New Here
Good Morning All,
This is my first post here. I have been lurking since I Became a step mother 2 years ago and have finally got up the guts to create an account. I’ll give you a little background on my situation. My husband and I had a whirlwind relationship and within a year had bought a house, married and had a baby on the way. We moved way to fast and I now realize that.
My husband has two children from his first marriage SD8 and SS6. At first things were great with them and after we moved in together they have slowly gotten worse. My husband has full custody of the kids so they are always here. BM lives a few states away and will only take them a few weeks during the summer. So surprise surprise that leaves me with a lot of the day to day responsibility. Something I didn’t realize would get dumped on me. I am pretty much their sole caregiver plus we now have a DD of our own.
I am over whelmed with everything. I did try to step back and have DH take on more responsibility and let’s just say that ended up with us almost getting divorced. We are in counseling but honestly it seems like some issues are unsolvable.
Our main issue right now is finances. BM pays no child support and we are living paycheck to paycheck supporting our family of 5. After many money arguments DH and I just recently my husband and I have decided to get separate checking accounts and use our joint for bills.
Should we be paying the bills 50/50? In my head I feel that his children are his financial responsibility. His ex should no doubt be supporting them as well but she isn’t so does that mean I rise to the occasion. Should we split the bills more like 60/40? 70/30? He thinks I’m being vindictive and I think he’s be unreasonable.
What say you steptalk?
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I say 60/40, and he should be
I say 60/40, and he should be going after the BM for child support IMO.
My question is since they
My question is since they have a house together and she splits the mortgage 70/30 then she should not split the proceeds from the sale of the house in the future 50/50 but if they divorce and have to split the proceeds it will be 50/50 even though he paid the bulk of the mortgage. Not very fair there...
Had a similar problem with my
Had a similar problem with my ex husband. Men get weird weird weird about money! He was adamant that we split everything 50/50 but when i came to live with him I had to move, leave my job, start over in a new place, and it took me 6months to find a new job, then i made far less than him. So we were "splitting" everything "evenly" which meant i was constantly broke and he was saving up a lot of $$ for his own fun interests. Money problems like this can destroy your relationship. You should talk to your marriage counselor separately and together, and ask for a solution that will make you both comfortable. If you want the skids to be part of your life and you accept them in your family, and you want your ENTIRE family to be at peace, you may need to let go of the feeling that the stepkids are not your responsibility, and recognize that your family is all your responsibility, even if it's not "fair". Life is very rarely fair, and there isn't much to be done about it! You should be getting CS from BM. That should be easy! Petition for CS, no matter what. If you can find a local group, either through a church or boys&girls club, something that will get you some afterschool childcare time so you aren't stuck with all the kids constantly, most of those sorts of programs have financial aid or assistance. Good luck!
50/50 is not fair. If this
50/50 is not fair. If this is how he wants things, he needs to take the full financial responsibility for HIS children. And you need to be blunt to him about it. For whatever reason he seems to refuse to get CS from BM, but you shouldn't be stuck paying the difference.
I think 50/50 for bills and
I think 50/50 for bills and food is fair.
However, he should pay 100% for insurance, clothing, school, sports.. for his kids.
Thanks for the ideas. We are
Thanks for the ideas. We are sitting down tonight to figure out the logistics of it all. Ours bills go down significantly during the few weeks in the summer that they are with their mom. They use tons of water and are always leaving lights and tvs on. It’s not much of a difference splitting it 60/40 I guess but honestly every little bit helps.
A lot of the stories seem all too familiar. I have a feeling that this will further separate our marriage and the family into DH and Skids and me and DD. Which I think will eventually lead to divorce. I’m a saver and he’s a spender which is why we are at this point already. I brought no debt into the marriage and he had previously declared bankruptcy (which I didn’t find out about until after we were married, a whole separate issue). So everything is in my name and my once awesome credit is now ruined.
Fortunately BM manages to not cause much conflict since she is never around. She’s a special kind of BM and will do anything avoid paying for child support. A whopping 200$ a month for two kids. She is thousands in the hole and quits her job as soon as they start the process to begin deducting pay. Once they get all the paperwork done to extradite her to our state to go before the judge for failure to pay she moves states and the process starts all over again. We did get her tax return but she’s smart enough to not claim any of her other kids and rarely works so she doesn’t get much back at all. So he is doing all that he can to get money from her but the way the system is there’s not much he can do.
Your bio is also his, 70/30
Your bio is also his, 70/30 is more equitable. You shouldn't have to pay everything for a child that is also his responsibility.
50/50 for BILLS. Not for his
50/50 for BILLS.
Not for his kids. Those are his responsibility. If he really needed help, he needs to deal with BM. Any CS that does come in or tax returns of hers that you guys get, however, goes straight to him for the kids.
That's a tough one. I am
That's a tough one. I am kind of in the same boat as you, SD15 came to live with us in April, BM1 pays zip, zilch, nada for SD15 existance. DH and I have joint checking account (where my paychecks and DH's comp and disability goes) then I have a seperate savings (where I put money that I make from MY horse boarding business that DH has nothing to do with other than it's on our property) and then BS3 has his own savings account (where I put his SSDI money from DH being disabled and any money that grandparents and such give him)
At first I was very resentful that I was paying 1/2 the mortgage, 1/2 utilities, groceries etc. when BM was paying nothing, but lately I've kind of come to the conclusion, that mortgage and utilities, I would be paying anyway, whether SD lived with us or not. She is a nasty slob who rarely does laundry, so really the only utilities she uses is hot water for her showers. I probably do spend a bit more for groceries with her there, but I guess I decided it's not enough to get my panties in a bunch about.
With you having two skids there though, I can see where groceries and utilities would be a significant increase. The resentful, selfish side of me would say 70/30 since baby is your DH's as well, but the more rational side of me says 60/40 and then your DH should be responsible for ALL skid extras... like clothes, shoes, sports, entertainment etc.