Letting the child "decide" where they want to live?
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BM has threatened to move far away from where DH is currently living. He currently has SD 75% of the time and has her enrolled in school here. BM claims that she has talked to SD, who is only 5, about this possible move and claims that it's up to her where she wants to live. Now, I'm pretty sure based on what I've read and stories I've heard that courts do not make decisions based on what a 5 year old thinks is best for them. I know for a fact that SD would say she wants to live with BM. BM has been very inconsistent and SD clings to BM because of it.
Do courts allow kids to have a say, or is it frowned upon to get them involved?
I believe age 12 is when they
I believe age 12 is when they can decide for themselves. At age 5 they don't like getting the kids involved. In my case ss was 6 when we had to go to court with BM and the judge told BM off for telling ss that "moms judge said you will live with me" and that ss knew about court at all
That's what I thought. I know
That's what I thought. I know that my custody agreement with my ex clearly states that you should not discuss these subjects with your kids.
At no age can a child decide
At no age can a child decide where they want to live. Can you imagine if this were really true? The 12 year wants to live with the mom cause mom supplies him with weed? The 13 year old who wants to live with dad because there are no rules? These are not decisions the court allows any age child to make. I have never quite understood why this gets tossed around so much. Around 12 or so is when the court will even listen to a childs wants, but that in no way means the court will do what the child wants. Furthermore, in order to have a custody change, the ncp would have to go to court and file for a custody change-so we are talking custody battle if the cp doesnt agree to it.
A five year old make this sort of decision is ridiculous.
I agree that it's ridiculous.
I agree that it's ridiculous. I figured it wouldn't be possible for BM to stoop that low, but I wouldn't be surprised to hear that it happened to someone here. Things that I thought would never be possible in a courtroom turn out to be possible.
Unfortunately, BM does have custody. BM and DH have joint legal and physical custody. However, since July of 2011 SD has been living with us 75% of the time and going to Kindergarten in our district. BM takes her 3 weekends per month and she gets extra time during holidays. We are waiting until after SD starts 1st grade this fall to file for a custody change, so that it's all spelled out in black and white. We've been advised to wait until we've had her in school here and in our care for as long as possible.
Typically, 12 years old is
Typically, 12 years old is the age where the court allows children to make the decision, if it comes down to it. Obviously it's a case by case basis.
In some states, the age has been lifted and there is no minimum as long as the judge feels that the child is able to make a mature (yes, even at a young age) decision. A good example would be if the parents didn't have a nasty divorce and the court could not come to a judgement in what would be best for the child(ren).
Maybe I should have worded it
Maybe I should have worded it differently. Rather than the child "choosing" which parent, they have the ability to determine the child's "wishes". Meaning, if the child states that they want to go with mom or dad, they have the ability to put in writing their wishes. They can then be interviewed in private chambers and will play a role in how things proceed.
--edit
Just to add, we have gone through this, which is why I even replied to this post at all. I can't speak for any ones individual state laws or case, but these were options given to us by counsel and the court. We ended up not having to go down this route (thank goodness), but it is definitely something that can happen.
In our state, the family code
In our state, the family code law for interviewing a child in private chambers states the age of 12 or older.
I have heard though that this age has been lifted in Sept of 2010.
Also, like I said... just because the child wishes to live with mom or dad doesn't mean that the request will be granted. Any information during the interview will be used in the final outcome.
We didn't go this route because the children were already going through enough as it is. Even though we feel that they are capable of making the right decision, we didn't feel it was something that their young minds should have to be subjected too.
Children do not get to decide
Children do not get to decide where they want to live. Our BM tried doing that same philosophy about SD11 at the time to decide if she would go on vacation with us. We had an emergency hearing just days before the trip. The Judge told BM that it was her job to tell her daughter to go on vacation and there was no choices. The Judge also told her that she could "smell" alienation happening, and if that was the case, BM wasn't going to like what would happen.
Giving the child the "power" to make decisions is a step to alienate a child from another parent.
When my ex and I divorced, my
When my ex and I divorced, my children were 5 and an infant at the time, the judge ordered a law guardian for my children to act in their best interest and be their advocate. In my State, a parent CANNOT move out of state with a child without petitioning the courts first. That was 9 years ago. Recently, my DH had to take his ex to court to keep his 16 year old daughter, she didn't want to leave and her mother kept threatening her to move her out of state. My DH brought a letter my SD wrote to the judge, she wanted no part of it, again a law guardian was used to protect the rights of my SD, based on that and the fact that she has been in a stable environment living with us and going to school here for so many years, they judge saw this was in her best interest as well. My SD never went to court, as a matter of fact, my DH was told not to bring her. Maybe every state and every judge is different. Good Luck.
SD15 "wished" to live with BM
SD15 "wished" to live with BM and begged GAL to let her decide when she wanted to see her BF (which would have been never in order to please her narcissistic BM). This was when SD was 12 - the magical year! We lost for primary custody and since BM/BF relationship is so contentious there was no way to make joint custody work. BUT thank goodness the GAL had enough sense to see some of the PAS issues and told SD15 to suck it up. We have EOW and school free days/breaks and 2 weeks during the summer. I am just counting down the days until she is 18 and do not have to deal with constant arguing over the interpretation of the school calendar and how to count 14 days!!! It is a constant war and never gets any better.
My personal view is that it
My personal view is that it is important to be truthful to children and explain as much as possible (in simple non biased terms) what is actually going on, after all it is their life the adults are playing with.
And it is always helpful to take the childs opinion into consideration. But. Children are also easily persuaded and can be directed into making a choice which is not nessesarily what is best for them.
OR BM might just lie about what the child said they want. Apparently my SKIDS 5 & 8 want to change their names by deedpoll to the mothers maidename (because they know all by themselves what deedpoll is!) AND dont want to talk to a mediator about what they want in terms of visitation. (Mediation isnt normally considered for children below 9 in the uk) But as it is a new / trial concept where they are, they said they might consider it for my SKIDS if they wished to do it. We were hoping the SKIDs would tell the mediators about BM beating them etc, but BM has convinced the SKIDS that they dont want to go.
I would think that in your case it would be in your favour that you already have SD the majority of the time and that she is already enrolled at school where you are? There must have been reasons which still stand as to why SD is with you and not BM in the first place?