Outside Looking In....
Do any of you feel like you are on the Outside Looking In?
Sometimes I feel as if I am on the outside looking into my world around me. With DH, BM and SD there is constant termoil! These three are all spinning out of control and no one seems to want to just say STOP but me!
I watch as the BM constantly emails, texts or calls concerning SD. Sometimes every day of the week. She also schedules things for SD to do when it is our weekend/summer time. This tends to aggitate HD however he always responds back and allows BM to do this. Most of the time his frustration is taken out on me or my BD when this occurs instead of placing the frustration on where it actually originates.
SD is becoming meaner with her attitude, more demanding on DH, arrogant and controling. With the things that she says to me and BD I know she is picking up on things that are said when she is with BM. She will even treat her father as if he is not to be respected and the only time she wants to have his attention is when he is either taking her out for fun or he is enjoying our company and actually laughing. Anytime we do anything or I cook something for dinner she always has to add how her and BM did this and it was so much fun or it tasted so good. SD has also gotten to the point of when it is just her father and I doing things together she will remind him of how much fun they would have when it was just them. She will step in front of me and almost trip me if we are walking and I am beside him just to get inbetween the two of us. It is to the point now that I feel as if when it is just the three of us I am on a date with two people and I am the third wheel.
My DH has asked for advice on rare occasions on how to handle things but he did so about a month ago. This was my advice but he has not put anything into play.
1. As for BM the communication should be cut back. If at the beginning of the month she would like to discuss any changes then do so through email. (she is a pro at making us calenders with activities so this should be sufficent) They have been divorced for 5 years now and the schedule is known by everyone on drop off and pick up times.
2. Inform BM that his time with SD is his time. Any activity she has scheduled may not be attended if he has other plans for his time. I have also told him I will not take her for events durring our summer time if we do not sit down and discuss prior to him agreeing with BM that she be in these activities.
3. SD must be polite in our home. She will respect adults. And that it is his job to enforce this.
We had a blow up this weekend over some of these issues.
I feel as if I am watching my DH give into the BM and still allow her to control his world with manipulation. SD is acting out in such a manner that I feel if someone doesnt sit her down and explain that she is blessed because there are more people to love and care for her that when she gets into her teen years she may just completely destroy this family. I know she is jealous and not understanding us....even after 4 years.
How do I sit down and express all of this to him without him blowing at me or me putting him on deffensive?
Bettina, its scary how
Bettina, its scary how everyone on here has so much in common..(Gonna b long lol) My constant question to myself and friends, "when will my BF stop doing everything BM asks?!" Ugh.. My friend always says, "it will take time, then he will put u before BM" UM HELLO, BF and I live together! I don't care what past he had with BM, and yea they have kids together..ok! I guess after seeing my parents divorces, its different. They split, my dad paid CS, we traded every other wknd, my mom worked n took care of us and never asked my dad (her ex) to support her! So maybe I think all BMs should be that way?? WELL, my bfs BM NEVER sticks to the schedule! And it pisses me off!! We agreed to have the skids every other wknd aside from the 2-3 days we have them during the week.. That's fine, bf misses them and I adore them.. But as of late, we have them EVERY weekend so BM can go out and get drunk. It pisses me off cause whenever BF and I make plans, BM has something come up the day before, and me and BF have to cancel our plans! And BF always makes it " I miss my kids and I'm not going to say I won't take them!!" As if I'm the mega bitch who doesn't want to have them!Its like no, You won't tell BM no, cause SHE wants to go out and you never tell her NO! So then BM will text me and be like "if u can't watch them I will just stay home, go out and have fun" UGH like tryin to make me feel guilty n then BF will be pissed at me.. NO. So BM always gets her way! BUT my BFs kids love me, and I'm soooo thankful they don't try to -come btwn us- that would drive me nuts!!! And I sooo wish my BF and his BM only contacted eachother VIA email! Ugh, she is calling and texting all the time! Sooo annoying!
I really like and agree with
I really like and agree with what Stepping had to say.
And I also agree with everyone who feels that the schedule is in place for a reason - if she isn't respecting that, let her know that you CAN go to the courts. Part of most states' divorce process includes a "parenting plan" and both parties, by legal obligation, need to follow that. Obviously, emergencies are emergencies but if it's being changed on a whim so she can go do whatever she wants, that's a problem. Guilt parenting is common, but your DH is not a bad guy if he can't say "Yes" to every surprise visit she wants to drop on him - he should lay down the line and let her know that she can find a babysitter or another family member to watch the kids if she can't. Is that tough? Of course it is. Is it something that's worth putting the effort into to help your relationship? It definitely should be. Your relationship should be important too, because in the grand scheme of things, you value each other and a happy home between the two of you ultimately equals a happier home for the kids.
I think the advice you gave him is great.
I have to ask, when you guys talk about these things, does it come up in the middle of an argument though? Or do you set aside time when neither of you is hungry, tired, stressed, etc. to talk about these things calmly? The right setting for a conversation like that can make all the difference.
When your SD is saying, "I did x with BM and it was so fun," is it meant to be malicious or is it conversational? Sometimes kids say things like that just because that is something they did and they want to share it with you. How old is she?
Also, as far as "butting in" between you and your DH, is there anything in place that sets aside time just for her and her dad? Often times a lot of the jealousy can be appeased if there is designated "father-child" time. It reminds them that they're still a priority - and I can say that partially from experience, as I once was the SD. If you guys do this, or are already doing this, and it doesn't help her jealousy, I would recommend having him calmly but firmly let her know that he loves her very much and that's why they have their special days/afternoons/evenings - but right now he is spending time with you, and it's your turn for love and attention. Next week/month/whatever your schedule works best with, it will be her turn again.
blender!! Omg, I so agree
blender!! Omg, I so agree with you on everything! So very true, yet so so sad lol.. BM has bfs balls in a tight grasp, but if WE say that..the shit hits the fan, right?? UGh..BF and I have talked and talked and talked.. It never changes... He says, "I can't control her" "what do u want me to do" "she is the mother of my kids" "you want me to treat her like a piece of shit" bla bla bla! OMG I wanna scream half the time! I always get pissed cause if I call or text my bf half the time he won't answer, or he will take hrs to reply, BUT if BM calls, he answers, EVERYTIME!! Even if we have the kids!!! Same with texts! GRRR its making me mad thinking about it! I do not and will not ever understand so much of this bs!! And like I've said sooo many times, if the shoes were on the other foot... Oh boy!
Maux, I know!! It bugs the
Maux, I know!! It bugs the hell outta me! I brought up something the other day about BM.. And he said "she is the mother of my children, do u just want me to treat her like shit, then u will be happy?!" OMG I was like" I'm soo sick of you saying that! That is not what I meant!" Lol, they never get it!! I've said before, if u were in my shoes, and I was best friends with my ex husband or BD, it would piss you off!! He agrees, but never realizes when he does things! I mean god, sometimes I wanna say, if you two get along so friggin well now, stay together! GGGRRRRRRRRR
I also feel like an outsider.
I also feel like an outsider. Bm and DH are constantly exchanging emails - they will send "reminder" ones - it's like hello you guys have the schedule, you should know when you have the kids!! ANd don't get me started about changing the schedule - BM asks we say yes, we ask, BM says "I'll have to see" or some crap like that. I am sick of it! I have told my DH that he is no longer married to her! He of coruse says it's for the kids or I don't want to look like the bad parent.. Ugh!!!
We asked the BM if we could
We asked the BM if we could have an extra day every week since the boys are getting so busy with school and games and practices. BM never responded to DH's email. FInally he sent her another email asking and she said no. Of course.
AHHHHHHH!! What the hell?
AHHHHHHH!! What the hell? Lol.. See, they are all the same! Its like the BMs fucked over all these men, now they pay more money, and see their kids less while BM is up on some fucking unemployed high horse?! Sry, I got mad lol.. But seriously?! Its like they are afraid, "oh no, BM might get upset.." WHO CARES?! Its bs! When will we come first?! That's what I wanna know?! Maybe the BMs had kids, woot woot, BUT we have been here thru the bs, thru everything BM puts them thru, we have been the backbone and we get walked when it comes to BM..
I'm thinking maybe I will
I'm thinking maybe I will come first after the kids are in college and don't live with their mother anymore...but then again, they will probably still find something to email each other about all the time...
Blender, we always take the
Blender, we always take the higher road, but why are we on the bottom of the list?? Grr.. Idk why I'm so mad now lol, I wasn't even upset today.. But the more I think, the more I'm getting pissed, not just for me, but for all of us!! BMs want all the control, and they know the only way they can still have control over our men is by acting like they need to be in our business every damn day about the kids!!! "How r they" "what r u doing" "are you having fun" OMG, we only have them 2 days this week lol, they're still alive, don't worry! Geeez! Its funny tho, cause the kids actually dis-respect BM lately and always want to stay with me and BF.. She is always crying about how they ignore her and talk back.. Haha, they don't do that when they r with us! Skids never wanna go home when we say its time to go..
Thank You Ladies so much for
Thank You Ladies so much for your response its good advice and honestly knowing that others are going through this somehow makes me feel not so alone.
Stepping.....Yes I praise him so much when he actually puts his foot down either with the BM or in actually correcting SD. When it doesnt seem like this controls our whole world I dont discuss this with him at all. I am trying to learn to pick my battles. I need to tell him what you told yours about making the BM happy.
Synaesthete.....This topic comes up when we are just sitting and talking about things and in angry moments. Other then these issues we really dont fight. And I am very agreeable with what you said about a happy home and that making for happy children.
With SD I will decline going to ballgames at times or the arcade and tell my DH that he needs to have his time with daughter. We have her EOW and when BM needs a hand so the two of them actually spend alone time at least a couple of hours each time we have her.
SD is the type of child that says and does things to always be better then everyone else or have more then everyone else. I wish she had the skills to have normal conversation but she has been raised in such a manner that she even has difficulty playing with other children properly. She is 9.
Blender I feel you on that
Blender I feel you on that haha.. I would love to do some horrid things to BM.. I have actually told BF several times, "your lucky she is the mother of your children!" Lol, I have wanted to fuck her up so many times.. For what she does to her kids and what she says and does to BF.. And yea I know its immature to wanna kick her ass, yada yada yada.. But somebody needs too! Lol.. I can't stand that bitch. I always tell BF idk how he was married to her so long. If I had to listen to her fuckin crackhead squeely annoying voice everyday I would rip her voice box out! UGH.. And I said I hope whenever he slept with her that he was very, very,very drunk!! Cause she is N-A-S-T-Y!!!!!