drop the line./ stop playing her game. stop reaching out, stop thinking of her, stop reacting. if she leaves her shit around, throw it out. if she can't put her dishes in the sink, leave them there. treat yourself to fast food or take out? she's not your problem, don't ask/don't treat. she won't talk to you? that just makes your life sweeter. 

make her a stranger in your eyes, a stranger you do not trust or like. 

Yeah with what @AgedOut said and disengage - I am still a work in progress but I just watch and I don't get emotionally involved any longer. It's business - still working on it all. But I care less and every time they do a dick move I allow that to be another reason not to care. I hope to be looking at their interactions through a snow globe soon - watcihng and observing but playing no big part. 

Hey back2life,

You’ve written; 

But why should I???  So SHE can be happy? So SHE gets exactly what she wants, me gone? 

Exactly! When my husband’s teen mini-wife began treating me terribly, I endeavoured, at first, to respond with all the kindness and understanding that I could muster. I understood that she felt supplanted in her father’s affections but, like you, I became so stressed and unhappy that I was prepared to leave the man I adored.

Things came to the point where I asked myself what the hell I was doing, allowing a teenaged brat to ruin my life and my marriage. I declared war. If she glared at me, I responded with a hiss from between my teeth as I walked towards her in a threatening manner. I prepared meals that she hated, refused to do her laundry, turned down the heat in her bedroom (she liked it tropical, even in the summer) and much more. 

The conflict ended when she called me a ‘bitch’ and I slapped her across her nasty face, knocking her on her ass. Not my finest hour but my husband had my back (I never performed my petty activities in front of him) and gave up his 50/50 custody, sending his daughter to live with her mother. She returned to us after about 6 months with a much-improved attitude since her BM (whose PAS was largely responsible for SD’s misbehaviour) missed her free week of bar-hopping.

So, Hon, you’re the one wearing the big girl pants! Don’t let a spoiled, entitled little shit get the best of you. Fight back! It worked for me.

OSS22 is like this. I would come home to all cabinets open, wrappers of food scattered in the living room and his room, dog unattended outside with back door wide open (sometimes even the gate was open and dog would have stayed in the yard thankfully and not ran away), all lights on in the house no matter what time of the day it was (and lights will be on in his room all night), clogged toilets and nasty bathrooms for days but get offended when asked to unclog/clean, sink with dishes that he felt he didnt need to wash because he was only eating not cooking and even when I just asked to put his own dishes in the dishwasher it was too much

I would always ask nicely without raising my voice but all he did was lie to his father. First it was "you yell at him" and I documented that I didnt, then it was "he doesnt like the tone you use when you ask him to do things/stop doing something so he feels like he should do it anyway to spite you", then it was "you arent his mother, so he prefers taking direction for me so wait until I get home to address it with him but also I will be tired after work and wont want to address it". 

I cant begin to tell you how nothing worked except shutting up and cleaning up after him....

One day, after a difficult day, i was doing laundry and folding. I was upset that he refused to clean up his plate and the same excuse was given of "he didnt like your tone when you asked him to clean his plate", so I am in the living room and SS comes with another plate of food and puts his feet on the couch and eats on the couch! 

I asked dont put your feet and please go eat in the dining room but he couldnt have it because he wanted to eat on the couch and my husband who was eating in the dining room quickly yells "thats ok he can eat there"....mmmm Im sorry what? No thats not ok for me to clean up my couch and have my chairs re arranged as a tv dinner stand and feet on the couch with street shoes!

I then did a horrible thing and said "if you want to eat on the couch, then you can go eat on your moms couch at her house"....TERRIBLE ERROR

Violent threats and melt down and awful behavior ensued....And my husband was completely ok with that

All of this to say, you cannot win and never will win. Just let them treat you the way they want or leave but there is no middle ground or compromise because your SD will have meltdowns and tantrums and might even hit you during these outbursts

I honestly fear for your safety because your SD sounds emotionally disturbed just like my OSS22 and can easily go from meltdown to violence and you will be the target

Oh 1st3rd5thWEInHell, Hon!

Your stepson is the lesser of your tribulations as your husband is the bad guy in your domestic situation! I could never live with a man who thought so little of me that he’d allow me to be bullied by his adult spawn.

My husband is a fair-minded man and a pragmatist. He did not fail to take notice of his daughter’s snippy behaviour and when I finally snapped and smacked her, he addressed her howling outrage by insisting that she’d brought it on herself. By that point, he was well and truly sick of her antics and the bad atmosphere that she was creating in our home.

Living with a man who fails to protect you, even when you are attacked by his adult son must be an abysmal life. Poor you! At the risk of giving offence, Hon, why do you stay?

Understand he bounded by biology with his 3 kids from exwife (sd28, ss25.5, sd18) but me I wasn't bound by the same biology. Any relationship is based on mutual feelings and so if his kids chose repeatedly to alienate us, demand daddy divorce me for them despite abandoning him for many yrs whilst biomum could marry affair stepdaddy with ni issues, disrespecting me repeatedly, blaming and guilting my husband for marrying me and having 2 kids with me whom he has more affection and love for, with good reason since skids treated him like an outsider and refused to maintain a relationship with him over pas, then skids have it coming the loneliness they will experience

i have not seen sd's since late 2018 so over 5 yrs ago and they have not attempted to maintain any contact with their half siblings (my 2 kids with my husband). My kids only recognise their half brother as family and know he has a different mummy but same dad. If my kids ever saw sd's again and were told thats their sisters, my kids would refute that easily and tell them they don't have sisters

So, trigger a meltdown every time she fails to deliver to standard.  While she is melting down confront her more agressively telling her "Oh hell no, tears are not going to get you out of doing things that any toddler can do. Now, get up, and go put your plate in the dishwasher.".  Total confrontation with zero tolerance for her crap.  When she melts down, push harder.  

Lather.... rinse... repeat.

As for her lies and slander, have your lawyer send her a Cease and Decist order with clearly outlined next step consequences.  She is approaching the age of majority when her behaviors can and should have direct personal legal consequences. 

Start introducing her to adulthood and the risk of adult consequences for her meltdown teary toddler tactics.  She is less than a  year from adulthood and ripping her throat out now, baring her ass, scrubbign her teary toddler snotty crying nose in the stench of her manipulations is long past overdue.  Start talking to those targeted by her lies, slander, and manipulations and providing them with the facts and the impending destruction of her crap.

Bury her in the  terror of the looming end of her crap.  Let her know she has only one choice. Deliver to the standards of behavior and standards of performance that you require, or.... suffer complete and total escalating abject misery.

Let her daddy know that you are done, and more importantly, she is done. 

I applaud you not abandoning your marriage. I also applaud you for no longer tolerating her crap.  Make sure you sit her daddy down and let him know that she is through.   You will no longer tolerate or allow her manipulations, no matter how large or how small, any longer.  She plays her games, she experiences the pain, conseqeunces, and terror of losing any sense of power in her own life as it pertains to you, your marriage, and your DH.  

Let him know that he, and your marriage are your priority and she will no longer be tolerated as a threat.

Be icely calm, lock eyes with her, and rub her nose firmly in the stench of every manipulation, lie, infantile refusal to do basic toddler level actions, playing the "but daaaaadddeeeeeee" card, etc, etc, etc....that she pulls.

I look forward to hearing about you r progress in putting and keeping her in her place. Hopefully, she learns something including her place.  Set the example of standards, accountability, and the criticality of character, maturity, and respect for other.  Let her know, that she will not be respected or tolerated at all unless she continually earns it.  Rip out her throat and keep doing it until she either learns, or stays gone. While doing that teach daddy that you require him to enforce respectful behavior towards him, you, and your marriage from his failed family spawn

Take care of you.

All IMHO of course.

You make it DH problem.  He has to parent her. You don't remove the light bulb, you remove the cell phone .  Of cource you can play game as replacement of light bulb with the dimmest you can find.  Disengage, no cooking, ckeaning, Uber driver, or wash person.  SD is on her own.  You make it you or SD. and see what it is?  You then can plan your life accordingly 

I cant say a word to her without triggering a complete meltdown so i would rather avoid her at all costs. My disengagement has been working fairly well and I do not want to stray from that. I feel like she does these little things specifically to get a reaction. 
 

no she does those things to manipulate you all into getting off her back about following the house rules 

Lay out all of the house rules, sit her down, and explain that she will either follow the rules and if she doesn't like it then she will suffer the consequences and if she doesn't like that she can leave. 
 

Let her have a meltdown and tantrum and when she's done, remind her to clear the sink. 
 

Don't pay for anything (except basic food and clothes - no 5 star meals, no lululemons) until she acts right. 

Next time she throws a tantrum, calmly sit down in front of her and say, "ok I'll wait..." 

SD13 will leave her belongings all around the house... but then accuse people of "taking her things." Um, HELLO. If you don't want people touching your stuff, MOVE IT. 

I make of pile of her stuff and just set it outside her bedroom (shoes, water bottles, backpack, etc.). Unless it's a community item (kitchen scissors for example), I don't waste my breath. 

Just this morning SD told DH her house key "was on the stairs" and couldn't find it so was asking me where it went. I think the question should be why are you keeping keys on a staircase??? And no, I didn't take it. *eyeroll*