You have a right to say whatever you feel...but then be prepared for the consequences. The sad part is that you are going on holidays and you aren't looking forward to it. That is a red flag in itself. Be honest and open...and tactful in your communication. Your vacation should be enjoyable for you too!

No step parenting doesn't get easier with time, especially when the couple doesn't have children together, but obviously even when they do, it is stressful. That is something that I discuss with my husband a lot...he thinks things will get easier as the kids get older...I say that it is not about the kids but how we as a couple united respond to situations.

I'm 25 and don't go on any vacations with my parents. Granted, I have kids of my own now and am married, but even before I was, I didn't expect to go with them on all their vacations. They're past the ages where they can expect it.
The hard part is finding a tactful way to bring this up. Does he already know how hard all the previous vacations were for you? If so, I would think that he would want you to have a vacation that you enjoyed- whatever that entailed. I'm afraid I don't have a ton of advice here , but I would hope that he would want you to enjoy your vacation.

I am just curious why it bothers you the thought of them all going?

I totally understand where icebug is coming from....

There are many little "things" or "reasons"..that sometimes make it difficult to relax around adult step-children. I have only lived under the same roof with the youngest for 1 year..the oldest lives thousands of miles away...because of their mother..they had their mind made up about me..long before they even set eyes on me. It's difficult to get past that..it's a process that happens over time..and in some caes it never happens.

Although youngest SD & I can get along...I have put up with subtle eye-rolls, or certain little "looks" or "leg taps" etc. between she & her BF and I feel like everything I say & do is scrutinized and discussed between the 2 SD's and nowdays to a lesser extend thier mother. I react in one of two ways...It either pisses me off....or makes me uncomfortable in my own surroundings..either way..not my idea of a good time!

The bond is with Dad..not me..I am the "outsider"..

Would they have supper with me if Dad wasn't there..probably not.
Would they play cards with me if Dad wasn't there..probably not.
Would they vacation with me if Dad wasn't there..probably not.

My God..the oldest won't even stay in the same room of my house if her Dad isn't present!

I thinks things are getting way better with youngest SD...especially since we have found our common bond.

Through-out the years SD's & I have never said anything outright nasty to each other..and superficially it may all look OK..but I still do feel the tension, especially with oldest SD.

Reconnecting with your mate away from the day to day stresses of life while on vacation and not having adult step children and associated step-issues in your face the whole time...isn't unreasonable.

I have my reasons and can empathize with her..but I am also curious about her reasons...are they similar? Is it common feel this way with adult step-children?

No they wouldn't do that to him... and he doesn't seem to notice the "looks" & leg taps etc. "I'm imagining it.."

But I'm not him. I'm someone he brought into their lives..they didn't choose me. And accepting me means dishonouring their mother..because she dislikes me.

They seem to resist bonding..if they start to get close to me and like me and we actually laugh and have fun together..they'll retreat or back off a little. It's much better since SD is on her own and out from her mothers influence and we're not under the same roof.

I notice my daughter also resists her Dad's GF's attempts at freindship or bonding... and I don't know why?

The psychology behind it all must be very complex.......

You need to sit hubby down and tell him how you feel. How awful feeling like an "outsider" all these years.

My aunt and her ex-husband take one "family vacation" each year with their three kids, all of whom are over the age of 22. The kids also bring their significant others (none are married). I can't figure it out. I would NEVER IN A ZILLION YEARS want to go on vacation with either my parents or my ex-husband, but hey, it works for them. What usually happens is that they do spend some family time together, but they also each go their separate ways to do whatever they each want to do during the trips. So it might not be as bad as what you're expecting. I think you have to set some ground rules or boundaries, what will be allowed/expected, etc. Not just with the kids, but with your husband, too. Make sure that you guys have dinner out alone at least once, for example. Try to think of the positives... with two adult sisters along, you have two built-in babysitters for your youngest!

~ Anne ~

In a perfect world this would be something to look forward to. My DH romantizes these family trips. His kids (SD-15 SS-16) fight with mine(11, 13, 19), do not participate in group activities, sit like a lump and mope, sleep in late-rising only to food up and lounge around again, will not try anything new and interject their sarcastic hateful remarks. Then when all the other kids including the 19 yr old go to bed--his hang out with DH and I, when he and I need our time. I spend most of the time encouraging and working on self esteem issues. Believe me it is not a vacation. It is more like week long "in-the-trenches" boot camp--for me!!! I do not understand why the kids want to go, if they can't have fun. I have discussed this with DH and said next vacation there are rules or you take yours and I take mine- see you next week.

For more than a decade we avoided doing anything noteworthy as far as vacations when my Son (SS-16) was on visitation with the SpermClan.

I finally said enough is enough. My wife and I started taking trips when he was gone about 5yrs ago.

In your case I think your BD is loosing out on special vacation time with Mom and Dad because Dad feels guilty and needs to bring the half sibs.

I am six years older than my next youngest Bro (youngest bro passed when he was 10mos old and I was 8yrs) and he, Mom and Dad did a bunch of stuff without me when I was in my 20s+. Good for them. I am glad they got to do stuff. I have six years of only child memories before my Bro was born. He does not lament not being around for those memories. Why would I begrudge he and Mom and Dad memories without me?

Tell your DH to grow some stones and pull his head out of his ass.

Just my humble opinion of course,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

They are adults now and should not be included in vacations.

You daughter now has a right to enjoy her parents without the whole step family senario.

I feel my family is similar to yours. The SD caused alot of stress and now that she is grown, I feel that my DD10 and DS3 should have a right to enjoy mom and dad as a regular family.

By no means does that mean we cut out SD19...but she is away at college and needs to develop relationships of her own. Your SDs need to do the same.

As I feel about my SD...she was far enough apart from her siblings (by 9 and 16 years) to have had her own childhood with us. There was a long period of time when she was the only child and enjoyed all the benefits of just us. Now...like your SDs...she's grown...and it is time to give your DD10 her childhood.

BTW...I have also been a SM for 16 long years...so I know that this has been a long haul for you...it's a long time after the first 3!!!!!!!