Urgent help and advice needed !
Right here goes, and apologies if this is a bit long…
Our ‘family’ consists of 4 children, 3 step daughters aged 13,11,9 and a soon to be 3 year old son.
We currently have a problem with the 9 year old and I personally think it’s due to sibling rivalry and jealousy. Despite living in a nice home, never wanting for nothing and having a truly wonderful mum (everyone says so, I am not being bias), a few weeks ago the youngest told her BD that she wanted to go and live with him. Unfortunately he responded by saying come and stay with me during the 2 weeks school holidays and we’ll see. That planted the seed and since then she made everybody’s life a misery until we agreed to let her go for just those 2 weeks (big mistake in my opinion). Of course now she does not want to come back!
I think this is no surprise as she has gone from being the youngest girl, battling and arguing with her 2 older sisters and being told off by her mum (like they all are) to now being the oldest (her BD has a 2 year old and a new born) getting lots of attention, being taken on day trips and generally being spoiled by the nanny and her stepmum. She tells her BD she is not happy at our house because mummy favours the middle sister and never spends any time with her, but this is total nonsense, it’s a busy house, she gets treated exactly the same.
My wife is obviously very upset coz until her BD planted the seed about staying with him there has been no real problems apart from everyday family life in a fairly big family and 3 girls all together arguing! I just think that as the youngest of the 3 girls she sees her 2 older sisters doing more grown up things and because she can’t do the same she doesn’t like it and just says that her mum favours the other two.
Also whilst staying round her dads during a holiday period she hasn't experienced the real world ie: getting up for school, doing homework, going to bed early etc etc. The BD is a bit of jerk as he seems to not think that it’s a sibling rivalry thing and she is just unhappy, although he doesn’t know why she is unhappy !
My questions are:-
1. Do you agree it’s a sibling rivalry, jealousy thing or something else?
2. Should we let her live with her dad?
3. Without his backing how do we get her home?
4. Does he need to go to court to gain custody if we want her to live with us?
Please bear in mind that the BD told her mum whilst she was 6 months pregnant with the youngest girl that he was leaving her because he didn’t want the family life anymore. Now 9 years down the line, when it suits, him he is happy to have only 1 of them back. He sees them every other weekend and nothing more. He never goes to parents evening or school plays, never takes them on holiday (goes with his new family) and in the 6 years I have been with Wendy he has never taken 1 day off in any school holiday ever. His kids fit in round his life, not the other way round. This is
I just feel so sorry for Wendy, bringing thse kids up on her own and now this. How bad will it be when the nanny of the dad turns up at school to take the youngest one home whilst mummy picks up the other one etc etc etc etc
I don't know what to say apart from telling Wendy she needs to put her foot down and tell the BD that he has to back her up and tell the 9 year old that she has to come home. But it ain't gonna be easy !
HELP !
1. Do you agree it’s a
1. Do you agree it’s a sibling rivalry, jealousy thing or something else?
Something else being: with her dad she does not have sister drama and gets parental attention without sister drama. It is nice for her there as she is wanting what she sees and feels like there.
2. Should we let her live with her dad?
I don't know at what age, but at some age the child can choose. I see nothing wrong with letting her go, as long as she has supervision while he works and not alone most of the time as she is too young to be alone much and still requires a babysitter in most states until a certain age. In my state, its 11 years old.
3. Without his backing how do we get her home?
Don't know....
and unsure if you can make her, check the laws in your state as at a certain age, kids can choose who they want to live with and as long as he can provide a safe home and she wants to be there, nothing much you can do.
4. Does he need to go to court to gain custody if we want her to live with us?
yes any changes should be done legally. Child support matters will also be settled at that time.
Sounds like Mom needs to
Sounds like Mom needs to take her out to lunch and talk with her on how she feels and what the problems are. Mom can ask her to tell her or write in a journal to her things she would like or things she would like changed. Just be sure that mom tells her just because she wants it does not mean she will get it, BUT if the things are reasonable and doable then try to do them. 13 and 11 are really different then a 9 year old so she may really just feel left out. She may feel needed and helpful because she is asked to help/play with the 2 year old and baby at her dads. At this point, just inform the child that she is to come home and everyone is going to talk about and figure out what would be best, and yes her opinion will be asked. After mom talks to her and figures out her problems, they should sit down with dad and figure out exactly what he is willing to take on. He may just be willing to take her now because he is happy she wants him and not mom, but when he figures out that her living with him would mean more involvement from him Bd just may decline full time living.
She is 9 years old and should not be expected or let to make decisions based on her feelings at the time. If you allow her to go live with her dad now because she wants to what happens in 3 months when she decided she doesn't like it there, does she then get to decide to move back? Is there any custody orders or child support in affect now? Would one week at your house one week at dad be doable? Or maybe regular schedule 3 weeks a month then one week at dads? Perhaps full time in summer and regular schedule during the year.
What type of relationship did you have with her before son was born? How about after? Is she wanting "fatherly attention"? Is she willing to help out with brother more? Making her feel special? Do all the girls share a room? Does she get her own at dads? Could it be that perhaps the older girls are really picking on her more and excluding her?