Father's Day
Happy belated Father's Day to all.
So at 9:00 in the morning my wife comes home and wakes up both kids to come down stairs and give me my Father's Day present. My bio son is more then happy to give dad his gift. SS on the other hand goes to bed at midnight and tells mom "no I'm too tired". Doesn't come down stairs until noon. Says three words to me "happy Father's Day" then eats and goes up stairs for the rest of the day. I went outside to fix the gutters on the garage while both were eating. Bio son comes outside in the pouring rain and offers to help. SS goes back up to his laptop. After dinner I ended up finding out that SS plan was to sleep in as late as he possibly could so he didn't have to spend any time with me on Father's Day. Also came across a fairly nasty message that he sent to his friend on Facebook. There was no reason for it just absolute hatred towards me.
I'm feeling very hurt by this but am finding it hard to find a way to bring it up to his mom. We argue a lot over things of this nature. The message wasn't private just sent to his friends wall. We have access to his Facebook because of legality issues we went through pertaining to bio father.
Any ideas? How should I bring this up to mom? Or should I file it away?
If you are hurt by it, I
If you are hurt by it, I would bring it up. Yeah, your wife might see it as an "attack" on your SS, but it may do you some good to at least get it off your chest. I understand how you feel. My SS had two friends sleepover the night before Father's Day. BOTH of SS's friends actually wished me a HFD when they woke up. My SS? Not a peep. Not until much later when he saw me hugging my father and my brother at our family picnic.
It used to hurt me that my SS didn't do or say anything on Father's Day. Now days, I am not surprised at all. I don't expect much out of my SS. He's a selfish little airhead whose sole positive attribute is that he's tall.
Your SS sounds like a little
Your SS sounds like a little asshole. Show mom the FB message and don't start with her as mad, tell her, " I saw this and it really hurt me because XYZ". Remember to say that you care about your SS and you wanted him to be a part of the day and what does she think you and her could do to help this situation. If my SO approaches me in a way that is civil about my BD11 I'm much more calm and responsive. The same goes if I bring up SD8, if I start all mad and in an attacking way he comes out with his claws out and nothing gets solved. So use your feeling words and stay calm even if you really want to call him a little asshole down deep!
Same is true with me and my
Same is true with me and my DW. If I jump-start a conversation coming in on an emotional angle there is only two outcomes:
DW blames herself "I'm sorry, it's my fault. I should have told SS to wish you happy father's day."
A) DW defends SS "Oh but he's just a kid!"
I would definetly show the FB message and hope to god the wife doesn't react with "Why were you looking at SS's FB page?"
Draco- A You mean he's only
Draco-
A You mean he's only X? and then next year when he's a year older he is only Y! BAHAHAHAH When my SO says that about SD8 I'm like and next year she will be 9, good counting retard!
B Your SS is too old for DW to blame herself for him being a little shithead, he is old enough to know that he should have said HFD and been respectful. My BD11 was a baby for a little while, I've taught her manners, respect, self reliance, and now I stand back and let her handle herself and step in when she needs a little guidance. I'm not trying to have her for a lack of a better term " on the titty" the rest of her life!
I agree on both counts.
I agree on both counts. Biggest eye-opener for DW that SS was still "on the titty" (love that expression BTW) was when SS acted all helpless over having to make his own toast. He was 11 at the time. DW and I got into an argument over what SS is capable of and I said "He can't even butter his own toast!". DW didn't believe me. The following morning, I proved it to her. SS prances into the kitchen and says "I want toast!". DW pointed to the bread and toaster and told him to make it himself. OMG, the drama-tear fest that ensued! I should have filmed it!
Drac0- Feel free to use my
Drac0-
Feel free to use my saying, I'm from the south and I've got a ton of them hahah
Thanks all for the advice. I
Thanks all for the advice. I find myself having to approach these situations with extreme caution. If I don't do it just right then it blows up in my face and causes more resentment to SS15 and my wife and I to argue about it afterwards. I feel sometimes that bio parents really do not understand the situation step parents are in until they experience it for them selves. They say that parenting is the hardest job one will have to do. I believe that step parenting tops that.
Thanks again all
Please let us know how it
Please let us know how it goes! Teenagers suck to begin with and then when it's a step I think it multiplies that! Hopefully she won't freak out when you talk to her, if she does take deep breathes and try not to tell her what an asshole her kid is hahaha
I strongly agree that step
I strongly agree that step parenting is much more difficult than parenting because there is no real, defined role. You have to do all of the work with none of the recognition, attention, satisfaction, just learning that I'm not ultimately responsible for his (ss13) outcome. I dont even want recognition on fathers day from him, i think we deserve our own day. His dads wife stays out of EVERYTHING, she is a doctor and wont even intervene when he is sick, and I am taking a page out of her book!
So I brought it up to the
So I brought it up to the wife. As usual there are no consequences. She compared it to when I was mad at my dad and used to vent to my friends. I told her it wasn't about that. It was about how he puts on this front to everyone about how he respects me and such but this is how he truly feels about me. Also told her it's very hard for me (impossible actually) to respect someone who is so openly hateful towards me. It's gonna be a rough couple years, (he turns 16 next month) but things seem to be getting better. Wife does not come down on me as much anymore. Thanks all for the advice.
There are proper ways for a
There are proper ways for a teenager to vent. Going onto a social networking site to exclaim how much your parents suck is not one of them.
Oh but just you wait and see....Mark my words, one day, your SS is going to "vent" about your wife,.... Let's see if your wife is cool with that then.
Print the message, one copy
Print the message, one copy for SS, one copy for mom, and hand it to them at the dinner table. Then ask SS what his problem is and inform him that he just assumed live in beck and call boy status in your home. When you are doing chores he is with you doing the heavy lifting or he will be a very miserable young man.
After a few weeks of this new reality ask him how much he truly hated you before he bared his own ass.
Consequences work to drive clarity for idiots. Your SS qualifies.
IMHO of course.
Rags that is a very good
Rags that is a very good idea. How ever wife wouldn't be on that side of things. After explaining the situation to her she just accepted as "he was venting". I also agree that social media isn't the place for things like this. I have closed my Facebook account du to the fact that he could see everything I was putting and always responded with something stupid. I never really used it much anyway. When I was a ten I vented about my father to my friends in person. Not where everyone could see it.
Two more long years left on a life sentence.
How old are they Dad?
How old are they Dad?
My ss is soon to be 16 My bio
My ss is soon to be 16
My bio son is soon to be 11
You are not alone, SS17 does
You are not alone, SS17 does absolutely nothing around the home and does not care if its fathers day or birthdays...heck he barely remembers his mothers birthday or mothers day.....but you can bet he never forgets his dad on those days. It hurts and honestly just concentrate on the relationship you have your biological son and be there for your SS if he asks. As for helping out, I recently fenced in my yard, my son(8yrs old) wanted to and did help me where he could, SS17 didn't lift a finger and could care less that I was single handedly fencing in our yard.
I had some of the same issues with SS when he was 13, he would be a total smart ass to me and disrespectful. I told my wife about it and she was more upset with me and said I was being hard on him.....until one day SS did not realize that Mommy was behind him watching and hearing what he was saying and doing...I can remember that was the day she realized how he was really acting.