Must Read: If a SM gets a child a haircut, should she be met with physical violence?
Even with all that I’ve read on this steptalk board, I realize that I’m very lucky in a lot of ways in my situation. Very lucky. MY SD10’s BM is a bit narcisstic and she has never caused me any drama in my relationship with SD. I am free to love and do things for SD10 as much as I want.
I have a friend, I’ll call her Susie, has 50/50 split custody of her two children Girl 6 and Boy 5. Her Ex had her daughter’s ears peirced about a month ago without consulting Susie. Probably not a good idea. But it happened.
So on Facebook, Susie explains that the Ex and the SM got the children haircuts…..read the reactions from her Facebook Friends (complete with spelling errors).
Susie: I’m trying to grow my daughter’s hair, her dads fiancee took her to get it cut today, my daughter told me on the phone that some of its up to her nose!!! Am I wrong to think this is something I have a say in??? Ive written up a text to fiancee as ex is out of town…Am I right to address her as she took her….thoughts please..
Susie’s Friend 1: She should have consultined you and she needs to know that.
Susie’s Friend 2: Wow, I would be super choked! I don’t think she had any right!
Susie’s Friend 3: Damn right
Susie: Fiancee responded to my text, this was her reply “Bob and I discussed it Susie. The children needed hair cuts and I think Bob is capable of making decisions for his kids. Just when u take them to get hair cuts. Sally has been asking to get her hair cut short for some time now and I think she is old enough to decide if she wants it cut. When she is with us we are teaching her to brush her hair and clip her bangs back herself so she likes the independence of doing it herself. If she decides to grow it longer, its hair…it grows back.
Susie’s Friend 4: Wow!!! Those fuc%ing fiancee feel they need to step in and take over drives me up the effin wall!!! You should have been notified. A trim is one thing but a complete change is another. That was very unfair of them to do. If you don’t have a court order drawn up what you expect you need to get one. Have a cluse in there that if they sneeze 3 times in a row you want to know about it lol.
Susies Friend 5: This is on par with the ear piercing incident. They are bang out of order, just my opnion.
Susie’s Friend 6: OMG Susie, I don’t know what to say! After the ear peircing too! So sorry Hun, sending you a very big virtual huggXXXX
Susies Friend 7: Ty, I have 2 step kids as yo know and I NEVER do anything like hair cuts, doctors visits etc. without running it by their mum first, just out of courtesy, even if their Dad says its okay!! You need to make it clear that this is what she needs to do with you in the future. There will always be conflict otherwise. You are their mum and you have the final say, that’s the way it is for her to be a step parent.
Brightside (me): IMHO as a Stepmom, your issue is with your ex and not her. I prefer the exes to deal directly with eachother and leave me out of it. I do understand your frustration though.
Susies Friend 4: 100% agree with Susie’s Friend 7. Can you tell that to my exes wife lol
Susie: I can’t discuss with him, I have to let her know my feelings as she took them….Besides he’s a bully….. Sounds like she is too
Susie’s Friend 7: Deal with her directly if you can Ty, especially if you don’t have good communication with your ex. Try not to take offence at her actions this time, but make it 100% clear for the future xxx
Susie’s Friend 8: OMG Susie….she has no rights….she is ‘nothing’…..to your children only someone who is with your ex…she has absolutely no rights wat so ever….and love if he is a bully…you need to give it to him straight…yell him anymore of his crap….out ruling you with the kids and youll stop access until he appreciates that you are there main carer.decision maker….and if he can’t do that then it will have to go through the courts !!! Mu ex husband trys it on ….but I put him in his place….and if his financee tried a stunt like this she would be on her ass ….lol xxxx stay strong stand your ground
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And other responses as well…one of which suggested that Susie…”slap the stepmom in the face”….
I honestly didn’t realize just how badly women view Stepmothers, and with such venom and menevolence.
I showed DH the facebook string. The first thing he said is “those women are insecure”. And he’s right. He also said, “I appreciate you. We love you.”
There really is no support for stepmothers outside the “stepmother community”.
Typo: malevolence (rather
Typo: malevolence (rather than menevolence).
"I wish BM's would stop
"I wish BM's would stop assuming that their exH's can't think for themselves and are under the thumb of a woman Evil That may have been how it was in their marriage, but I leave SO to make his own decisions so what he decides is nothing to do with me, although I will happily support his decision "
EXACTLY. I think some BM's are so jealous that their exes have moved on and are now HAPPY that they can't for a second conceive of the fact that maybe, just maybe, their former DH can tell them NO. DH could spit on his ex, and she would perceive it as a kiss.
The FB comments have gotten
The FB comments have gotten much worse since I've posted this.
What I have trouble wrapping my mind around are BM's who are so insecure with themselves that they can't possibly support someone else in their children's lives to care for them.
I reiterate...no one, NO ONE supports the SM. She's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't. If she doesn't have anything to do with the kids and leaves everything to DH and disengages....she's evil and hearless. If she cares for them and has an active role in their lives, the BM is threatened and PAS ensues.
Everything you have said is
Everything you have said is exactly the truth.
Both parents, CP and NCP have
Both parents, CP and NCP have a right to take their kids for a hair cut....if it's good enough for him to PAY money...good enough for him to make some decisions
That said....out of courtesy you would think that if it's going to be a drastic hair cut, both parents could consult the other-or otherwise let them know what's going on.
It comes a point where kids should be allowed to chose what they want for their hair-nomrally around pre-teen years, but that's just my opinion. So what bm, dad, stepmom think is irrelevant lol.
I agree overit...to a point.
I agree overit...to a point. I think Dad is intelligent enough to parent his child while in his care. And Mom is intelligent enough to parent while in her care. Do you consult over EVERYTHING?? Its not practical.
What bothered me most about the subsequent posts was the viciousness of the responses. "SM's are nothing". "You should slap her"....etc. And the posts have gotten worse and worse.
I think the biggest issue here is that the BM is insecure. Its a haircut...not a contraversial innoculation. And I've come to realize most BM's are insecure.
What's interesting to note here as well is that: Ex is out of town and children are in the sole care of the SM. Rather than thank the SM for looking after her children (sure its during Dad's time), but still. Its like saying: "Look SM, you are nothing to my children...I MAKE THE DECISIONS...but go ahead and look after them and care for them...I know you're not responsible for them but BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEM.
SUCH a double standard.
It comes a point where kids
It comes a point where kids should be allowed to chose what they want for their hair-
Exactly. We deal with this with SD. Bm would have a fit if we did anything to sd's hair. Why? Because she wants sd to look just like her. Not kidding. For school pictures she told sd what background to get and what pose. She even wanted her to put mousse in her hair and curl it to look just like her. Sd absolutely hated it. Girls here that are her age all have long, straight hair. She won't let sd wear what earrings she wants either. My dh also notices when both kids need their hair cut. He isn't clueless just because he is a man. She also doesn't consult him about things either.
I have always let my BD12
I have always let my BD12 choose her haircut. It is her hair and i do this because my parents MADE me keep my hair long past my butt until i was 10 yrs old and begged my neighbor to cut it off to my mid back.
My BD's SM always calls or has my BD call if they are going to cut or do something with my BD. And i thank her so much and tell her how much i appreciate it!!! The SM and ExH did get my BD's ears pierced and chopped by BD's hair into a Beattles bowl cut when she was 5. I was so livid - at my Ex - not the SM. I totally understand both sides.
The deal with these BM's are that they want to continue to control and also at the same time are insecure. It does also make the ExH's feel like they can't make any decisions because the BM is breathing down their necks! I try to be a good ExW
I do also know that i was NOT allowed to do anything girlie with SD12 per BM's orders! ie: painting nails, braiding hair, etc ... even though BM didn't do these things with SD12. I know my boundaries and i would NEVER have taken either of the skids for a haircut.
On a side note - i got a picture message from my BD's SM at the end of the summer when my BD12 was at the Ex's house and she had pink hair with a note that said: don't freak out -- it washes out. Haha
I took SDrama to get her hair
I took SDrama to get her hair TRIMMED when she was about 8...with DH's decision and permission to do so. Just cleaned up, no length taken off as per SD's request.
I was met with a threat of getting my "jaw broken" if I ever touched HER child's hair again. Next week, she had cut all her hair off...when she had hair down past her shoulder blades. Skankula did it all herself. Looked like she stuck a bowl on her head and just cut around it.
So yes...violence is threatened over haircuts. And children are the fallout of jealousy.
Just out of curiousity. Why
Just out of curiousity. Why exactly does the mom get final say if Dad said it was okay? I get communication... But how old is the kid? There comes a time where dear BM needs to stop being so obsessive and if that's how the kid wants it, why shouldn't she be able to have the haircut she wants?
Also she should have contacted the ex, blaming them for being a "bully" is no excuse for not communicating with the ex. Doesn't sound like the SM was being a bully, just letting her know what happened and that her husband had backed her...
These people baffle me, that poor SM...
Like I get communicating, which it sounds like neither side is doing virtually at all. But if the kid wanted her haircut, then I don't see the big deal. If the kid's happy with the haircut, it's eventually growing back, so breathe. They're all acting like the dad and DM cut off the kid's foot or something...