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Hubby is hurt because I find other things to do when SD16 is here

Thorn in my heart's picture

Submitted by Thorn in my heart on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 2:06pm

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His daughter (and yes, that is how I talk about her, I don't use her name anymore) comes over every other weekend. I make myself scarce. Totally disengaged. No more....well no more ANYTHING from me.

Two years I've been in the picture. I tried being friendly, made sure the fridge was stocked with the exact things she enjoyed, cooked meals she liked, bought her very nice gifts for birthdays/holidays, etc etc. Took her on trips with us (her father could never afford vacations when he was single, so I thought it would be nice to take her on a vacation with us once, THAT won't happen ever again). Rent movies for her when she's coming over. She never says thank you or please to anyone. And she has no friends to speak of, and I think it's due to the spoiled only child syndrome. Her dad has the whole DISNEY DAD going on, so of course she has no chores or responsibilities when she is here. But he picked up her slack, not me.

My children are 28 and 19. If they had treated anyone the way she treats me, I'd have chewed their asses and it wouldn't have ever happened again. I am invisible to her. She will come over and kiss her dad goodbye (when I'm sitting right beside him), turn around, and walk out of the door and never say a word to me. She always does this. If she sees us at her sporting event, standing side by side, she'll wave and shout HEY DADDY!!!!! Never once, ever, has she acknowledged me. He claims she's just shy. :sick: She's 16.

I got sick of it. I stopped e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. I don't go to her sporting events, I don't greet her, I don't speak to her, I don't buy anything for her, she does not really exist to me anymore. I FREAKING LOVE IT!

Hubby doesn't. He really doesn't get why I stay gone when she's here (Oh My Gosh, I love going to the spa all day). I think it hurts his witty bitty feelings. My question is....What can I say to him so that he gets why I do not want to be here? I've told him I'm much better off being gone when she's here. I think he's taking it personally, that I'm rejecting him. I'm just rejecting feeling like shit in my own home!

hippiegirl's picture

Submitted by hippiegirl on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 5:04pm

I know how you fell and I am happy for you. What a relief, huh? When my ss lived with us, when ever he would come into the living room, I would get up and leave. DH asked me why and I told him "because he annoys the sh!t out of me". You could not sit and watch a movie or show with him around because he would talk nonstop! Dh didn't like my reason, but oh well.

TASHA1983's picture

Submitted by TASHA1983 on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 3:53pm

I couldn't agree MORE with that reasoning!!!

Thankfully my BF is very supportive of the fact that I do not like his kid nor do I want anything to do with him when BF has him. And on top of that, my BF even told me when we get married and live together that he will keep his kid away from me lol....I LOVE THAT MAN!!!! Smile

fedup13's picture

Submitted by fedup13 on Mon, 03/18/2013 - 6:02pm

After almost a year of pure Hell because of BM and skid this is what I told my DH. OP, I have done the same thing you have. I have NOTHING to do with skid and never will again.

B22S22's picture

Submitted by B22S22 on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 2:28pm

"Shy" .... I heard that one too. Good one.

I disengage also. I don't ask, DH doesn't tell (actually, sometimes he does and gets nothing from me). The only time I care to know anything is if will affect me, my home, or my finances directly. Other than that, no thanks.

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 2:32pm

I am pretty disengaged from my SS and totally from my SD16. This is how it has to be. He just needs to accept it. It is better for him, if you are not involved. One day you are going to blow up at her and nothing good will come of it. This is your way of avoiding that. For me, it is playing golf. I love hitting that little ball instead of clocking someone out of frustrtation.

Keep staying away....We have to do what makes us happy.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 2:41pm

I would treat him the same way his daughter treats you. Then maybe he will get how rude it is.

Tuff Noogies's picture

Submitted by Tuff Noogies on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 3:14pm

I'd have a problem with ur dh's attitude... yes i know she's 16 and responsible for her own actions and manners, but... i'm not being mean, but he really should take it personally it's really HIS flaw that he's not requiring his WIFE be treated with civility.

i would tell him in no uncertain terms that nope, i will not be around on skid weekends unless he enforces a certain code of conduct. your boundary is u will not allow yourself to be treated (or not treated, as she ignores you) with such rudeness, and as a result u just remove urself from the situation in an effort to keep things smooth. i would totally let him know that if he wants things to change, it's totally up to him to follow through as the ball is in his court.

Just my opinion Wink good luck!

oldone's picture

Submitted by oldone on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 4:41pm

Tell him that from his daughter's actions it is obvious that you make her very uncomfortable so you are doing everyone a favor by removing yourself from her sphere.

I had a little sister who really was painfully shy - the best thing people could do for her then was just to ignore her.

Or you could spent an hour there one day and be in her face the whole time - surely he would see that doesn't work either.

goincrazy.com's picture

Submitted by goincrazy.com on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 5:02pm

FDH and I have been fighting for about 2 days over some shit sd15 pulled- He just told me on the phone that she knows I don't like her bc I'm never around when she is over and it hurts her feelings......then she turns around and has to have a date with daddy only.......... makes no sense she's bullshits just says anything to make me look bad and criticize me

RedWingsFan's picture

Submitted by RedWingsFan on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 5:09pm

Oh she knows what she's doing. Playing the innocent "oh I'm so hurt because goingcrazy doesn't want to be around me" bullshit to her dad, meanwhile, that's her excuse to have him one-on-one without you! Stepdevil did that too. I took note of every time she was over and I came home, only to watch her promptly remove herself to her room the minute I walked in the door. Then she had the nerve to tell DH that *I* never wanted to be around her? I told DH, Just watch her next time. He did. She got up and retreated to her room, right on cue.

After that, he no longer believed her "woe is me" bullshit. Their one-on-one ALL DAY Saturday daddy/daughter days ended because she kept blowing him off every time he called her. Now, if she does re-enter the picture, you bet your ass I'll be present. Standing in her way the entire time! LOL I'm such a bitch! }:)

Anne Boleyn's picture

Submitted by Anne Boleyn on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 7:42pm

I am going through that right now. I just finally flat out told him this week that I will be gone most of the weekend b/c skids are here and that I'll be back Sunday but not sure of my plans. When he inquired whether I'd do something with them Sunday, I said "I am not so into the family outing thing right now". Well, we discussed it further at counseling session and he still doesn't get it. What does he do tonight? Ask me to pick up his damn kids. I ignored his text. He then invited me to dinner with them. I told him I'd just eaten with my friend. He says "well, come for a beer!". I am thinking, "What part of this don't you get???". I just said "Nope, gotta get home and feed the pets". They are still out. I am home, hidden away, awaiting their loud arrival. And I am GLAD I didn't go, that I'll be gone tomorrow and that I have no intention of ruining my Sunday with some BS family outing where I will feel like crap. The poor guy simply does not understand why I am doing this. Just tired of fighting... tired of feeling like the moon oribiting my own planet.

bi's picture

Submitted by bi on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 8:18pm

fdh told me once when sd was 16 that she doesn't thank me for anything, and only thanks him even for things she KNOWS i did because "she's just used to me being the only one who does anything for her. it's just a habit." at this point, i had been doing things for this ungrateful bitch for 4 years! i said "at 16, shouldn't it be habit to thank ANYONE who does something for you????" lame ass, piss poor excuses these dumb ass fathers come up with.

so, did sd notice when you stopped doing everything? did she react at all? mine sure noticed. nothing i did was ever right, enough, or good, but when i stopped she sure as hell noticed. i don't remember exactly what she said, because i try to tune her irritating voice out, but it was a few years ago at Christmas when my kids got stockings and she didn't. she made some smart ass remark to make sure i knew she noticed i didn't make her one. well darling, daddy gets the credit for everything, right? so why the hell doesn't he get the credit for forgetting you, too? oh yeah. because all that is good and right is his doing, and all that is horrible and evil is my doing. (eye roll)

Thorn in my heart's picture

Submitted by Thorn in my heart on Tue, 03/19/2013 - 6:16am

Sea -- I wish she'd stay in her room. She just sits on the couch, all day, the whole weekend, watching tv. I've never seen a person do that. I guess all the other teens I ever knew were always out doing something, not sitting in front of the tv all weekend. What kind of life is that?

Last time she was here, according to her, from Friday until Sunday, she watched 9 movies. :sick:

Jellybeam's picture

Submitted by Jellybeam on Mon, 03/18/2013 - 11:40pm

I understand. I have the EXACT SAME SD as you, except she is 11. Entitled, rules don't apply to her, her chores are optional, she's lazy, bossy, STINKY, critical, negative, smart-mouthed, she lies, is a master manipulator. There isn't a single thing I like about her. I tried to bond with her in the beginning,(she was 6 then) but she just took advantage of any kindness I showed her and then shat on me. She's way worse now!!!!!!! To complicate matters, I have a BD12 who is with me almost all the time. I have disengaged as much as possible from SD.
It's pretty obvious to DH that I happen to have other things to do when SD is here on the weekends that my BD is not. It's obvious that I will instruct my daughter to do something and not say jack shit to SD, even though in a healthy family, the kids would be held to the same standard. Obvious that I take my BD skating and horse back riding, out to the mall, out to dinner when SD is not with us, but I don't do those things with SD because I can't stand her smart mouth or her scent, or her know-it-all attitude, and I got tired of after the Theater or a trip to the mall, she goes RIGHT BACK to being the little bitch she is.
My husband hasn't asked me WHY I don't do those things with his daughter or give her instruction, etc. and I don't know what I am going to say if he did.
I had a boyfriend once who never had kids, didn't seem to like or understand my daughter. I IS offensive. He didn't last long. Being a SM is no picnic.

Thorn in my heart's picture

Submitted by Thorn in my heart on Tue, 03/19/2013 - 6:12am

We've had conversation after conversation, fight after fight, about her. I've asked for simple basic courtesy. Say Hello or Goodbye, goodnight. Thank you for dinner, it was good. I actually had hoped in the beginning to have a good fun relationship with her. I love kids, I always had the house in the neighborhood every kid was at, and I loved it. I was strict, but the kids were comfortable at my house, they knew what was expected, no surprises.

With just a little backup from him, we might have a totally different home life now. But that's not happening ever. I'm done. And I feel better than I have in a long long time. I don't care what happens to her, what she does or doesn't do. The one thing that is bothering me is that I see the hurt in his eyes that I no longer comment or ask anything about her. He tells me...."(Person who's name I no longer speak) is home from school sick today." I say nothing. He talks about her sports, I say nothing. I ask nothing. I truly never wanted it to be this way, but that wall I was knocking my head against won.

Disengaged. Should have done it a long time ago! Dirol