She gets her way again!
For some reason, I knew this was how winter break was going to end! Though part of me is feeling some bit of joy, at the same time I am even madder!
DH gets a call from BM tonight. Seems after getting into trouble here for sneaking out while spending the night with a friend to meet boys and getting picked up by the cops, SheSloth has been spending Christmas telling BM how awful it is here! The way she tells it, everyone here puts her down all the time, yells at her all the time, etc. So now, BM is demanding that SheSloth move back in with her, and supposedly the stepdad is onboard with this!
Yes, for the most part, I'm thinking good riddance. So why am I so mad? I feel used!!! By both SheSloth and BM! I've even told DH this..."So, when she gets in trouble and BM can't handle her, it's dump her on us to 'parent' the girl. But when that is actually done, then we are in the wrong and she snaps her out of here? What happens when she is caught smoking pot again, or sneaking out of their house again?" I didn't say it tonight, because DH is still too upset, but the girl is NOT moving back into this house again! DH thinks it is SheSloth that is being manipulated by BM...instead of seeing reality that SheSloth is the prime manipulator here!!! Get into trouble...run away to the other parent rather than face the music! I give it just a couple of months...tops...before BM is trying to dump the girl back on us! That isn't happening!!! At least the girl will already be back at BM's when she ends up pregnant...because she is certain to now!
Seriously...I so saw this coming! The girl is so ungrateful! SheSloth is supposed to come by to pick up clothes next week. I'm off tomorrow, and DH works. Think I will do a quick search of her room to make sure there isn't anything of ours in there like movies and such that she could try to sneak off with.
I'm almost tempted to contact the guard coach and folks at the high school here! I get this feeling something else is up that she is running from, as well!
On the bright side...I plan on cleaning house this coming week, now that it will stay clean longer! I'm sure we will be back to once a month visits again!
Absolutely I would tell your
Absolutely I would tell your DH if I were you no do overs. She's out for good. I loathe it when kids play parents against each other, and so many otherwise smart people fall for it. No need to tell her, just the next time she wants to move back tell her "the last time you walked out is the last time you're ever going to walk out of here again".
This is definitely a
This is definitely a certainty! I'm still fuming over all this this morning! I thought I was ticked when she got picked up by the cops. Like I said, I knew this is how the holiday weeks would play out, especially after she got in trouble. DH finally comes down on her the hardest he ever has, and rightly so...she got picked up by the cops for Pete's sake!! Something in my gut told me that once she went over to BM's, something was going to play out that would end up in SheSloth moving back in over there! I mean, DH came down on her for her grades (rightly so...she started the semester with only A's and B's the first grading period, and at the end, only her electives where A's...the rest were C's for the semester and she failed 2 exams). Then, she gets into trouble sneaking out, and thinks she is in the clear with a story about "just wanting to go get a soda", until I find the phone call that leads to finding out they were really out meeting up with guys! So, yeah...DH and I both came down on her...that is what happens when you are a teenager and you screw up! MIL upset with her? Justifiable!! The people she was staying the night with are her friends! Like I told her, my MIL is a respected person in the church community in this area. I'm sure that the girl's parents didn't think anything of SheSloth staying the night at their house and hanging out with their daughter..."She's ______'s grand-daughter...she has to be a pretty good kid!" I mean, why else is it that we parents want to meet the parents of the kids our kids spend a lot of time with? Because kids are usually a reflection of those people who have influence in their lives! Of course, this poor couple had no clue! I even thought to myself, "Surely...you can't be serious letting SheSloth spend the night at their house! I'm afraid she may talk that poor home-schooled girl into something stupid!"
So, yup...get in trouble and run!! I didn't hear the whole conversation last night. I had a bad headache, and had already gone to bed, when I was awakened by DH yelling out in the TV room. When he realized he had woken me up, he took the call outside. From the small parts he has shared...everyone does nothing but put SheSloth down and make her feel bad about herself...MIL included in this! I can only imagine what was said about be, but I think DH is afraid to say knowing that I would probably blow my top! I do know that SheSloth is claiming that DH does nothing but yell at her (so maybe he has actually yelled at her the last week...um...and it was all deserved).
Like I said, DH believes SheSloth is being manipulated by BM, but I know it is the other way around. I'm also certain there is way more to this than her just getting in trouble here, as she has been talking about "putting up with alot of bullshit" on Instagram, as well. I'm pretty sure something has been going on at school because of the way she treats people, and instead of owning up to it, she wants to run!
That is going to be the tough
That is going to be the tough talk that I'm going to hold off on for a few days...let the dust settle a bit. DH is very hurt right now. I understand why, too. SheSloth used him...he doesn't want to acknowledge it, but he knows it is true! He also feels very much lied to...and he was! I mean, he had just asked point blank if SheSloth wanted to move back in with BM, and the girl said she wanted to stay here!
I totally agree...we have to shut down that revolving door! When SheSloth gets in trouble again, and she will, she cannot come running back here...BM will have to live with it and actually parent! She can't wipe her hands of the girl and send her to us so that she can go back to being her best friend! We aren't sending SheSloth to BM!! We were fully ready to deal with the trouble, and I was proud for DH to come down on her as hard as he did! No, this is SheSloth running away so she doesn't have to sleep in the bed she has made!!
SheSloth WILL get into big trouble again...it is just a matter of when. Sure, I'm certain that there have probably been all these rules laid out as conditions for her return...and she will act all perfect for a couple of weeks. Then, she will get back into sneaking out of the house, missing school, smoking pot, treating people in that house like crap, not doing her homework, etc. When she does? Oh well....not my problem!
Now is the time for you to
Now is the time for you to lay down the law - she doesn't come back- get it in writing if you have to!
You have a good head on your
You have a good head on your shoulders, and I agree with everything you have said. DH finally stepped up and parented with this latest fiasco because desperate times called for desperate measures. I mean, SheSloth got picked up by the cops while out with family friends of MIL! Teenagers change their minds like the wind. Whoever is nicest and gives them the most stuff is the parent they want to be with. When one parent brings down the hammer and deals with inappropriate behavior, the skid goes running to the opposite corner. This is how the skid gains power and avoids confrontation as well as any boundaries that may be set.
Like you said, you were prepared to KEEP SheSloth at your home and punish her, not send her off to permanently live with BM. SheSloth is just trying to avoid disaster with DH by running to BM, her ship in this latest storm. This is why I always tell my DH that skids need BOUNDARIES. Otherwise they get out of control. My SD19 was never given boundaries and is a tantrum- throwing 19yo. What would be nice is if BM could continue some form of punishment while SheSloth is at her house. SheSloth thinks she's skipping off to the path of freedom, which she probably IS, but wouldn't it be funny and justified if BM had consequences for this latest fiasco as well?
I think you're right to let things calm down a bit with DH. Don't even bring up that SheSloth isn't welcome back on a permanent basis until the shit hits the fan again. Like ctnmom posted above, "the last time you walked out of here is the last time you'll walk out again." Problem is, BM will be giving DH a bunch of crap when SHE can't deal with SheSloth anymore. It's called parenting. You and DH were doing it, were willing to continue doing it. BM is in for a surprise. Does DH have a CO about visitation or anything? I forget.
Even though this has been a mess, CONGRATS for getting SheSloth out of your house! BM can deal with her not wanting to get up for school, sneaking out at night, being bad, etc.....all in due time!
~ Moon
There won't be any kind of
There won't be any kind of punishment. BM is too busy feeling sorry for the girl...everyone came down on poor SheSloth and made her feel 2 inches tall!! Really?
Even if she didn't get caught the other night, I was certain that she was going to convince BM to let her move back before the end of winter break. DH has been setting more boundaries since the yearbook thing. I think his eyes were opened to her lies then. There is a visitation order, but BM has already hinted that she doesn't intend to follow it, saying that he will see SheSloth "whenever she has time"! BM is convinced that SheSloth will automatically be accepted on to color guard at the new school in time for winter guard season! It will be funny when she isn't!
Which reminds me, DH may not like it, but we need to have a serious talk about extras! This whole time we have been covering EVERYTHING without any contribution from BM. It may be hard for DH to accept, but there needs to be no help on extras! He will be making his child support payments again, and it should ALL come from that! No jazz shoes, no guard stuff, no class ring, no letter jacket...all these they need to get with the child support and their funds! And if they can't afford it, the girl should be told no! Seriously...if this is how she is going to treat us and not have any respect or consideration to even try to spend time with her father, he needs to stop being the one to save the day and buy her what BM can't/won't!
I forgot that this means
I forgot that this means SheSloth will be changing schools. How far away does BM live?
Yes, you and DH need to put your foot down on extras. Money is tight and it's not your problem that BM can't budget CS. SheSloth can get herself a job and BM can drive her to it!
SheSloth is in for a rude awakening!
BM is about 20 miles from
BM is about 20 miles from us...down in the city. Being in the city gives SheSloth more chance to get in trouble! I do know the guys she snuck out to see do not go to her school, so she will probably be sneaking out more to see them. Pot is also easier to get there than here...yeah, no high school is pot-free, but it is more difficult out here. Basically you have to know someone willing to go to the city to get it, and SheSloth isn't in good with enough people.
I agree, SheSloth could get a job. She is really close to fast food places an a grocery store. Will she? I doubt it! If she does, wonder how much money will go to buying pot? Oh...that's another extra! If SheSloth gets busted for pot, don't come crying to us for bond money!
I'm thinking, SheSloth probably boo-hoo'd to BM that I wont let her drive, so she will never be able to do stuff! Just waiting for BM to demand DH pay for driver's Ed so the princess can get her license! Nope...that is an extra!
It is time for SheSloth to learn she can't treat people like crap!!! The girls in guard will probably be jumping for joy when SheSloth doesn't come back after break!
My prediction? SheSloth doesn't get into guard...is told she has to try out at the end of this year for next. With idle time on her hands, she will start smoke my again. As she must stay with BM now (as I won't let her come back), girl will be pregnant by her 17th birthday, and will drop out of school. BM will blame everything on DH, of course!
Duplicate
Duplicate
I met DH for lunch, and we
I met DH for lunch, and we had a chance to talk. I told him that I'm done...I feel used and taken advantage of by both BM and SheSloth. He tried to defend SheSloth still, insisting that he doesn't think she is the instigator in all of this, but I let him know where I stand on that issue! I told him I'm done being a revolving door...when SheSloth starts skipping school and smoking pot again, I'm NOT getting a call from him saying that she is moving back in because BM can't deal with her...I'm done! BM will have to actually be a parent and deal with the mess that she has made!
And to no surprise, BM is trying to get more money for child support than she was before sending SheSloth to live with us. She is trying to claim that she promised SheSloth that she would get all this stuff for her...including those braces! DH told her good luck with that...the court order says X and that is what she is getting! If she wants more, she can try to take him to court over it, but he can't give her what he doesn't have! He also pointed out to her that she is supposed to be contributing half, and, well, we have had her for the last 2 years and BM didn't contribute a dime! Not to mention, he is still on the hook for insurance, and we are still paying for SheSloth's cell phone. We would be more than happy to drop SheSloth from our phone plan and let BM take on that bill if she insists on more child support! At that point, I brought up the "extras" discussion...pointing out that the last 2 years, BM has done nothing to contribute, so he needs to start saying no when she calls for things like jazz shoes and such...that is all part of what child support should be covering. I also used it as an opportunity to throw in there that SheSloth turns 16 in just under 2 months, and at BM's, there are plenty of places to work that are within walking distance! She can get a job at Wendy's, the grocery store, etc. Surprisingly, DH agreed with me on this. Basically, if BM wants more money, she can try to go to court for it...which she more than likely won't. Can't say how many times she has threatened court, but has never gone. If she does, guess DH will need to get a second job to cover the child support if she is granted more money!
And just as I suspected, SheSloth is telling BM that I'm a b***h...another non-surprise. I told DH straight up, "So, when she can't control her child, then she needs my help to set her straight, but when I do just that, then I'm a b***H?" DH said that he actually defended me, saying that SheSloth may get the impression that I sound mad all the time, but that is because I'm frustrated with SheSloth never doing what she is supposed to do! All that SheSloth was ever expected to do was clean up after herself, and take out the trash...that's it! Yet, she is always leaving a mess behind her, doesn't pay attention, cops attitude with everyone in the house, lies, etc. And when she does stupid stuff like getting picked up by the cops for sneaking out of the house during the early morning hours, yeah, I'm going to come down on her!
Thankfully, I think DH has warded off BM coming to our house. I asked him when he was going to get our house key from SheSloth. I flat out told him I didn't trust her or BM to not try to come get stuff when we weren't home...that I don't want her to have access to the house without us here. He said he was going to work on a time to get it from her, and in doing so, he decided it would be best if he came and got SheSloth, brought her to the house to gather her things, and then take her back. That is probably the best plan, because if I see that woman right now, I'm sure to give her a piece of my mind!
Toward the end of our conversation, I put a couple of things in DH's mind to think about, and let him know where I stand on them. I brought up the potential of SheSloth getting pregnant. I told him there was no way in hell she would come live with us if she got knocked up, that we would NOT be helping with doctor appointments, and BM better not even think she can get more child support or expect DH to pay for any doctor bills related to it! DH said I needed to try to think positively, and I pointed out I was thinking realistically! SheSloth was already sneaking behind his back with boys, what did he think she was going to do at BM's? She was already sneaking around before! He did agree that should the "unthinkable" happen, BM is on her own.
It was funny, at one point we were talking about how SheSloth treats people. DH agrees that BM is the main influence there, but keeps insisting that one day SheSloth will change because we have taught her the right way. I pointed out that the ways she does it gets her what she wants, so that is how she will keep doing things. DH thinks that one day, when BM is gone, it will change. I told him, "Yeah, right...by that time she will probably find some poor schmuck like BM did that will give her whatever she wants! Unless she is forced to change, she won't change!"
Don't you just love how these dads have such belief in their spawn? Every time he goes on and on about how it's not SheSloth instigating this kind of crap, that she is really a good person under it all, etc., this scene comes to my mind:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0x-fkSYDtUY
Exactly! I can promise you
Exactly! I can promise you that SheSloth will not call DH at all unless she "needs" something...jazz shoes, this or that for guard, a dress for prom (which I can promise you she will find a way to go to this year, as BM loves for SheSloth to go to dances), etc. Otherwise, DH can call or text all he wants, and the girl will ignore him! Worst thing is, we pay for her phone! You would think she would show common courtesy to the one who pays her phone, right?
Speaking of phone...yes, since she is now officially living with BM, the punishment is off. DH had given SheSloth her phone to go to BM's so he could get hold of her. He neglected to lock down. Since BM called last night, SheSloth has been constant on her phone!!! Surely, she is contacting all her hood friends to tell them she is back at BM's. Seriously...we should lock the phone down...but then BM would scream about it, and right now, that phone is one of the things DH is using on her to argue why she doesn't "need" more child support than she was getting before dumping SheSloth to on us (ie providing a cell phone is NOT in the court order, and if she insists on an increase, we would be more than happy to cancel SheSloth's line and they can provide her with a cell phone).
But seriously...we are still going to have a difficult time over the next 2 years. BM is bound to DEMAND that DH help get SheSloth a car...help with class ring...etc. Hopefully DH will get that he is just being used, and put his foot down and stick to the order! He is only required to pay his child support and half of ESSENTIAL medical and dental, as well as insurance. I'm hoping when SheSloth ignores him for weeks on end (because she will), that he will see he is really just an ATM and learn the value of the word no! It is time to stop trying to buy her love, and dish out some tough love!!
And as I suspected, BS20 was not happy about SheSloth pulling this crap! He agrees, it is better for me because he knows how miserable she was making me. But how she did it? He is not happy about.
Exactly! She needs to deal
Exactly! She needs to deal with confrontation and with consequences for her own actions! She gets into big trouble at BM's, she runs to DH and cries victim. She gets into big trouble here, she runs to BM and cries victim! "If I move in with the other parent, I don't have to endure my punishment!" What is she going to do in the real world when she gets into trouble?