Update -jealous of a 7 year old
So I finally had a conversation with my SO about what I need in this relationship and what I envision. I do realize he's had zero and I mean zero examples of what a healthy relationship looks like. He's got plenty of childhood trauma that he knows affects him and how he "reacts" to conflict. I don't see it changing immediately overnight because he's spent years "reacting" that way (deflecting, gaslighting and blame) but I am thankful he sees it.
When I talked to him I used @Rags own words saying that I should be his number 1 priority. His kids are his # 1 responsibility. A responsibility that is shared with their other parents. He and I, we have each other.
I explained that I understand that concept is hard for him to fathom becasue of past failed relationships and his upbringing but that if we both aren't all in, this doesn't work.
I also explained that if I mention something that he sees as conflict he needs to know it comes from a place of love, not blame or shame and that if I didn't care I wouldn't say a word.
I also listed out my must haves...face to face connection about our day every day even when we have SD7; time away just for us, help around the house that it not be expected I do it. I mentioned how when we first met we would both be in the kitchen together and how much I loved that... etc.
I am so grateful for everyone's feedback and I'm happy to say that he was extremely receptive to all of it. I've already seen immediate change and acceptance of those things. So we will see how this continues. As one steptalker said things have to be spelled out plain as day to men so that's what I did.
I still don't like how he "fights" and "reacts" by lashing out but I am grateful he sees it and is aware that he does it. Will take that one step at a time.
I don't see the doting and coddling of SD7 changing anytime soon. I think this behavior for him is 3-fold. His guilt of a failed relationship family ideal, competition with BM (Disneyland dad) and he's parenting how he would have liked to have been parented (over the top becasue he lacked all attention, support, care, security etc from his own extremely shitty childhood). Here I will disengage to a point and influence where I can. She has him wrapped though.
She doesn't get away with that when it's just me and her. Example, she will say "Reb86 I can't find my xyz"! if it were her dad, he would hop up from whatever he's doing and go fetch it for her where I would say "where did you have it last, look harder to find it, we're not doing this" and literally every single time as she rolls her eyes and walks away she goes and finds whatever it was that she was looking for (like magic) ha!
We saw my parents over the weekend and my mom was mentioning when we were little and she taught my older brother how to tie his shoes that he would come into the room and beg her "mom tie my shoes" and she would say matter of factly "nope you do it. I already showed you how figure it out" and I realized at that moment that is where I get it from. What could possibly be considered insensitive may also be practical and teaching independence which SD7 severely needs. So if her own two parents won't. I will continue to reinforce as much as I can and NOT coddle.
Thanks again steptalkers! Grateful to have found such wonderful group!
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Win!
I'm so glad he was receptive! That could have gone either way honestly, since he seemed so far down the "other" path. I hope he keeps it up!
I was able to influence DH's behavior towards skids as they got older. For example, he would do everything for them, make their cereal, every single meal, etc. I was raised to be VERY indpendent (I acknowledge too indpendent- we were actually put in foster care for being left alone for a week or so at a time) and could do everything on my own. But also, I had pride in doing things on my own. I wanted skids to have that also. A sense of pride that they could do things. Not just making dad do it all. I would explain that and tell him to let them do things on their own. It helped with some of the coddling, although even as SS18 was leaving for college, DH was doing every single thing for him, to the point I wanted to scream, so he definitely reverted...
Thank you! Yes I feel very
Thank you! Yes I feel very good about it considering some of the immediate changes. I am hopeful i can also influence his parenting and I do believe it possible. She'd still be sleeping in his bed if it weren't for my influence and explaining how it helps with her confidence etc. It also helped for me to explain that I never slept in my own parents bed and was very nurtured. Will continue down this path and hope for the best. Thank you again!
I'm glad he's accepting your
I'm glad he's accepting your feelings. One thing i will say is, though he has had a bad childhood, that can't be used as his excuse forever. I'm guessing he's over age 30 or so. At some point he becomes responsible for his own actions. Can't blame Mommy forever. Also, if he reacts to abuse or neglect by coddling his own kids to the point they don't learn valuable life skills and coping mechanisms, he's just perpetuating the cycle of dysfunction, just in a different way. Kids can't be allowed to act like animals with no standards or responsibilities, then at some point magically begin being functional adults. There are coddled princess stepdaughters talked about on this site who are still being supported by their parents and the SDs are in their 60s. Still causing havoc. Keep your eyes open.
Brilliance as usual Rumple...
My mom gave me this message when I was pretty young. I don't recall what I was whining about about but the message was short and I remember it to this day. 5 or so decades alter.
"We all have problems we get from our parents. At some point those problems are ours to fix."
Or something along those lines.
It is long past time that OPs SO owns his choices and performance regardless of where his issues may have been generated.
Agree. He hasn't used it as
Agree. He hasn't used it as an excuse for his behavior per say. It's more that we had a conversation on how I really don't understand it and asking him if he was always blamed and talked down to etc as a child and then we discussed how some of those things could have him reacting in this way, defensive, deflecting etc. and he agreed. We haven't had a disagreement or argument since and I am curious if he will "try" another path since being more aware of it.
And I totally agree on watching for this. My SS17 is quite a capable, well mannered and smart young man. His BM is also a great parent. SD7 is thankfully still young but I am on alert becasue her BM is worse than SO with coddling etc. i don't think my SO coddled his son either. I think he became "soft" having a girl.
Actions
Speak louder than words. If he's the typical guilty daddy, he might pay you lip service, but immediately backslide. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer, but I predict that in less than a month he will go back to thinking YOU are the problem.
I could have written this word for word in my case:
"Example, she will say "Reb86 I can't find my xyz"! if it were her dad, he would hop up from whatever he's doing and go fetch it for her where I would say "where did you have it last, look harder to find it, we're not doing this" and literally every single time as she rolls her eyes and walks away she goes and finds whatever it was that she was looking for (like magic)"
Dejavu! You have a mini wife on your hands and the power struggle will escalate. SD enjoys snapping her fingers for dadddddeeeeeeee to come running to his "Princess." If anything, SD is jealous of you and views you as "the other woman." Blood is thicker than water so she will see to it that she continues to be your SO's priority (not responsibility). Sadly, a lot if these guilty dadddddeees enjoy this dynamic.
In my case, my SO did this unmercifully when his ferals came to visitation, especially with SD and YSS. He now does it with our female Bengal CAT saying stupid stuff like "Fluffy (names have been changed to protect the innocent) is the love of my life" etc hoping to get a rise out of me which he doesn't.
1. Do NOT become pregnant
2. Have an exit plan formulated. Do not box yourself into financial reliance with SO. It's hard enough when guilty dadddeeee is leeching financially off of SM to support his failed first family.
3. And for heaven's sake, DO NOT MARRY this guy!
I am like think thrice and do
I am like think thrice and do hate to be a downer. O how that your SO will start changing and stay on course. My SO is like yours. He had a bad child hood and a very bad marriage with the BM. He was use to fighting and arguing all of the time. That is how he reacts. We will talk and he says he will change . It will last a few months and then he backslides and it is like starting again. His kids don't stay here anymore and it is a relief. He would serve his kids at 14 and 15 years old. They would plop down at the table and he would cut toaster sticks in small pieces, poor thier drinks, hand them the utensils and napkins. While they were eating he would go make their beds and then they would leave the table and he would clear it. So if your SO doesn't stop you still have years of this behavior. I hope your situation works out better then mine has been. I wish you luck.
You are giving me flashbacks
Again, word for word:
I wanted to add my SO does
I wanted to add my SO does this stuff with our cats. One in particular that does really like him.He will tease about how close he is with the cat etc. Sometimes it is cute and funny but then it can be a big annoyance at the wrong times.
This is flashbacks as well. I
This is flashbacks as well. I get the idea of them wanting to make it easy for their kids because of the divorce, etc but this is just over the top to me to cut up 14 year olds food. I guess on one hand they can't see that "helping" them in this way in fact is not helping them, it's preventing them from growing up. My husband used to bring his kids pizza to them in the living room, serving them and then removing it all for them to be washed after. They did nothing. Then they would lay on the couch and kick each other nonstop with high pitched shrieking noises
E gads
I don't even think I could keep quiet if I witnessed this. Demon15 can still barely use a knife. Until a year ago she would fumble around with it so much and look so ridiculous that sometimes DH would just get exasperated and just cut something for her. Which is how she ended up being 14 and not able to use a knife. I get so irritated at the basic things she is unable to do and doesn't even try to learn.
One time I had soup in the
One time I had soup in the crock pot and SS , I would say he was 14, he had to get his own from it , becasuse daddy dearest was doing something and SS was hungry,and after he filled up his bowl he asked if he needed to use a spoon or a fork. He didn't know which one.
You should have just said
You should have just said fork and walked away. *unknw*
Yikes!
More flashbacks!
The last vacation we took
The last vacation we took with SO's daughter, she woke up late so SO cooked her breakfast. When she finished, she held up her fork from a still-seated position at the table and said "I'm done with my fork, Daddy!" He took it from her and washed it.
She was 25. I nearly puked and gave him an earful when we got home. The fork was the least of my complaints but this thread reminded me of it.
"Show me, don't tell me."
Words with these types are dangerous. Far too often their words are smoke and mirrors.
SParent can't ever forget that when someone tells you and shows you who they are, believe them. Not just SParents. This applies to anyone.
Thankfully
My SD7 isn't helpless. She can make her own drinks. She helps set the table. She puts her own dishes in the sink and sometimes helps me cook or wash dishes. She loves to clean although it's not the greatest job but she loves to sweep and mop or clean the shower. If it was as you describe I don't think I could deal!!
She shoots, she scores!!!!
Wow. You are brilliant and he won the partner lottery with you. It also sounds that he is trainable and potentially salvageable as your true equity life partner.
Something that my bride and I evolved and incorporated in our life together is the concept of a safe word. For us, considering that one word will never suffice for me.....
...we have a short statement that either of us will roll out when things are tense and either or both of us are in defense or fight mode.
"Remember that you love me."
or
"Remember that I love you."
or
"Remember that we love each other."
It is hard to keep fighting when either of us plays the instant decompression safe sentence. Whichever version is appropriate. No matter how mad either or us may be.
And.. thank you so much for using succinct paragraphs!!!
Never forget to take care of you.