DH Spending the Summer With His Kids & Grandkids Without Me
I haven't posted in a long while and I know what everyone on is here going to say. Once again, my DH is spending months visiting his kids across the country without me. This is a reoccurring thing and it is getting to be longer and longer trips. It is now months at a time since he has three kids who all have families and he wants to spend time with all of them.
He used to call me every day. Now he posts on Facebook things like pictures of him and the grandkids at the science museum and thinks that's good enough for checking in. Like I care what he is doing with those little brats.
My DH is semi-retired, so he has all the time in the world and can do consulting work from anywhere. I'm still working and I have two kids. I can't leave for months at a time.
The skids refuse to have anything to do with me, won't visit here and exclude me from everything. Up until about 5 years ago, my DH took a hardline approach and if I wasn't invited, he didn't go. So he missed graduations, weddings, births of grandkids. Then he snapped and decided that having a completely separate life was the way to go. He goes and visits them without me to get to be the world's greatest grandpa and spoil his grandkids.
I could retire in a few more years, but I don't think I will since it at least is an excuse. If it was a retired, then i would be home alone since there is no possible way I would be welcome visiting the skids nor would I want to.
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Why bother being married
Why bother being married anymore? When you retire you don't want to visit skids... go traveling on your own!
This makes me SO MAD! You
This makes me SO MAD! You should travel on your own with your kids. Stupid DH. Why does he want to be married to you and have a separate life? He should just go move permanently and play dad/grandpa of the year.
Agreed! OP, why do you deal
Agreed! OP, why do you deal with this shit?
Financially, I don't know
Financially, I don't know what I would do if I got divorced. I certainly wouldn't be retiring anytime soon.
What did you do before you
What did you do before you got married?
As long as you make enough to cover a small two bedroom apartment, you will be fine.
I understand financial
I understand financial hardships. But staying just for financial stability is no reason. Save up, and move out if that is the only thing keeping you.
Allowing his kids to exclude
Allowing his kids to exclude you is just wrong.
I will be the female version of your husband in a few years. DF (and his BMs)made AWFUL choices in his 20s and 30s- not planning for retirement and having a second set of kids,(SS22, SDs17,9&7) As a result, he may have to work for the rest of his life.
I have one son(22), two pensions and a 401K. I'm off all summer and plan to start using that time to take long vacations. He has his youngest two during the month of July. They can't leave the country without BM's permission. DF only gets two weeks of vacation each year. I love DF dearly. But if I wait for him, I'll never get to travel extensively. I can't imagine retiring
and only be able to travel two weeks out of the year.
The skids were estranged for
The skids were estranged for about 5 years after he made it clear that if I wasn't invited, he wouldn't go. He missed his son's graduation from law school, two weddings and the birth of grandkids. His siblings gave him hell for abandoning his kids when they were having to deal with their ill maternal grandmother, so he finally broke and went out to help them.
It was like a game of chicken. They proved they weren't going to break and were fine with never seeing him again, and they love bashing him over the fact that he did so many thing with my kids - his stepkids- that he never did with them. He was so busy when they were growing up and then his late wife was ill that he never went to games or school events for his kids but he did all of that for my kids so they will never let him live that down. Now he is focused on spoiling his grandkids and doing all the things he never did with his kids with them.
This is my worst nightmare,
This is my worst nightmare, christag. I do not think i would want to stay married under those circumstances - i know it is easier to say this than to take the necessary steps.
All your skids want is control. It takes a huge bleeding heart ( as big as HRNYC's who is known for her unbridled compassion) to feel sorry for them. They seem immature and selfish at best - mine are exactly the same. Vicious to the bone. They shun DH, me and his sister - so I am in good company. No grandkids yet, my skids are in their late teens - early to mid 20s. But looking ahead i feel nothing but dread reading your description. If this kind of separate lives does not bother partners, and both are happy pursuing their separate paths, fine. But it is not the case for you, and would never be the case for me.
Why did he cave? It makes me lose all respect for your DH. I am very sorry you are put in this position, and hope you can find avenues that bring meaning and happiness to your life. He is gone for months? Why don't you use those months to figure out how you want to proceed. Is this the kind of life you see yourself living until death do you part? What is the point of this marriage? How long have you been together?
To answer your questions, we
To answer your questions, we have been married for almost 12 years. I don't think they want control. It's more like they have a high and mighty altitude like they feel they were wronged and they will not just get over it.
Why did he cave? There were a couple things. First his kids were dealing with their maternal grandma being very ill, needing to be put into a nursing home and dealing with her estate. This was his former mother-in-law and his late wife was an only child. Extended family heard how difficult of a time his kids were having, one was going to need to drop out of college. The next thing was one of his grandkids being born premature.
He seems fine with a part-time marriage. He wants to be able to go visit his kids and play golf with his sons, and then come home and pretend that everything is hunky dory with our marriage.
They were wronged. Five
They were wronged. Five years he cut off contact with his kids while he played daddy to his.
The way he is treating you is wrong as well. No amount of money is worth what you're dealing with.
In their defense, I can see
In their defense, I can see why they feel the way they do, I just think they could've acted on those feelings in a better and healthier way.
True. I think there is enough
True. I think there is enough blame to go around.
DH didn't cut of contact with
DH didn't cut of contact with his kids. They were all in college and my kids were much younger. His kids are all upset about things that happened years ago and lashed out at my kids. The skids have been horrible to my kids even though my kids look up to them and want to have a good relationship with them. My kids were only 8 and 10 when we got married. It was much more difficult for them than the skids that were in college or almost in college in SD's case.
His kids chose to go to college out in east where it was difficult to visit or even call that much with the time difference and how busy they were.
He assumed they would come home and visit like college kids do and they refused to because they did not want to be around me or my kids. I haven't seen SD since the day she left for college. She hasn't been home since. Neither have his sons even though they are out in this area for business or vacation. They absolutely refuse to visit.
DH was clear that he wouldn't go out to visit them without me and they didn't want me to visit nor would they invite me to events like graduations, so he didn't go. But the reason he stayed to coach my son's Little League game was because he had made a commitment to do that. Flying last minute since his son had gotten the green light to graduate wasn't an option.
His kids responded to cutting off contact and he figured they would eventually get over it and accept that he was remarried and get to know their stepsiblings and accept them but that never happened. They all stayed out east, they all got busy with jobs and families and they faded away from having anything to do with their father. He didn't have their phone numbers or addresses to contact them for a long time.
Her husband made the choice
Her husband made the choice to cut off his kids for five years and focus on his SKs instead. Clearly that didn't make him happy, so he stopped doing it.
Now the OP is unhappy. No one is forcing her to accept this. She has the option to leave, but is making the choice to stay in an unhappy marriage because he has money.
You can't force his kids to accept you. You can force him to go back to the way things were. He can't force you to accept this as your lot in life. You have the power to walk away. Your happiness, self worth, self esteem and respect should be worth more to you than the amount of money he has.
But, he didn't "cut off his
But, he didn't "cut off his kids" - he did what a lot of women on here would want their husbands to do. He didn't attend things that his WIFE was excluded from.
These children are grown adults, with families, who hopefully should have the maturity to see that circumstances change, and that OP's husband spending time with her kids was a result of changing circumstances (going from working to semi-retired).
It's sad that they can't see past their own hurt.
I can see why his kids don't
I can see why his kids don't like you or your kids and think they have valid reasons to feel the way they do. But I think they wouldn't have missed out on 5 years with their dad if they looked to a counselor to help them work through their pain, and had just included/been civil to you (and your bios). They should've looked to the counselor to help them work through their issues regarding money (I remember you writing about this before), and dh being more present for your bios. I can understand why they'd feel jealous of their dad spending more time with another woman's kids. But they'd have gotten a lot more of their dad if they included you and vented to a counselor instead. I doubt you, dh and bios are glued at the hip. They'd likely have gotten a lot more quality time with their dad if they'd just been civil, regardless of whether they loathe you or not.
They made their choices, dh made his and now you need to make some hard choices. Do stuff on your own. Travel. See friends.
SD will be in therapy for her
SD will be in therapy for her entire life. they can't accept that their father wanted to move on with his life rather than spend years mourning his late wife. The skids' maternal grandmother was a widow for 20+ years and the skids all think that's the way someone should react to their spouse passing away.
DH wanted to actually start living his life after his life was on hold for so many years while his first wife was ill.
He didn't want to wait a certain number of years in some sort of required mourning period. But most therapists are women and most women take far longer to move on after the death of their husband. The average time for men to begin dating after their wife dies is 6 months. His kids couldn't accept that and made him feel horrible for it. They don't want him to be happy. They want him to be punished for betraying their mother's memory and being happy being married to me and being a father to my kids when they think he should have been devestated by his late wife's passing. But it was a relief to him to finally not have to be a full time caregiver.
The skids still won't visit
The skids still won't visit our home or acknowledge that I exist. The only way they will have anything to do with their dad is if he does the same and they reward him. Otherwise they would have pushed him out of their lives completely.
There's no reason why they couldn't afford to fly out here and visit but they don't. Or when his sons are out here on business they don't stop by the house like normal people. Instead they meet secretly with their dad behind my back.
If he wanted to, he still could tell them if they want to see him then they have to visit or they have to include me, but he has completely given up on that. He says it works better if things are completely separate - he doesn't include me and my kids in his life with his kids. His kids must be thrilled. It's mission accomplished for them. They've driven a wedge between us and they know I'm not happy about it. Yet they continue to not invite me.
And yet you continue to stay
And yet you continue to stay with him. :? You won't be able to make him change. He tried it for five years. Clearly it didn't make him happy, so he made changes.
You can move on. You are making the choice to remain in an unhappy situation. Your husband isn't willing to be unhappy for the rest of his life to please you. Why aren't you willing to step out and find happiness?
Over 50% of men who are going
Over 50% of men who are going to remarry after losing their wife so do within a year. It's very common for men, not for women. Stepdaughters are the main problem for wives of widowers because they can't understand why their fathers moved on so quickly. Men and women grieve differently and men are far more likely to want to move on with their lives and actively do something than sit at home.
There are a lot of good books by Abel Keogh about widowers, dating and remarriage. He's a widower himself who remarried 9 months after his wife died. I'll have to pull out the exact statistics from one of his book, but I remember he said the average younger widower starts dating 6 months after his wife passes away.
I don't see any problem with
I don't see any problem with him remarrying. I was a widow and remarried 15 months after my first husband died. Until you've been in that position no one should judge you. I know I felt a need to live in the moment- I had realized that life can be ripped away at any second so don't waste time! How great that he found a new partner and happiness. His kids were adults or close to adults. Yes, they had a right to grieve but they had no right to dictate the course of their fathers life. From what I read it was THEIR decision to cut him out of their lives. They were only willing to have a relationship with them if it was on their terms. How selfish. Shouldn't they have been old enough to care about their fathers happiness?
I too would have a problem being excluded from such a huge part of my dh's life. She is not talking about him being gone for a couple of days but months! Do you think maybe those grown kids are alienating their father against his wife?
"Shouldn't they have been old
"Shouldn't they have been old enough to care about their fathers happiness?"
The youngest was 16-17. Do you really expect a grieving teen to have the clarity to think that way when she's still grieving the loss of her mom?
They don't give a darn about
They don't give a darn about their father's happiness. All they care about his whether me or my kids get their mother's money.
None of them raised any objections to their dad getting married. There was nothing about grieving then. The problems started because SD didn't get along with my kids and his sons being jealous that he was doing things with my kids that he didn't do them them. They brought up all the times he didn't go to their games when he was coaching my son's Little League team and all the insane jealousy started over that.
They made us vicious lies about my kids to justify to relatives why they didn't like them. When my son was 9, he walked in accidentally on SD in the bathroom when she was in the shower. SD told relatives and her brothers that my son was constantly trying to see her naked. Extended family members have heard all about this and believe my son was some sort of little pervert who drove SD from home. The lies have become ridiculous.
Maybe they don't care about
Maybe they don't care about his happiness. Clearly he doesn't care about your happiness. So you have a choice to make.
I don't blame his kids for not wanting any of their mother's money to go to your kids. I sure as heck do not want another woman's children to benefit from what I leave behind. I plan to leave the vast majority of my assets to my son and future grandchildren.
"I sure as heck do not want
"I sure as heck do not want another woman's children to benefit from what I leave behind."
Agreed!
So it's fine for another
So it's fine for another woman to help pay off the first wife's medical bills but her money (mainly stocks) has to stay in a trust for already rich kids to get even richer?
All of the late wife's money (from her parents, she barely worked a day in her life) went into a trust for her kids when DH passes away.
But the home equity loan used to pay her final medical bills wasn't payed off until a few years ago. A college account is being saved for grandkids and also wasn't touched to pay off the medical bills. That isn't being used for my kids, but my DH's net worth prevents them from getting any sort of financial aid even though he will not help pay for their college.
I don't want the late wife's money, but I don't like that anything that is hers is somehow untouchable and separate.
If there's so much money
If there's so much money involved, how and why would you have to help pay the BM's medical bills? If BM and DH were/are so wealthy how did it fall on you to help pay off her medical bills?
Why should your DH help pay for your kids college educations? They're not his kids. He's not their dad. He's not obligated to give one red cent to them.
All of the money is tied up
All of the money is tied up in stocks, the trust and other assets. DH wouldn't liquidate assets or take money out of the trust to pay off the home equity loan.
Then that's his problem that
Then that's his problem that he should face consequences for. Not your sks. If you think your sks have no right to this money, most people on earth will tell you your kids have even less of a right to it.
Yes her money should stay in
Yes her money should stay in trust for her children. Your money should have never been used to cover her medical bills. Why would you even thinm of doing such a thing? You have two kids of own to worry. That money could have gone into their college funds.
If your kids arent eligible for financial aid, it's because you're making the choice to stay with a man who does care how his actions make you feel.
If you walk away from all of this, your children will be eligible for financial aid. If their father isn't paying CS, you can take him to court and put that money into a college fund. If you live in a state that will force him to help with college expenses, do that as well. You could work a second job amd earmark that income for their education. They can take out loans and work their way through college.
There plenty of options out their for your children, their dad and you to pay their tuition. Using another woman's money shouldn't be an option.
Would you want your
Would you want your money/your family's money going to some other woman and her kids? Would you be overjoyed to see your family's money/your mom's money going to some other woman/her kids? I cannot think of anyone who would be dancing in the streets with glee over either possibility. Granted, it legally was/is now your dhs money. So now he legally can do with it as he pleases. But legality doesn't always make things emotionally easier. Your DH legally has the right to go visit his kids for months. That doesn't make it any easier emotionally on you.
Quite frankly, I don't think your SKs jealousy over your bios is insane. Yes, they could've handled it better/more maturely. But I think a lot of us would feel incensed/hurt/sad, even if only slightly, that our dad was doing things for some other woman's kids that he didn't do for us. Because this woman and her kids are people we have zero emotional connections to. I think that's why a lot of sps feel so much resentment towards sks too. It's much easier for all humans to resent/be incensed by/feel jealousy towards people we have zero emotional connections with.
Did sd have the door closed when she was in the bathroom? If so, your son should've knocked.
Just because your kids were/are much younger than sks doesn't mean they deserve the majority of sympathy in this situation.