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Another forum request for step-parents who are married/involved with widows/widowers with skids

tabby yabba do's picture

Submitted by tabby yabba do on Thu, 02/27/2014 - 11:05am

It would be nice to connect with others who know what it's like to have skids whose BMs or BFs have passed.

Some of us have to deal with managing the delicate 24/7 dance of responsibly parenting minor skids who others want to make excuses for, or simply pity forever. Or what about those who have to manage living in a world where adult skids actively resist accepting someone they presume to be an inferior replacement for the widow/widowers' marriage to the BF/BM. And let's not forget all of the step-parents living in the shadow of a Sainted Dead Spouse.

Is our step-life easier because we don't have a crazy BM PASIng the skids? Is our life more difficult because we are 24/7 step-parents without ever so much as a day off? Are we held to an unreasonable higher standard of parenting because of the trauma of a skid losing a parent? Or are we placed on an unrealistic pedestal for taking on the role of a parent to a 1/2 orphan child?

Thank you! Smile

askYOURdad's picture

Submitted by askYOURdad on Thu, 02/27/2014 - 11:15am

I am not in this situation so this is completely outside perspective but wow you defiantly bring up some good questions...

Is our step-life easier because we don't have a crazy BM PASIng the skids?

Every situation has it's challenges and I don't know that one is easier than the other because it seems a lot like a grass is greener on the other side scenario where you would just be trading one set of problems for a completely different set.

Is our life more difficult because we are 24/7 step-parents without ever so much as a day off?

Yes and No. Yes it is more difficult because you don't get a break, you don't get alone time with your spouse, I would think your expectation of being "second mommy" would be much higher and more difficult. No, because you have the ability to monitor more what comes in and out of your home, you don't have to worry about what is occurring 50% of the time.

Are we held to an unreasonable higher standard of parenting because of the trauma of a skid losing a parent?

^^^yes. it's difficult enough feeling like I have to compete with someone who I know and can see is not a good person, I can't imagine feeling like I have to compete with someone who is sainted. We tend to paint people in a better light when they pass, ugh I can't imagine being compared to the best version of someone every day.

All I can say is kudos to all of you because dealing with the regular dynamics of a step family seem like they would mostly be escalated and tip toed around in your situation.

B22S22's picture

Submitted by B22S22 on Thu, 02/27/2014 - 12:36pm

My interest piqued when I read your header, only because I'm the widow with two kids.

But I have to say, above anything else I do remind my DH that he will *NEVER* have to deal with an Ex (mine) like I have to with his.

In my opinion, you should not be held to a higher level of parenting due to the trauma... My kids don't get preferential treatment just because their father passed away. If anything, I remind them that sometimes life isn't fair, and sometimes it just downright sucks. They can't change the past, and their father passing, so move on. Remember him, reminisce about him, love him, but do NOT use his passing as a reason for ill behavior or an expectation of special treatment for the rest of your life. Ain't gonna happen.

Hmmmmm, maybe that comes off a little harsh to some reading it, but my kids are not maladjusted just typical teens (they were 5 and 3 when their dad passed, so they have known more of their lives without him than with him).

But I do think your forum request is a good one!

tabby yabba do's picture

Submitted by tabby yabba do on Thu, 02/27/2014 - 4:48pm

I appreciate your comments! It's why I'd love to hear from others who have lived this life, or maybe know someone who has.

I frequently feel conflicted between my common sense and structured style of raising kids with the frustrating reactions from school officials, aunts, or well-meaning friends/acquaintances who think the skids are fragile china dolls who are incapable of manipulating their deceased BM situation for maximum benefit. My struggles are compounded because the skids are both cute girls in the 0.8%-3% percentile for height - so they are physically petite little cute girls who look (and act) younger than they are in order to get what they want, when they want it, and on their terms. Spoiled rotten is what they are, but I know people "mean well" when they allow the girls to display bad behavior or judge me if I won't tolerate it.

I have two adult children (DD25 and DS23) as well as a DD11 now. My adult kids are great people, self supporting and living on their own (one finishing college, the other married and running a business)and we have zero drama. I have successfully raised respectful and decent human beings and DD11 is on the same path. I've learned loving them enough to instill boundaries, dole out reasonable discipline, have reasonable expectations and an expectation of honesty at an early age makes parenting more pleasant later on. These skids had none of that for the first 9 and 5 years of their lives. Being raised first by a diagnosed narcissistic, depressed alcoholic BM (before she passed), and my DH who had huge DisneyDad tendencies when I met him, has been very tough. I often tell my DH "I can't un-do 9 years of bad parenting" and he doesn't disagree.

Thanks askYourdad for the comments. I think you're exactly right. And thanks B22S22 for being the kind of parent a future step-parent would be lucky to find.