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How long have you been married?

alittlepinot's picture

Submitted by alittlepinot on Fri, 03/27/2015 - 10:43am

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General Discussion

I am just curious to see how long everyone has been married to their spouse and been a step parent. Maybe a little bit of inspiration that people can survive and thrive in a blended family with step kids. Feeling a little anxious as the skid weekend approached.

ctnmom's picture

Submitted by ctnmom on Fri, 03/27/2015 - 10:57am

Married 32 years in April. SS37 is biologically DH's nephew, they were a "package deal" for me when I was 19 and DH was 20.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Fri, 03/27/2015 - 11:40am

My bride and I will celebrate our 21st anniversary this coming summer. We met when SS-22 was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. We married when DW was 18 and I was 30.

The Skid is doing great and he and I are very close. He joined the USAF nearly 4 years ago and plans on re-enlisting towards the end of his current 6 year enlistment. The bride and I are having the adventure or our lives.

mommy0104's picture

Submitted by mommy0104 on Fri, 03/27/2015 - 1:04pm

I'm envious of this. I was hoping that once my skids got older, they would also see that my DH and I tried to do the best we could. But their judgment was, and still is clouded my all the "shiny things" BM bribes them with. This even includes a $400,000 5 bedroom 3 bathroom home in an affluent area of Florida (near all the beaches and tourist attractions). Even though SD21 lives with us, for now, her ultimate goal is to eventually move in with her mother. DH refuses to buy his kids' love..and since they're still so in love with "things" they act like they just "deal with us" and BM is their one and only true parent. The only comfort I have, and I guess it's a big comfort, is that I know that no matter what, my bio-kids love me regardless of my financial situation. I consider that a pretty big win in my book. But I'm glad that you and your SD are getting along Smile

mommy0104's picture

Submitted by mommy0104 on Fri, 03/27/2015 - 1:19pm

I think that's some of the problem with my skids. They cannot think for themselves. Ever since I've been with DH, BM has dictated every aspect of their lives. Even when we take the skids grocery shopping with us (they're 21 and 17) and we ask them if there's any thing they want..we get a deer in the headlights look, then a list of the stuff BM gets. Plus when they both got a little older, we explained child support and showed them DH's check stub where it shows the CS deduction..again, the deer in the headlights look because they're so use to seeing cash (or credit) in hand exchanges. If they don't physically see money change hands, they don't believe deductions occur (which is crazy because SD21 has a job and know they deduct things out of her check..lol) I think things might be a lot different if my skids were allowed to come to their own conclusions. I know I cannot force it, and I won't try, but I guess all I really really want is for them to love their dad. I'd say that they do, but show it in a weird way, but the skids have been known to tell everyone how much they dislike their dad..it's sad really.

mommy0104's picture

Submitted by mommy0104 on Fri, 03/27/2015 - 1:56pm

DH keeps telling me that one of these days, his kids will see how their BM truly is. I guess I just have to be patient, because as soon as all her money, or credit runs out, I'm sure they'll turn their backs on her too. She would rather be thousands of dollars in debt than have her kids love her simply for being their mom.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sun, 03/29/2015 - 6:36am

Request a comprehensive CS statement from the CSE office. When they see the total line it makes a big impression. Highlight it in florescent green, hand them a copy, and say ... "That is how much your dad has paid your mom for your care and feeding over the years. How much of that have you seen her spend on you?"

Clarity, it is a great and powerful thing.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sun, 03/29/2015 - 6:42am

Thanks, it is just our story. Not all bad, mostly good, but it is ours. I too wish every blended family marriage could be as reasonably drama free and enjoyable as ours has been.

My bride is the do it right element of our marriage and I am the do it now element. Together, we tend to do it right .... and do it now. Right now takes on a dual meaning in our world most of the time.

Sometimes I have to drag her kicking and screaming forward to address issues aggessively and promptly, and sometimes she has to drag me kicking and screaming to slow down and do it right.

It works for us.

Tuff Noogies's picture

Submitted by Tuff Noogies on Fri, 03/27/2015 - 11:48am

together 7, married 6 1/2.

some blended families thrive, other shrivel up and die. it really truly depends on the partners involved.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sun, 03/29/2015 - 6:44am

Amen to the PARTNERs element. If there is no equity partnernship at the core of the blended family, the longevity of the marriage is limited in the overwhelming majority of cases.

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Fri, 03/27/2015 - 12:58pm

Widowed for 13, With DH for 9 and married in June - 6 years.

Marriage is good as long as BM and SD18 are out of our lives. Grateful every day for DH.

twoviewpoints's picture

Submitted by twoviewpoints on Fri, 03/27/2015 - 1:22pm

35yrs. Sometimes it feels like 90, others time as just yesterday. Married at age 20.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Submitted by ChiefGrownup on Fri, 03/27/2015 - 4:31pm

Married 2 years. The first year was the hardest. So many moments of shock and awe.

It really does depend on the partners. You have to have some relationship skills, not just love, to take this on.

As we head into our third year, we feel solid and know we will figure it out somehow.

It helps to pause and consider how far we've come every now and again. When we first married, I was afraid to be alone with ss13 because I didn't feel qualified to care for him (autistic). Fast forward to now and I picked him up from school (though it's BM's day); got him all the way through a book report at home and did a history assignment as well; then took him with to pick up dad cuz my car is in the shop so I've got his. I texted dh at work to say how well the boy's lessons were going and how pleased I was. Dh got all emotional at work he told me later. Pretty awesome upgrade from being afraid I couldn't even babysit him.

BTW, people say "teens are awful." Not necessarily. Sd was horrific at 13. And at 12. (and still is at 15) SS was a pleasure at 12 and is a pleasure at 13. Harrumph, I say.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Submitted by BarkAtTheMoon on Fri, 03/27/2015 - 3:34pm

Widowed at age 26. No bios of my own. Met DH 7 years ago. Married 5 years ago. SDs FT for 2 years since BM died. I am 45 and feel 90.

But I haven't lost my mind! Biggrin

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Submitted by Pilgrim Soul on Fri, 03/27/2015 - 3:56pm

First marriage: together for 12 years, married for 10. Two skids, then two biokids with husband #1.
Eventually a great relationship with BM and her partner, big family dinners with skids, BM, MIL - i would say
that kumbaya spirit lulled me into believing it is always that great in step-families.

Second marriage: 7 years together, married 3. Several years of turmoil after the wedding due to personality disordered BM, PAS'd skids,.
Endless court case, BM going out of her way to make DH's life hell. The works.

We are in a better place now but my god, knowing that the man i love is chained to a lunatic with a bomb does not give me
warm fuzzies. We are a loving family where my kids, my extended family, his extended family all adore DH and accept him completely.
He is a fantastic guy, a real mensch. But the drama....

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Submitted by Pilgrim Soul on Fri, 03/27/2015 - 4:55pm

You realize that we are a self selected group of embattled
second wives on the receiving end of emotional abuse dished out
by disturbed first wives. But what if no one is disturbed
and everyone gets along? There is a large group of step
families out there that can.make it work. They don't need
this forum. I miss them! I used to be one of them

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Submitted by Pilgrim Soul on Sun, 03/29/2015 - 1:37pm

Oh no! The Hungry ^^^^ Monster rears its head again! What were you going to say, Chief?

ChiefGrownup's picture

Submitted by ChiefGrownup on Mon, 03/30/2015 - 1:05pm

Your comment about "I used to be one" had made me laugh in a wistful way. The rest of what I had written has vanished from my brain. I can still say it was certainly a good point you made abut us being a self-selected group and so forth.

jam's picture

Submitted by jam on Fri, 03/27/2015 - 3:59pm

Dated for a year & a half, married a little over ten years.

3 skids, two estranged from us, one for a little over five years. I found the more I did for skids the crapper they treated me. The one skid that we currently have a relationship with had gone 1 1/2 years estranged from us. Since she has come back into our lives I don't bend over backwards like I did before the estrangement.

I learned that if you are dammed if you do and dammed if you don't, you are better off with the DON'T!!!