Is it just more words or do I believe it?
I told my boyfriend last night I was moving out. That he has had so many opportunities to show me he wants me there, not just needs me. If he really loved me like he said then he had multiple opportunities to marry me.
I told him I was done, this was not a "treat me better or else" conversation, this was an " I'm moving out" conversation. I don't know to where, or when, but it was happening.
I Fell asleep crying while he tried to hold me...
Got this text on my way to work this morning:
Your right...I have been standing along the sidelines with everything..... and is my fault ... my word was all I had... my actions have been unacceptable to the people I love.... I've had one huge failure in life with my marriage....but losing you would over shadow ever thing else.... you have always been there for me while you been alone... no more words all I can do is action do the speaking for me....I love you now I have to show it im done saying it only
This one just came in too: I
This one just came in too:
I been scared of failing with you... I've been working on it im over that stupid problem.... realized that we won't let us fail.... I love you always...I won't text you anymore today I'll talk to you tonight
Just because he doesn't want
Just because he doesn't want you to leave, doesn't mean he wants to marry you.
He may go so far as to marry you. He will only be doing it because he feels he had to, not because he wants to.
My thoughts are that I really
My thoughts are that I really don't want to leave. I love him.
But as Disneyfan said, just because he doesn't want me to leave doesn't mean he wants to marry me.
I know he is scared of failure, especially since his divorce was so "public" by BM cheating on him with such a well known public figure...
But I've had conversations before with him. One two weeks ago I posted about.
He said Aug 2nd he was going to propose, I get home from work and he comes up to me and says his 12 year old was moody so he stopped "preparing" for or "Setting up" the engagement to go on a one on one walk with her and he said "I knew you would understand" So,... as little as two weeks ago I confronted him about this too, THEN I said, "DO you realize that today you were planning yours and my future and you let the rest of our lives fly out the window because your 12 year old got MOODY??!!"
In the last two weeks he has been more physically affectionate and has done the dishes a few times, but when two nights ago he brought home his 16 month old neice to spend the night without asking me, then left to go for a walk with the kids leaving me to watch her, then woke me up early to watch her so he could shower!...
I told him last night that if I brought up every little thing it would make me look like a petty bitch, but it's all the little things which are pointing to the BIG PROBLEM,... that he talks a lot of talk, but never actually shows me that he thinking about me, or shows me that he cares...
I told him, if I got pissed and wanted to burn all of our romantic memories from the last 3 and a half-almost four-years I would have ONE DAMNED CARD TO BURN!!
Never any flowers bought, or chocolates, or stuffed animals or any other trinkets, or even any lingerie!!! WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A PICTURE OF US TOGETHER AFTER ALMOST FOUR YEARS OF DATING AND ALMOST A YEAR LIVING TOGETHER!!!!
He has his kids school pictures in his wallet, but no pictures of me,... We went to FLorida on vacation two summers ago, looking back through the pictures-NONE of me! I held the camera most of the time, only a few times did the kids take it and took pictures of rocks and crap, but never once of me.
A proposal should be
A proposal should be something planned, but not something announced prior to the actual proposal. I really think you need to think about this relationship. It doesn't sound healthy for *you*.
When you're scared of failing
When you're scared of failing at something,you work at it Hard. You don't neglect it and let it wander and procrastinate. You're scared of failing at work and getting fired or not getting that promotion? You bust your butt to Show them that you're a great employee. You're worried about failing a class? You study, Hard. You seek out tutors, or other student to study with,you make sure you get the teacher to explain out of class anything you're unclear on.
So the whole I was scared of us failing line to me is total and utter BS. He wasn't scared of failing. He didn't do Anything to show you he was serious, he strung you along. That's not being afraid of failure, that's being too lazy and too secure to put in any real effort. Its Showing you that the relationship simply wasn't important enough for him to do any real work.
He also says in the first text "no more words" but then continues to text you. He's trying to make you feel sorry for him. It's funny he's now over this "stupid problem" when you finally say that's it, I'm done. A guy that really loves you and wants to be with you doesn't wait to fix shit until you're halfway out the door.
So I agree with Disney. I think this could sort of be more than words, but I think whatever you get out of him at this point is not anything he really wants to give. It's going to be all about placating you because having you around is convenient for him. I think he's still essentially stringing you along. The guy's had Years to live up to his word. He can't be trusted in my book.
^^^ I completely agree with
^^^ I completely agree with this. You have given more than enough - I would start your exit plan and put it into actions, if you don't it will just lead to more hard times for you.
i agree also, the only thing
i agree also, the only thing i don't is: "A guy that really loves you and wants to be with you doesn't wait to fix shit until you're halfway out the door." i think alot men tend to be lazy and only do what they are forced to do. this has been the case in most of my relationships. never allow a man to become too comfortable in the first place. great advice, but it's soooo hard for women to do. we give, expecting it's going to be reciprocated and become upset and feel unloved when it's not. women give to each other all the time and it's our nature to give back. men are the opposite. when we give to a man, he feels he's done a good job, no futher effort needed. we need to train ourselves to only give to men AFTER they've done the work. and we need to give in the form of appreciation, not by doing for them. men show their love by doing things for you, like washing the car, taking the trash out, etc... but when they are being rewarded before actually doing it, there's no incentive and take us for granted. i would continue with my plans on moving out. let him see you doing it. and you won't be faking. it will take a hurculean effort from him to change your mind, and it's his JOB to do this. don't allow one or two little things keep you from leaving. his little doing dishes was totally undermined by taking the walks and expecting you to babysit a kid you had no say in having over. he knows what it takes to win a woman over, and if not we need to teach them. ask for what you need. we all make the mistake of not teaching a man how to treat us beginning with the dating process. a man values what he works for. make him work. it's never too late to renegotiate the terms of the relationship. if he doesn't step up and move mountains, you'll know that he's decided he can live without you.
Five little words: Actions
Five little words: Actions speak louder than words.
I would send him back this
I would send him back this text: Life sucks; get yourself a helmet.
He has his chances to make things right and life's too short to put up with abuse. Move on with your own life and be happy. Your happiness in life is the best revenge...
When are you planning on
When are you planning on leaving? How long will it take?
Here is what I did (am doing)- I put my deposit down, I got volunteers to help, I set everything up like I was going to go. DH make the promises but I didn't believe him. He started doing things- getting much better. I decided to ride it out for a while. My deposit is still at the apartment complex that I was moving me and my kids to, we just hang out on the top of the 3 bd rm wait list until the next opens up and then the one after that and so on. I have an out set up and ready, but I am giving him the chance to prove it with actions.
I know this is a one foot in, one foot out thing but its all I can do. Maybe in 6 months I will pick up that deposit and be all in, but for now, at least I have a plan and people I know that will help me if I need it.
I dated a man when we were
I dated a man when we were both going to school and didn't have any money. He never wanted to do anything and berated me constantly for wanting to date a guy "with money" that could take me places. There were so many things like walking in the park that were totally free.
When we got our degrees we both got great paying jobs. Guess what - he still didn't want to do anything. I broke our engagement.
UPDATE: He just sent me
UPDATE: He just sent me flowers with a note saying "Love (his name). P.S. This will be a more common occurrence"
Flowers? Big deal. My husband
Flowers? Big deal.
My husband told me when we first started dating that he would never send me flowers after a fight or as an apology. Easy way out.
I have never gotten flowers
I have never gotten flowers from him EVER I always joked with him and his friends that the day I got flowers would be the day I moved out-
Your joke was almost right on
Your joke was almost right on the money, huh?
He came home a while ago and
He came home a while ago and I reminded him I said that,... and he didn't remember I said that.
He apologized for about an hour and asked if we could go to counseling,... I told him I would think about it.
good signs. take him up on
good signs. take him up on it.
I hate guilt gifts. Wouldn't
I hate guilt gifts. Wouldn't it be nice to get flowers "just because?" If he wants to make up with you, he can apologize out loud and mean it. Then he needs to SHOW you what you need to see to prove he is sincere.
Exactly. My husband has sent
Exactly. My husband has sent me plenty of flowers over the years but not in place of an apology or just so I won't be mad at him. It's kind of insulting for him to think that's all it takes.
theoutsider, Hey, I also told
theoutsider, Hey, I also told my SO last night that I want to leave! Fun stuff .
I fell for the argument trap and told him just about everything I hated about living in his house. He was like, "Well, why didn't you tell me, I would have accommodated you on just about everything you're bringing up right now." I didn't buy it, I told him, so now that you know I'm leaving, you're telling me you'll make all these changes, you would have let me completely redecorate the living room, gotten rid of the ugly furniture and paintings, put the rocking donkey that he and his late wife bought together, away in his office, riiiight.
I know you love this man, but I'm not getting anything from your post that shows he loves and respects you. He just seems to be hoovering, or trying to suck you back in with love bombing.
I can't believe he lead you to believe he was going to propose, and then made up some sorry excuse to cancel it. That's terrible. I think he's stringing you along. My ex-bf (not SO) did this to me. One day he said he was looking at rings, humming here comes the bride while dancing with me in the living room, and then a few months later he was telling me he didn't see us getting married. A little over a year after we broke up, he married another woman.
But take my post with a grain of salt, I'm not in a good place right now. I'm sad that things aren't working out with me and SO, very sad. But I haven't changed my mind about leaving. But it will be very hard to leave, especially to leave his adorable dog, who I do love. lol.
Trust your instincts.
Move out. Do not move back in
Move out. Do not move back in until after you marry. If he's serious he should be okay as long as he doesn't lose you. Being engaged n living separately really shouldn't be an issue.