I actually think about this often. I grew up with a stepdad, he married my mom when I was eight. I can't think of one time that I ever felt anything but love for him. He was a cool cat. He died when I was 24, and that was when I realized he had been more of a father to me than my real father. It broke my heart that my children would never remember what a great grandfather he was to them. My mom remarried to my now-stepfather, and he is tolerable at best. However, I think if he knew about this place, he'd be all over it complaining about my younger brother (rightfully so). My father had a long-term live-in girlfriend while I was growing up. I didn't hate her, but I certainly didn't love her, either. I don't remember us ever being hateful toward her. Ironically enough, I've thought about calling her and talking about how she felt as basically our stepmother, as I feel she would be honest.

As catlettuce said: "My experience as a stepchild left me completely unprepared for my experience as a step parent."

Tehehe I was an only child who instantly became the youngest of 5 from my dad and step mother and then the youngest of 4 from my mum and step father.
Like damn, learning to share when you are 5 was quite a challenge lol.
I had a great relationship with my step mother but barely no relationship with my step father, I was vile to him, though to be fair I was pretty nasty to my mum too.
My mum says that I rejoined the human race when I was 14 which is when I actually started to quite like my step father. Sadly he is now dead and looking back as an adult I do wish I had treated him differently.
The beauty of irony is now Ive moved away I am far closer to my mother who I had always been partially estranged from and my dad and step mother who I have always been very close to are now rarely in contact.

I have a stepdad and stepmother. My stepdad is awesome. No complaints about him.

My stepmother was and is a very vile, angry woman. She used to tell me what she thought about my mom (nothing favorable) laugh at me, gossip about my mom and I when I was in earshot, and still screams at my father like a crazed loon.

I never treated her badly. I tolerated her and that's because of my mom and dad. They raised me to treat people respectfully. My stepmothers affair with my dad was one of many reasons mom and dad divorced. I'm sure my mom loathed my stepmother. But she wasn't an alienator. She didn't put me in the middle of an adult situation.

My dad got remarried when I was about 20. He'd been dating my SM for about four years. I love my SM. My mum and my SM get along really well. We had Christmases and birthdays together.
I, too, was woefully unprepared, but I blame that more on mum than SM. My mum is an amazing, classy lady. That must have given me high expectations. So it didn't even occur to me that SD7's BM would be such a heinous bitch.

I had a stepdad from the time I was in elementary school (RIP, he passed away last year) and my daughter had a stepdad before we got divorced 5 years ago. My stepdad was pretty good, although we had some issues growing up, when I became an adult we got closer. I never really had a relationship with my real father so I never had a stepmother. My ex husband was great to my daughter and really treated her like his own. Still makes time for her now even though he has moved on and my DD is 20years old.

This was brought up in another thread around here somewhere, but I think that stepmoms just have it a lot harder than stepdads. Not only are they/we expected to do more, but I think in general, moms tend to be the disciplinarians and when we come into a situation with a disney dad that doesn't believe in discipline, it makes it really hard to get through knowing that there is nothing we can do and thus causes a lot more strife and resentment than in opposite situations.

I had a SM who hated my brother and I. She made it quite clear that she married my dad, but wanted nothing to do with us. (my mother died and he remarried when we were still teens at home). I desperately tried to have a relationship with her for years and finally gave up. I swore if I ever had a stepchild I would NEVER treat them like that.

Now I do. While she is a thorn in my side and I usually have to say it through gritted teeth, I do tell her I love her. She and I don't have much of a relationship but I don't ignore her or make her feel like mine did. My dad is now with a wonderful woman who treats my brother and I like her own. Yes we're all adults now but it's amazing what a little respect does.

Hey that's amazing to hear how many on this site have had good relationships with step-parents. Just goes to show that things don't have to go so badly as many of us have experienced in the parent generation. My parents divorced when I was about 21 and my father was estranged from all his children (due to the abuse he put us through and his distant personality). He remarried but only some of my brothers met his new, third, wife. They all didn't particularly keep in touch. We have just learned in the past days that he has died and the third wife has notified one of my brothers. I'm watching with interest, having followed some of the convos on this site about death and bereavement, to see what she as a "SM" will do regarding inviting us all to the funeral etc. I have absolutely no idea what if anything my father said about each of us (7, now 6) children to her and whether she has any attitude about us at all. I know she has liaised a couple times with some of my brothers, as I say, because they kept in touch very vaguely over the years themselves, and they have visited him a couple times in his last days. Fortunately for me I have no particular feelings about whether I want to go along to any ceremony or hear anything further about my dad, but it'll be interesting to see if she tries to include all of us out of respect or whether she'll take the view that she'll just liaise with those of us that got in touch before. She's got no real relationship with any of us so at least there are no hard feelings to add on to anyone's sense of bereavement.

I guess I have had a SM for the last 30+ years, but since she invented disengagement before it became all the rage, I have only met her once in my life. My father and SM are still together, my father is 80, and we are, to put it politely, estranged. So my experience as a SD is negligible but certainly influential: i have always thought that as long as I was VERY different from my SM, i.e. welcoming, fun, hospitable and generous, I will do fine in a marriage with skids. I actually was fine with skids in my first marriage, but the second time around I might as well have been the same witch my SM was. (My father moved in with her and her daughter when i was in middle school, but i have never been invited to come and visit, I never got anything from her, have never met her daughter, technically my step-sister. So naturally, i over-compensated with my skids.)

That was a long time agon in a land far-far away... my mother never remarried but had a stream of boyfriends over the years, who were all nice enough but not too interested in me. None of them lived with us, so i had no hands-on SF role model either. Neither did DH, whose parents had stayed married to each other for 65 years, but he is a natural! My kids are very lucky with him. If they ever become step-dads, they will have a great role model to think back to.

Who knows, the step-saga is likely to continue.

I don't think parents from my parents' generation knew anything about helicopter parenting, and thus, guilty parenting. Maybe it's more a result of a generation of parents putting children on a pedestal they don't belong on. Kids were too busy being kids to even worry about family dynamics as much. Just a thought.

i did not have step parents, my parents were married up until my father's death and my mother has refused to date or remarry despite my and my sister's urging.

my fiance also grew up in an intact home.

i think this is part of our difficulties with step life - neither of us lived it (nor did BM) so we dont know how to handle it or what to expect.

I have a stepmother but I worry more about not having the patience with the skids that she had with me! Dad's been gone four years now but she's still part of our lives and would be there for me in a heartbeat if I needed her.

I have a SF and a SM. My SF came around 5 years ago, and I thought he was the greatest man alive! My mother left him back in august.... I met my SM when I was 17 years old. She is actually a year and 18 days older than I am. At first I hated the fact that my SM was with my father. But they have been together for so long now, and I have become extremely good friends with her. I still talk to my SF every other day or so. I even named my son (who was born on the 30th of May) after him.

I never thought that being a SP would be so hard, because my SF and SM have made it look so easy to do! All three of my kids adore both my SF and SM. But my daughter is at an age were she wants to know everything about something she doesn't understand. LOL.

Nope. My parent's were boyfriend and girlfriend starting in the 8th grade so I don't understand the step issues at all which is prob why I struggle so much. My parent's are very loyal to each other and have awesome communication. In fact, I've nvr seen them argue or even raise their voices towards one another. I try to model their behavior and my up bringing is where my basis for rules and child raising have come from. The prob is, my FDH, grew up in a house with both his parents who did nothing but argue. Plus he's an only child...he's not going off much.