HELP! --Marriage, Menopause, Mid Life and Step kid Problems
I will try to make this short but my marriage is in serious trouble. My husband wants a divorce. 
We have been married for 8 years and it seems like we have had nothing but problems. Background first, we are older this is both of our second marriages. We both have children from previous marriages. I waited almost 20 years to remarry him only 2. I have firm believes in commitment and marriage so throwing in the towel has never really been an option for me.
In the first year of marriage we both realized this was not going to be easy. We had problems with his teenage son that he had custody of. Then I started through menopause which all the stress at home made the menopause symptoms so much worse. I was consumed with worry, anxiety and mood swings. I went to the doctor and got hormones and that helped some. The stepson moved and I thought things would get better but my husband seemed to just withdraw seriously from me. Which has been an ongoing issue for the last few years. It seems like we take one step forward and 3 steps back in our relationship. Now, I am convinced he is going through his midlife crisis. For the last few (3-5) years he has gradually gotten more and more angry, irritable and belligerent over even the smallest thing. He has completely withdrawn away from me in every sense of the word. He thinks the only reason I stay with him is because of the financial support. In the past 6-7 years he has gotten in huge arguments with me, his family, co-workers and even the bosses. At one time I begged him to either get another job or let things go because he was going to get fired. I have went to the doctor with him begged him to go on anti depressants or anything to help his moods to no avail. He always tells the doctors he has no problems and they just look at me like I'm crazy. There is something seriously wrong. He gets angry over the smallest of things when it comes to me and our family. If I don't put the TP on the right way. If I have too much trash for him to take out. If I don't push down the trash in the can. If I leave anything in his pathway even accidental he his a mess. He says hes not happy and I can see that he isn't happy with anything anymore. If he does anything to help out someone he will gripe and complain like crazy about it later. He is miserable. I bend over backwards to get along with him and it is never good enough. If I do the slightest thing wrong he completely goes bezerk! Oh and every bit of his unhappiness is because of me or something I did or did not do. He is soooo irritable and angry!!!
Does this sound like a mid life crisis? What can or should I do? Suggestions please
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Comments
Do me a favor and read over
Do me a favor and read over your post. If this was written by a friend of yours what advice would you give them?
It's one thing to never give up on marriage but it's a completely different issue when you start to give up your right to a peaceful life.
There is no such thing as a
There is no such thing as a mid life crisis. Made up stupid 3 words for letting people off the hook for shitty actions. SO do not call it that. Remove it from your vocab, ok? YOU don't own his actions he does. Naming it a mid life crisis removes HIS ownership. SEE what I mean?
Could be early onset of dementia OR some other neurological problems or maybe he is just an ass?
Sounds like he has always been this way?
Nailed it!
Nailed it!
Well thank YA Veritas
Well thank YA Veritas
Tell him to seek therapy or
Tell him to seek therapy or you're filing for divorce.
I'm serious.
This is abusive.
You may think it's not but I"ve been through this with my INLAWS.
My FIL turned into a very nasty man in his 50's to the point my MIL
actually drew up divorce papers even though it is a sin according to her religion.
Sit him down and tell him he's got 2 options.
Get help or he needs to leave.
Consult a lawyer as well to separate.
Stop trying to please him.
Stop trying to please him. My husband can be a huge crab ass too. You know what I do? I let it go in one ear and right out the other. If he complains about something, I tell him "then do something about it" I can't do everything. My husband likes to blame everything on me as well. I just laugh, I really don't let him bother me.
You can't do more than he is
You can't do more than he is willing to do for himself. If he is irritable and miserable, then he has to want to fix it. You can't make him do it.
Also, it sounds like this has been going on since the beginning of your relationship. It's possible that this is just who he is - an angry, abusive person. There isn't anything to fix in his mind because nothing is broken. He's not necessarily wrong as it may be his status quo, but that doesn't mean he should drag other people into it.
I was married to someone who made me feel miserable, but he was totally content. I begged and pleaded for therapy. Begged and pleaded for answers. Begged and pleaded for change. He didn't see the problem, so nothing changed. Even when I left and he begged for me to come back, he changed ZERO habits that I had issues with. I bent over backwards while we were married to make him happy, but it was never enough. He couldn't be bothered to even speak to me politely after we split and he was begging for me back.
I'm not saying get divorced. I am saying to stop acting like you can fix this. Go do YOU. Stop living your life trying to make your DH happy. You can't make him change. You won't make him change. Take back your life and do what makes YOU happy.
You have just described
You have just described abuse. If he wants a divorce.. let him go. It may be the smartest thing you've ever done in your life. You also might want to check out Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That.
You don't have to get a
You don't have to get a divorce just yet, seperate or live apart for awhile. Maybe you both just need a little space.
My mom and her ex husband
My mom and her ex husband went through this for years when my younger sister was about to move out. They finally separated about a year after she (sister) moved out. My mom left and got her own place. They rarely saw each other. About a year and a half later he filed for divorce.
My mother is happier than I've seen her in years and years. She hasn't been this happy since before she married him. She got her life back and is loving every minute of it.
Sounds as if DH quit this
Sounds as if DH quit this marriage early on. Bookmark for a husband.
There is definitely the possibility of health & psychological issues which could be addressed. Midlife crisis or male menopause? Nah, just seems to be an ass who can't be bothered to act decently. Blaming you may have some specks of truth, but likely is just deflection, a red-herring. Your DH appears to have little interest in identifying, accepting responsibility or even trying to resolve things.
Perhaps it's a case of 'too little, too late" & it seems there is rarely a chance to back away from the Divorce-speech cliff. Marriage-counseling needs both parties to at least show up.
I don't know. {Hugs} It sounds terrible.