Advice Please
Hey everyone. I know that this a forum for step-parents which I am one to a 5yr old SS. However I am also a Stepdaughter. This post is more of me wanting opinions from those dealing with adults as a stepdaughter.
I have been estranged from my father for the past 2-3 years. I have still had some communication through my step-mom especially as my dad had a pending court case against him with possible felony charges. We had a decent conversation in May for about 20 minutes step-mom present but it just seemed awkward and I know he does not approve of DH and I.
However, on Friday I found out that my dad was having health issues coughing through my grandmother. I have texted my step-mom several times to get updates and have told her "tell him I love him" as though we are estranged and it has always been up in the air if he has his own phone at this point due to him breaking them/financial issues I still want him to know I care. This evening after me having to ask several times I found out he was admitted into the hospital with a "compromised lung" and is in evaluation for the night and should see a specialist this morning.
My issue is even with me telling my step-mom to communicate my love...I received a call from my mother tonight informing me that my dad called her asking both my brother and myself to contact him...as you can imagine I am skeptical, she said he states he has tried to call but I have received no calls, no number change and am clearly communicating with his wife showing my phone works. After talking to her I text the number she said my dad called from which she had down as his personal phone and have got no response, and I feel that can be expected as being in the hospital is exhausting and he needs to focus on my health.
I guess my question is do those who deal with adult step-kids think I am wrong for being a tad irritated that it seems as though she may not be communicating my love? I feel like in this situation maybe you would want to be open with the children/husband about what is being said.
Also, I am irritated I am having to request information? I would suspect if DH was in the hospital I would do my best to keep SS informed.
As stated I am a step-mom to a 5yr old so I don't know what it is like to deal with adults...and would like some insight on how I feel about the situations and maybe get some insight of reasons of why she may be dealing with this with me having to feel like I am pushing for information.
My step-mom and I have always communicated despite mine and my father's concerns. I know it has to be awkward but all my communications have been asking about their well being and what is going on, I don't expect her to be involved in the drama as it started waaaay before they got married.
Couldn't have said it better
Couldn't have said it better if I tried! Amen to all of it!
I dealt with the "never"
I dealt with the "never" thing with my grandfather. I had text him to tell him I didn't think I could make a weekend at his house instead of calling only to find out he probably never got the message as he had fallen asleep and died in his sleep a few hours later.
I guess I just rely on her being a excuse. I hate the rift and you are right it isn't her issue. I guess I have been using it as an escape. I really appreciate the honestly as I needed to see it and all the people I talk to in my family are obviously going to blind me and simply comfort me.
I have text my father on the phone that he called my mother from. So, hopefully he will respond though I know being in a hospital service may not be the best, and he is probably exhausted.
I have also talked to my best-friend and decided I will at least try to see what is going on to make sure he isn't in test and will see what is going on and his condition and may go see him as it is within like 45miles of my work. I just don't want to go have to sit in the environment if he is going to be doing testing all day. I mean it is close to my work but honestly the drive would be worth it even from our house (I live 70miles from work)
I am also contemplating seeing how the test go, and maybe seeing if my grandmother will go visit him with me or something as I honestly do not do well in hospitals and my emotions are already heightened because of other stuff - I want to reconnect in some way but I am scared to do it by myself.
Echo thank you so much for
Echo thank you so much for your words! I really can say that Steptalk is helping my life on so many different levels even if it's realizing I was one of the kids putting the step-parent in the middle.
After talking to my friend my plan is to see if he text me back, and then in the morning continue text for updates - I know that it is not her responsibility but she really has been good to give me information if I do actually ask.
Depending on how she feels the schedule for the day is I will try to get the room number and call to see if I can visit...at the very least I will try to make a call to at least vocally say I love him so that I have some peace, depending on my strength and the situation. If I decide not to go I will continue to get updates from my step-mom and see if someone else in the family is going to visit, as I feel like part of my fear is 1. I am not good in hospitals 2. I don't need to put anyone in the middle but I don't feel like with other issues going on I am strong enough to face him especially in this condition on my own, I need some type of comfort (some of which I am happy to feel I am getting here) and I have realized from your previous post the last person I should be trying to rely on is my stepmom, I have already put her in the middle to comfort enough and this is also her husband I'm sure she has many worries about the situation as well.
I am so thankful for the forums. I think I got more sound advice on this here as it is a outsider view it isn't trying to just comfort me to make me feel better, it is a reality comfort.
I am sure I will have more updates tomorrow.
Word for word what Echo said.
Word for word what Echo said.
Eloquently stated Echo; you
Eloquently stated Echo; you couldn't be more right. You have given valuable advice.
Update #1: Apparently my
Update #1:
Apparently my father checked himself out of the hospital last night and my grandmother asked my stepmom responded "I cannot discuss that he is my husband I must respect his wishes" as much as it sucks...I feel like being a step-mom I have a lot more appreciation for that statement.
He called me this morning and told me that he loved me, I think the fact HE called shows the severity of the situation. We did talk for a few minutes and he expressed his love and that he feels bad for his short-comings and would like to see his kids. It made me feel good though to a point I couldn't understand part of what he was saying as his voice is very raspy and simply depressing to hear which triggered my emotions making it harder for me to listen. I am truly concerned about him but it was good to hear his voice.
I have talked to my aunt who is also my god-mother and we are going to lunch today for a positive reinforcement as she has not only known my dad for her whole life but has seen our struggles and knows the situation. We have also discussed she would be willing to go with me to see him at whatever point I would like to, my main stipulation is he needs to be in a hospital as much as my heart aches I need to see him to get help and even if it takes the ultimatum because apparently my step-mom had no issue with him being home for a little while (she was asleep at the house when I called and woke her up to try to talk to her about the situation). My heart truly aches but I feel the baby steps are coming along I just want the best for him because at the end of the day he is my dad, and even my stepdad would be pushing for me to do something at this point if I called him.
He actually left the hospital
He actually left the hospital this morning because he got mad at them. He is suppose to be going to a better hospital this afternoon according to my stepmom however I am confused in her not pushing him to go seeing as it seems to be a serious situation.
I will not see him his home for several reasons 1. It is a toxic environment considering his past substance abuse and I want to ensure that he is only getting medications he is administered by a professional rather than simply being high - my father is a veterinarian and so therefore having the ability to self medicated and be high without other consultants...something my mother sent him to rehab for when they were married in order to save his license as his 'dream' was to be a vet. 2. Last time I was there I felt pretty trapped as when I tried to walk I didn't realize my stepmother had locked the door making me feel like I had lost control and could not leave. These are the two main reasons I do not want to visit his residence and would prefer to know that he is at a common place and seeking the help that he needs for his health.
I do not who locked the door.
I do not who locked the door.
Yes I criticize my stepmom
Yes I criticize my stepmom but not once have I said that I hated her I simply do not agree with everything. She is good to my father and as I said above I now see my wrong in putting her in situation and some of my personal opinions.
I have been estranged for around 2.5 yrs. We did have a meeting in May but it turned out to be nothing but him attacking me so I walked out of the situation...after this I did still communicate with my step-mom was doing that and putting her in the middle right? No, but at the time I did not see that. As I've stated I have a SS5 I have never had to think about the situation she is in, or dealing with an adult stepchild. I'm not trying to say what I have put her through is correct. I had also still sent Christmas cards, and a birthday card to him the past two years. Part of the estrangement was him not wanting to talk to me because of the way I was living my life and him not agreeing. I have made efforts like I said the most recent was in May and I walked out because it just got way to toxic, it's not like I ignored his calls and pushed him away - he pushed me away first and every time I have tried to speak since then it was more than toxic. I am planning to go see him and I'm sure it will be toxic but the fact that when I spoke with him yesterday he asked to see me, and he is ill makes me feel like I need to at least go and even if I walk out I tried - I'm not wanting a reconciliation I'm wanting the peace for myself that if he does pass I did say goodbye and at least go see him.
Yes. I am talking to my aunt because she is also my godmother and is the last one who got to see my dad face to face when he walked out of her house for trying to get him help as she saw him slipping back into the substance abuse. I am also talking to her so that I have the support if it does get toxic and I am not putting my stepmom in the middle anymore as she needs to focus on it being her husband not dealing with my feelings on the matter. I honestly feel bad that I now see how much I put her in the middle but when dealing with my situation only part of which has been posted as this stems back to way back when I was a child not just an adult I need the support I have been to Al-Anon and counseling because of my father I have always yearned for him to want to accept me and try to be nice during the situation.
I do not know who locked the door I am assuming it was her. I'm not saying she tried to kidnap me but it seemed odd they'd been married several years and I had NEVER seen the door locked.
As stated above it was almost a mutual estrangement he was pushing me away first because I defended when I first got with DH, and decided to go a completely different career path and live differently than what he wanted. I walked away and he then did not return my calls a few days later as I wanted to apologize as both of us had said some not nice things and I was ignored. He wanted to talk several times since then all that I've embraced but have been toxic, and if it is not on his timing he would ignore my calls I didn't simply just walk away. Many of these times he had slipped back into substance abuse. I have struggled with this whole situation hence me at least wanting to go now to see him no matter if I have to walk out of the room again.
Again, I feel bad for what I have put my stepmom through I do and though I have posted on here not once have I tried to tell her what she is doing is wrong, yes I am going to disagree with it but your right she is his wife and stuck through it with him when no one thought she would so I would not actually tell her I disagree with what she is doing but I can have an opinion to myself.
I do not think things will
I do not think things will change as he has been through a roller coaster of changing before - my dad deals with several addictions and sober he is wonderful but other than that it doesn't change which is something I have had to learn.
beaccountable to address your concerns. 1. Charges have now been resolved and he is on probation for a different charge. He was charged with possession of cocaine, in one of *his company* vehicles. He got pulled over and had a outstanding warrant for a unpaid ticket, and failure of insurance and so the vehichle got "inventoried" and the cocaine was found in a stack of stuff one of his employees had left, he got off as they did a lie detector, and hair follicle test proving he had no use, there was also proof the day before the girl had used the vehichle, and it was in a stack of girly scrubs (he owns a vet clinic). I was hopeful that he would get off as my dad has substance issues but not dealing with cocaine, mainly alcohol and ketamine which is a animal drug and mostly undetectable.... 2. He disapproves of my DH because "He has no education, and we cohabited etc" my father had a dream for my brother turns out my brother shared that dream to also be a vet. My dad and I have always had a off and on relationship during the substance abuses and my parents divorce, everything was on a up-turn until he started attacking my DH because it wasn't the type of man he wanted for me and expressed I wasn't going the route he wanted and that is essentially why we do not talk now.
I hate that he is this way - however I have always been the one who wants to see the good in him - I always yearned to have my father around and to be good between us. I know in my heart that he is truly sick and I feel like I need to see him and hug and him and tell him I love him even if he does get better for myself. It is hard to explain I just I guess part of the little girl wanting a dad still comes out no matter how good my step-dad is to me, when my dad and I were on good terms it was fantastic. I fear that he will still try to tell me what I am doing is wrong but I am truly scared and feel in my heart *IF* he is in the hospital tomorrow I need to at least try to get some closure on knowing I let him know I do love him. I just know that I have a few things required for me to go - my aunt/godmother must accompany me and he must be in a hospital I must know that he is trying to get help.
He is back a different
He is back a different hospital - I will try to find out if he is admitted again tonight and then I will turn off my phone and go to bed. Tomorrow will be a good day as my DH comes home - I have expressed in my heart I do want to see him like you said under my guidelines. I have to protect myself.
I really appreciate all this support as it is nice to hear family members comfort but as I said last night this is a whole different comfort as I get to have outside views without the jaded "He is who he is" statement.
I will probably post a update tomorrow I just thank you so so much to everyone who has responded.
Your dad isn't going to
Your dad isn't going to change. He can't. He is what he is, if he wanted to try and change his life he would have made some sort of attempt by now. He is not a perfect man, who is. The sooner you come to terms with that, the better for you.
It sounds as if you will have a lot of regret if he dies and you don't go and see him. He has made a huge effort in calling his kids, clearly he has some regret. But his feelings aided, for your own sake, go and give him the peace he seeks, he needs that, but you need it too.
If he starts in on your dh, you are an adult now, you can say, dad, not now. When you are well we can have this discussion if you want to. But not now. You do have that control. You also have the ability to get up and walk out if he refuses to stop. I'm guessing he's pretty stubborn, alcohol makes them that way, and it's possible he will just keep on with his crap, I know, but it's also possible he's been given a real scare here and his fear may cause him to realise life is short and he doesn't want to die estranged from his kids.
Go, for your peace of mind, so you don't spend your life filled with regret and wondering what if, go and in getting peace for yourself, you will give him the peace he needs.
If he suddenly goes back into hospital you can always call the hospital you know.
I know he won't change...like
I know he won't change...like I have said we have gone through several reconciliations/estrangements.
I am trying to deal with work tonight and just truly figure out my feelings as I have many mixed feelings. I do see it as a big deal that he called trust me. I want peace and I want to give him peace however I am so scared. As posted my godmother is willing to go with me tomorrow, after we will hopefully know more of what is going on. I just I feel so confused.
I know that there is a possibility of him going into my DH however, I have felt like I couldn't leave as a door was locked behind me last time I was in his house - something that never happened before and I'm talking like I would visit and the door would be unlocked 24/7. My DH is wonderful and supportive and I know that or I guess hope one day my father will see that my DH actually save me from going down a spiral of depression and though we deal with a crazy BM is an amazing man.
If he is in the hospital I would not only visit but call. The thing is I truly love my father and my step-mom despite the sympathy I feel for putting her though from what Echo said above.
Thank you again Echo. I do
Thank you again Echo.
I do not know what to expect I just know my heart tells me to go. If it is toxic I will leave but if it turns out well I have my calendar cleared for the whole afternoon.
Thank you so much for your support during this time and I will probably post this afternoon how it goes - I plan to go at lunch as from what I have heard as I called the hospital he is still there but they couldn't promise he would be in his room this morning but would be this afternoon.
I have already put on here I
I have already put on here I feel bad that I expected her to be in that position - as I am a young stepmom to a young child, and seeing the perspective from Echo made me realize I put my stepmom in a unfair position.
My stepmom and I do however have a relationship and so this was where my assumption came in...again I have realized I put her in a unnecessary position hence me asking if I do go my godmother going with me to take the 'middle' factor or try to take it away from my stepmom.
I want support I have dealt
I want support I have dealt with a lot with him - and me asking her to go is for me, not for control and at times I am hoping that I won't need her in the room but I want back up, I am already dealing with some other personal issues.
As of this morning I found out it looks like my stepmom will be at work when we are supposed to go and that is fine. My dad and aunt had a issue last time he was at her house of her trying to get him help, but from what I've been told last month they had a good light-hearted conversation and are on decent terms.
I am hoping for a good actual visit as well and if it doesn't turn out I will know I at least saw him, both my aunt and I already have discussed this is my stepmoms husband, I am in control of my husbands medical care if he was in this situation, my aunt is in control of my uncles - though we may not agree that she was at home knowing he was at home there is nothing we can do, and so therefore I have posted the comments here and talked to her in person other than that they will never be communicated to her. My thing is wanting to know my dad is getting help and is in a hospital and to possibly have my last chance, if I see him and he walks out 5min later just because I said I would see him only if he was admitted that is out of my control.
Stop manipulating, pull up
Stop manipulating, pull up your big girl princess panties and go see your father. Just you, not with your Aunt/God Mother, not with your SM. Just you, daughter to father.
Putting conditions on a relationship with your father is not an adult thing to do barring some major concern for your own safety.
GO! NOW!
Disclaimer: Unless of course your father is a violent, child molesting, perverted mass murdering pig of course. In which case ... why are you even talking to him at all?
I am going to visit him. My
I am going to visit him. My aunt will go with me - will she be in the room the whole time I hope not. I want to see him, and she knows that I want to be able to have one on one time with me - I understand you don't agree with my reasoning but I am going to do it and I am going to see him - currently they are doing testing. My office is about 30miles away so I will go during my lunch.
Good for you and I hope you
Good for you and I hope you can reconnect with your father. I also hope that he comes through this health crisis and recovers fully.
Drive safely. Even a 30 mile drive can be dangerous if you are upset.
Take care of yourself in this.
Good luck.
Thank you. An additional
Thank you.
An additional reason for aunt going is so that she will drive - when my grandfather died which was not expected, as he seemed fine. I almost died as well as I was not focused on the road - my aunt will meet me at my place of work and then drop me off after the visit that way even before I make the drive home I have a place that is safe to calm down.
UPDATE: I went to see him. My
UPDATE:
I went to see him. My stepmom was at work so she wasn't having to be in the middle. My father was actually happy I also brought my aunt. So, my plan for my support actually made him feel good that someone else went to see him besides myself.
He has a infection in his lungs and in the chest cavity and is having surgery tomorrow it is a very very scary thing. I am hoping it goes well. My stepmom, grandmother, and my stepbrother will be at the surgery. I would love to go but part of me feels like this is a time I would want to somewhat step-in though I have no control nor do I need to. I will be communicating with my father in the morning as his surgery is not until 2pm and will let his wife and mother handle the rest. It sucks but I know it is for the best - I may go visit on Friday after he is out of ICU but I'm not sure I don't want to overstep as I know that though today went well there were no decisions they aren't my place.
As for our conversation it was depressing as he seems like he has almost come to terms that there is a chance he could pass away but at the same time he seems like he would be at peace if he did. He says he has done everything he needs to - which is so hard to hear. It makes me re-think all the time that we were estranged whether it was my fault or his it doesn't matter. I am struggling right now. He did bring up a little bit of the toxicity between us but only to say that he acknowledged part of it was on him. And I admitted some wrong too but for the most part it was more or less he was glad to see me and I was just glad to be there.
I feel like no matter what happens I have some peace that I saw him and did what I could to let him know I do love him. I know that everything from this point on is out of my control, luckily DH is coming home from work tonight so I will have some comfort I just am a wreck I hate that my life has lead me to have this type of relationship with him, and the had the substance abuse issues. I don't think anyone can realize how hard it and what both him and I have gone through - like I said though I do feel like even if something goes wrong tomorrow which I pray it doesn't I know I have done what is in my power to make amends and see him and let him know that I have always loved him and want him to pull through this rather it strengthens us or he decides he doesn't want to talk to me again.
Today I found out the details
Today I found out the details he had a infection in his lung, and in the chest cavity so yest talking care cause issues but he seemed to be decent at talking today. I think it is more or less the coughing.
I do feel like I have the right - and I am thankful that even without me asking after my stepmom found out I visited today she text me a update tonight she truly is a good woman I just hate I had put her in the middle at times.
I am glad I visited and am trying to figure out going to the surgery. I feel like it is something I will have to deal with in the morning my heart strings are stretched today and my DH comes home so hopefully that will cause for a good night sleep.
Thank you.
Thank you for the kind
Thank you for the kind words.
I am about to go get DH from the airport and focus on having my sweetheart home for the night and so hopefully I will get some peace and decent sleep out of that.
(No subject)
I am still overwhelmed but
I am still overwhelmed but comforted by DH. Just having him home last night eased much pain. I am still up in the air about the surgery however, we have talked about he at least driving me down there tomorrow to see him (not sure on the interaction between DH and my dad) after the surgery.
I still have peace that I saw him but my heart and mind are still truly overwhelmed as DH says I need to take it hour by hour, and my HR at work agrees. I just hopefully soon something will be clear about what I need to do next.
He is in surgery right now -
He is in surgery right now - I decided not to go only to find out this evening I may have to deal with BM for a minute which is stressful too and doesn't help the situation.
However I am at peace without being at the hospital - I saw him beyond that what can I do? I mean my grandmother and stepmom are there and just sitting waiting I have updates but I mean I need to still live my life, DH and I got to have most of the day just as laying on the couch and working on stuff outside and just comforting. Now I find out I have to deal with BM but at the same time it's going to be while he is still in surgery meaning once he is out and I get that update of him out of surgery I can curl up in DH's arms just breathe. Yes DH will have parental duties with SS but I don't I just get the loving comforting side of DH he said he would make dinner and everything so knowing I have him here and I would just be sitting in a waiting room twiddling my thumbs comforts me.
Surgery went well - he is
Surgery went well - he is going to be in the hospital for a week.
Open house was horrid BM took SS by the hand and said something to him so it was pretty much DH and I watching SS show BM - there was a piece of art work he did just laying there and BM snatched it up as DH went to pick it up to look at it.
I am just completely done SS will go to bed soon and I get DH and can just relax. I hate feeling all these emotions between my dad and the open house.
It was just a class open
It was just a class open house he is in Kindergarten - I am also posting in the General Forum about it. you can message me it may be easier then looking for this thread