For The Ladies
So...as a stepmom...a lot of my friends have sent me two stories recently: the one where the taken-for-granted stepdad pulled out of paying for the wedding...and the one where the dad stops the wedding procession to let the stepdad walk the daughter down as well. High-fives and tears all around!
I read these and think...yeah...double-standards all around.
I've read that stepkids are more likely to see stepdads as saviors / protectors / providers for their moms and step moms as intruders / takers. Despite the fact that the income gap is closing and that many second wives are more financially stable than their husbands who have been through a divorce and are paying child support. I know every situation is different, but this has certainly played out in my experience and that of others I know and have met. When I met DH he was living on an air mattress in a friend's house and barely able to see his kids. Then, he started renting a home (which I helped him find) and established regular visitation. I moved into the house when we married, and we bought it...partly with a gift from his parents and partly with the proceeds from the sale of my town home. We were able to buy it outright, which has been a huge blessing as DH quit his teaching job to start a business and cash flow has been up-and-down until recently. I was always the one with the regular income. Still...I get the sense that the kids see me as an interloper. They'll refer to "dad's house" and treat it like it's more theirs and his than mine and his...they thank him for presents or if we go out to eat...and for a time my youngest SD made a comment every time I wore something new or had a new haircut. She and I have a good relationship...but I feel like she definitely mentally "keeps tabs" on how DH and I spend our money...especially if I get something. Maybe it's in my head, but I don't think so.
Recently, I was at a party with some grad students and started talking to one girl who was not much younger than me...28 or so. Somehow the subject of stepfamilies came up, and she said that her step-dad is really cool...but she's just cordial with her stepmom and tries not to see her very much. I told her that I'm a step-mom...and that even though I'm close to my step-kids now, I worry that this is my future...and that I helped my DH get his life back on track, to be able to care for his kids, both in terms of time and finances...only to be discarded and resented later. I cited the stats to her about how few adult stepkids feel close to their step moms. She said: "Yeah. If I'm honest...my dad didn't have his act together and my stepmom has two or three advanced degrees...they started a business and are doing well now...helped put me through college a lot more than my mom could. But I just don't like her or want to know her...and I don't have to." I really wanted to punch her in her smug, entitled face.
I'm not saying all stepdads have it easy...but there are definitely double standards. What other double standards am I missing?
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I probably would not have
I probably would not have been able to keep my mouth shut.
"So I guess you're just another one of those loser/users."
"Do you generally use people or just your SM?"
"So are you proud of yourself for using your SM?"
or maybe with a slight Southern drawl:
"Well bless your heart. You should go far. You've already mastered how to use people."
Same situation here - sort
Same situation here - sort of.
When DH and I reconnected, he was actually living with someone. I told him that I was unavailable until that was finished
Less than a month later, he had secured a place to live (a house that a friend of his was renovating to flip).
At the time, he was cobbling together a living, since he had given Medusa the very successful business that that he built and they ran together. He was doing a lot of free lance work and paying waaaay more child support than he was obligated to. He was also driving 5 hours round trip on Wednesdays to see the skids and then again on his weekends - five hours roundtrip on Friday nights and 5 hours round trip on Sunday nights.
When I had to have emergency surgery, he moved in. It was less than a month before our wedding. Once he moved in to my (paid off) house, we bought a condo in SkidsTown, he found a great job, he stopped paying the "extra" child support and started saving and planning. Medusa couldn't STAND this, despite the fact that it was ME who insisted on getting a condo in SkidsTown so that the skids could remain in their town with their friends EOWE, it was ME who convinced DH to take the great job that resulted in HER kids getting more perks and fun stuff, she didn't give a shit and neither did the skids.
So, I checked out. Pffft.
Lol. BM poor mouths it to
Lol.
BM poor mouths it to the kids, her parents, HIS parents...her church. My DH and I often joke that the church acts like she's a widow or an abandoned single-mom. I was dropping off youngest skid once and she asked me to come in and see her room and her new kitten. Wasn't snooping, but there was a big bulletin board right there with a check pinned to it...$400, from her church, with a note: "a little extra to help with Christmas."
I told my DH...and then he said no when she asked US for extra at Christmas. Her kids gets presents from her, from us, from her parents, from my huge family...and then about 2K of stuff each from his parents, who are obscenely wealthy and worship their grandkids (not us...we're on our own for the most part, as we should be...but the kids get tons of extra stuff, and they also give money directly to the BM at times).
She's a teacher, so her salary is published. I know she makes about 65K a year, plus about 12K a year from tax-free CS, plus we cover cell phones and we have them quite a bit since they're just 5 minutes away. She asks us to split some "extra" expense about once a month or so...about the same time CS is due. I'm always confused about what CS covers and what's "extra." The older two kids have cars and one year of maintenance and car insurance from their paternal grandparents...and then they pay their own insurance and gas after the first year...so she's not paying for that.
DHs parents also take them on a back-to-school shopping trip every August and get them about ten new outfits and a couple pairs of shoes each...then comes Christmas and they get another wardrobe upgrade...and all three kids work and cover a lot of their own entertainment expenses now.
I really don't know how it's possible that she's always poor or what she spends money on. But I do know she's gone directly to my DHs parents for help at least twice in the five years we've been married (without telling him) and that she's asked for CS a couple of days early to "cover an automatic draft" countless times.
Medusa sent an email to DH's
Medusa sent an email to DH's parents, telling them what a horrible person they had raised, that he walked away from his family and couldn't be bothered to see his kids.
When DH's parents were reading this email, DH and the skids were at their house. LOL!!
We've had similar emails
We've had similar emails sent. Unfortunately, until recently DHs parents seemed to buy into some of it.
One good thing about skids getting older...in-laws starting to look at BM with a more critical eye now that she doesn't have such a stranglehold on visitation...
Oh here's one! SMs are often
Oh here's one!
SMs are often told to love the skids like their own...and often judged harshly when they admit they don't.
Skids are never told to love SM like their bio-mom. I've never heard of a SD being told to love the kids like his own.
Oh, I would have wanted to
Oh, I would have wanted to punch her, too.
Yep. That's exactly it...they
Yep. That's exactly it...they assume all $$$ spent on them is dad's money. Hilarious. I don't disabuse them of that notion because I'm not a jerk, but I think they'd be shocked.
I am close to my SD15 and think we'll always have a relationship...but I worry when I talk to adult skids. I have yet to meet one who feels close to, or even likes, the SM. Otherwise rational, well-adjusted adults get all spiteful and entitled when talking about SM. Money often comes into it. I've heard adult skids say...not my SM...just my dad's wife. She's just there to live off my dad / spend my inheritance...etc.
Actually, I do know one SD who adores her SM and that's my aunt's SD. They're as close as a bio-mom and daughter. I'm worried that I'll be in the majority, though. So I've started putting aside a portion of my money in an account that's in my name only...just in case.
To be honest I read that and
To be honest I read that and thought, well she is an adult, she is right, she doesn't have to like or want anything to do with her step-mom. Just as many adults decide that they don't have to like or want anything to do with their bio-parents. Sure it does come off as being ungrateful, but she did acknowledge the help they have given her. It just goes to show that money can't buy everything and step-parents should always be prepared to be rejected. What I do for my step daughter I do because I have chosen to and for now we have a good relationship. If things were to change I would not regret all of the help I have given her and all I have given up because of her, these are active choices I have made fully aware that they may not be appreciated in the future.
I am not fine with it. I just
I am not fine with it. I just accept it as a reality.
Often it is easier to reveal truths to strangers than those that we know. The girl didn't say how she treated the SM, just that she avoided her. That might mean she doesn't pop to their house all the time, but is still very polite and respectful at Thanksgiving dinner.
I agree with this. She didn't
I agree with this.
She didn't bad mouth the SM. She just stated her true feelings. In my opinion, it's the same as SMs who dislike their well behaved, polite, respectful...SKs. They have never done anything to cause the SMs to not like them. But there are times when people just don't click.
LOL A few people here have
LOL
A few people here have posted about SKs like that.
Yeah...I get that. I guess
Yeah...I get that. I guess the difference is the skids don't put their time and money into helping/raising the SM only to be rejected. I understand that people sometimes don't "click" but that doesn't excuse blatant entitlement and ingratitude, does it?
And, going back to the original story, I can't see a stepmom being applauded by the Internet for pulling out of paying for a SD wedding after the kid and DH were rude and dismissive of her feelings...can you?
Oh hell no - she would be
Oh hell no - she would be called a heartless bitch and much worse!!
I agree, I don't think a SM
I agree, I don't think a SM would have been praised for same actions.
I have to wonder, how many SMs would have actually stood up and did just what that guy did. Often times SMs are so focused on being liked/accepted, that they allow people to treat them like crap, then complain about it later.
Yep. And maybe the reason
Yep. And maybe the reason that SMs are obsessed with being liked and let people treat them like crap...is also because of this double standard. They're desperately trying to prove that they aren't the wicked stepmom...that they do have everyone's best interest at heart...until they just can't.
I know for a fact that I've been called "petty" and "hateful" before when bringing up support / financial issues. I certainly haven't been applauded for sticking up for myself and my rights.
....Until they just can't.
....Until they just can't. Bingo! This woman entering a relationship with this man with kids is expected in a lot of ways to be a saint lots of times. BM is mad she's there, SK's are mad she's there. SK's feel lots of times like they have to show dislike to their Dad's new love to show loyalty to BM. SM is supposed to be understanding that everyone is hurting and take the brunt of that to the nose with no complaints. Lots of times, she's being fired on before she even gets a chance to see where she might fit in. She's supposed to rise above and do her best to PROVE to everyone that she's not the stereotype while being less than a person in the process. She matters the least in the grand scheme of things.
Exactly! I came in with my
Exactly! I came in with my income which is higher than DH's, I used to take puke shopping almost every time she was here, got DH out of living with an asshole roommate, puke has her own room, a new queen bed, her own tv, made birthdays special for puke, DH has a golf course membership, new golf clubs, we both each have new/used vehicles, bought our first home together, we are financially stable/saving for our future all thanks to me. Even DH has said these things wouldn't have been possible without me. Yet I can't spend what little money I do spend on myself without DH being questioned about it by puke. Or I'm the reason why DH tells her no.
Very rarely was I thanked and it was usually when DH told her to. Then she started wanting DH to pick her up in HIS truck or the card/present HE gave her when DH signs my name or she walks around the house like it's THEIR house. It's like her life with dad is just her and DH. I have no significance whatsoever and am just an inconvenience. Hence I do nothing for or concerning her. And DH isn't one to have the wherewithal to do, get, or plan anything special unless he is told directly to.
But we don't know if the kid
But we don't know if the kid is ungrateful,entitled...The fact that she acknowledged her SM's role in all of this leads me to think that she isn't.
It's possible that she thanked and was grateful to both of them for their help. But that doesn't mean she will like the SM.
THIS!!! This is the issue I
THIS!!! This is the issue I have with ASS - if he decides to go to college, he fully expects DH and me to pay for it. And, DH likely will want to do that.
I have said once, and only once, that I completely disagree with funding the college education of a kid who lies about us, tells us to fuck off and doesn't have one ounce of respect for either one of us.
yep - pretty sure DH will do
yep - pretty sure DH will do it anyway...sigh
Ah...I see. You don't know
Ah...I see. You don't know because you weren't there to see tone and body language. But I was.
She VERY begrudgingly admitted that her SM got her dad whipped into shape...to the point that he could actually support her higher education pursuits. She admitted this after a lot of pressing from me...for my own enlightenment / hoping to avoid pitfalls with my skids. WHY didn't she like her SM? What had she done or not done? What could she have done differently (answer was "nothing"). I told her that I felt like I was putting a lot of time and $$$ into my skids...had gotten their dad launched, essentially....THAT'S when she admitted..."OK, OK. My SM did the same for my dad. Too bad. He's my daddy and I'm not interested in her."
She was currently working on her PhD. And, let's be honest, all that money is money he/they made post-second-marriage...so it's her "daddy" and the SM sending her to school...setting her up for a lifetime of potential success.
And she said she didn't like her or care to know her in this tone like..."I'm an unreasonable bitch, right? Deal with it! I want what I want." It was despicable.
Point proved, I stand
Point proved, I stand corrected - she does sound ungrateful. It is all in the context. Thanks for updating.
Oh the karma awaiting that
Oh the karma awaiting that ungrateful 28 yr old beotch...
Hopefully she falls maddly in
"...But I just don't like her
"...But I just don't like her or want to know her...and I don't have to."
THERE is the money quote! That is what most non step mums don't realize. Stepkids don't reject their stepmoms because stepmom is mean. A lot of them reject you because they don't WANT to know SM. And daaaddddddddddy has made it clear that they don't HAVE to either. Regardless of how nice she is.
I still believe that the bio parent holds the key. If he makes it clear to the kids that he and stepmom come as a package deal the stepkids will naturally follow suit. If he allows the kids to ostracize SM, they will continue ostracizing her forever. Because they can.
I cannot imagine allowing my child to spend several months or years actively ignoring my husband. That would not do. They don't have to be best of friends. But some courtesy and good manners is necessary.
She can always pay all the
She can always pay all the money back. Exactly why doesn't she do that? What possible reason is there to accept large sums of money and resources from someone you feel no obligation to even be kind to at all?
Chick is a rotten apple, that's all there is to it. If I had been there I would have asked her point blank why she accepted the money and why doesn't she pay it back now since she's so solid in her dislike? I would also ask her if she is taking a pledge never to accept a date from a man with a child? Can she be certain she would never be in SM's shoes and is she willing to take all the behavior she has dissed out to her own SM? Will she pay for that kid's college education? She's old enough to be asked these questions.
I recently had an encounter
I recently had an encounter with an adult step-child who was working at the cellular sales store where my DH had just purchased new cell phones and plans. I was jokingly complaining that my husband didn't bother to ask me which phone I wanted when he went and changed our cell phone plan. The young man said: "I asked him 3 times if he was sure you wanted xyz phone." I said: "this is a second wife complaint." He then said: "yeah I have a step-mom and my dad does that to her all the time!" I asked him if he gets along with his step-mom, he laughed and said "now we do." Upon leaving the store I said: "tell your step-mom 'thank you!'" He replied: "Oh I do, all the time!"