First let me kick this off with a reality check for all those who will undoubtedly pass critical judgement on this written piece.
As little girls, we dream of prince charming, our magical fairy tale wedding, our 2.5 kids that we will have with said prince charming and our white picket fence that we can proudly host holiday get togethers in. Nowhere (and I do mean nowhere) in this picture of perfection do we ever entertain the notion that we will fall stupidly in love with a man who has a ready-made family.

“Gee, I think I would really like to become an object of toddler hatred and work harder than universally possible to prove that I am a good and worthy person for their father while constantly defending the fact that I didn’t break up Mommy and Daddy because I came along years after that.” -Said no one. EVER.
The fact of the matter is, no one comes up with this stuff. It is far from the fairy tale ending that you daydream about in study hall when you’re 16 to avoid doing homework. It just happens to be one of those “take you by surprise, why did I not see this coming, what the hell do I do now” curveballs your momma warned you about. Oh yeah sweetheart, they do exist.

And let me further expand on this “oh shit” moment by stating: I am a kick ass, no nonsense, “anything you can do I can do better” type of gal. I have worked full time to put myself through college, I have left a 5-year relationship in a place where I knew no one at the risk of being happier and I have busted my ass to achieve more in a career by age 30 than most do by 50. All this ladies and gents, PALES in comparison to the extreme difficulty of becoming a stepparent. Yea, that’s right I said it, this is by far the hardest thing I have ever tried to take on.

All of this is not without its upside. I love my man—I’m talking crazy, stupid, head over heels in love. And though I want to pull my hair out on an almost daily basis, I love those kids quite possibly the same amount as if they were from my own body. We have made amazing memories as a family, some good and some bad. I am even better at multi-tasking and juggling a million balls at once, if that were even possible. I have a true and unwavering appreciation for the stepparents in my life that have treated me as their own. They didn’t have to love or take care of me, they signed no contractual agreement. They did these things because they wanted to—a selfless task that is not for the faint of heart.
So, at this point readers are probably asking themselves “Ok, this is where she tells us she has figured it all out, things are better and she lives happily ever after.” My response must be “Ha! That’s cute.”
Even though I do not have things figured out and situations are not always “better,” I do have a few cold hard truths about step parenting. And, just like in life, you must take the good with the bad. Take what pearls of wisdom I have given you and apply it—or don’t.

Cold Hard Truth 1: This will be the most thankless albeit awesome role you will ever take on.
You wake up 2 and 3 times a night to fill a hungry belly. You spend copious amounts of your own hard earned money to make sure they have everything they need AND MORE. You make lunches and create last minute school projects. You give up date nights and happy hours to come home and cook a meal you hope they will like and watch oddly entertaining Disney movies instead of your usual trashy TV shows. You do all this with a smile on your face and a song in your heart. And yet, at any given moment you hear comments from the mouths of babes that pack enough of a punch to drop you to your knees. “You’re not my mommy,” “My mommy does this or that better,” or my personal favorite, “I hate you.”
You do not see these coming and boy, oh boy, when they do… your world stops, your eyes well up and you have suddenly lost all semblance of self-confidence. If you haven’t had these comments hurled at you, just wait; its coming. Your adult sense of logic cannot fathom how you can do all this and still be lowest of lows in their book—like I said, thankless. It sucks and I will not even try to lessen the blow about the level of suck.
So, now that we have that sucker punch out of the way, let’s get to the awesome portion of this section. It may not be in the first month or even first year. But at some point, you will hear the comment “Can you tuck me in?” “Do you promise you will be at this practice?” or even better, “I love you.” Not going to lie, you will have yet another world stopping, eyes well up with tears moment. These are the moments you will live for, the ones that completely outweigh every hurtful word they may have ever said in the heat of the moment or during a time when they, too, are confused and hurting. In that moment, your faith in yourself will be restored, your smile will not dissipate for days, and you don’t regret for one second all those thankless acts.

Cold Hard Truth 2: Their biological mom will probably hate you—and that’s life.
Let me preface this by saying “Hey, if this doesn’t apply to you and ya’ll are best friends with zero animosity, BRAVO! That is amazing and I am so glad that this is how it worked out for you.”
This, however, did not apply to me. We were all told growing up that not everyone you meet will turn out to be your friend. Nowhere did they say that in some instances, they will not only detest the thought of being your friend, they will straight up loathe your existence and the very air you breathe. I would like to tell you that I committed some horrible atrocity towards her, or her children, that made me the devil incarnate in another woman’s eyes. Sadly, this is not the case. I try to remain respectful, even helpful, in our limited interactions. I would nail my own tongue to a table rather than belittle her or speak poorly of her in front of her children. And most importantly, I would NEVER try to take the place of her in her children’s eyes or make the kids choose between a relationship with her or me. Admittedly, I bounce between giving zero cares in the world on her opinion of me and wracking my brain trying to figure out what I could do to put myself in a better light in her eyes. The truth of the matter is, no matter how good of a person you KNOW you are, some exes will never view you as anything other than “the horrible homewrecker that stole my family.” You know you didn’t steal them or even wreck their home. The basic fact of this situation is this: her kids will be raised by another woman other than herself for half of the week (or whatever the custody distribution is). That, my friends, is a bitter and giant pill to swallow. Just like you didn’t grow up dreaming about being a step mom, she didn’t grow up hoping to be divorced and share her children with her now ex-husband and his new love. My advice: whether she takes this all-in stride with grace or is secretly stabbing a voodoo doll with your name on it; that woman is the mother of the kids you love so much. Treat her accordingly, treat her with decency—even when it’s not returned. You now have little eyes on you looking for poise in a time of chaos.

Cold Hard Truth 3: You will get lonely—especially if you have never had kids of your own.
This seems kind of silly and I am sure you’re thinking “Wait, you just said you never have any alone time, make up your mind woman!” Well the response to that is a gray area—and anyone who knows me, knows I absolutely detest gray areas. You will be constantly surrounded by chaos, and noise, and tiny hands and faces that have zero concept of personal space. Yet, despite all this, you will feel lonely. You will have those moments where you can’t see where you fit in with your man and his kids. You will be envious of the bond that he and his ex inevitably have because of those kids. You will be googling tirelessly trying to figure out why you don’t feel like a part of the family even though you are smack in the middle. Believe me, at the risk of sounding like a creepy high school sex ed teacher, this is all completely natural. Basically, you are trying to seamlessly mold yourself into what is an already working system. “Experts” say this may take around 7 to 12 years and if you happen to get there before that timeframe you are the lucky ones. I know what you’re thinking! “Damn I have a decade or more of this?” Relax. There will be lonely times and there will be times where you are wishing you felt lonely. It varies, just like each day. Take the good days and hold onto them. The bad days—well, I am not afraid to admit there have been more than one crying jag over a bottle of wine because I felt so lonely and out of place I couldn’t stand it. It’s bound to happen and no that doesn’t make you an overly emotional paranoid freak. It makes you human—embrace it.

Cold Hard Truth 4: You will have no idea what the hell you’re doing.
Having spent several years around other people’s kids I thought I totally had this under control. No problemo. Uh….WRONGO. Trust me, you will be put in that spot where Kid 1 acts a fool, completely screws up, and you are sitting there going “Uh do I discipline him or do I go get his father and seem like a total tattle tale??” Well to this I suppose that would be a conversation you would have to have with dear hubby. What are you two comfortable with? Have that discussion—and soon. Get the upfront boundaries so you know what you’re working with.
Also, you may think you are screwing up royally… but only YOU know what you are capable of. There are some days I can bounce out of bed, have the kids dressed and fed, handle a lost bottle and a toddler meltdown, because God forbid he got the blue cup when he really wanted the green. Then, my friends, there are days where I am so proud of myself for not curling into a ball in the shower rocking back and forth while crying when the kids are screaming downstairs that someone took someone else’s toy and World War III is about to ensue. There are good days and bad days—see Cold Hard Truth 3. Embrace it.

Cold Hard Truth 5: At some point, you will ask yourself if it wouldn’t be easier to just find someone with no kids and start from scratch.
Well the answer to that would be yet again; a gray area. Say you leave this drama behind, find yourself a new man who may or may not have a marriage under his belt but doesn’t have kids. I would like to tell you that this would be a cakewalk compared to the option you left behind. The reality is: every relationship type of situation will have its downfalls. You name it: money issues, infidelity, character flaws and good ole irreconcilable differences plague every relationship—kids or no kids. In past long term relationships, I have had a bevy of issues that were “deal breakers” that had nothing to do with step kids or past marriages. In other word’s the grass may always seem greener, but the grass is only greener if you water it. Catch my drift?
I would be less than honest if I said I hadn’t played this out in my head a time or two over the course of my relationship. Every time I played the “what-if” game I always came back to the same conclusion: as crazy and unideal as this situation is, I cannot imagine a life where I don’t have my man or those crazy kids. Bottom line. Now sure, plenty of relationships involving this situation fail—and at a rapid rate (per statistics). I have also seen some of the happiest couples I know in this situation. It is all about what you put into it. I find it amusing when people say that relationships/marriages are 50/50. I must respectfully disagree. Divorcees are 50/50. Relationships/Marriages are 100/100.

I am no professional therapist, I hold no degrees in family counseling or psychology and I certainly didn’t write this to get up on my soap box and garner sympathy. All I have under my belt is what I live every day. I also know that I am not alone in my thoughts and opinions and I don’t belittle others for views that are opposite of mine on this subject.
This is a scary, happy, painful, joyous predicament—one that I have zero regrets walking into. This is my statement to let others in this situation know, you are not alone. You are not weird, or a horrible person for feeling these things. You are not damaged for being in such a relationship. You may not be the biological parent, but through it all you would step in front of a moving train for those kids without a moment’s hesitation. You are the difference in a child’s life—you chose to love, to cherish, to care for what isn’t your own. That is no small feat, it is no simple task—and it is scary as hell. You will have joyous days and times of unimaginable love and warmth. And you will have days where you have no idea how you ended up “here.” Take it all in stride. Be kind. Be loving. Be patient. And know that you will inevitably mess up at some point—and that’s ok. Just like there is no handbook to parenting... there is certainly no handbook to step parenting. Embrace the suck, try to move on and create a better day tomorrow.
I can guarantee you, with enough trial and error, you will get the hang of it. Hell, I am still learning. Eventually you will get to a point where you can make light of the bad, the criticisms, and yes, even the stereotypes. Although “step-monster” is a damaging term, I do know that they are out there. I strive every day to break that stereotype. We may have not “dreamed” of this, but it certainly doesn’t have to be all be a nightmare.