Recovering 26y SD destroying our marriage
}:)
My husband and I met almost 7 years ago (married almost 5). When we met his kids were 15b, 18b, 20g, 23b and mine were 15bm 13b, 11g (who their father alienated from me -- another nightmare -- I haven't had a relationship at all with them in 6 years.)
Anyway... our nightmare is my SD, now 26. When I first me her, she really impressed me. 20 years old, her own apartment, her own car, full time college student, worked full time. WOW! I was still reliant on my parents when I was in college... she was really impressive.
Then she met "him", her 'dream man' when picking up her insulin at the drug store (she's been an insulin dependent diabetic since she's 12). We met him and he just rubbed us wrong... hardly anyone's dream man.
A few months later, she came clean to her mom and dad, because her younger brother was going to turn her in to them. They worked at the same place (a restaurant). She was fired for stealing out of someone's purse. (what?) She quit college. (what?)... and was a heroin and cocaine addict (WHAT?)!!!!! (Her 'dream man' saw her unlimited supply of needles and he wooed her over - right into drugs.)
We took her that night to the hospital, which has a rehab center in it, and she was supposed to stay for 3-6 weeks. Three DAYS later, she signed herself out (there was nothing anyone could do - she was over 18 and rehab is not mandatory).
Over the last four years she has been in and out of jail, stole from everyone in the family (in fact her mother's boyfriend won't allow her to be unsupervised in his house and certainly not spend the night because she's a thief and a liar). From me? When I was in the hospital having surgery (not just any surgery - a bilateral mastectomy because I had breast cancer) she cleaned out -- CLEANED OUT -- my jewelry box, pawning all of my grandmothers', mom's and my jewelry (my grandmothers and my mom have passed away). When I found out, she was staying her briefly, my husband approached her on it, she admitted it and was thrown out. Everyone, including her mother, had my back to press charges against her. My mom's and grandmas' jewelry was appraised and I was awarded $12,000 in restitution to have it remade. (Her uncle offered to lend her $2000 to 'pay me off' and she was expecting me to write a letter to the courts that $2000 was okay. I flipped out when my husband actually brought this up to me!! Absolutely not! A stranger wouldn't accept that, I'm not!)
Well, she got out of jail for the third time last year and she had no where to go but HERE. I wasn't thrilled, obviously. We have to hide everything. But,now, over a year later... she's still here and making absolutely no effort to leave. She goes to her "meetings" (which are her excuse for everything), works part time/minimum wage (just enough to support her $10 a day cigarettes), is supposed to pay rent but never has, is supposed to help with some of the bills but doesn't -- including her cell phone bill.
I'm at the end of my rope now. If she does buy something (especially food that she buys with food stamps) she WRITES HER NAME ON THE FOOD so no one touches it -- it's hers. She has even put her initial on the lids of bottles of water so no one drank HER water (that someone else always buys). She doesn't drive. She caused an accident, really hurting someone while uninsured. She was sued for over $50,000 and obviously lost (she thinks that's just going to 'go away'), can never get car insurance (we had to sign waivers that if she took one of our cars and got into an accident the insurance wouldn't cover anything); so she thinks we are all her personal taxis. She never gives anyone gas money, so I finally put my foot down and said that MY car is completely off limits to being her personal taxi. She's not even allowed in it.
She is a clean freak with her bedroom (that used to be my walk-in closet/home office because they have to keep their cells clean. She will clean the kitchen once in a week but makes sure everyone knows, as if she just earned a purple heart for doing something.
Otherwise, she does NOTHING but walk around in her robe with a cup of coffee, on her cell phone (that I pay for) and goes outside to smoke (when her father is home - she smokes in the bathroom when he isn't here, even though there is no smoking in the house).
She is making NO effort to get a full time job, to help with any bills, to even cook dinner when the rest of us are at work (one of the boys is a full time student with a part time job, the other works full time with a lot of overtime - and they both help in the house).
My husband and I used to be absolute best friends, long before husband and wife. Now, all we talk about is what's for dinner and then fight about her. She is also the "master" of the temper tantrum. I see and hear 8 year olds have these tantrums when I'm out shopping. That's nothing compared to seeing a 26 year old woman have them. She's so jealous of what her brothers have -- new iPhones (they buy them), unlimited friends allowed over (they are good kids not the drug addicts she brings over), their girlfriends (every boyfriend she has had is an addict -- and she can't understand why they are such lousy boyfriends -- THEY ARE DRUG ADDICTS!!).
Six months ago, she said she was spending the night at her mothers (which I thought was strange). The next morning, my husband and I were having a relaxing morning having coffee and just talking like we used to when there was a knock at the door. It was the police looking for her and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend was wanted in 4 counties. He used OUR address as his and she was using his last name because she was still on probation and not allowed any relationships with addicts. They were missing for days. The police kept us updated and she was hiding him somewhere. My husband kept calling her (she didn't know we knew what she was doing) and she kept lying about where she was. Eventually, they must have been trapped and he turned himself in. She just came home, like nothing happened -- and to make it worse -- my husband never said anything to her as long as she didn't get arrested and was safe. WHAT??? She was harboring a fugitive! The police were here three times and called all the time looking for them. As long as she's safe?
I've started looking at homes to move out. He makes every excuse for her because he doesn't want her to use drugs again, but she doesn't know how to live as a normal adult in society. Her Daddy protects her from everything.
I know not everyone is the same at every age, but when I was 26, I was a college graduate, married, had kids, a full time job, a mortgage and 2 car payments. She barely has enough money to buy cigarettes and nothing else. She's supposed to have her money for the cell phone and she never has it, so Daddy covers her.
I love my husband. We've been in counseling and the counselor has even said he has to stand up and treat her like and adult and give her a date when she has to be out. I fell in love with my husband because he was completely the opposite of my constantly-yelling demanding ex. Now the soft soul that I fell in love with is TOO soft.
I have no family, he's all I have and I love him to death. His boys are absolutely wonderful. I have no issues with them living here. They are helpful and grateful for everything. I would never, ever make him decide between his daughter or me -- so it's going to be me.
I can tell when she walks in the door without even seeing her. The air just gets thick and I can barely breathe.
I had a horrible first marriage of violence and abuse. I got out of that -- it will stay with me forever and I don't even have my kids because of him. But, now when I should be looking to the second half of my life being happy with my husband, enjoying his grandchildren (his oldest son and daughter in law had their first baby in June), but no... I'm living my day gritting my teeth, being furious all the time or crying because I just can't live like this anymore.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but it was easier to live with my ex who treated me physically and emotionally like a punching bag than with her. I now feel like the outsider in the house. It's my husband and his three kids -- and me, who just happens to live here.
I love him, don't want to lose him, but I don't think I have much of a choice. My opinion doesn't matter anymore.
I'm devastated....
Thank you. Unfortunately,
Thank you.
Unfortunately, when she was released from jail, she had to move into a relative's house because she had to be watched and was basically under house arrest, with a little bit of give. We had to take her to her PO every week, 6am wake ups for random drug testing that we had to take her to Ugh!
When that phase was over, and she could go on her own, I searched and printed those out... even CONTACTED them for her. I contacted her PO about halfway houses for her, but there is a waiting list a mile long to get in one, because NO ONE's family wants their addict family members living with them. I contacted the Housing Authority to get her into their apartments. She refuses and he backs her! (There's a waiting list for that too.) Why should she go? She has the life of luxury here... cable, cooked dinners, free rides... why leave?
The uncle lives with her elderly grandmother (and cares for her). But my SD isn't allowed there any longer than one night (and only if they are home) because she's stolen from them too...
I don't have any advice, but
I don't have any advice, but *hug*. You sound like you could use one. That's really a tough situation to be in and your DH isn't doing her any favors.
Change the locks for a key
Change the locks for a key code lock and don't give SD-26 a code. Inform DH and the boys that if they share their individual codes with SD-26 that they won't get a code either and everyone will wait on you to get home.
And BTW .... SD-26 is never alowed in the home, ever, for any reason. If you find her in the home you will have her arrested.
End of problem either way.
Or .... buy a new home and move on with your life. Don't forget to take far more than half when you go.
Thanks... but the house is
Thanks... but the house is HIS. My name isn't on it, because his ex took him to the cleaners, just like mine did to me.
Both of us were financially screwed by our ex's. I just never, ever expected anything like this to happen!
My SD used to always remind me that I was living in HER mother's house (even her mother said it's not her house).
She never paid rent? Next month I'm paying rent, my cell phone and that's it. I'm taking my car off our insurance and am going to pay for my own by myslef. I'll buy my own food.
Let's see what happens when the bills can't get paid!
Thank you for your comments.
Thank you for your comments. She's driving me absolutely crazy... but I'm glad to read that this horrible situation isn't just ME.
Right now... life is temporarily worse because the week before Christmas, I fell and broke my leg (Merry Christmas!). I'm completely stuck, can't even see a house because my damn leg is broken. Only she was home (everyone else was at work - I was leaving for work) and I had to call her to come help me get up off the ground. She eventually came out and stood over lecturing me about where I should have stepped so I didn't fall -- "Shut up and help me up!!!. I hopped into my car and took myself to the hospital (I broke my left leg), where complete strangers helped me in and out of the car and my younger step son came home from his friend's house where they were all watching football to help me in the house (we have steps and I couldn't do them without help).
He took me to the doctor the next day, postponing plans with his girlfriend, when I got my cast on and got me completely set up and comfortable until I told him to go back to her.
I have dogs that came with me into the marriage (at least I have them as friends). The boys wake up to let them out (I don't want her near them, she just complains if they even bark -- she's a cat person), and my younger step son works close by and comes home to feed them for me so I don't get hurt.
I was here alone Christmas Eve (and fell),, Christmas Day (and fell), yesterday when everyone was at a Christmas party (I didn't do anything where I could fall). My husband went to his parents' house, where we always have Sunday Family Dinner. I'm trapped here with her, she goes somewhere every Sunday, no one knows where or with whom. You can hear a pin drop, but the tension is horrible.
My husband thinks I'm going to be fine and 'get over it'. I'm not!
Thank you for your responses to make me realize that what I'm living isn't just me being a nasty step-mother. No one should have to live like this.
Thank you! My youngest step
Thank you!
My youngest step son will stay with his dad. They are extremely close. (Having my kids emotionally stolen by my ex, I would never, ever do that to anyone else.)
Why was I alone at Christmas? Well, I can't leave the house with this damn leg. But, my husband's oldest son lives away and he doesn't get to see his granddaughter often.) His son NEVER comes here when they come up to visit -- they go to his brothers. I know it's because of her.) Anyway, everyone was at his parents' (they are in their 80's) for Christmas, his sister and her fiance and kids and his brother and his wife... but most importantly his 6 month old granddaughter. I completely understand him wanting to be with his granddaughter. I spent the day hanging out with my Black Lab. What was forgotten until he got home (at 10 pm) was that while they were eating all day, our fridge was empty. I had Chex Mix for Christmas dinner.
I have completely gone off on him. I've run out of words, yelling, being quiet... it doesn't matter - I've tried everything. We've gone to counseling and he won't do what they say he needs to do. I told him I want to go to Alanon (and counselors said the same thing) so he can see that what he is doing is not helping her. He won't.
I've made the argument that you ended your comment with. As long as she thinks she's "helping" addicts, brings them home as new boyfriends (she has another one every month) and her friends all only being from NA or AA meetings... she isn't totally sober. Maybe she isn't putting the substances in her body (she's on suboxone so she would be deathly sick) but as long as she surrounds herself with people who are addicts and none of them are making any attempt to be a real, functional member of society... she's not sober - through association. She's only been 'sober' for a little over a year. I personally don't see it lasting.
I have no family...
I have no family... absolutely no one.
Neighbors? SHE grew up here and, although they know everything she's done and been through, they believe her Academy Award winning performance of being wonderful. I'm the "new one" in the neighborhood. I can't get help from neighbors to get away from her when they all think she wears a halo.
My ex completely controlled my every move and I wasn't allowed friends. I went 15 years without any friends. I have some "friends" from high school and college on Facebook, but no friends that I could call and would show up to help me.
How do I handle this? I cry. I cry a lot. I would love to be out of here, but until I figure out how I'm going to get a house, I'm stuck. I know people say to go to a shelter, but then she totally wins. If I go to a homeless shelter (where she belongs) I'll have absolutely nothing. I can't even work.
Thank you everyone. I'll keep you posted. I'm hunting for somewhere I can get a mortgage (or a rent-to-own would be perfect) until I get back on my feet, especially get my finances all in order.
Do you have a friend you can
Do you have a friend you can at least take your dogs and rent a room? Seriously it sounds like you have accepted how bad things are and have become accustomed to it. Its not healthy and every day, minute, second you spend in the house, is time you are showing your H that you are continuing to accept the status quo.
Theres a LOT of power in walking away and to show what you will and wont accept. We show people by what we do not what we say and clearly your H is showing you how much he sees you as an equal partner in this (not).
This happened to me and now we are stronger than ever as I was prepared to walk away from his enabling ways and I wanted him to experience what its like to have lost me. I said I hope SD20 makes you happy and can keep you warm at nights.
If it was me, I wouldn't waste another moment planning or saving for my future. If you want out, get out now and things will fall into place. Seek out financial support in the mean time. Anything surely is better than living in the toxic environment as you are now. I felt sick reading it...I could feel the familiar tension welling up in me...I can only imagine how you must be feeling.
I've looked into renting
I've looked into renting rooms -- no pets -- nowhere. I've looked into and called outside sources for help -- no pets. As sad as it is, they are the only friends and family I have.
I haven't accepted it. I hate it and everyone in the house knows it. SS21 completely understands - sees it - and doesn't blame me for feeling the way I do, but she is his sister, no matter how much she pisses him off.
I refuse to become accustomed to it. I grew accustomed to getting beat up by my ex. Through counseling and taking a HUGE step backwards I couldn't figure out why I stayed. Then I realized I stayed for the reason most battered women do -- for the kids. They didn't know.
SD20 was this nightmare SD when my H and I met. She's now SD26. I don't have an SD20. I have Black Lab 11 that will keep me warm at night!
I plan on leaving. My H will not push her to even get a full time job. Something to get her out of the house and bring in a paycheck to get on her own. I can't and I refuse to live like this anymore. Unfortunately, this damn broken leg delayed my plans. Even if I found somewhere to go, I don't have anyone to help me get there.
I know this sounds crazy, but unless someone experienced a totally controlling relationship (my 1st marriage) I honestly do not have ONE friend in "real life". My friends on Facebook in cyber space and all over the country can't help me. I don't have anyone to turn to... no one. I've received more help from this site than I have in a year because I have no one to talk to but my counselor (who is doing everything she can to get me out of here). My H and I have gone in together to discuss this horrible living situation. She has gone to counselors that specialize in addiction and just treats addicts. My counselor came back and told my H exactly what they said (like give her a date when she had to be OUT, for example) and he just won't do it. He treats her like she's 10 and that's not going to ever change.
It's on me. I have to get out. We'll see if he misses me. Deep down I want to say yes, but I don't think he will.
Thanks... I have every
Thanks...
I have every intention of getting my own place. It will be on him then if he wants me in his life. I totally agree with everything you said, but financially, I didn't have anywhere but here. I just got a good job after losing my good job two years ago and was working just to get all of the bills paid. I didn't have an extra cent for myself. I will now.
I'm not living this life of hell for the second half of my life. I already lived a life of hell with my ex... .I know I deserve better. I shouldn't come home and walk right into a stressful situation. I'm done with that. Been there... done that. I would feel less alone if I was physically alone than I do now in this house. It's very lonely.
LOL... damn leg. Hopefully the cast comes off in the next 2-3 weeks!!! But thank you for the wishes!!!
His boys will be at work.
His boys will be at work. He'll come home to her sitting on the front porch on her cell phone smoking.... lol....she just can't wait to collect welfare and have kids.
She mentioned having kids to her 84 year old Grandmother (who is a sweetheart). She, naturally, said that she had to meet a nice boy first and get married. I can't imagine this and I had to pick my chin up off the table when she told her grandmother "You don't need a nice boy or marriage to have a baby. You just need to have sex with someone until you get pregnant."
I've already made it VERY well known, that I am not raising her child when she gets knocked up. No freaking way. Her grandfather said HE will put it up for adoption. I wouldn't doubt she's trying to get pregnant now. She has this false idea that she will finally have someone who loves her unconditionally. Her mom and I put in on the line for her, letting her know that the baby doesn't come out of you hopelessly in love with you. She had other brain damaged ideas.
I need to get out of here before she comes home with a pregnancy announcement. I wonder how my H will handle that one??
Ugh!!! Thank you to all of you again! I appreciate it!!!
I actually am lucky that I
I actually am lucky that I have another job waiting for me when my leg heals. I'm in architecture and went from a great job, to no job, to a minimum wage job, to 2 jobs! It just took 2 years. I let the second Firm know about my leg and they are great and laughed at me (that's why it's called an accident).
They said it wasn't a big deal because they are closed so much during the holidays. I'll just start when I can get around better!! A few weeks, I hope!
You just can't let these
You just can't let these loser kids back under your roof! You are not alone in this situation. Sadly it's all too common in the day of "child worshiping" and raising entitled brats.
My ss30 has tried several times now to move back in with daddy. He just drops out of life and expects some family member to take care of him. Once I gave him the benefit of a doubt to help him get on his feet but he just slept on the futon for almost 2 weeks, did nothing but eat, play video games, go through my things and steal small items. DH blamed the missing items on the cat. The next time it was about a week, same thing, pot, sleeping and video games. The last time he played sleep over I told DH that ss30 had to leave with him @ 5:30 am when he went to work because I was not going to deal with him all day. I could hear ss's fit yelling, begging daddy to let him stay. I've become the bad guy, the evil SM, the wedge between the two (according to ss30). I make him feel uncomfortable in "his" own home. If ss ever drops out of life again we've agreed to pay for the night in a hotel. He's not sleeping here!
And it's not just steps, my DD who is a great gal now, went through a patch of bad boyfriends, drugs, self harm etc. Anytime she is under my roof she reverts back to rebelling against the mommy. She's almost 20 we have a good relationship but she knows that she can never live with me. I'll help her get out on her own but not by taking her under my roof.
What a mess you're in. Sorry you're going through this. Reading your posts encourages me even more to continue being the "evil" one and keeping the lazy adults out of our home.
Well... I had one hell of a
Well... I had one hell of a day, that almost ended in a nightmare, but in a small way karma got her for once.
I have 4 dogs -- the oldest is 15 and his health has been failing. He woke up this morning in the worst shape he has ever been. I cried for hours and he never even perked up a little, so I made the dreaded call to the vet and an appointment was made for Buck to be put to sleep at 4:15.
I cried all day...
At 2, I had to go to the doctor and have a new cast put on my leg, where I cried and the nurse is a huge dog lover and she started to cry for me too.
I got home and got on the couch. Buck came up on top of me, stretched out, laying on me and fell asleep with his head on my shoulder and both front legs wrapped around my neck. I cried as I watched him sleep.
The dreaded time came to go. I sat up and he went to the door in the kitchen, he needed to pee. The Bitch was in there making a cup of coffee (wearing her pajamas and her robe and getting her cigarettes out -- remember it's 4 in the afternoon). My husband was upstairs. I asked her to let him out. She ignored me. I yelled at her to please let him out. She ignored me. I finally said, while crying "Bitch -- this is the last time he will ever go out." and she said "Good!" then started yelling for her father to come down. Poor Buck peed by the door.
With everyone yelling he went from being so calm to being worked up and scared. He and my husband left and she and I continued to scream at each other. She went upstairs and I yelled to her that karma is a bitch and she slammed her door.
My husband called about 1/2 hour and I started to cry. What? The doctor said what? The doctor said Buck is definitely suffering from old age, but the things we thought were major problems with him had easy solutions, his heart and lungs are strong! Yes, he has lived a long, great life... but there's no reason to end it now. BRING HIM HOME!!!
She must have heard me so excited that my poor doggie that I thought was already on his way to doggie heaven was COMING HOME!!! She came down, stomping down the stairs and I said... "He heard you bitch and I told you about Karma. Buck heard you saying 'Good' that he was going to die. He's not! He's coming home!!... you Bitch!!!"
My counselor is wonderful and knew how heartbroken I was this morning when I texted her that Buck was so sick. Then I called her when he was on his way home. She has told my husband several times before that his daughter relies on this lifestyle TOO MUCH! My husband and I got in a fight again. The 'labeling' of everything she deems as 'hers' is over. Guess what? She's going to label things and I can't use them? Okay... let's go there... the dining room table? MINE... the living room furniture? MINE... the dishes, bowels, mugs, glasses, silverware? MINE... the washer and dryer? MINE... the bed she sleeps on and everything around her she uses? MINE... does she really want to play this game?
I did what I swore I wouldn't. I gave him an ultimatum. He has to choose. I'm giving him until tomorrow night. I have an appointment with my counselor tomorrow and want him there. I go to counseling for years because of the abuse I survived with my ex. I feel like I'm being emotionally and mentally abused here every day just with her being here. I absolutely refuse to do it any more.
I already told him too... if you choose her and you think this divorce will be easy... you are SO WRONG! This will be all about the emotional turmoil I had to survive because of his daughter and I won't have to worry about finding a new house -- he will be buying me one.
No matter what, I want my own house. Even before she came here, we agreed that we would get a house of our own after his youngest son graduated from high school. That was three years ago, and we still live in his ex-wife's house. I'm done with that.
If he wants to come with me... he's welcome. His sons, their girlfriends, wives and certainly his grandchildren are welcome. His family is always welcome. She will NEVER be welcome... ever!
Been there with my SS about 4
Been there with my SS about 4 years ago. I was crystal clear with my DH when he got of rehab - NOT COMING BACK. We agreed the best place for him would be a halfway house (which we agreed to pay for 6 months) but of course he got kicked out after two weeks for using. He was in out of rehab and his BM's husband would not let him live with them either.
SS disowned his parents because noone would put up with his CRAP anymore and nobody was going to give him a penny. He moved to Kansas to feed off his real birth mother (he was adopted). Good riddance.
You have to GET HER OUT OF YOUR HOUSE. Not healhly for anyone - your DH is an enabler.
Sounds to me that your SD
Sounds to me that your SD needs counseling for herself and I think all 3 of you could benefit from group family counseling to make steps to get her back on the road in the right direction.
I've made the decision that I
I've made the decision that I am putting myself first and searching online for a small house with a nice yard for me and my doggies.
Good fro you. You deserve
Good fro you. You deserve better than this. (((HUGS)))
I read this entire thing and
I read this entire thing and I am sitting here crying at all you have had to go through. How do you do it? The part about Buck tore at my heart -- I am a big dog lover! I have 4 pups! I'm so glad he's going to be alright! It's nice to hear that you are taking the initiative and putting yourself first. Your situation is impossible. IMPOSSIBLE to stay in. Your SD26 needs to have her ass handed to her. I am going to PM you.
~ Moon
Addicts are the most selfish
Addicts are the most selfish people on the planet. They lie, they steal, they do anything they can for that next high. It's just the way it is. It sounds to me as if she is still using, whether or not she is going to meetings. If she were really working the AA program, she would be striving for self-sufficiency.
And your DH is big time enabling her behavior. She, and she alone, needs to be responsible for herself. Completely responsible for housing, expenses, job, everything. If she is willing to work through a rehab program (there are many types, some residential, some with sliding scale fees) they will help with housing and finding a job. Your DH needs to get out of the business of "helping" because he is definitely doing the exact opposite. He is harming her. Until she is willing to take responsibility for herself, she will continue to use and abuse people and substances.
Is your DH willing to go to an Al-Anon meeting? Talk with recovering addicts (who are serious about their recovery)? Learn about what he should/should not do? If he is operating on solely emotion and doing what a dad does to protect his child, he is doing the wrong thing. He can't protect her from addiction. She is an addict. Will always be an addict. He needs to learn about that and STOP giving her a cushy place to land.
My SS has completed his 2nd residential recovery program, and he is currently in a half-way type situation. It is REALLY hard for my DH not to "help" SS. I hope SS is clean. I like the guy -- kind hearted, smart, funny -- but I'll never, ever trust him. Addiction is a terrible, terrible thing and those of us associated with addicts really need to learn what to do and what not to do.
Getting yourself OUT of the toxic situation is exactly right. Stay strong, take care of yourself, be healthy.
This is such a sad situation,
This is such a sad situation, there is no good solution to this, addicts are so selfish and disruptive to the family unit and especially confusing to the young ones. I feel for you, I have a drug addict in my family who has done just about everything imaginable to serve them selves,steal, hock other family members personal items, con, lie....you name it, he did it. I for the life of me can't figure out how they can worm their way into our homes and keep manipulating the way they do with no thought for anyone else.
Sometimes it has to come down to what we do rather then what we say that makes a difference and gets the FULL attention of our DH. It sometimes seems thay respond to what we do rather to what we say, even if it's over and over screaming at the top of out lungs, they don't seem to HEAR what we are trying to tell them or get across. If I were you, I'd try to find a place to move for a "time out" just so you can get a grip on your feelings. I feel for you, I also am a dog lover and have two dogs I could never leave as they are my Children. I love them and they are devoted to me. Your in a very tough situation. It may seem hopeless but keep the faith, there is a solution to this problem, don't give up and Please try you best to put your needs first, it's very important you take care of you...and don't feel guilty about doing it sister.
To get one of these Drug users to LEAVE is a task because they don't go on their own, they typically have to be removed in most cases. I also do agree this individual isn't being forth coming and I would bet a lot of $$ they are using but just doing it on the down low.
I fully feel you definately should try to attend a Alanon meeting, they are so helpful and you will find your not alone, this is a very common problem, and there are many people in the Alanon group who possibly can offer some suggestions that may be of help to you and your situation.
Gods blessings to you sister I will remember you in my prayers and hope to hear some good positive news from you in an update <3