WELCOME!

Ok trotting out "the list"

1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)

2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?

3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habits, eating habits, bedtime habits?

4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)

5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?

6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?

7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern

8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?

9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?

10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?

11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.

12. Has dad said things to you like "you don't like my children" or "you're a child hater" or "my children are afraid of you" or "my children don't like you?" This is code for you are able to see through the manipulation and the children don't like it. . . and frankly he doesn't like the fact that you can see through his children's manipulation either. He'd rather look the other way as opposed to actually parenting because he might "lose" his children to the (almost always) PASinator BM.

If you can answer YES to ANY of these questions, get your sneakers ready to go.

Do you know your man's FINANCIAL situation? Do you know if he has massive left over marital debt? How high is his CS obligation? Have you seen the divorce decree or mediation agreement. Does it seem overly slanted in BM's favour?

Love and "understanding" simply does not cover it all. Especially in the case of stepmom is supposed to be "understanding" when all of her money goes to household expenses b/c almost all of biodad's money goes to CS.

How long would you be willing to float biodad should he lose a job and have massive CS obligations?

There are many other considerations as this type of relationship is not to be taken lightly.

Thinkthrice's list covers the areas of concern quite nicely!

I have three stepkids, and they behave much like the ones you described, OP. They're clingy, needy, and seem emotionally/socially stunted in a lot of ways. DH expected me to become their "second mom" and love them just as much as he did.

The thing is, I can't. Most of the time, I feel nothing but irritation (and sometimes downright disgust) when I have to be around them. I've disengaged from them, for my own sake and for my two kids' sake. If I did as my DH wanted me to, I'd devote all my time and energy to his kids every other week when we have them, and my kids would be left out in the cold. Sorry, I'm not willing to do that. Any free time I have (which is very little) goes to MY kids.

Don't think that love is enough to make everything better. IT'S NOT. Your resentment will grow, and things will get worse.

If I'd known before my marriage what I know now, I'd have never married my DH. I still love him every bit as much, but our relationship is seriously strained every other week when the skids are with us. It's complicated, and I won't get into all the details, but trust me when I say that love won't fix this.

Look closely at thinkthrice's list above. I wish I'd thought about these things before I got married! I didn't know what I was in for. DH and I didn't live together before the wedding, and I didn't spend enough "normal, everyday" time around my skids to see how bad they really were. That was a HUGE mistake on my part. I never saw how awful, demanding, messy, lazy, and downright rude they were until after the wedding. I'm not planning on divorcing my DH or doing anything else drastic, but I have disengaged from my skids. I don't do anything for them, and I let DH handle all the parenting decisions and other duties for them. I do NOTHING. I take care of my own two kids (which I have all the time), and that's it. That's plenty, trust me. I'm sure you know!

But please, PLEASE look at the list above, and don't go on thinking that love will conquer all. When it comes to being a step-parent, it won't!

I'm rather new here as well and you are telling my story. Needy kids, dependent, and ALWAYS interrupting. They are also completely unwilling to work to blend our family. BM is batshit crazy.

I have been married a little less than a year. Things were rocky before the wedding and only got worse of the course of time. If it is difficult now, it WILL get worse.

I do not regret marrying my husband and would do it again, but I would have made the wedding even smaller than the tiny one it was (think run away) and would have disconnected from the chaos SO much earlier and not had the rose colored glasses of "time will help us blend". I have not had anything NEAR what some here have experienced, but it has been extremely difficult and stressful. We were married last July and it has just now gotten to a breaking point for us where we are tense with each other. We have a very strong relationship with excellent communication. Last week was tense. First time of really fighting and it had nothing to do with us or conflict between us, it was simply reacting to the tension of everything else. I think I have my head wrapped around it enough now to disconnect, support him, and not let it eat away at what can be an amazing relationship. I'm more stubborn than that.

I say all of that to say, go in with eyes WIDE open. :O

I'd hold off on the wedding, it will get worse before it gets better.

Don't get married, this isn't going to get any better.

They almost lost Daddy once they're terrified they'll lose him again. And don't try and use logic on them. It's all lies and even if it isn't who can predict the future? A 9 year old doesn't have a chance and controls nothing. They're terrified.

Of course he'll get worse, so will you in his opinion. Every irritation grows after marriage as nobody is on their best behavior any longer.

Studies are now showing what has been suspected for a long time. Children do better in school and socially when they're living with a single parent than if they're living in a step situation.

The best thing you will do for his kids, your kids, him and you is to live somewhere else. You don't have to break up or stop seeing each other just don't live together. Ideally all the kids would not know about the opposite adult but its too late for that so lets make the best of it.

Tell him of your planned change of arrangements, don't discuss it. When all the kids are grown then the two of you can get on with your lives. Really in the scheme of life its a very short time and you'll have decades to make your own lives without the distractions of children.