Divorce About to Happen Please Help
So I have posted a couple of things on here the last few days so sorry if the background info is repetitive but here it goes...
My husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage we have 1 together. It has been rocky due to his lack of discipline with these kids and their ability to get whatever they want from everyone ( they live with their grandparents). My husband treats his kids way differently than he treats our son and myself. He says that he is not happy because I don't like his kids.
So last night when we got into yet another argument he starts out by telling me " Things are going to change around here." He is saying he is going to get his children more often and go to more sporting events. If I can't handle this I am to leave. Also, if I can not WANT his children to be here I am to leave.
I tried to explain to him that just because he feels guilty about being around our son full time those kids have parents and are doing just fine. They do not view him as a dad so he needs to try and slow down and go to our sons sports as well. I also told him that he can not expect me to want his kids here. They are not mine and they are so irritating.
The best I can offer him is to be kind and not angry when they are here. And I am trying on that it is just so hard. Am I wrong to not fold into his demands for the sake of my son? I know that I need to be happy and I can't be happy with his kids controlling our relationship. Any advice on what to say to him tonight when we make our decision?
You both are a wrong. He's
You both are a wrong. He's wrong for trying to get you to love his kids the way you love your own.
You're wrong for trying to keep him from getting custody of his kids.
The grandparents have raised their children. They shouldn't have to raise their grandkids unless the parents are unable to do so. (do to death,drugs or jail)
Where the heck is the BM?
I didn't read her previous
I didn't read her previous blogs but is she trying to prevent him from having more custody? I read this as more of an issue that he wants her to be happy about having them more, when she clearly isn't but is willing to be civil.
In another post she said he
In another post she said he only sees his kids once a week.
Seconded. If he's not the
Seconded.
If he's not the kind of guy to understand and support you, you will lose. Fake it, but don't do anything more than what's necessary to keep them alive. That's his job.
The mom gave them away when
The mom gave them away when she got custody in the divorce. He has not had the money to get an attorney and the BM and the grandparents don't want him to have them more. I don't think the kids really want to be here more. They enjoy him going to sporting events and like to see him here but only if they are doing whatever they want to do and playing and going places. If they came here and had to watch a movie or stay inside all hell would break loose.
Thanks for all the comments.
Thanks for all the comments. Can you guys be truly happy faking it? I don't know that I can be truly happy in life with this pressure all the time??
No. If it was me, I would
No. If it was me, I would have left. I can't "fake it." I'd "break it" before I "make it."
But if I wanted to stay with my husband for whatever reason, and it's either that or constant fighting, I'd do that.
Sounds like you are not
Sounds like you are not involved in this "decision". Your DH has issued you with an ultimatum, and an unreasonable one at best.
Problem you have is if you accept your DH's demands and control over your life then this will be what you will come to expect, and if he goes through with having his kids more, neglecting your mutual son as a result and disrespecting you, where will that leave you?
I appreciate you dont want your marriage to end but from the things you have said, the way your DH is acting I dont think ONE discussion where HE makes the rules is going to resolve things healthily, where you are ALL happy. Your DH will not compromise, he is not prepared to see anything from your POV, he cannot see the damage he is inflicting with his permissive parenting and inequality towards your DS.
I find many emotional terrorists will attempt to stone wall and place time pressured decisions on their family members, all in the hopes of getting their own way. With little time to consider your approach or what to do, you can come to a rushed conclusion which isnt possibly the best option for you.
My advice to you is to regain some power back in your relationship. Your DH is calling all the shots and wants you to dance to his tune. THAT is not a marriage, its a dictatorship.
Get some legal advice to find out where you stand within your marriage, your marital assets, your rights within and to your home e.g. so if DH plans to just kick you out then does he have the legal right to do so? Information WILL provide an element of confidence in how you approach things.
Are you disengaged from his children? Disengagement doesnt mean you are abusive to his children, it just means that while you are pleasant and ensure their safety alone, you are NOT involved in doing anything for them.
He wants to be with his kids, then he gets to have them with no help from you. Do NOT discuss or argue over this decision. Your DH will make numerous nasty accusations in order to negotitate and terrorise you into submission, if you dont engage, that ploy fails. Walk away, go out. Live your own life and then decide what YOU are prepared to put up with.
Your DH may back down when he sees how resolved you are in distancing yourself from him and his kids with confidence or he will escalate. Again just ignore him. Its hard, but I am sure you can guess the things he will fling at you to hurt yo, so its nothing you have heard before.
Wow. Love this post. I don't
Wow. Love this post.
I don't think butterflies are supposed to happen towards girls...
I know you might not agree
I know you might not agree with parts of this but this is truly how I feel.
He wants his family to be whole and maybe he has realized he needs to start being there more for his older kids, and start disciplining them. Maybe he feels like if he saw them more, he'd feel more able to discipline them.
You definitely need to tell him that you will never love these kids like BS. It just won't happen. But you will be nice to them, and kind, should you decide to stay. But he will be in charge of everything pertaining to them when they're with him.
You may decide to leave. You may decide this is too much for you. I do have to say this: my gut tells me this might be for the best. He needs to try to fix things with his older kids and be there for them. Part of why they act out is because they are hurt. Both of their parents have essentially dumped them. He might really regret not being there for them in the past and he can't change that. But he can and should make an effort to start being there for them from here on out. And he should be active in your BS' life. Maybe he needs parenting classes so he can find a middle ground in parenting. Meaning, he shouldn't be too hard on the kids like he is with BS, but he shouldn't be a wallflower with them either.
Tonight, it might be worthwhile to ask him about attending marriage counseling with you. A neutral person can help you two find a compromise.
For the sake of your child I
For the sake of your child I think you can try disengagement as suggested above along with faking it. When the discucssion starts simply tell him for the sake of all the children you are going to accept the reality of the situation. But... he will have to accept all the responsibility of taking care of his children.
That's the deal. Anytime he complains that you're not putting out an effort towards his kids remind him they are his responsibility. Although you will interfere if they're starting a fire on the living room rug they are not your responsibility otherwise.
Just for the record I am
Just for the record I am loving all the comments but no I am not trying to keep him from seeing his children more I just want to be involved in the decision and not told what I am supposed to do. I think that we need to work on a solid foundation of this relationship before we jump into taking on more children and more stress and more fights. I want him to work with me on that before we move forward with any custody plans.. Which isn't even happening right now.
I think that happens with a
I think that happens with a lot of non custodial parents especially the dads. Their ultimate goal is to have their kids more but once they get it they dont have the slightest idea as to what to do with them, so they just let them run wild, as long as they love him. It's pathetic really,
I agree. My HB is what I call
I agree. My HB is what I call a "disneyland dad" that's where dad's only see their kids for a limited time during the year and when they do see them they don't want to discipline them. They always appear to "want" their children more but when put face to face with their own child on a daily basis they have no idea how to parent. Parenting classes and couples counseling is a good start. But you need to decide what is best for you and your children and how much you want to put up with. If you feel after time your husband will come around then yes you should fake it...but only after a long conversation about what you want out of the situation. Give him time to address the issue. I have given myself 6 months. In that 6 months I am going to try my hardest to "fake" liking my sd and work on my marriage. If after 6 months my HB hasn't shown an improvement then I walk..knowing that I did my best to make the situation better, but it is worth taking the time to fix. Hope this helps..good luck!
I think you hit the nail on
I think you hit the nail on the head here. I think THAT should be your starting point.
"DH, your kids have been through enough turmoil with their mom taking off and being left with grandparents instead of with dad. Although I understand that you want your kids here, I think that if you really put their needs first, you will understand that what is best for your kids is for them to be welcomed into a stable environment. In order to be moved from the home they know, they need to go to somewhere where things will be better for them, not worse. As things are right now, this is causing a lot of stress in our relationship. I think if you and I can work through our issues, get some guidelines set up in our home BEFORE you try to move your kids here, you, our son, your kids and me will all greatly benefit. Are you willing to do the work it takes to work on our relationship, so that our home can be one where you kids will flourish or would you rather jump immediately into getting custody, taking them away from what they already know and bring them into more turmoil? I can only imagine it is hard being away from your kids, but you need to think of what is best for them. Let's take some time to work on our relationship, our home for X amount of time, etc. wether alone or with a therapist, so that we can ensure that when your kids come, they will be in a stable environment that will benefit us all."
And leave it at that. Good luck.
PS - I do believe that if you work on YOUR marriage, if he puts you first, etc...that you will little by little come around and not be so negative about the move...but he MUST put your first, your relationship first, etc. before you can do so.
Its such a shame your DH will
Its such a shame your DH will not see that by working together as a team it will benefit the skids, and it sounds like your skids NEED a stable, sensible, loving parent in their lives.
I agree you need to fix what is broken in order to ensure the environment is not a battle ground when ALL the kids are around and to fix any damage that has been inflicted on your skids by their BM and maternal grandparents (the PAS).
I wish you good luck.
Disengagement? Thats pretty
Disengagement? Thats pretty much what I do now and it is not good enough...because of the skids unfortunate situation he thinks he needs a loving friend from me. If I can't look forward to them being here then I am not providing what I need. I guess the solution is either to fake it and bear this hell or maybe if we separate he will come to the realization he can't control everything.
Thanks again guys!
Disengagement? Thats pretty
Disengagement? Thats pretty much what I do now and it is not good enough...because of the skids unfortunate situation he thinks he needs a loving friend from me
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The point of disengagement is NOT what DH wants, but to get what you want also. Coming to a compromise with respect and ensuring you are not being taken advantage of. Its about illustrating that he cannot have it two ways. Meaning he wants a SM who loves, coddles, supports his children and does many things for the skids like a BM however she gets zero say on the family dynamics, how she is treated and rules within her home (including consequences to shitty behaviour).
Ofcourse he will apply pressure because most of the time it works in some form or another, so he has a winning formula.
I think most people's objective is to have a cohesive blended family that doesnt involve sacrificing their happiness to achieve! I dont see anything unreasonable with that statement. Its really hard when disengagement is not something you aspired to, its a bitter pill to swallow but the point of this and doing it well (including faking sweetness even when you want to scream) is to take the heat off of you, prevent the arguments which are not going anywhere (whats the point of going through the same arguments when the other party is NOT willing to compromise and place YOU as a priority too?) and give you space to consider your options, plan how you wish to proceed.
Its not for everyone, I guess you would call it a management tool, but I do think you need to consider the fact that if YOU don't put your happiness first then DH isnt going to.
As I mentioned a happy secure marriage is a fantastic start in providing a loving, secure home for all the children. Its the foundation of a functional family, when there are cracks it destabilises the entire unit!
I feel for u.were on the same
I feel for u.were on the same boat. Im still looking for answers too but it seems our husbands want a family that functions like an intact one, which is not gonna happen in,stepfamilies.tsk.tsk.if u find the answer,pm me
Just to update everyone that
Just to update everyone that commented..
We had our talk last night and for now this is the agreement.
1. I will treat his kids kindly and caring, while providing discipline and structure like I do my own son.
2. He is responsible for supporting my decisions and helping discipline.
3. He is to work on changing on how he acts towards his children and me and my son. (Being more affectionate and loving to us and less doting to them)
4. If neither of us can do the things required for the other person...We are separating.
I don't know how well this is going to go but thanks to all the comments on here I was not going to fold under his pressure. I did however back off on him wanting me to treat them like they are mine..I am going to fake it and with the help of xanax and vodka I should be ok!
I hope he changes back into the man I feel in love with. I can Fake it long enough to make him that person...I will be happy regardless of if they are here and I will rejoice that my life has returned to normal when they leave! Even though I am still so confused about what is going to happen, and if I am rolling over to a dictator...I think it is worth the shot for my son. I feel content right now and that's a start.
Thanks again to everyone! You guys really help me.