hadn't contacted me in a long time, that is until recently. I didn't even recognize his number because in the past I would block his number and then eventually he would contact me from different numbers.
When the messages came through I thought it was spam at first and didn't pay much attention to it because I was busy. Then I thought the area code looked familiar. Sure enough tye area code was from a place we lived while married. I looked at part of the message and realized since he knows he is not supposed to contact me, he is doing this thing where he will contact my number but pretend like he meant to contact one of our kids.
I don't want to give too much on the boards, but really was wondering if this would be alarming, especially to someone who didn't know the history.
Anytime something major is going on in his life that he can't handle or when he was looking to blame someone for his problems he would turn to me.
I don't know his whereabouts. email, or anything else. I'm one of those people who love hard, but if you destroy that and I cut you off it is typically for good.
I would be alarmed by this.
I would be alarmed by this. My exh is a narcissist.
Are you still having any
Are you still having any problems with him whatsoever? I think my ex-husband, is a narcissist too. If he is, the son he has a rocky relationship with is likely giving him narcissistic injuries be tearing down his false self and trying to hold him accountable. My male family member likely gave him a narcissistic injury too by rejecting his offer of a sitdown conversation. If my dad wasn't deceased he would have told him to go to h-ll
Yes, I occasionally do. He
Yes, I occasionally do. He like to sniff around and see how I am doing (he is hoping bad). When he sees I am doing well, something is mysteriously broken or missing. (Security lights, planters, damage to my car, etc).
How long has this been going
How long has this been going on? Do you forsee it ever stopping? Is he only like this with you, or other exes too?
Over 5 years. It will go on
Over 5 years. It will go on until he divorces current wife (#6). Then some of it will be taken off me. But I think he will always try some bs.
If anything is not perfect in his life he has to try and make himself feel better by thinking his exes have it worse? And if exes are doing well... then its all their fault he is not. Idk, it's strange.
Wife #6??? Wth???
Wife #6??? Wth???
I think you are right, they want us to be doing worse. My ex-husband seems like he is worse than yours because when he isn't doing good he would reachout to me for sympathy. When he finds out I am doing better than him he has actually taken steps to destroy that. I have seen him mimic my life as if he is me. Others told me he does that also. I remember when we were married he would get to the point of saying he wished that he was me. I remember telling him my life isn't perfect, I go through things too, just dealing with them differently than he does.
Some research I did on narcissists awhile back said they have no self. They abandoned it a long time ago creating a false self that is made of other people's lives. As in they essentially steal parts of others lives and pretend they have those traits and characteristics. Truly sick and sad.
He's looking for flying
He's looking for flying monkeys. He's a $hit stirring drama king looking for a hit.
I was thinking likely a
I was thinking likely a narcissist. My understanding is untreated narcissists typically will do horrendous things to someone and still keep popping up in that person's life.
Lol, this guy is pathetic.
What nimrod thinks that a grown adult women needs a male family member to interface with their X for them?
Good on you for leaving this dipshit in your past. And congratulations for raising your children to recognize how much of an idiot this guy is.
Take care of you.
Thanks for your male input
Thanks for your male input Rags. I didn't even know men did these things. If he wanted to have a sit down with a male in my family seems like he would have done that when our kids were minors. They are late 20s and early 30s. We don't even have grandchildren. There is absolutely no reason for him to be reaching out to my family. He has another family, maybe that isn't working out for him for the same or similar reasons our marriage ended. I wasn't his first girlfriend, but I was his first wife. To my knowledge he hasn't hung on to any ex the way he tries to with me.
I spent much of my life, growing up, and as an adult
in the Middle East and North Africa. Even with that his approach to your male relatives makes no sense to me and is ridiculous. THis guy is your X and thinks that he has a place in your life and access to your family? Really?
Take care of you.
Rags, my dad is deceased but
Rags, my dad is deceased but he would have told him to go to h-ll. To be honest though, I don't think he would have ever reached out to my dad. I am glad my male relative declined. Crazy he took the time to try to figure out who I am close to so he could try to use that as a re-entry into my life. Never happening.
This is like my husbands exwife who had remarried
Her affair guy she was having an affair with whilst married to my husband and 5.5yrs post divorce and her being married calls my sil bitching about me and hubby claiming i was some half naked whore and how could she allow their alienated daughters have a relationship with daddy when she made them cut off contact over lies the daughters knew bio mum made about dad.
she found a way to justify her unacceptable behaviour but my sil still know her as an evil bitch and simply called my husband to tell him to watch out.
end of the day she has no authority or business criticising your intimate private life and i'm lucky that my husband is very firm on not allowing skids to meddle with our private lives or think they have a say so on the matter.
this is what narcs do. They are so pathetic and bored/miserable and can't stand the fact they have no power over you so need to drum up drama. Cut off their ability to do that and they're fuming inside.
my husband had to tell his adult daughter that she was no longer to speak of bio mum and affair hubby in his presence as they were not our family and hubby has no care or concern about her or the crap that her marriage is in tatters because hubbys priority is to me and our 2 young kids.
sd's tried to make bio mum and stepdad relevant to every conversation of ours
Shamds thanks for the insight
Shamds thanks for the insight. So you think your DH's ex-wife is really a narcissist? My understanding is they all live by the same playbook. The ex with the toxic adult kids and my ex-husband seem to have alot of the same traits. They say there are alot more narcissists in the world than there used to be.
I guess I end up being their target because once I realize without a doubt they are full of crap, I cut them off completely.
I don't understand why your DH's ex-wife thought she could talk crap about you and your DH to his very own sister. Smh.
I haven't seen or responded to my ex-husband in over 10 years so have no clue what he could possibly have to say about me. When a relationship is over, it's just over, especially when one of the partners was extremely toxic.
My ex-husband's blame game didn't work with me, and I am certain it isn't working with our son that he has a rocky relationship with. It's for them to figure out, and like I said, I am staying completely out of it. He's not using whatever they are going through be a reason to reenter my life. It's just not going to happen.
Narcissists approach relationships and marriages all the
Same.
they are never fully and genuinely invested in it. They see a way to manipulate and guilt you to get what they want.
constantly daily abuse to their kids and spouse but acting like a saint in public or a victim but in the background doing all horrible stuff
in my husbands exwifes case, she saw an angle to paint her an innocent victim that she had no choice but to take their daughters and cut off all contact and hubby dating me was the convenient excuse apart from the fact that she had alienated and cut off contact 1 yr plus prior to hubby meeting me so therefore i am not an excuse
she also had eldest adult sd fake cry to hubby claiming he abandoned sd's to marry me and have 2 kids with me when my kids were 1 & 2. Explain to me how a grown arse 23 yr old justifies blaming a 1 & 2 yr old and the new wife for why she has a crappy relationship with daddy to begin with when she herself said and did horrible things to my husband?
we are always convenient scapegoats. I too cut off any contact with sd's since late 2018 so almost 4 yrs ago. I was not gonna let toxic people hell bent on destroying my marriage with hubby the ability to get between us._
my husband has said there is no way he would ditch us for adult sd but he manages their relationship away from us and meets with them don't come at expense of our family time
the exwife doesn't feel she is ever in wrong, is incapable of an apology, infact she had eldest sd text message hubby her so called apology which never mentioned "i'm sorry" but rather waffled on how they had both remarried and it was time to move on and leave the past behind except she's the psycho who can't move on or let go. She even had eldest sd message hubby to make him aware she reckoned her marriage was falling apart for sympathy.
my husband ignored and refused to respond to any of those messages and it took him 1.5 yrs to finally sit eldest sd down and tell her to stop this nonsense.
whether her mum has marriage issues or is thrown out on the streets is not hubbys problem. Biomum has a husband and they sort out their own shit together. Its not relevant to me or of my concern when i have a wife and 2 young kids who are my present and future and of utmost priority in life.
my sils see the bs of sd's and confront me about it but they don't have the balls to address it
Shamds your DH's ex-wife
Shamds your DH's ex-wife sounds alot like my ex-husband. Even trying to use kids. I made it clear to him, my adult kids. friends and family that I was completely cutting him off absent an emergency relating to our kids. Since we know narcs will fake emergencies, what constitutes an emergency will be something like severe illness, a serious accident or something like that. That is what I have stood by and what I will continue to stand by. Cutting them off from my understanding is the best strategy. I don't really understand why it hasn't worked. It's unbelievable people still lurk into your life when you haven't seen or talked to them in years. I have no doubt my ex wanted to portray himself as a victim to my male relative, but his plan didn't work. Whatever he has going on is of no concern to my family or I. Sure he sustained a narc injury when he had another relative reach out to male relative for a sit down and was told no. Hopefully he will just move on.
I think you are right to be concerned.
I think you are right to be concerned. The general advice in a situation like this is to completely ignore him - but that is what you have been doing and his behavior seems to be escalating. If you can get his contact information, how do you think he would respond to a strongly worded letter from an attorney telling him if he doesn't stop his behavior you will be gettting a restraining order? You would then need to follow through and get one if he didn't stop.
Notsurehowtodeal,
Notsurehowtodeal,
Thanks for the suggestion. There is an order in place. That's why I said he knows he is not supposed to have contact with me. When people are narcissistic or want control they don't follow court orders. If they understood or respected the words don't contact me, there would never have been a need for a no contact order.
Contact the police for order
Contact the police for order violation.
!!!
All he will do is lie and try
All he will do is lie and try to get out of it. That's why I said he sent messages to my phone but acted like he was talking to our son who he has a rocky relationship with.
But he met with your
But he met with your relatives? Surely they will tell the truth if asked by police?
He is is violating. So nail his ass to the wall for an RO/PO
violation. He has contacted you, he is going after your family. Keep his ass on the court burners. He can try to lie all he wants. He will still have to the the one in front of the Judge and pay the fees.
FIle the complaint. Every time he pulls this shit. Even the periphery crap.
Lather... rinse.... repeat.
I agree. This time he was
I agree. This time he was just testing the water... He needs to know that you're serious about this or he will keep on pushing. He can lie all he likes, the facts still stand. There is proof he called you. There is proof he contacted your family. Go after him NOW or he'll never stop.
Yes and even just reporting
Yes and even just reporting it you create a record, a legit history, of his behavior because if it gets worse, and it likely will, you will need it. Remember it's not about protecting him or you thinking it's not going to work, it's about the facts.
Thanks for giving me this
Thanks for giving me this perspective cover1w
Unfortunately my ex doesn't
Unfortunately my ex doesn't really care about that, in the past his whole objective was to have contact with me even if that meant going to jail and court
That's only because he hasn't
That's only because he hasn't been arrested for it yet.
You can have your attorney
You can have your attorney send a Cease & Desist letter, listing the intentional behaviors and that further attempts will be reported to the court. Once you've let him know in writing that he's been contacting your phone, he will have no excuse to continue doing it. Yes, it may give him some kibble, but it will also strengthen your position for future legal action.
Yes they will. But then that
Yes they will. But then that means I get entangled back in this mess with him. I messaged you.
I would contact the police
To put your Ex on notice. That you will not be part of his game. No contact means No contact. If he does it again contact the police again. They will stop his game playing. Nothing is like spending a few hours at a police station telling them his BS storys
The strange part of this is a
The strange part of this is a few months ago, one of my male neighbors stopped me one day and was talking to me about safety and watching my surroundings. He had asked me if I noticed one or two vehicles in our area that are not normally in our area and I told him I had not. I told him we live in a safe area, neighbors look out for each other, etc. He agreed that is true but said times are changing and people are changing but that I needed to pay more attention to my surroundings. I was exhausted that evening and really didn't give it much more thought that evening. However, early the next morning, my phone rings and it was a restricted number. Then the next day while I was at a nearby store talking to one of the clerks since I hadn't seen her in awhile my phone started ringing and I told the clerk I would check it once I made it back to my vehicle because I wasn't expecting any important calls anyway given it was the weekend. When I did look at my phone it was another restricted call.
I started thinking maybe my neighbor had seen my ex with the toxic kids in our area, was trying to give me a heads up without coming right out and saying it. Then a few weeks ago my neighbor caught me coming home and stopped me. We started talking again. I eventually went inside, got ready for bed, then my phone started ringing. It was the ex with the toxic kids. I haven't talked to him or responded to him in over 2 years.
I wondered why my ex-husband and the toxic ex with the toxic adult kids were both contacting me. I assumed my neighbor was giving me a hint he thought someone may have been watching me, but I assumed it was the toxic ex with the toxic adult kids. Now I am thinking it may have been my ex-husband or maybe both of them.
It's ridiculous people can't just move on. Hopefully my male relative declining to have a sit down with my ex-husband will make him move on. If not I will contact the police.
Yet another reason to talk to
Yet another reason to talk to the police - this is called stalking and it's against the law. The fact that you don't know for sure which of your exes it is, is not important seeing as you already have an order against one of them. Tell them that you feel threatened and that you're scared. Also tell them about your neighbor because he isn't telling you everything but he might tell the police.
Please block his number on
Please block his number on all your phones and install security cameras on your property.
My exH was diagnosed as NPD HPD and OCPD. We have been divorced 25 years and he is still obsessed with me. His health is in serious decline due to his substance abuse issues and I am relieved that he won't be aound much longer to cause drama and hurt people.