Looking for Advice
Forgive me if this is a little long:
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years and he has a 16 year old daughter and a 10 year old son. I don't have any children. They live with their BM and her boyfriend most of the time but my DH has the kids on Tuesday nights and every other weekend. Their BM just had another child with her new boyfriend. My DH splits his time between living with me and staying at his mother's (especially when he has his kids).
Over the Christmas break, the kids were supposed to be with their dad (my DH) from when school was out until Christmas day afternoon. The week before New Year's, their BM said that she was going to be induced, so the kids wanted to come back with their dad in case she went into labour. Long story short, my DH ended up having the kids for an extra 4 days over Christmas.
His daughter just had her 16th birthday a couple of weeks ago. She wanted to be with her dad, so even though they should have been with their BM that weekend, he went and picked the kids up on Saturday. The BM got caught in a lie that morning because she said she lost her mucus plug, but she had told us she lost it 2 weeks previous.
My DH was supposed to come over to my house with the kids on the Sunday. I had made a birthday cake for the SD, bought a present, etc. They were also supposed to bring the kid's uncle (BM's brother)so he could be there to look after them if BM went into labour. Another long story short, things got so messed up because the BM was having contractions and the kids didn't want to go home in case the mom had to go to the hospital.
Finally, my DH had enough of everyone because the kids and I were upset at changing plans every 5 minutes. He decided to take the kids home and go back to his mom's that night so no one won basically.
This weekend, he had the kids again and he told his daughter that he is not going to wait for her to decide anymore (she has been thinking of moving with him for about a year now). This fall, he is going to move on and make decisions for himself. My SD and I don't get along really well (she is a typical teenager and decided she doesn't like me), but I like to think my DH and I talk a lot. We really talked after everything at Christmas and the birthday mix-up.
Yesterday, DH texted me to say he was going to drop the kids off by himself when I usually go with them. He didn't tell me why and when I called to ask, he said he couldn't talk because he "had ears" (SD was listening) and to tell me would undo the psychology he was putting in place with her. He later told me that he was keeping me out of the weekend except for our nightly phone calls to show his daughter that I don't influence his decisions.
Since the kids are considering moving in with DH, I keep trying to integrate but with no success. I feel very left out and I hate not being able to talk to DH openly on the phone when he has the kids at his mom's. I keep trying to tell him that if we don't integrate now it won't happen. Am I being selfish and missing something or am I right that after 3 years things should be smoother? Any advice on how I can get over this hurdle of feeling left out?
Frecklecat. Just to clear it
Frecklecat. Just to clear it up...a woman can lose multiple mucus plugs during her pregnancy especially if this isn't her first. But even so... Yes, 3 years is way too long for things to be at the way they are in your relationship if he were serious with you. More importantly his excuses smell very fishy.
If he's seeing his kids only at his mom's why aren't you guys moved in together already? It wouldn't matter to the kids if they never go to his house.
Now as far as him not wanting to talk to you while around his kids tells me he's hiding you from them. I'm not buying his excuses really. If anything the opposite would prove to his daughter that you're NOT trying to influence his decisions because she would hear first hand.
You combine the lack of phone calls when kids are around, him always staying at his "mom's" when he has them, not integrating you with the kids, he hasn't initiated a future...I'd almost think he's playing you my dear. In fact. I'm 99% sure he is. I beleive you have been dating a married man for 3 years.
You've got a lot to think about FreckleCat. Sorry.
Here is my piece of advice.
Here is my piece of advice. I am dating a man who has 2 kids (I have none). What I have learned the past 3 years is, things won't ever get better (not for many years at least). If you or your DH have problems with the BM, then you always will. If you and the SD do not get along, that won't change anytime soon. I have the same problems and I keep thinking things will change. Maybe if I am nicer. Maybe if I try harder. Maybe if I am the organized one and get everyone on the same page. Maybe if I intervene with the BM. None of these things will change a bad situation. I know kids (especially older ones) know they can play their parents. They are so smart. They know how to get what they want. They know what buttons to press so mom or dad feel bad for them. If your DH won't include you in the lives of the children, won't ensure the kids know the role you play in his life, won't allow you to build a relationship with the kids...leave. Your only other option is to stay and not complain. I know that sounds harsh, but you can choose to live in that situation and put up with it or leave. I am almost giving myself advice as I type this to you. Trust me, I know how you are feeling. I know how many questions it raises. Make you wonder what is going on, etc. You deserve better than that.
Good luck.
Thanks for that Frapps.
Thanks for that Frapps. You've hit the nail on the head and I am struggling right now with the put up with it or leave thing. DH wonders sometimes why I put up with him. It makes it hard that this is my first relationship as well.
As for you Stepchicka, for the record, I have been partially integrated with the skids. I go with him to drop them off to BM, we have spent Saturday or Sunday afternoons as a "family" at the park, I go to his family's Christmas, Easter and Thanksgiving meals with the skids. I even know his mother, brother, sister in law and nieces and nephew. The nieces call me Aunt even. DH and I have NO secrets as we share everything. I know he is no longer into his ex (or married to her), and I have never worried about that. He has initiated a future, but he wants to move slowly as he is trying to rebuild everything since his divorce. I have to respect that and understand. He has never tried to hide me from the kids and he does talk to me every night when he's at his mom. Unfortunately, they overhear what he says because he can't take the phone to another room (his mom has one phone and it's not cordless because she is almost deaf and it's the only one she can even remotely hear on).
I don't debate what you say about the mucus plug, and maybe the ex did lose two. However, I have heard DH's conversations with this woman and seen some IM arguments and I know that we can't put it past her that she's lying. DH even doubted if she was telling the truth and was debating whether to take the kids back the day that our plans were changed every 5 minutes.
There are lots of issues
There are lots of issues with children of divorce. A female step-parent will always be competition to the daughter and the same is true of boys and male step parents. This is probably why your SD doesn't like you too much. They feel like somebody is stepping into their shoes. I constantly get to hear the I understand your here but I will never accept you from my SD. It really won't get any better for at least a few more years. You and your DH really should put up a united front and I would want to know why he is unwilling. He appears to be trying so hard not to make mistakes that he is making all of them.
I am experiencing many of the same issues and once the BMs child arrives be prepared for even more problems with the kids.
Take care!
You've got that right,
You've got that right, Tattoo. We have been having these issues for the last while. I think you are right about my SD seeing me as competition. My DH has explained this to me as well and I agree. I decided at the beginning before I even met the kids that I would not try to be their mom. Like I told DH, I stay out of disciplining them because I don't want to hear the "you're not my mom" defence. (ie "you can't make me because you aren't my mom"). At christmas, I even wrote a letter to SD telling her that I had no intentions of being her mom and that I hoped she would come to see me as someone she could trust and talk to as a friend (nothing more).
The 10 year old SS doesn't have these issues when he is by himself with us (he stayed with DH for the summer this year without his sister). DH has warned his daughter that she influences her brother and that she is poisoning him against me. She told him that he poisons them because if he says BM is going to do something bad/hurtful, she does (example: DH said BM would get pregnant and she did). DH was accused of putting ideas in her head and has been for 9+ months.
We are getting more united and have had instances to show we are united with discipline (me supporting DHs actions). DH has told his daughter that he is not waiting after September for her to make up her mind if she wants to live with him. At that point, he and I are moving on regardless. DH has told SD that if she does decide to live with him, it includes me and she has to get counselling. I agree with him but haven't seen or spoken to the skids since new year's so haven't had a chance to tell them that.
I am really struggling with feeling like I am being left out because of this and wondering how to make this work. I have expressed to DH that I feel we should have started forcing integration sooner and that it will never happen if we don't address it now.
I hope you are getting through these issues in your life, and we are prepared for issues now that the skids have a younger sister. My DH is expecting them to come live with him starting this summer. Either way, we move on in the fall!!