I feel bad this pisses me off....HELP!!!
My boyfriend recently regained custody of his 9 year old son. The BM finally allowed him to live with him again after realizing she was handicapping her son by babying him too much. He is literally at the maturity of a 5 year old and is sometimes "unable" to do things on his own. He recently began making his own sandwiches, pouring his own juice, and attempting to make up his bed. He seems to constantly pee in the bed which annoys me because I am the one cleaning the covers and sheets all the time and frankly I think he is way too old to be peeing in the bed anyway. On top of that he occasionally sleeps in the bed with us which I do not like. I come home from work with him in the bed on my side and it annoys me. I just end up sleeping on the couch. If I do sleep in the bed then I am kicked and hit throughout the night or sleeping on the edge of the bed. I know he loves his dad and vice versa and part of me feels like, ok they are bonding again but seriously????? He needs to sleep in his own bed and in his own room. And yes he has urinated in our bed as well. Am I wrong for being so pissed and annoyed by this? What can I do? How do I discuss this with him??? Help!!! Please!!!
I would suggest you start by
I would suggest you start by getting one of the excellent range of "Supernanny" books on parenting by Jo Frost. I would send you the link on Amazon, but I am in the UK, so you want the US version I expect. You (but more especially your BF) need to be firm and consistent with this boy. Make him stay in his own bed, but if he wets it, change it without nagging him, but next day, get him to help you load the washing in the washer and drier, and help you remake the bed. Use a waterproof sheet underlay until he is reliably dry, to protect the mattress.
If he comes and tries to get in your bed, take him gently but firmly and put him back in his own bed. Don't give in after he comes back several times, this is the worst thing you can do.
Your BF may think he is being kind by letting his son sleep with him and not tackling issues - he is not. What this boy needs more than anything is firm boundaries, so he knows where he is with you and BF.
I agree with kes, but I will
I agree with kes, but I will add, you can also buy protective covers for your doona as well, that at least means you only have to wash the quilt cover and not the doona/quilt itself.
As far as being to old to wet the bed, I was 12, my brother 14. But you should take him to a GP just for a check up. Other than that, I think kes has given you some good advice.
agree 100% with tog
agree 100% with tog
Agree. I'd stop that today.
Agree. I'd stop that today. Make his dad do it.
I have to agree. The whole
I have to agree. The whole time I was reading, the question running through my head is "Why isn't the dad doing it?" I have to say I've been in the same position you are (not the peeing in bed part, but they parenting part), where you are trying to help out. The dads will let us, it's easier for them. I was the one pushing his daughter to do chores, homework, helping out around the house, manners, you name it. When I would bring up something he needed to implement, it was "you should talk to her about that." Uh...isn't she YOUR child? I know I didn't sleep with that crazy BM! It took about 6 months for me to start having problems of my own because of the stress. I was parenting a child who wasn't mine and who I really didn't have control over. Anytime my SO wouldn't like what i was doing, he'd undermine me. F THAT! I started working on dis-engaging.
Now i share my opinion with him, if he doesn't want to do it. Fine. I don't HAVE to live with her, I have to CHOSE to live with her.
^^^^^^ THIS! Don't do dad's
^^^^^^ THIS! Don't do dad's job for him! It's a slippery slope for SMs and it starts with one "Fine, i'll change the urine infested sheets today" and turns into life long servitude! Don't be the doormat! Stand up for yourself when something doesn't seem fair and you're not happy!
My SS16 used to lay on my
My SS16 used to lay on my side of the bed, not at night, but during the day to hang with his dad. If you don't put your foot down now your SS will turn out like mine. If dad wants to let him sleep with dad, dad can go into SS' bedroom.
I've had to get militant on my SO and SS16 and now, SS is not even allowed in our bedroom. I had to put my foot down and I let SO know how creepy it was for SS to be in my bedroom.
No way should you tolerate this from your SO. This would be a deal breaker for me. Also I would let him know what a huge turnoff it is. And that I couldn't be intimate until SS was banned from the bedroom. Nine is too old regardless how emotionally crippled he his. Trust me, it won't change unless you set limits. Your SO obviously is not setting appropriate boundaries.
Wow, thank you all so much
Wow, thank you all so much for all the helpful and honest comments. I really really appreciate it. He doesn't have a medical problem, just lazy. And I have made him wash his sheets in the past and showed him how to do it but its like it has no effect on him. I'm going to tell the dad we need to talk. And tell him I am not comfortable with his 9 year old son sleeping in our bed, period and go from there.the covers and things from when he went on our bed are still on top of the washing machine. I'm not going to wash them, they can stay there at this point. I'm so happy I found this forum, I wish I found it sooner!! Part of me wants to pull away frothe level of responsibility I have with his child, but I feel that would be wrong. I need him to take a more active role in being the father to his kid and spending time with him and doing things with him than me doing it all the time. Like the kid is really close with me, I feel almost closer than his dad. Idk. This sucks...I guess it's hard sting with kids but this is stressing me out. Anyone have any coping tactics to deal with the stress of being an assumed parent without all the parenting tools and with no kids of your own?
Your boyfriend essentially
Your boyfriend essentially made you into the live-in nanny that he gets to boink. He doesn't have to do anything except take him out for ice cream if you're the one doing the "dirty" work like cleaning piss sheets. There's going to be a lot of resentment on your part if this keeps up and daddy is seen as the fun, loving parent, while you're the reinforcer/maid. If after this talk your boyfriend goes back to being lazy and letting the kid sleep in your bed, etc, there's what you'll be in for for 11 years minimum and shows you just how much he regards your feelings.
And as far as bed wetting, at nine years old it isn't unusual for a boy to be wetting the bed now and then. Their bladders aren't as strong even at that age and accidents happen.
I'm SO afraid of this
I'm SO afraid of this happening to me and I don't even live with my s/o. Luckily my FSD (3) is pretty much potty trained (thanks to me) but she still sleeps with her dad. She has her own bed but he only makes her sleep in it if I'm around and in the room with them. Which I feel is a breeding ground for resentment. He's very wishy-washy. She NEVER takes naps in her own bed unless I'm in the room and at night she lays in his bed while he reads to her and he'll put her in her own bed after she falls asleep or if he puts her in her own bed he'll let her back in his own if she whines long enough (she knows whining works). I recognize what a problem this is/will be when we move in together but he doesn't seem to understand that this is something he has to stop doing NOW because otherwise it's never going to stop. I told him this is a deal breaker and I do not want to have to be dealing with this if we're under the same roof. I don't know what to do other than telling him and I've already done that. Maybe I should show him all the stories on here about Skids who still sleep with their parents. So that he can see that it is a REAL possibility not just some fleeting fear of mine.
If he does it when you are
If he does it when you are there, he needs to do it when you are not there. Otherwise she will start to blame YOU for the reason she can't sleep with daddy. My SO and I have this problem too. He will allow SD12 to do things when I am not there, like go in his bedroom, eat how she wants, watch TV during dinner. When I'm there, he wants to change all that. I had to start asking, do you do this when I'm not here? He's finally clued in somewhat. More consistent. She's not allowed in the bedroom at all anymore at least.
Don't leave your bed! Let
Don't leave your bed! Let your BF know that you are unable to get a good night's sleep when he sleeps with you and that you need for him to sleep in his own bed. As someone else mentioned before... If dad wants to be able to sleep with the boy he can do so in the boy's bed.
When I moved in with SO and SD6 she had been sleeping with him on frequent occasions. It was difficult but he was able to let her know that now she has to sleep in her own bed. She will sometimes come and snuggle to watch TV in bed but that's it. I travel a bit for work so when I'm away is when she gets the treat of sleeping with Daddy. But it's an occasional treat.
SD10 sleeps in our bed, DH
SD10 sleeps in our bed, DH lets it happen all the time. I HATE HATE HATE it. I feel it is so inappropriate and that he has severe boundary issues. I'm married but I live in a state where it's super easy to get divorced at short notice. I researched this as soon as DH brought me to the ring store. Otherwise I'd have never married him.
When you come home from work
When you come home from work to find your SO and SS in your bed then you wake your SO up and have him move his spawn. As for the wetting of HIS bed at 9yo ... get a wet pad alarm that screams in the kids ear if he pisses his bed. At 9yo he is old enough to sleep in his wet bed or clean the sheets himself.
If there is nothing medically wrong with the kid then it is a behavioral issue and the only way to deal with it IMHO is to hold him accountable for resolving the bed wetting problem. And until SS does deal with it I would have your SO deal with cleaning up the mess.
When my SS had a relapse in bed wetting at ~8yo I put him in a diaper. No pants, just a T-shirt and a diaper. If he wanted to act like a baby he could be treated as a baby. He did not leave the house for an entire weekend and when Monday AM rolled around and I did not let him dress in clothes for school but handed him a diaper. He handed the diaper back to me then told me that he did not need the diaper. I let him dress for school that morning but told him if he so much as had a drop in his bed ever again he would be in a diaper every day until I was sure it would never happen again. It never happened again.
When there is no medical reason for the wetting, coddling does nothing but reinforce the unacceptable behavior. Don't coddle and don't let your SO coddle the 9yo either.
All IMHO of course.
I love the comment about
I love the comment about being the "fun" parent if the DH is parenting. I so wish I had read that before I started this journey.
But I write on here because there is an issue of children before the age of 11 who fall so deep asleep that they can't wake up enough to realize they have to go to the bathroom. My son (bio) had this issue and we had him tested and cut off fluids at 6:30pm, I would set an alarm for 4 hours after he went to bed to wake him up to go and he'd not have to go but would have wet the bed in the morning. We went to 2 different doctors and it wasn't lazy. We used the pull-ups to save bedding and embarrassment. If he went to sleepovers he brought his own sleeping bag and the pull ups were in the bottom of the bag.
I was the same way as a child so maybe part of it is genetic. But thought the "night time" helpers (as we called them ) might help.