Why the sense of entitlement?
I am 37 and my GF is 40. She has two daughters, 20 and 17. 17 chose to live with her father last year (just to hurt her mother for trying to parent her) and is now miserable. At least once a week she calls or texts her mother to complain about how horrible her life is and create drama. We have now had to decide that we wouldn't talk about it because it just makes me angry.
The biggest problem is 20. She lives on campus but constantly complains how she has no money, no life, etc etc. The biggest problems come when she's home on break. It has now gotten to the point that I can't stand to be in the same room with her. She does nothing but eat, sleep, watch tv, and eat some more. Our water and electric bills go up significantly when she's home (30 minute showers, etc), food bills are outrageous, and she pays nothing. When I bring it up I'm told "she's my child. what am I supposed to do.." She just thinks everything should be handed to her and when someone tries to hold her accountable she gets really snotty and arrogant.
My GF says when I'm not home she helps around the house but I never see it, and I think she is just covering for her. Last summer she did nothing all summer and said she tried to get a job but nobody would hire her. I've put my foot down and said if she doesn't have a job she can't live with us this summer but I'm to the point now I don't want her there at all.
When she was home last I found myself finding reasons to stay at the office late every evening and dreading going home. I would literally get sick to my stomach when I'd walk in and see the table set for dinner because I didn't want to sit at the table with her. I'm not sure what to do because I love my GF but I'm starting to REALLY dislike her children. I'm not sure how to avoid feeling this way and hate looking towards the future and feeling resentment. She has commented that I used to be such a happy person and that is changing. I know it is but not sure how to fix it. How do I tell the woman I love that I can't stand her children? I feel like I should love them because I love her and that causes such a huge internal conflict. I really want to tell her that if 20 moves in after this semester that I'm moving out but can't stand the thought of breaking her heart by having to make that choice. Does anyone have any advice?
I do accept that she needs a
I do accept that she needs a relationship with her children and would never want to take that away from her, but I hate seeing her hurting over their nasty attitudes. She had an unusually close relationship with her mother before she passed away so it's hard for her to understand why she can't have that with her girls...which is why, I think, the situation has gotten to this point. They aren't good people like she is and they have no respect for others.
I'm not sure how to get past this feeling towards them and dreading the thought of them even coming to visit. this morning I was even trying to think of what I could do if they have children that become like them...
Until MOM does anything to
Until MOM does anything to change the situation, the situation won't change. She's letting the 20 yr old sponge off you guys and not contribute just simply because "she's my kid". Sorry, that don't fly with me. The girl gets a job (even a part time one) or she's out.
I feel for you. I can see my SD14 turning into this slovenly, lazy, entitled (oh wait, she already IS this way!!). The difference here is my DH finally realized that just because she's his kid, she doesn't get everything handed to her and she's not allowed to turn our place upside down just because she wants to.
My suggestion to you is this: sit down with the GF and have a nice, long HONEST and open talk about your relationship, your happiness and the way you feel about her children. Don't be accusatory or angry while you speak, just calm and in control. Figure out what it is that WILL make you happy (whether she sets a limit to the time the girl can live with you or she lets her know that she has XX days to get a job or she starts contributing financially to the home or she starts doing chores to help out - whatever it is that you think will make a difference in your feelings toward her). Lay it all out there and let GF know you love her, but frankly, can't continue living this way.
If you aren't able to have this level of communication within your relationship, it likely wouldn't work out anyway. You have to be able to convey your feelings to your significant other. She's allowing her ADULT daughter to ruin your relationship just because "it's my kid"...
First off, Mel...I love the
First off, Mel...I love the comment after your name. That's hilarious...and I've thought the same about myself wondering if I really am an asshole! LOL
back on topic...I have had that talk with her last summer. She made excuses for her all summer until it was too late for her to get a summer job. She has said that she will either have a job before she comes home or else she can't move back in but I'm afraid the same thing will happen. Quite frankly, though, even if she has a job I'm not sure I can deal with her disregard for others and her nasty attitude. I've never had someone that I just cringe at the thought of being in the same room but that's how I've found myself lately.
She raised them to be that
She raised them to be that way. She has no intentions or expectations for them to change. When parents raise their kids thinking they're "keeping them happy", they create unhappy adults. They're entitled because she entitles them. They've learned to be snotty as a way to get people off their back. Your gf isn't going to change and therefore her children are not going to change. The only person who can change your situation is you. So your decision is do you love your gf enough to learn to like the new, unhappy you who hides at work and doesn't want to eat at his own table? Or do you respect yourself enough to move on?
Starters hello and great
Starters hello and great comments above!!!
Your f***ed unless or until you make some changes. "shes my child"...um I hate that line when used improperly. The mother is looking out for her emotions here and that will not help her grown daughters or you both as an equal couple IMHO. The best motivation for anyone in their twenty's, is being on their own. Unless there is a disability or something to that extent. If I had grown kids, they would have a home with me but they would have to keep up with their end of the stick.
My mom once told me that I can do what I want when I am the one paying the bills but until then I do as she says. It pissed me off and I moved out on my own at age 16. I was not willing to follow her rules so I was on my own. I'm grateful that she put her foot down with me, it made me independent in the end.
Perhaps your wife is not ready to let her babies go just yet. How much can you or are you willing to tolerate? Some parents do remain married to their adult kids. I think parents are being selfish when they let their kids of any age run the house. With the younger SD, she should be faced with the decisions that she has made and not have her mom bail her out. I'm guessing that the younger SD moved in with her dad when her mom was parenting but it was SD's decision and to punish the mother. Is your wife guilt ridden by her almost grown kids? If yes, that is a problem that needs to be corrected or it won't get any better.
I was raised much the same
I was raised much the same way and that makes it hard for me. My mom was a single mother and, while maybe not the best parent in the world, did her best. I was taught to respect people and be honest and caring. I was also taught "my house, my rules".
As far as the youngest, you are right. Her mother was always the nice one, protecting them from their nearly abusive father. When they split up and she had to become the one to discipline, they girls couldn't handle it. The youngest rebelled and got into drugs, etc and then chose to live with her father saying "at least she knows what she can and can't do there"...again all in spite of her mother for having to be the disciplinarian. The oldest reacted by becoming snotty, manipulative, and deceptive. She lies so much I never trust anything she says and I have little tolerance for lying.
I've told my GF over and over that she had an unusual relationship with her mother and she can't expect the same with her girls. I've tried to be supportive and tell her that she needs to stand her ground with them but she gets so easily manipulated by them and just shuts down.
SO...just found out today
SO...just found out today after a meeting at the school that the youngest is being abused by her boyfriend that nobody likes and everyone knows is a complete waste but nobody will tell her she's still a minor and stop her from dating him. So now the question is being hinted around about her moving back with us...i think the time for me to stand my ground and walk away is coming very soon. This all sucks!
That does sux. Her mother
That does sux. Her mother will want to "rescue" her ( probably just what the girl had planned) and you will be seen as a selfish jerk if you don't go along with it. I would move out. You will soon be outnumbered and it will only get worse.