New and Losing my patience
Hi,
I'm new and am very excited that I found this site! My FI and I just got engaged on April 4 and our planning our wedding for April 2010. He was married previously and has 2 teens~son 16 and daughter 14. BM was cheating with man at work for quite some time before FI found out about it. BM even took kids on vacation with him...that's how FI found out because the kids mentioned it. Divorce was filed in 2003. I met FI in 2004. I did not meet kid until 6 months into relationship. BM would stalk us, call my parents and family and continually cause problems. I moved in with FI in 2005 a year after we started dating. Tried to get along with BM but it's impossible. I swear she' bipolar and she's got problems with telling the truth. Lots of issues throughout the past 4+ years. That would take too long to mention.
We just bought a house last week and started moving into the house. We (FI and I) came home and found BM in our house looking through my photos. SD14 was there also. BM hasn't been allowed in home for over a year due to inappropriate behavior (coming in unannounced or when no one was home) and being disrespectful to everyone. She's well aware that's she's not welcome until she can apologize for her actions and behaviors. She's also decided that now-5 years later that she's want FI to have 50/50 placement. Before it was EOW when it was convenient for her (she would change things without notice and the police would have to get involved.) I went downstairs and ignored her. She had gotten dropped off there by husband (man having affair with)and was there for over 30 mins that I know of probably closer to an hour
She then started sending FI emails asking if we we're really getting married...That she only got married because FI wouldn't forgive her. She has blamed me for breaking up there home, badmouthed me to everyone including kids and done anything and everything she can to make our lifes harder. She even went so far as to somehow find our wedding website and comment that I didn't include that I was seeing a married man and the "heartache and pain I caused his wife and children."
She's the one who had the affair, she's the one whom filed for the divorce all before I even met FI but I'm the evil one. She then comments on our morals.
SD was to young to remember what happened but has listened to her mother and will occasionally make comments. Sometimes I want to just fire back and tell her the real story. It's creating stress in our home because she's so out there. She actually emailed that I should apologize to her...I'm never said one bad thing about her and have gone out of my way to be nice to her for several years and I've decided I'm done. I will have no contact with her until she can come to terms with things.
I think everything is because of her jealousy and regret...She's obviously a very unhappy person. Now that we're getting married, maybe it's finally clicked in her head that she isn't going to get FI back.
Sorry for the long vent but this last week has been driving me crazy!
Welcome. She sounds like a
Welcome. She sounds like a crack pot.. you should fit in NICELY!!! lol..
Welcome!
You'll meet some great "venting" buddies here....this site
has changed my life, 200% for the better!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
Welcome!
I would be pulling up my dress and heading to the mountains! LOL...j/k - - well maybe not...That situation sounds nuts! I guess we do it all in the name of love. I really enjoy this site a lot, you can read others stories and relate to them and most of all vent all you need. Looks like with the teens, you'll be venting a heck of a lot!
Thanks!
Thanks for the responses...It's great to know that I'm not the only one! It's also cool to have people that can relate to the situations!!
Entering House
This last time the SD let her in...I can understand wanting to show her BM her new room but getting dropped off there is wrong on so many levels!!!
The times before, we would occasionally leave the back door open for the kids when we knew they were coming over...they weren't very responsible with keys and we didn't want her having access to keys. The one time she came in and actually cleaned SD room...She's left notes for FI or he'd wake up to her calling his name from the kitchen...She has no concept of boundaries. We aren't and weren't living in their marriage home but she feels that she could enter.
I could always tell if she'd been in the house...It's just intuition. Even if nothing was noticeably different I just knew. She would deny it adamantly. But we knew and I think even the kids knew.
Our new house is having a security and fire system installed early next week which will send us a text message everytime someone alarms or disarms the house...I can so see that setting her off...She actually sent FI an email stating that she needs to feel welcome in our home if her kids are going to spend time there...It hasn't been an issue for the last year but suddenly it is.
FYI-family member works in the security field.
WOW- Entering your house???
I have one word for you step2b. Well, actually, two words: The first is "Welcome"!
And the second, and more importantly, is "BOUNDARIES".
This BM is WAY out of line. Coming into your home? NO NO NO. You and your Future Husband (FH) need to have a "come-to-Jesus" meeting about the control his ex "thinks" she can have on your new family life, and I don't just mean about the physical house.
She's the type who obviously is holding onto thinking she's still the wife, even after you're married. You, in her eyes, are always going to be the "secondary" wife, where she feels she can reign supreme and take over- UNLESS you and FH present a united front NOW and shut it down.
I know YOU are ready to do this. The problem, as most of us find on this site, lies with your FH- IS HE????
I hope for your sake, that his ex didn't get his "privates" in the divorce and he indeed has the guts to stand up to her and place YOU first and foremost in his life. (If you have been reading any of the postings on this site, you'll know that this is a common theme among many of our husbands/fiances/boyfriends when it comes to dealing with their exes).
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Welcome!
First of all welcome! I won't beat around the bush this woman has NO business being in your home and the skids are certainly old enough to talk to dad on their own without her constantly talking to him. Your FH needs to put his foot down now and set up boundaries. What is he doing about this? He needs to ignore her completely and if she sends him emails only answer if they are important regarding the skids. Calls should only be if they are absolutely of the utmost urgency. What goes on in your life with your FH is NONE OF HER BUSINESS PERIOD. He does not need to entertain her she needs to get a life. Your FH needs to lay the ground rules and he needs to stick to them. It will be hard on both of you but if you guys don't do it she will always be sticking her nose in your business. My FH and I have been in therapy for 4mths so he could finally get the BM to back off and our relationship is awesome now. The only fights we did have was about the BM. Take care and I hope everything works out for you.
That's just bloody wrong!
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
And I'd make sure FI let his children know, in no uncertain terms, that she is not to be allowed into your home. She is waaay out there, and you need to make certain your FI will stand beside you all the way. This is his fight since he chose to procreate with her. At least you'll find out if he's going to back you as he should before you marry him. If you check out some of the posts on here, you'll see a clear picture of how it is living with a man who refuses to stand up to the ex.
And, by the way, Welcome!
Thanks for all the advice!
Thanks for all the advice! FH is backing me...He decided on his own that he's not responding to any emails from her unless they are directly about the kids. When she calls he hands the phone to one of he kids. He's also sitting down with the kids and laying it on the line.
FH and I've talked about this stuff alot especially lately! I seriously think it's all stemming from jealousy, bitterness and the fact that the kids want to spend more time at our house.
She didn't talk to either of us from July until October and is was so quite...If only we knew what we did to make her not talk to us again ;0)