Tired of DH not defending me against his 5 adult children, then expecting me to make things right !!!!!!

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I have been married to DH for 27 yrs, and 5 now adult skids, but when we got married they were ages 3-11. Every time they have an issue with me, DH expects me to make things right ( apologize) even if I have done nothing wrong or they start something. The first few times, I thought I would be the adult here and apologize, even if it wasn't my fault. But this time I'm not going to do that. They treat me however they want and talk to me like I am nothing more than a piece of trash and he never speaks up for me, he just allows them to do it and expects me to make things right. We have talked about divorce over this situation but he is so willing to walk just to keep from talking to his children about this, or to tell them that they can't talk to his wife like they do when something don't go right. We have a 20 yr old daughter and they treat her like she is not even apart of the family but when I try to comfort my daughter, by telling her she doesn't need those kind of people in her life or not to let them determine her happiness, DH says I shouldn't tell her those things because I know it will cause a fight. ( blaming me as usual). I get told by skids that I put stuff in her head about them ( that they don't love or accept her), but I honestly have done the total opposite all these years and tried to convince her that its only feelings it is not a reality. I mean they are all adults, and skids brought me in on this fight, I was staying out of it, but his kids brought me in it. My daughter sent 2 of her sisters messages via fb about how they have made her feel all these years, being the adult in the convo, they immediately blamed me for filling her head with a bunch of stuff. It's not my fault your actions speak louder than words. They have never included her in on sibling outings, family anything, and when they talk about their siblings on fb she is always left out, but they can name every other sibling. So, this is not my fault but yet I am the one who is expected to make things right. I know there are worse things out there, but I can't do this anymore. I refuse to be 2nd place to his kids any longer. If anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated. I am at a total loss as to what to do with this situation.

I don't have any advice but I

I don't have any advice but I have been married to DH for 2.5 years. Thanks for giving me a crystal ball. I already have this issue, his 17 yr old daughter treated me like I was invisible and we are VERY close to divorce over it because he keeps blaming me for her behavior towards me. My comment to him was "what if in 5 years one of your kids treats me badly again why should I stick around and wait for that to happen". His response "well if htey are adults then you can handle it with them." Another words, don't expect me to stick up for you EVER!!!!!!

I am sorry to hear that

I am sorry to hear that you're going through a similar situation. It's terrible but, I'm glad to know I'm not alone. My DH tells me the same thing, but it would be nice if he would stand up for me with his kids. He is sooo quick to to put my family in their place, but when it comes to his kids it is totally different. He thinks his kids do no wrong and that they are perfect angels, but they are not. Sometimes, I wonder why I stay in a relationship with a man who does not defend his wife against his kids, but 27 yrs is alot of time to throw away. If I walk out, then his kids win, if I stay then this is the life I have to live with ( a life where I am miserable). I can't talk to him about his kids because he gets angry and thinks I am trying to turn him and his kids against each other, but that is not my intent at all, I would never do anything like that. I just want him to take up for me, when I am in the right. I have been their mother when their BM wasn't there for them, which has only been since recently, I have done everything a mother should do for her children as if they were my own ( without trying to take BM's place) just trying to show them that there are good mom's in the world. They have told me that I am their mother, that BM means nothing to them, she has never been there like I have been, blah, blah, blah. BM was making her kids think she was dying ( she did it only for attention), and half of them didn't want to go to the hospital to visit with her, but it was me who convinced them that she was the only mother they would ever get, go make things right with her before she dies, or you will regret it for the rest of your life. But I am the bad one ( the wicked step mother). I am the one who gets treated like crap and DH allows it. I am so glad to have found this group so I can vent and release some anger. LOL

This is exactly what I have

This is exactly what I have been doing. It just makes me so mad that DH won't defend me when they are in the wrong.

I agree with Notasm and Cat

I agree with Notasm and Cat Woman. Make a list with two columns. On the left list the good reasons to stay with this guy. Value each from one to ten.

On the right the negatives things valued the same.

Add up the values, evaluate them and think about it. Then decide if its worth staying.

If you stay disassociate yourself from these kids and tell your daughter if she wishes to do the same you'll support her. Nobody needs this negativism.

I'm afraid at this point the

I'm afraid at this point the negative would over take the positive by way too far. I kind of already know what I need to do and have known for yrs, but I am terrified of the unknown and he says once it's done, it's done. What if I leave and then decide that is not what I want and it's too late. I have never lived on my own. I married him when I was 18 and been with him every since. Can I make it on my own? Just alot of things running through my mind and what if's. I want to make the right decision for me !!!!! But his kids have always been a problem since day 1 and I should have not set back and taken it but I did and that is my fault. But I will not take it anymore. I just have to wait for the right timing to make any decisions right now.

Of course you can make

Of course you can make it!
Love, life is so short, don't waste it. Go find your happiness if that is what you know you need to do.
Be a great role model for your daughter, show her how a woman deserves to be treated. That a woman is strong and in control of her life and her happiness.

Yes, it's scary, but it is nothing you can't handle. Honest :). Be brave, you deserve to be treated like a queen.

For some reason my comments

For some reason my comments will not post under yours and it double posted about the bullying. I am new to this group and still trying to learn all the ropes.

It's not only me he thinks

It's not only me he thinks should apologize to them, it's also my DD. But he never tells skids to apologize, or that he won't tolerate them talking to me the way they do. I understand he don't want to get involved with all the kids issues, but he could stand up for me when I am not the one who starts it. If i start a fight with anyone, I can handle it myself, but I usually never start fights with skids. I have always respected them as adults and I have always been the one to make things right when they get mad at me for something, even if I didn't do anything to them because I figured I was the older person and I always tried to be a mom ( not their mother) but a mom that they never had. But now I see where that got me, absolutely nowhere. So, I have made up my mind that I am not going to let skids not treat me or my DD like this anymore and if that means cutting all ties ( which I have already done) then thats what it takes. And if DH don't like it he can go live with his kids and they can be one big happy family. Atleast me and my DD would be happy for a change.

You are right, I have been

You are right, I have been letting him get away with it for way too long. And maybe I have been bowing down to him, to keep him happy or in fear that he may walk out. But, NO MORE. I have learned to be tuff with him, I have always had a backbone, but I think as I get more older and sicker, I can not fight with him as much ( I give in way too much). I don't expect him to make his kids change because they are adults and make their own decisions, but I do expect him to stand up for me when they are in the wrong. But he never has and probably never will. I do believe he will walk over those kids, although, I would never make him choose between me and them, I would be the one to make him leave or me walk away. For years, I have done everything in my power to make them love me, but now I see it was all in vane. And I have always been the one to make things right with them because I didn't want them to be mad at me. But, i'm done with all that, I have realized no matter what I do for them, I will always be the wicked smother, so why bother anymore. He has never said anything against his children, even though, there are times he should beat them until they can't walk for awhile but he won't open his mouth to them. But, he sure does run his mouth to me and my DD and she is an adult too, so I don't understand why it's ok for him to not speak up to his other kids but he can to ours like it isn't nothing. Sometimes I think he doesn't love me and our DD because of the difference he shows between us all. He says he loves us but those are just words. I am a firm believer that your actions speak louder than your words.

You are right, I have been

Refer to comment below about

Refer to comment below about bullying. My comment will not let me post it under yours for some reason. I know it double posted, but I am new to this group and I don't know how to fix it lol.

My DH just says "yes, I know,

My DH just says "yes, I know, they're ef'd up, what do you want me to do?" My skids are 20, 22, and 25. He then babies them and gives them whatever they want. I have started to take care of me and our boys 7&3. There is still a lot of stress and other issues, but it is better then last year.
I stay because of my boys and I do not want my children to ever have to deal with divorced parents. Your daughter is grown...I understand not wanting them " to win." I think that too.
I am just hoping their BM and YSd 20, will move away and my life will be a little easier. Won't ever happen, but a girl can dream.

I don't have any trouble with

I don't have any trouble with BM now that all the kids are grown and out on their own, but I had my fair share of dealing with her when they were little. And they all live about 45 min from us and never come around or call him. I don't have anything to do with them but somehow I always get the blame. His one DD told me not too long ago that she has always hated me and always will. That I took her daddy away from her and she will never forgive me for that. Her dad has always been just a phone call or a short drive away and it works both ways. I have never tried to take him or keep him away from his kids as a matter of fact, when we 1st got together, he only would get the youngest son for weekend visits, but when I came along I changed that, and had to make him get all 5 kids every other weekend, boy do I ever regret that now. I tried to be good smom because BM was such crapy mom. I am the one who got the bad end of the stick in the end though.I have taken in his children when they were younger too raise as my own from time to time, I went out of my way to make sure they had nice clothes, and things they needed, I have thrown them baby shower's and a wedding, I have taken them and their children in when they had no pace to go ( and BM would not step up to the plate), I babysit their kids for free, I even had custody of a couple of the grandkids for awhile, I have helped them out financially, emotionally, mentally anything they needed I was always their even against DH a coupe of times letting his DD that hates me so bad and 3 of her hellian children move in with us but this is the thanks I get. I don;t deserve to be treated like this and neither does my DD. But I do beleive in karma and they are all slowly gettin paid back. But that's not the point, the point is DH needs to stand up and defend me against his kids. But I don't see that ever happening.

My DH thinks I should

My DH thinks I should apologize to 2 of his DD's that my DD opened up to on fb messages, that I got drug into by his 2 DD's. I asked my DH to call his girls and tell them that I wasn't in it and that he will not tolerate the way they were talking to me on fb. He said, that I should apologize and make things right with them, when I did nothing wrong, I was innocent in this issue. My DD don't think I need to apologize, she knows they need to apologize to me, which won't change how I feel anyway but an apology would be nice. His kids usually won't disrespect me in front of him, except 2 occasion and his 2 sons did, but other than that it is usually through fb or text messaging. His youngest daughter, who is 30, was going through some things with her children and I was talking to her about it, ( which I know now I should have stayed out of it) but I love those kids and their birth grandparents won't stand up for them, but I did, and she said she hates me, always has and always will. That I took her daddy away from her, the only person that could save her from the rotten ass life she is living. But her daddy has always only been a phone call away. A couple of times just a few years ago, we just lived down the street from her and she never came around her daddy unless she needed something, and 1 time we moved out of town and I asked her and her family to move with us, and they did. I always, tell DH if you want to go see your kids, then go see them, call them, spend time with them but he don't much. But yet, I guess that's my fault because I am his wife, IDK. So, I have never denied my DH or his children from seeing each other and I never will. But it don't mean that I have to be involved in that. And yes, if I knew then what I know now, I would have not gave my all into parenting his children, it was all for nothing. I wasted 27 yrs of my life trying to be a parent that they didn't have with BM and DH included. I purposely got involved with them, took care of them, nursed them, gave them advice, even as adult children, I've even stood up to a few husbands on their behalf, I mean that is what a parent is supposed to do, right? Protect your children. They acted like they were fine with everything, they would say we need someone to go to for advice we can't go to out own mother, or we need a parent who will go to at for us, out own parents won't, so I thought it was ok. I have told them I don't want to overstep my bounds with them because I am just their smom and they said you are our mom. So, I guess it was all just head games, huh? I have always loved children and wanted a house full of them, when I was ready for that, I didn't know I would be forced into. But now, I know, I overstepped my bounds, and that all my hard work (trying to give them a parent that really cared about them) all was in vain, I mean none of them appreciate anything I've done not even DH. These past couple of months, I have disengaged from the, I do have to say I do miss them, but I will get over it in time. My life has been more peaceful except for the anger I have toward DH for not standing up to on my behalf. I know he don't want to get involved as he say's, but I think he just don't want his precious children to hate him. But I guess it's ok for his wife and our DD to hate him. Makes no since, but if that's how he wants it, I guess that's how he shall have it.

That's the thing, he don;t

That's the thing, he don;t get involved, and I think he should when they are in the wrong. He let's them treat me however they want, and won't stand up for me. It would be nice if he would every now and then. And as far as my daughter, she was trying to have an adult convo with 2 of his kids about how they have made her feel all of her life being excluded. They get on fb and post things about loving their siblings and things like that and they put everyone of their names on that post, but they always seem to forget my daughter. And it upsets her terribly. I could understand if it was a 1 time thing, but this is an every time thing and they all say we forgot to mention her. My thing is, after 20 yrs of her being your sister, how can you always forget her. My daughter told them, if you don't want anything to do with me, just tell me. It would be easier to know that you don't want anything to do with me, then for me to keep trying to have a relationship with you guys for nothing. I tried to get DD from messaging them because I knew it was going to end up in a battle, but she said she needed to do it, and she did need too. But I was totally out of it until they brought me in it because I was sending my DD inspirational quotes to make her feel better and they said I was putting stuff in her head about them not loving her, and that is just not the truth. It is my job to protect my DD and to make her feel as happy as I can. My DH an I try to stay out of their issues with one another, but enough is enough and I think he should stand up for us when his kids are in the wrong. And she did tell them that I had nothing to do with it and that I toold her not to message them, but I still got the blame. I have deleted them from my fb and blocked them all, but I can;t seem to get her to do the same, she still has this glimmer of hope feeling like she belongs.

He don't like it when my

He don't like it when my and/or my DD fight with skids. I keep telling him he needs to tell his kids that he will not tolerate them talking to his wife like that, but instead of him doing that, he wants us to apologize to them to end the fight. And I don't think they consider her a sister either, but if that is the case, then they shouldn't consider her their sister when she around them, or only when it is convenient for them. She told them in her message if they didn't want anything to do with her,didn't love her or didn't consider her their sister to just tell her and she will except it instead of her trying so hard to be part of their little click. My DD cries her eyes out when she sees these posts on fb or when she finds out that there has been a family event and she has been excluded, and I can't blame her. Just because she is 20 yrs old don't mean she doesn't have feelings and get upset and as her mother I WILL ALWAYS console my DD and I don't care who don't like it. Skids were posting things to poke at her about how she was feeling. I was only posting thins to her on her wall to console her, to make her feel better, for her to understand she don't need to try to make people love her if they can't love her for who she is then they are not worth her time. I have deleted and blocked them from my fb and tried to get her to do the same, but she still has that glimmer of hope that one day they will except her, only hurting herself, I know, but I think she is starting to see the light.

Are we married to the same DH

Are we married to the same DH because it sounds like we have the same adult SKs?!?!

DH and I have been married for 10 years (together for 13), and my life with them have been pure hell! With the help of ST, learn to disengage, stand up for yourself and your daughter, and tell your DH to shut up. My DH does not stand up for me when these golden eggs start their shit. His answer all these years "just give them time!" I now realize that they are NOT worth my time.

Again, learn to disengage, and if need be, seek out the advice from an attorney.

I'm sorry to know that you

I'm sorry to know that you are going through the same thing, but I am glad to know that I am not the only one that goes through this. Sometimes, you feel so alone and that nobody understands what you are going through. I have disengaged myself with skids for a couple of months now, they never come around anyway or even call him unless they want something,but I can tell DH don't like it because I want nothing to do with them at all, but he don't really say much other than me and my DD need to make thing right with skids to end the war. LOL Normally, I do make things right with them, but not this time. I AM DONE with them.

:"Give them time"... lol!! I

:"Give them time"... lol!! I hear that ALOT... that and "she's just young"... we are talking about a 22 YEAR OLD woman with a child.

DH is not in it at all, and

DH is not in it at all, and that is the problem. He needs to stand up for us when his kids are in the wrong. I understand that when the kids are having issues, to let them work things out for themselves, however, I am tired of them treating my DD the way they do and getting away with it. Any parent should protect their children, but it seems I have been her only protector all of her life. DH has always just sit back and let what ever happened, happen. But I have always sit back and not said anything about how his kids treat my DD, but enough is enough. I should have done something years ago, so it is my fault it has gone on this long. But from her on out I will protect my daughter no matter what it takes. She might 20 yrs old, but she will always be my baby. And his kids drug me into it, not my daughter, she was trying to handle it on her own and they are the ones who starting running their mouth's about me and I wasn't in it. This isn't the 1st fight have had with skids and I'm sure it won't be the last but for now, I have disengaged from all his kids and my life is more peacefull without them in it. But it would just be nice for DH to stand up to them once in a while.

My DF speaks to his daughter

My DF speaks to his daughter on his own time ~ probably to n from work n texts. She is not welcome in MY home ever. I will not tolerate her disrespectful behavior at all. I have 4 children of my own n this home is their safe haven. There place to be comfortable ~ n relax. Not a battle zone. DF respects my feelings or lack their of his daughter. She drove me to where I am n I will not faulter from my feelings. She is a rotten apple off the BM narcassist tree ~ pretentious people are not welcome in my life.

Here's a future thought ...
It's a total sin that the "siblings" are out casting your daughter ~ when all is said n done n we are no longer are on this earth ~ they will always be siblings. If things can't be repaired ~ she will be alone. Is that really what your DH wants for her to grieve alone ??? If that's the case ~ why stay now. Nothing will be different. That's my only real input.

His kids are adults n they can acts like asses for the rest of their lives but your daughter didn't ask to be put in this shitty sibling fight. She is a part of you n your hubby ~ sorry of that upsets his adult kids.

I have tried to tell him one

I have tried to tell him one time that his son wasn't welcome in my home over some things he said about my DD and he was ready to divorce me that day. I don't want him to have to choose between me and his kids and I won't, but I woud have to leave him. But if this continue's I might just tell them myself to stay away and if he leaves then he will just have to leave. This is my life and my DD life that he and his kids are playing with. He says he don't like the way his kids treat our DD but that's only words, when I see him do something about it, then I will know he cares, but that is never going to happen. He will choose them over us and it's just not right.

Throwing around threats of

Throwing around threats of leaving is ridiculous n sounds like he is having a temper tantrum.

He recognizes that his kids treat your dd poorly but he can't recognize that his kids treat you n dd the same

I'd give him a pacifier n a diaper. Wake up DH you could lose it all. Sure the arguing for years is old n tiresome but he could have the same exact conversation with his kids. Saying cut the crap ~ can't we all just hsve respect for each other instead of acting like they are 8.

This is exactly, what my

This is exactly, what my point is. But he won't speak out of turn to them for some reason.

My ugly is not as long as

My ugly is not as long as your ugly. So I do feel for you totally.

I don't know what moment made my DF see the light but he did. His spawn has threatened my daughter n bullied her for about 2 months before my Momma bear instincts went into fully effect. His daughter n her bf at the time were completely disrespectful to a good friend of mine at a party we were hosting ~ my friend kindly came up to me n told me they would leaving. My DF had me ask my friend exactly what happened n I did which was the same stort my dd told. The night of said party his did wanted to talk to her father that nightmare he didn't want any part of side tracking his guests. The next day I went away with my kids for a few days n on our return ~ we spoke n he called his daughter who tried to FLIP her story ~ saying it was just a JOKE. Excuse me we are adults ~ when you are around adults act like one.

My DF had to see for himself what his DD was all about. Tinkerdouche 101 ~ and there you go honey. She even put a bow around her neck. She is passive aggressive narcassist n manipulator. Everything DF complained about his wife.

These men are so afraid of making their children upset that they are more than willing to lose what they have. They will be alone n miserable. As the kids get older they will begin to have their own families n will be too busy to even think of Dad. Facts of life. He could go old w you side by side or he could be lonely.

As adults we do not have to agree on everything. You can agree to disagree~ which really is just showing each other respect. We are all entitled to our opinions but that doesn't give you the right to be hurtful. If they have nothing good to say ~ they should say zero
He should be saying ~ kids ~ I get she is different then your mother or what type of person you want me to be with. That frankly is just your opinion ~ keep it to yourself. I love this woman n I want to grow old with her. You have a little sister than needs her family , treat her like àhe is your sister. You don't have to like or love my decisions I have made in my life ~ but you do need to respect my choices. Having my wife in my life does not mean that you are not important it means I have more people to love n more people to love me.

DH knows deep down in his

DH knows deep down in his heart that his kids are not perfect and so much like BM it's not funny. But he will never speak of it. And yes, he should tell them everything you said he should but he won't, he say's he don't want his children to hate him, but it's ok if they hate me. I have preached to him for 27 yrs that a spouse comes 1st then the children, I know alot of people don't agree with that and if they were small kids maybe I would understand more, but they are all grown kids, with kids of their own and to me by him not defending me against his children is putting them 1st ( putting their feelings before mine and our DD's). I mean he lives with us and rarely sees or talks to his kids but yet me and my DD get the brunt of his mouth. And his kids think he is this awesome daddy and a great man, but they don't really know him like we do. He is not a woman beater or anything like that, he don't drink, do drugs or nothing that severe, his downfall is that he will for no reason put me before his kids. I know that there is a bond between parents and children, but he is ridiculous with it. He goes overboard when it comes to those kids and they don't even have a lot to do with him, only when it is covenant for them. Me and my DD are always with him but it's like he is not with us (only in body). If that makes since.

He is taking you and your

He is taking you and your daughter for granted cause you guys are right there in the house day after day. He has some sort of guilty a Daddy syndrome. Hell my kids probably hate me on a daily bases but bet your ass my kids are respectful.

Posted twice

Notasm, I keep trying to

Notasm, I keep trying to respond to your comments but it wont let me reply in the same section as yours. But I did reply to it about bullying. It posted twice and I don't know how to remove 1 of them. LOL

It could be that he feels

It could be that he feels guilty for not raising them the whole time. We had them off and on throughout their childhood raising them. They would get mad at BM and come to live with us, then get mad at me and go back to live with BM back and forth until they were teenagers and I put a stop to it. As they all started going back to BM 1 x 1 I told them they couldn't live with us anymore. I was tired of the wick whacking to and from and at that time my DD was a baby and I couldn't let that go on anymore. So, maybe he resents me for all that. But he shouldn't take it on on our DD.

Ahhhh the old play mom

Ahhhh the old play mom against Dad bs. Sooo tired of that game as well. If everyone just raised their kids to be respectful ~ I wonder how many problems we sm would have. Don't have to like me ~ but you will respect me. I m not here to be your friend, your peer your confidante ~ I am a parent of yours.

I am not gonna die because my SD doesn't like me. Why are they so afraid of their children or adult children. If the adult kids don't like you ~ then make it easy have nothing to do with them.

after 26 years of stuffing

after 26 years of stuffing the same types of issues...I finally disengaged because the anger built up so bad inside of me...I didn't know that every tme I was pushed into "Being the bigger person" and getting back into the ring with the BM...I was slowly being manipulated in to taking on the responsibilities of my DH...He should have stepped up to the plate years ago..He should have protected me and our children from the toxic culture his previous unforgiving family exposed us to...All the hurt, the manipulation, the apathy, the disrespect, the overcompensating for their issues...constantly hurled in our direction...trying to divide our marriage...hurt my children...and political posturing to put themselves at the top of the pyramid...(trying to anyway)...the constant fight for attention...Always having to be the center of attention...still everything has to be about them...(until this last year anyway)...Now, after disengaging for a year and exposing the truth of their heart's condition..filed with hate and unforgiveness now that their bm has passed away...They are worse...Finally my DH is seeing it for what it really is...The best advice I can give you is to run after your own freedom...see the issues for what they really are...Do not worship the acceptance of the step kids...Maintain your self respect so your DH respects you...separate yourself from what is their problem and what are your own..Do not make their unhappiness your issue...Draw healthy boundaries for each one of them and your DH...When he starts trying to manipulate into owning this as somehow your problem...false guilt put on you to get you to do HIS job...It has been a long painful realization, but my DH is finally having to step up to the plate because I refuse to do it for him anymore...I am in a season of rest now that his kids are all adults...the "parenting" season is over...Their journey is now up to them...not my business...They have drone everything possible to get a rise out of me...even using their own children to try and hurt their father and I..all it did was majorly turn me off...I no longer, at this point have a desire to engage with those type of people...Finally my DH is recognizing his children are rebellious and have made their own choices to continue the hate..I have finally had to release their fate to God and get on with my own life...It is no longer all about them...there is SOOOOO much more to life than their issues...I focus on the positive and keep away from all their drama....they are narcissistic individuals and the one thing they crave is admiration...I do not admire them or the way they do life...their attention seeking behaviors have gotten old...although my DH and I are still together...I have moved on when it comes to them...I finally had to draw the line with my DH and now he respects my position...Being a step mom does not give them a free pass to not own personal responsibiity for their behavior... They are sooo messed up...they do not own themselves at all...(not my cup of tea.) life's too short...BM left one hell of a legacy...

You are right, poor excuse

You are right, poor excuse for a father and a husband. I have felt this way for years but not sure how to handle the situation. Talking to him about it only makes him angry and causes a huge fight, which we have done for years and that doesn't work. All him and his kids are doing is causing my love turn to hate for them all, and DD feels the same way. A child should not hate their parent but he has done this to her.

....

That is a powerful oomment. i

That is a powerful oomment. i have recently disengaged from skids and life is much more peaceful. But I am not so sure DH will ever see how they treat me and our DD as a problem. He seems to think that me and my DD start it every time and honestly we don't. How does a person get through this? How do I make him see them for who they really are? How do I get him to speak up for me and my DD when they are in the wrong, instead of him constantly trying to make us apologize and make things right? Or should I just keep sitting back and allowing him to not put a stop to it?

Would the FB messages make a

Would the FB messages make a difference at all ???

No, and I told my DD that it

No, and I told my DD that it would not make a difference and I begged her not to do it, but she kept saying she had to. She is tired of feeling like she is not a part of the family and the way they treat her. I warned her all it would do was cause a fight and that I would get the blame for it and of course I did. She tried to tell them that I had nothing to do with it, that it was all her, but they didn't believe her.

I have thought about

I have thought about counseling, but I don't think it will help because every problem I have with him, he turns it around on me for example, if I say I don't like the way he does a specific thing, he has a million ways how I do things wrong. Or I asked him why he wont stand up for me with his kids, his answer was do you stand up for me with your family. Everything is always my fault. If I would treat his kids with respect they would treat me with respect ( But I do treat them with respect) he just has 1 excuse after the other and he never gives a straight answer he always turn everything back on me.

IDK,maybe. I told him the

IDK,maybe. I told him the other day I need to go to counseling and he said what for and I said to learn to deal with your kids and then he said nothing lol

Hi niecey, I did the math and

Hi niecey, I did the math and assume that if you got together with this guy at 18 and he had a kid aged 11, then, must be he was way older than you when you started out. Now in middle age, 10 years is not a big gap between spouses, but it's a massive gap for an 18YO and my guess is he massively dominated you because of that. And parenting all those skids for him, only one of them a girl, did not help, especially as you had your own baby in your 20s. You have been historically overwhelmed by the age gap and the sheer work, and then to top it all you are ganged up on by a disproportionate number within the family now. Have a look back at Stepaside's blog on relational aggression (= bullying by family group), this really applies in your case. In my view if you want to stick with this marriage, you really have got to marshal your forces psychologically and it's not going to be fair or likely that you can rely wholly on your young daughter who is a similar vulnerable age to the one you were when you started on this road. I would very strongly urge you to find a counselor to work on your self-esteem so that you can really go with your instincts and get back some psychological power for yourself from within this family. If you can't, well you'll have tried and if you do have to separate out from your DH then you'll have better tools to do it with.

Yes, and I guess I should

Yes, and I guess I should have mentioned that in my blog, but I don't ever think about that. I was 18 and he was 36. I am now 45 and he is 62. And he has 3 daughters and 2 sons from his previous marriage. His oldest daughter is only 11 yrs younger than me. I was 24 and he was about 42 when my DD was born. I know it is a huge age difference, but I never thought things would be like this. He took 3 of his kids in 2 months after we were married even though I didn't want to. I was only 18 and was not ready to become a full time mom to 3 half grown children, I didn't know how to be a mom at that age. But I was told if I didn't agree to it that he would leave me, and I thought I was in love and didn't want to loose my DH. We had his kids off and on until my DD was born, I have taken them in as adults, some with their kids, a couple of the grandkids for about 6 mths, his mother, my father, and our 20 yr old is still at home, we have never been by ourselves, we always have someone to take care of and that could be another problem and another blog Lol. But,I do agree with the counseling thing, but only for me, because he never admits to his guilt and his wrongs and he always, always always turns everything back on me for example, I ask him why he never stands up and defends me and his answer was do you stand up and defend me against your family? I never get a straight answer. All he would do is make me feel like a complete idiot in front of a counselor.

Now is the time to step back

Now is the time to step back and get some help rediscovering your own personhood. Your DH has had a life pattern of blaming EVERYTHING on you for so long that he doesn't know how to own himself. You have to establish clear strong boundaries on whether or not you even receive his false accusations...When he is saying something that is not true...you have to call him out on it and stand your ground...Otherwise they think that just because they said it...it makes it true...there are so many times I have had to call them out on false accusations toward me and tell them point blank "There is no truth in that statement and I do not receive that...you have to weigh everything in your own mind because they are used to manipulating for soooo long that way, and have gotten away with it for so long that it has become a life pattern for them...

I have found that most issues coming from my DH's kids are mainly due to his passivity, and him trying to pass his responsibilities on to me or blame me...that way he never has to look in the mirror and deal with himself....unfortunately for him...and his kids...if they can't look at themselves and every problem in their lives is someone else's fault...then that leaves them in a position of never being able to go through the necessary process needed to fix themselves because they never get there. and becoming the scapegoat for their issues just enables them to remain where they are.

The deeper underlying issue for me was, how much of my life was consumed on their personal problems that no one else created or could fix except themselves to begin with...Once that light bulb came on, I began focusing on my own hangups in life and things personally got better for my own mental and emotional health...but they reacted strongly to not being the center of attention and are still struggling with the reality that the universe does not evolve around only them. It has been a slow process, but I feel like once I had the strength to regain my own identity back after being stripped of it over a long period of time, and after being totally consumed by their drama...I am on the adventure of re discovering me....

It took the help of professional advice...teaching me to not entirely own all the relationships in my life and learning that it takes two to have a relationship...not me doing 200 percent to make it work...that is when all of the initiating on my part came to an abrupt stop and the culture changed from me pursing these people or having to morph into something I wasn't to make them happy to if they are not happy that is not on me...and now I can see in retrospect..this is how they were trained to be...non initiators...waiting for everyone to serve them...feeding their selfishness (which is never satisfied by the way) that is why no matter what we do for them it is not enough...somehow the world owes it to them...I had to face the reality that there may come a day that I had to emotionally detach myself from these unhealthy relationships at least unhealthy parts of them...If you have to disappear to make it work then, that doesn't work for you....no one can sustain that kind of selfishness and consumption...I finally had to come to the point where I said enough is enough... The only one that could make the emotional and mental abuse stop was me...I had to get real with me and ask "Why did I need their approval or acceptance so badly?...once you can answer that question...you will begin your journey to freedom this vicious cycle of destruction. I know to some it may sound selfish...but, no one is going to be able to help you except you. They are too emeshed in it to be able to look at it with a healthy perspective....It's all they know at this pong...
Right now you need to help yourself before you can help anyone else escape the madness...

I do call him out on alot of

I do call him out on alot of things, however, it only makes the situation worse, because he is going to be right no matter what. I am a pretty strong person, but it can wear a person out with all the arguing about who is right and who is wrong. Sometimes, I just shut up and let him rant. Which I probably shouldn't, but I do.

Go to the counselor by

Go to the counselor by yourself. You need to work on YOU first. By the way, you mentioned leaving. If the house is in both of your names HE can leave. Once he realizes how much it will cost him to live somewhere else he will be cooperating a bit more. But don't expect him to defend you. It won't be over night but after going to counseling and working on yourself, getting stronger, gaining self-respect, you will be able to disengage from this toxic situation. If needed, you will be able to defend yourself.

I was married for over 20 years to DH when I decided I had enough. I was blamed for all sorts of crap I had nothing to do with or things that were imagined, plus I was treated much like you. After SD had a super meltdown I went to a counselor alone. She told me to do as OC suggested, make a list of pluses and minuses. DH saw me making the list and finally, after 20 years wanted to talk. Today I will not allow anyone in my home who disrespects me.

It appears that the reason you stay in this horrid relationship with your DH is for financial security. But what will happen if he dies? You would not be old enough to collect on his social security. So you must ensure your survival. Start a bank account for yourself and go back to school.

Well, alot of you may think

Well, alot of you may think this is strange, but the house is ONLY IN MY NAME. When I found this house it was being sold under a land contract, so I called the company not knowing I was supposed to give both of our names, after all I was only calling for info on the house. So, when I got the info it was a big package with land contract papers in it, in case I decided I wanted to purchase the house, and they only had my name on it. I called them to see if they could add his name to the contract after I had already signed all the forms and they said they couldn't but when I die it would automatically go to him. So, if anyone leaves it WILL BE HIM. He has no say in the matter. And now, I am so glad it worked out this way, everything happens for reason, right? lol As far as the reason that I stay in this relationship, as of this moment is for financial reasons. I am unable to work and fighting for disability and go to court in aug for that, I have no income of my own, so I can't rally do anything other than suck it up for a couple more months. If it don't go through, I will have to somehow get a job if I decide I want him to leave. I have so many emotions on the issue and not sure which way to turn. I honestly believe that we both want out but to stubborn to make the 1st move or to afraid i'm not sure which. As far as making that list, as I told OC, the negatives would over take the positives by way too far. There are soooo many neg's and a very, very few positive's. I know what I need to do ( make him leave) but just can't do it right now. Then when the time comes and I still want out of this relationship, I will give him the opportunity to go to counseling with me and not make an ass out of me, or I will call it quits. I think I will find a therapist to talk to just for me for now, so I can get the courage and know how to make these decisions on my own.

It sounds like you are making

It sounds like you are making a lot of head way since your first post. You've come up with a contingency plan. Good for you!! You are going in the right direction - don't stop now. (((HUGS)))

Now to find a counselor I can

Now to find a counselor I can trust. LOL

Oh, it's worse than I

Oh, it's worse than I thought. The guy had you over a barrel from the start with that fake threat about leaving you. A guy that age, leave a young girl whom he could mold to his exact requirements both in the relationship and as a child carer? I don't think so. No I'm not advising joint counseling, not at all. I'm strongly advocating solo counseling as I get the impression this guy is still too dominating for it to work straight away as a pair.

I agree with you poodle, I

I agree with you poodle, I think I should go solo, at least for awhile anyway to work on my self confidence.

I don't think the age thin

I don't think the age thin has a big factor in the matter, but I could be blinded to it. I have seen alot of responses on here that totally has opened my eyes on alot of issues, very good advice from everyone. I don't know why I have put up with his crap all thee years, other the the fear of the unknown of being on my own. I use to be weak and vulnerable until a few years ago, then I got tired of being walked on and I thought I toughened up, but apparently not enough. AS far as me getting a job, I am not able to work, I have alot of medical issues going on and am currently awaiting disability. But if that don't go through, I will have to get a job somehow because I refuse to spend another 27 yrs like the last 27 yrs.

You are entitled to be

You are entitled to be respected ~ you respect his children for who they are. For some reason maybe me cause you are not much older than the children they feel righteous in bullying your feelings n acting with no regard to your daughter. After all in their minds they don't respect their fathers choices ~ which are you n your daughter.

It's your relationship too ~ your opinions n your voice matters but you need to figure out another way to voice it n be heard. Why is it skyways that he sets consequences on you ~ divorce is nothing to dangle in front of people. If think that some part of his threat has some truth in his eyes. He can give you N ultimatum but not just speak with his kids. I call bullshit.

Oh, believe me, I do defend

Oh, believe me, I do defend myself again skids but It would be nice for DH to step up and tell them that he will not tolerate them treating his wife they way they do. That is all I want. I have already cut all contact with skids and they never come around. The 1 sd was supposed to get married this weekend (has been cancelled though) and she wanted DH to walk her, which I would never stop him from doing, but the wedding was going to be at BM's house and I was not happy, but I wasn't going anyway but she tells DH she wanted me and DD to come. She told DH that her older sister did all this fighting and she wasn't in it but she is the one who started it all. And of course he believed her, and thought DD and I should go but we both told him we wasn't going.

Thats too bad about the Skids

Thats too bad about the Skids ignoring their own sister (your dd). Age difference has nothing to do with it. They are just assholes. I am closer to one of my half brothers than I am to my own (full) brother. And there is about 15 yr age gap between us. Hugs !

Yes it is , I keep telling

Yes it is , I keep telling her, now, they are not worth the effort. I think she is finally staring to get it.

Quite frankly, I'm surprised

Quite frankly, I'm surprised it's taken dd two decades to get the hint that your DHs kids don't want much to do with her. Maybe if she'd backed off a bit they would've eventually come to her. Why do you think they'd want to be close to someone so much younger than them? They have little in common with her given their age differences.

If your daughter told you about what they said she dragged you into it. I can tell you who handled my problems with other adults when I was 20. Me. If anything, the other adults I told supported me but stayed out of it. Or I told them after the fact.

Well, if they don't want

Well, if they don't want anything to do with her they should have told her instead of pretending to love her. But BM has kids from another marriage that are much younger to them, and they are close to them so I don't see what the age thing has to do with it. As far as my DD dragging me into it, I was sitting beside her when she done it and I knew what she was doing but she didn't tell me what she was saying to them until after the next morning when the oldest sd sent me a fb message saying I was the one putting this stuff in my DD's head about them not loving her or excepting her, so NO, my DD did not drag me into it, skids did. And this was the 1st time that she said anything to them about the issue, it's not like she tormented them with it, it happened 1 x and 1x only. But if you knew these kids you would understand why it took her this long to build her nerve up to tell them how she felt. If telling your siblings how they make you feel what can you tell them? I mean if somebody made me feel like crap for 20 yrs I would eventually say something to them too. And normally I do stay out of her affairs, but not this time. I am sick and tired of them treating her the way they do.

Did the sks live primarily

Did the sks live primarily with BM? That may be why they're closer to bms younger kids.

They likely have a lot of resentment towards your DD. They likely feel they were replaced by her in your DHs eyes.

They did primarily live with

They did primarily live with BM. However, we had custody of them off and on until my DD was about a yr old. They would get mad at BM and run to us, then get mad at us and run to BM. I couldn't allow that to go on with my DD being there. They were very rude to me, would scream to the top of their lungs, standing next to her crib, kick her furniture and things around and they were teenagers by then. I finally put my foot down and said enough was enough, so when they left 1x1 that was it, they didn't come back to live with us anymore. And they could resent her for feeling like that were replaced by her, IDK. They were always jealous of her because I dressed her nicer then them, she had better things than them, etc, etc. We did by them nice clothes for school because we did help with school clothes for them on top of child support but BM would not make them wear them and started putting brand new school clothes in the barn for all the animals and rodents to eat up so we stopped buying clothes and started buying school supplies, socks, shoes and underclothes. But I always kept nice clothes at my house for them when they came for their visits and when they lived with us. I always tried not to show a difference between her and them when they were around.

Notasm, you are right about

Notasm, you are right about the whole sibling situation. And I have came to the realization that he will never defend/protect me against skids, but I don't want him to die. He does have alot of issues especially when it comes to skids, he's parenting skills definitely suck and marriage is not his best quality. He treats me ok, sometimes mouthy, ( usually over skids or money issues) but other than not defending me against skids and expecting me to make things right with them when it's not my fault, and treating DD basically the same as me, It's not enough for me to want him dead. And believe me when this does happen, or I decided our marriage is over, I sure in the heck don't want another partner, I would rather die alone. LOL

You are here

Tired of DH not defending me against his 5 adult children, then expecting me to make things right !!!!!!