Has Anyone's DH Decided it Would be Best for Skid(s) to Stay with BM?
The title question is a little vague, so let me explain my question.
IMPORTANT: I have found I must disclose important things in the beginning of a post, before someone reads this, gets offended, and before finishing reading the entire post, ignorantly responds to something I was not even referring to. This post is NOT about me, my life, or my situation. However, I do know that it happens and that some people have mixed feelings about it. What I am curious to know more about, is if any of you have experienced it and if so, maybe a little about the situation, and how it affected everyone.
I do not want a rant or post about Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). I have done my research on it and am FULLY aware of what it means and possible consequences. I also know that there could also be a positive side to the child not seeing one parent, instead of being brainwashed their whole life. That, and it would cost hundreds of thousands of dollars to find the right representatives, judges, etc. to fight a case such as that, and even then it depends on where you live (really, where the child lives) and how educated they are on the matter. So please, do not make this about PAS.
Generally I would think this would be the case in younger children's lives, due to the age of the parents or other children involved. Have any of your DHs, or has anyone heard of DHs disengaging from their own children?
Let me give an example scenario:
A man has a child with and ex-girlfriend/ex-wife/one night stand, what have you, and she turns out to be the oh so crazy BM that most of us are all too familiar with. Except for this one pushes it a little farther than most of the others. She shows up at places of employment, events where she knows you or the DH will be, or family members' houses, just to throw a dramatic fit. She has called DCS on you or your husband a number of times for abuse, put it in legal documents that their child is abused by you or your DH, and even fought it in court. Not to mention, she has taken a child at a VERY impressionable age (2-4) and hammered it into her head that 'Daddy hits/touches [me] here, he is a monster. I'm scared' or '[SM] hit and screamed at me. She is a witch. She scares me' or '[your child] BK touched me here (pointing to privates), [they] hurt me'. Not only these things, but has been taught to do them on a baby doll, by BM, and do those things to a baby doll in play therapy. For all necessary and REALISTIC purposes, let us say that all of this has been taken to and fought in court, and the BM has come out on top on every occasion.
(Save all of the arguments of 'children that young do not really do that on their own unless something is happening. #1: You would not say that if you were the one being accused, and knew it wasn't true. #2: Something IS happening, the mother figure of a very young child is teaching them to do these things.)
Regardless of the fact you were being the 'better person' and knew it wasn't true, what does that make you think for your BK's sake? Is that something you really want to put them through for the rest of their time you signed them up for with SK? Do you want the possibility of dreams and opportunities being crushed for them, because of a crazy BM? Forget the SK for a moment, and think about your BK.
Now, let us make a different scenario. All of the same things regarding the BM and SK above, but this time you and your DH have a baby together. Everything is amazing when the BM or the SK is not involved in anything. Eventually a conversation between you and your DH is brought up about you BOTH disengaging from his child. Of course, this is a day you have dreamed of, but have worried about your DH, because you know he loves his child.
He explains to you that he is very worried about the psychological stress and torment that his BM is putting his child through just because of him and his family. She has already taught her so many bad things, and is wondering how long it takes until his child ends up seriously physically hurt, or on Intervention. Despite his efforts both in and out of the courtroom, the better things get for him, the worse the BM torments the SK. He understands fully that the SK may end up a little twisted, maybe even trashy, but at least she will be happy. BM is not usually abusive in anyway unless it comes to DH and the life SK has with him and his family, so he can take comfort in the fact that SK will be a generally happy child without manipulation.
Not only all of that, but he fears for the life he is creating for the child the two of you have together. He knows he already messed up with one child, and wants to prevent doing it to another if he can. Because after-all, he cannot take BM completely out of SK's life. But the can take BM and SK out of your child's life.
Not to mention, he cannot afford financially, professionally, and mentally to keep fighting the BM in court just for her to keep winning. No matter the change in judges, etc. So you understand.
He continues to financially and monetarily support SK, but the two of you disengage.
Above are two scenarios/examples. Say you have found yourself in either of those, or maybe you know someone that has. Could you please share with me your thoughts and opinions. I am very open to ones that disagree with the disengaging, but keep in mind you are not lecturing me. It is simply something I would like to dig a little deeper into, as I know people in these very situations.
There is a point where the SK boasting stops, and where your own children become much more important. If your DH got behind you on that very fact, would you feel lucky or disgusted? Almost everyone I have met that has actually experienced it, hated the thought of their DH disengaging before hand, but now that they were living the nightmare are very happy to have a DH willing to do that for them and the family they have made. So could you see why I am interested in this?
Although the majority of the things I read on here are about people complaining about their SKs, no matter their age, there are still people who have great relationships with their SKs and sometimes even the BM too. To these people, I as that you understand not everyone has anything close to a 'civil' relationship with the SK nor the BM. So please do not dig into them or bash them when you don't support how they feel. The two of you do not live the same life, and while all children are inherently good and do not deserve to go without one parent if they do not have to...nurturing kicks in at some point, and that also means you cannot help how another mother nurtures their child, but you CAN help how you nurture yours.
Also, if you are more comfortable messaging me, feel free to do so!
Sorry this is so long. Any opinions are appreciated
I appreciate your post. It
I appreciate your post. It is a very difficult thing to say but after many years of lies, court battles and so on - my husband and I find ourselves in a similar state of mind.
Our children we have together are constrantly affected by the drama of the ex wife. She comes to our home when we are not here, invited in by my SK. She constantly changes our schedules, is hours late at a time leaving my husband to wait in a hot car with our one year old and three year old - just to cause a little more misery. She has moved her kids numerous times and now lives with boyfriend number 2 yet blames my husband for any mental anguish the kids may experience while my husband and I have been the only stable thing in the kids' lives for the last 6 years.
Her jealously of our lives has brougt her to make comments about our children together. She thinks that somehow the SK are being wronged because my husband spends more time with our kids. HELLO! It is called D-I-V-O-C-E! Of course he will not and cannot be there for everything. Especially when we live an hour away. Not to mention the fact that when my 3 year old has a tball game there is no drama or mass confustion. There have been numerous times my husband was given the wrong game times, the wrong ball field.
Above all....she also requested a protective order based on bogus information as a way to get revenge on my husband because he refused to have personal contact with her because of all the drama she would create. She asked that he not be around her (which he hadn't in almost a year), or the children...hmmmm, how is he to spend more time with them if you don't want him to even see them? It is obvious she is not "afraid" of him when she sends him text messages EVERY day. Reminissing of their past, pictures of her and the kids, silly little antedotes. He respongs to none of them but they keep comming.
Her reak havoc on our home and have made me a total mess. I want so much to protect our sons from all of this, and so does my husband. He is beginning to think his oldest children would also be better off without all of the drama. It is a VERY lost feeling. Both of our families agree and even encourage a complete disengagement for everyone's sanity.
We just can't seem to make the move. It is like we are treading water...living each day on eggshells. I cringe when my phone rings or when I get a text message. It has even got to the point where I dont' even keep my phone on once my babies are home. It sucks!
This really hits home for me.
This really hits home for me. My DH disengaged completely from one child, but not the other. The older child, a teenager, seemed to really buy into the crazy BM's agenda. BM falsely accused my DH of abuse, received an order of protection then proceeded to slander his name all over town. She had falsely accused him several times and the charges were ultimately dismissed.
DH refuses to speak to her on the phone or see her in person so BM emails him multiple times per day. She has taken us to court so often the judge won't hear another case until mediation is completed. BM has rewarded her son for also accusing DH of abuse. Skid has accused us of such ridiculous craziness even the judge said it was groundless and vexatious. BM called an emergency hearing using an email skid wrote stating my DH forced him to apply deodorant 6 times in one morning. (We can't get him to do it once, much less 6 times)
It's bad enough dealing with BM, but when skid started with the false criminal allegations, we couldn't even live in our own home without having the shadow of BM surrounding us and the fear of the police showing up. DH gave skid a warning, letting him know that if he made one more false allegation then he would never be allowed to live in our home again. It risks my DH's career, my sanity and the security of my children. I told my DH I couldn't live like that anymore either.
Last fall skid filed a report to the court (the deodorant) with his BM and he hasn't been back to the house since. They did share 50/50 custody prior to that. I feel sad for my DH that he had to walk away from his son but I am SO RELIEVED that he's out of the house. I'm torn because I know my DH loves his son, and I never wanted to push him to choose, but I'm glad he made the choice to protect our family and himself. Let's be honest here, I'M FREAKING ELATED... and I feel guilty for feeling so relieved. Okay, I don't feel as guilty as I should for feeling so relieved and I feel guilty for that! It's so complicated.
Our home life is so much better now. Our bank account is about to take a serious hit as child support is being argued over as we speak. BM owes DH over $6,000 for past due medical expenses, but she's suing us for child support without having any of the expenses she owes offset. Yeah, we'll see how that works out in court. We'll probably lose as usual.
I think ultimately its better in the short term for skid to not feel so torn between two parents who despise each other so thoroughly, but in the long term it will be so much worse for him. He's learning how to be a sociopath, to lie and manipulate to get what you want, to go so far as to use the court system to get even with someone. In the long run, this is going to ruin him I'm afraid. I don't think its just because DH disengaged, but its because of what he's being exposed to. With his personality, I'm afraid it was inevitable regardless.
I do admire my DH for still phoning and emailing his son, even though he doesn't come over to our house. Skid never responds and has told him he doesn't want to speak to him. Parental alienation is a tough thing to overcome when you have a kid who feeds in to it. DH feels better that he still recognizes him for birthday/christmas presents and tries to talk to him, regardless of the fact that his son ignores him. That way DH doesn't feel like he quit on his son.
I feel bad for kid. He's obviously miserable. Not well-liked at school, poor hygiene, under performing academically and just weird. Disengaging by my DH probably saved our marriage because I couldn't continue to expose my kids to that environment.
Wow they have emergency
Wow they have emergency hearings for a parent having a kid apply too much deodarant?
No judgement here. Similar
No judgement here. Similar situation. My bf is very very close to disengaging entirely for many many reasons. And then he has moments (like this wknd) where he feels more hopefull and I can tell deep down he would hate to disengage-he prefers for it to work.
I think he's willing to give it some more time...if she gets to teen years and this continues then he will likely walk away entirely. He's dealt w/the guilt of it and the pain of it but he's already somewhat emotionally detached. LOTS of problems w/the BM. The kid has no stability w/the bm and the BM is just plain trash. Introduces her to latest butch girlfriends left and right, w/out even seeing if the relationship will work-the girl witnesses violence, drama, fights, she's switched schools 6-7 times and she's in elementary still...moved around, her moms family doesn't give a crap about her-nor does her BM really. Drops her off w/everyone all the time saying she has to work (BS). NO stability-my bf and his parents have been the only stability she has had for years.
So is my house-she can count on the fact the EOW she will see us together, spend family time and see a loving relationship between her dad and I. BUT there is PAS, and there is extreme jealousy because my boys get to see her dad more often then she does. My boys (and these are my bios not bf and I together) get to have the two of us in parental model in a home together w/stability and she doesn't. My boys have been to the same school their whole lives, lived in the same neighborhood-up until I met the bf I had casual relationships of which the kids never knew of, met, heard of, seen, etc.
THEY have stability, they have pets that don't dissapear two weeks later because mom gives it away (this has happened 5 times that we know of). SO...a part of her is so hurt that she doesn't have that-Sundays are hell because she doesn't get to stay w/us in that stable life. I KNOW she wants to live with us. I KNOW I probably couldn't handle that also. It's hard to seperate the bullying, stress she causes from the hurt kid who's had a f'd up life and mom and is lashing out.
A part of me sees her as everything that is wrong in my bf's life. I see her, think of her and I resent her because she represents all that hinders our relationship and my bf's emotional, physical and financial well being. And I struggle w/that. BUT I also know that this is the package he comes with. I have to either make an effort w/him when he's feeling hopefull about SD....and stand w/him when he disengages and support him through it.
I'm giving it a few more years-I KNOW if her behavior escalates as teen years hit if she continues her behavior w/my boys and I, and the BM continues to reak havoc- he will step away completely.
OH add to that court
OH add to that court dates/money/lawyers/judges...no way in hell...we would disengage before it got to that point I'm sure.
You described the situation
You described the situation between DH and BM involving SD8. DH had custody of SD since she was 2 (BM packed up one day and just left...only coming back once divorce was finalized and DH had moved on with life...) and BM made it her mission in life to make DH's life a living hell. Unfortunately, since I was a part of DH's life that included making MY life hell and also affected my BKs (now 13, 5, and 1 - the latter two also belong to DH). BM has mentally and emotionally tortured SD and twisted her mind beyond repair. DH has tried counseling for SD, but BM did everything she could to deter it. Eventually the "I want to live with my Mom" crap started and SD's behavior became so unbearable (several times attacked my BD physically) that DH felt he had no choice but to give both SD and BM what they wanted - to be "together". Of course it wasn't that simple and was not a quick or easy decision for him to make. He still struggles with it to this very day and feels like he set SD up for a life of failure (BM is pure trash) but he knows ultimately he did what was best for our family and SD since she was miserable in our home. It has taken a lot of time and effort on our part to rebuild our family and we are doing well now. DH had to almost completely disengage from SD because she would NOT behave at our home and was still acting out on my BD (hitting, shoving, punching, kicking, threatening) and after a few months of no physical visits, it seems SD has changed her tone a bit. DH had to do what was best for his family and his marriage and if SD wasn't going to be a productive member of our family unit then she was going to be left out of it. BM is a miserable wench who isn't happy either way - if SD hates us or loves us, she's never happy about it and nothing is ever good enough for BM.
I think at the end of the day, DH had to make a terrible decision and sacrifice to save his marriage and his family. He still has a relationship with his kid (SD) and she is slowly being reintegrated in to our home and will continue to be slowly reintroduced as long as she is a willing participant. It was no longer fair to expect everyone else to continue to be subjected to SD's and BM's horrible antics and it was destroying our family.