Should I care what MIL thinks?
My MIL believes that I need to be at my SD's events when the ex is present. That I should attend her soccer games, her dance recitals, her christmas plays etc. That I am showing SD that I am unavailable.
I use to attend all these things until her mother and I had an argument. We both decided it was not in anyones best interest for us to be together. I know that I experienced a lot of anxieties before each of these events. I now have a child of my own and am pregnant and they have become my priority.
I love my SD. She is a big part of our family. She has no idea on the real reason why I don't attend. I can usually make her understand that I have to work or whatever the excuse it. We as a family then do our own celebrations for her without the ex being present.
Am I wrong in not attending? Is my MIL right?
This is your decision
First of all, try not to care what MIL thinks. Only YOU know what's best. Yes, you need to take care of your little ones and like Skye22 once said to me, you might just be trying to be a good stepmom, but the baby inside of you deserves a calm and peaceful environment too. If you are experiencing a lot of anxiety before SD's events, then that can't be good for the baby! Try to keep stress to a minimum. (I'm trying to take this advice too!)
Do you know how SD feels about you not being there? Is she disappointed, or is it maybe a relief to her to not have to deal with any drama between her mom and stepmom?
No, you are not wrong in not attending. Sure, your MIL has a point, but so do you!
The ex and I have never had
The ex and I have never had drama in front of our children. In four years we have only had one fight (right after I miscarried and she said it was inappropriate for her daugther to refer to me as her step mom.....my hormones got he best of me). I have always gone to the events..smiled been polite...but full of anxiety and stress.
I think my SD understands. She will say things like "wish you could be there but I will have mommy and daddy there". She does act differently towards me when her mom is present. Usually I get lots of hugs and kisses and when mom is present she shies away a bit. Dad feels the same sometimes. Whenever she has something special I will make sure we do something here on our end..maybe put flowers in her bedroom or a special dinner.
Your point about the MIL...that is true. She has way too many opinions for me. My parents are hands off..raised you so it is your turn to figure it out and they trust that I will. They listen without judgement. MIL she judges. I have my thoughts on what I am doing and think I am right but at the same time am wise enough to know that I too can be stubborn. Maybe she is right. I guess I am just trying to do what is right for my family without sacrficing my own well being.
We miscarried last summer so I am trying really hard to be stress free. I am just 13weeks and 40 years old (already had 2 scares in the last 13 weeks). So I am trying had to minimize the stress. I stay away from MIL and the Ex.
Now I'm even firmer in my opinion!
Hearing that you've miscarried and are high-risk due to being over 35, I stand even firmer in my original opinion! Do not sacrifice your own well being, and that of your unborn child, to follow MIL's unwanted advice. I think you're smart to stay away from MIL and the ex to keep the stress levels down.
When I was pregnant with my daughter, my dad was giving me a hard time about being behind on the renovations of our house. (The typical putting me down behavior I was talking about in your 50/50 blog.) In the same conversation, he told me to minimize stress, so I took his advice and didn't talk to him for 2 months! The only reason I picked up the phone after 2 months was to wish him a happy birthday. I kept it brief and limited contact again until closer to giving birth. Best advice he ever gave me!
I really can relate this balancing act
of knowing what is right or wrong for skids and the in-laws. Imo, if you and bm both agree that you should not be at sd's games/functions, then by all means, don't go. I know inside your struggling b/c you don't want to disappoint sd, but on the other hand you don't need the added anxiety b/c of all the drama. You never know, this could be a temporary decision, and maybe one day you guys will change your minds.
I think what you are doing is okay...you don't go to the game, but you make a special dinner, you acknowledge her achievments in your own special way. That is absolutely wonderful.
If your mil criticizes you, just remember something...you can't please everyone. Right now, you can deal with disappointing mil, but you can't deal with the turmoil of bm and the anxiety it brings. Perhaps dh can explain the situation to mil and maybe get her to understand the decision that has been made between other adults? Is your mil the type that feels she runs her childrens' lives? Or does she just not understand the whole picture?
Bests,
Candice
HI Candice
HI Candice
My MIL just thinks everything she says is right. She has an opinion for everything whether you ask for it or not. Ever since I spoke up to her about not wanting to be apart of this one big happy family (the ex's and my husbands) she has not really liked me. Prior to that the ex was public enemy number one. Since she has burried the hatchet she expects that we can do the same. For me I have hard time understanding that...since the ex was so awful to my husband...took his daugther away from, had an affair, dragged him through court, extorts money from him...the list goes on.
I guess I have my own guilt about not being present but feel that it is best for the time being. You are right maybe one day thing will change. My dh has told his mother where we stand (he is very supportive of us).
Some people are difficult and I think you made a great point...we can't please everyone.
Hi Tyra
well there you have it...mil is just really opinionated, and doesn't sound like a good listener. It sounds like she wants everything her way, but doesn't get the whole picture. Right now, how reasonable is it to expect the ex-wife and the new wife to rub elbows together?
Sometimes people feel that they are the manager of the universe...and don't realize people can take care of themselves. I'm a little guilty of that myself, but I just try to relax and let it go..
Just take it one day at a time.
Bests,
Candice
Pressing the guilt buttons.
OK, so just to keep up, MIL is Mother in Law, right? Anyway, my in-laws like to lay guilt trips on me over the skids. They even lay guilt trips on me over things my husband does. I've learned slowly to not by into their warped perceptions and busy body tendencies.
It sounds like MIL is trying to guilt you into doing things her way. You and BM made a decision and it sounds like the kids are adapting well enough, now maybe the adults can learn from the children.
Guilt is often a way to manipulate people. It only works on people with a sense of ethics and consientousness (sp) The real evil stepmothers are not sitting around putting their time and energy into making the "correct" decision. It sounds to me like you are a stepMom who really cares and I think you deserve recognition for your decency and respect for your decisions.
Congratulations of doing such a good job with your SD.
// Susanna
Thanks.I do care and want to
Thanks.I do care and want to do the right thing. I know that what we do today will impact our children for a lifetime. It isn't always easy....very hard sometimes. I have a wonderful husband who supports my decisions. He is a wonderful father to his children. It breaks my heart when he can't have his daugther more.
I think most of us here just want to do the right thing. Sometimes we make the wrong decisions so it is nice to be able to talk to others who have the same issues and get their opinions on how to handle it.
Thank you.
ps.....I am still trying to figure all the abbreviations out but I think MIL is Mother in law (at least it is for me)
You have such a good point!
I like your point about guilt really only working on people with good ethics. I have the world's worst in-laws, and despite the fact I work endlessly to be the best sm to my ss, nothing is ever good enough for them. They refuse to give me credit for anything, and they absolutely do not have good intentions for me. And they always paint a bad picture of me, even fabricating some things, just to be talking trash.
I know with 100% certainty, I have good ethics, and at first, their guilt trips worked on me. But once I realized they were working me over, I stopped allowing them to manipulate me, and I created distance between myself and them.
When I experienced some real betrayal from my in-laws, it took me a long time to get over it. Now thinking about it, knowing that guilt trips only work on people with ethics makes total sense to me. No wonder why they were using me! I just had a light bulb moment!
Thanks Susanna!
Been there
When my husband and I first got together he wanted me at all his son's events. It was difficult for me becase for some reason WE ALL had to sit together. Me, him, BM and her parents. Looked like one big happy family. Finally I put the stop to that. My husband and I totally sit on opposite ends then her. I will not go to anythign and be anywhere near her. I do not have to. She has no one in her life except her parents. It is real hard for her to see us sitting together (I guess she can't accept the fact that she is divoced). It is funny to see how she is now gravitating toward wherever we are. She will now sit one seat infront or a couple of seats to the side of us. She was real bold to sit right behind us one day. My husband just started rubbing my back or giving me little kisses on the back of the neck. Let's just say she has now moved away from us again.
Bottom line....I didn't want to go to anything of his son's either becasue of her. But I have a family now and if it means sucking it up and being better than I will. I would want his son to go to any functions of my child's. She still to this day she turns my stomach and I just ignore her and if she feels the need to come over I walk away or stare right through her.
I will tell you this too. I now must go to his son's functions because if I don't she is like a leech on my husband. I walked in late one day to a sports event. (I guess she didn't think I was going to be there) and she was sitting right next to my husband. the minute she saw me coming up the bleachers she got up and left. If I don't go to appointments or school functions she tries and get real buddy with my husband acting like the perfect family still.
PS I am now pregnant too and believe me I hate the stress too
Sounds like we have the same
Sounds like we have the same ex. She too only has her parents (guess when you sleep wiht your best friends husbnad you are bound to lose all your friends). Her daugther is always asking me if her mommy and daddy are best friends. YUCK!!!!!
I hope one day I can be strong enough to show up to the events and look straight through her. Right now it still bothers me a lot and when you don't have your MIL support (says she is caught between me and her...never mind me look what she did to her son!) it is hard.
I am trying to just love my family and my baby to be without the added stress. My husband loves rubbing it in her face ..his new family. I don't seem to get that thrill that he gets.
Congrats too on your pregnancy. this is a time when we don't need the extra shit that comes along with a blended family or should I say with an EX.
Good Luck with everything. How far along?