BM trying to make dh look like a bad guy to SD?
BM and dh were never together when SD was born. So she never knew a time when BM and dh were together.
In the past BM would call and have dh talk to (discipline) SD over the phone when SD was at BM's house. I stopped this, dh didn't realize that this was making SD see dh as the scary parent, the parent that no matter where she is dh is going to be the mean parent that yells at her when ever she slips up, even if she is at her mother's house. Whereas BM gets out of disciplining her child what so ever.
So dh has told BM that he will no longer be disciplining SD for things that happen at her house. BM had a fit! She accused dh of not caring if SD behaves or not.
Now this was all a while ago. This was all while dh was still disciplining SD.
Do you think that this has to do with him no longer punishing SD while she is at BM's home? Is this just dh being lazy? Should dh be punishing SD when she is at BM's home?
OK second part of my post, BM recently called dh telling him that SD left the refrigerator for open and she is going to punish SD by grounding her for a week. Well, SD is with us during part of the week, and we already have plans during that time. Should we continue the punishment during that time? Should we tell BM to shove it? Dh didn't get to decide the punishment. He says he would have chosen a different punishment if it were up to him. If he continued the punishment that means we have to reschedule our plans, which we had to schedule months in advance!
Imo, this is just bm's way of dictating or home, since dh won't discipline SD while she is at her home.
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Thank you, I thought so, I
Thank you, I thought so, I just wanted confirmation that I wasn't being ridiculous with this.
This is what I told dh as well, because he asked my input on it. I Just wanted to make sure I hadn't told him wrong.
We told SS11 the same thing -
We told SS11 the same thing - for a majority of infractions (not completing chores and other minor mess ups) punishment is determined by the household it happened in and it stays there. For bigger things like messing up at school, he will get punished at both houses. Different houses = different rules.
We keep punishments separate.
We keep punishments separate. Skid will not be punished at our house for things done at BM's. BM's house, BM's rules; your house, your rules.
leaving the fridge open, I
leaving the fridge open, I don't know how old your skid is but in our home, that is something irritating a kid does, not a punishment requiring behavior.
So no, I wouldn't.
HOWEVER
Yes, my ExH and I carry punishments house to house for strong offenses, BUT I am married with skids, so me and ExH and DH work TOGETHER because I can't punish my bios and not hold the skids to the same expectations.
My ExH has even gone so far as to print out the grades vs privileges rules for the houses (only because me, DH and ExH and SM)all agreed they were fair and should apply to all kids.
Serious stuff, getting an F in science means no activities with friends, yea.
Lied to Mom and got busted at a location you lied about being at. Yes grounded at both houses.
Left the fridge open??? odd
Occasionally, I accidentally
Occasionally, I accidentally leave the refrigerator door open. So does DD and DH.
Right? Especially first thing
Right? Especially first thing in the morning before coffee!
The way SD tells it she gets up in the morning at 7am, makes herself and half brother breakfast, and then makes herself and half brother lunch for the day, then gets her laundry started, and then throws it in the dryer, gets herself and half brother dressed, then wakes BM up so they can run out the door as soon as BM gets dressed around 9:00am.
Then when BM comes home from work at 6:00 and picks them up, it's time for dinner, bath, SD folds laundry puts it away, and goes to bed at 7:30.
If this is true, it makes me wonder why BM even wanted kids.
My kids do too, I wouldn't
My kids do too, I wouldn't punish them, I would say
"really DD, you left the fridge door open, that costs money, don't do that!"
Done.
No punishment needed for accidentally leaving it open
I agree, if rules have been
I agree, if rules have been drawn out and had clear expectations and clear consequences, i'd expect them to be going both ways.
BTW SD is 10. dh and My opinion a minor infraction such as leaving the fridge door open doesn't require a week long grounding. And isn't severe enough to have a grounding going into our home and effect our plans. Really? Missing out on something that we planned because of a fridge door?
I agree, BM is dealing out
I agree, BM is dealing out too hard of punishments for minor infractions!
She's 10 and the primary
She's 10 and the primary caregiver of her younger brother? She gets breakfast done, dressing her sibling and laundry started before SD wakes BM?!
I'm all for contributing to the household and learning responsibility. I was cooking and cleaning since I can remember. Also, taking care of my younger siblings but not at 10. And I never had to be my mom's alarm clock. This sounds excessive and overwhelming for a 10 year old. No wonder she forgot to close the refrigerator door!
Exactly my point! I mean I
Exactly my point! I mean I know that I seem a bit of a hard ass, but this is crazy!
My kids have chores, feed the dogs, fold laundry, do dishes, takey out trash. But I wake up before them, make their lunches, make their breakfast, wake them up. I dip this for all kids in my house, whether it's a nephew, kids' friend, SD, whatever.