Step Son Coming to visit
Let me preface this by just being honest, I hate kids. I dont wish them any harm but I hate them. I never wanted kids and it was never in my life...till I fell in love and things change, you adapt. My fiances son is 5 years old and lives across the water in Ireland with his mum and her new boyfriend and their baby so he doesnt visit much (which suits me fine). Future step son is as lovely as a 5 year old boy can be and has always been very loving and sweet to me. I like him as much as its possible for me to like children (which isnt much). He is coming over to stay with us for a week during his schools half term and I dont know how to deal with it. Last time he came over he stayed with us for the first time when previously he had stayed at my fiances mum and dads. He'll be staying with us again this time but I cant stop thinking about last time he was over. Though it went well and we had some nice moments, I felt really out of place and couldnt relax in my own home. I felt constantly on edge and like I could never fully relax because he was there. Words really cant express how happy I was when he left. Do any of you know what I mean? Do you have any tips on how to feel at home in your own house with a step child there? The kid doesnt do anything to make me feel bad, like i said hes a very sweet wee boy, and my fiance is always checking I'm ok and making sure i'm alright (he knows I hate kids, he hates them himself actually with the exception of his own) so its nothing anyone is doing, its just that hes there. Any help would be much appreciated since I hate feeling edgy in my own house!
If he visits infrequently,
If he visits infrequently, could you not plan a nice get away for yourself and a girlfriend? Or vise versa, send DH and SS on a little adventure of their own? If not, I would go out of the house and not return until his bedtime. You'd be surprised how little you notice a kid when they're asleep.
I'm wondering why you hate
I'm wondering why you hate kids so much. You make it sound like this one is OKAY and not a horrible stepkid like many of us here have. I myself used to say I hated kids, but that was something I programmed myself after a painful miscarriage and the knowledge that I would never be able to have a child of my own. I don't really hate kids, but I pretended I did for MANY years.
If you find it so uncomfortable to be around this child for even a rare visit, I agree with yogasmom that you plan a getaway for you or them or make yourself scarce. This child is 5. It will likely be MANY years of him visiting so if you cannot deal with it, plan on years of strained visits or you/them being away for the visitations.
It is difficult getting used
It is difficult getting used to having a kid around when you aren't used to one being there and life certainly changes. Add to that, the role of your partner changes and they are suddenly a parental figure rather than your lover and they may also try to encourage you to take on a parental role too. It can be difficult to adapt.
I found that over time I have gotten a lot more used to having my SD around and me playing a part in her life. I am not sure that you will be able to get used to it so easily if the visits are infrequent. If you do make this work then that would be great, I think that one step would be to try to forget your mantra that you "hate kids". You obviously don't as you said that this kid was ok, but he just got in the way a bit - so he was an inconvenience rather than a figure that you hate. If you can train yourself to stop saying that you hate kids and just accept any children that come into your life as people that come with their own personalities and own inconveniences I think that it might go some way to helping you let your wall down and helping you to relax around your SS.
As others have said, try to make sure that you take time out for yourself and your usual routines when he visits. This way you give him and his dad time to bond and you get some adult space and time alone.
I would though think very carefully about the possibilities of what could happen in the future. Life changes and one day there may be some circumstance that results in your SS living with you and your fiance longer term. Would you be ok with that? Have you discussed that with your fiance?
I know how you feel. I have
I know how you feel. I have never been a kid-person, no desire to have my own, but fate brought me to my boyfriend who has two! I thought I could force myself to adapt, but once we moved in together it got harder because I feel as if my home is being invaded. Like everyone else has said, it helps to get out and to do your own thing. Go out with friends, go out for some alone-time. I'm afraid I don't have any advice on how to make things feel completely comfortable, but it can become tolerable over time. Some days are better than others. I think maybe it's more difficult for girls like us that aren't really "kid-people" because it's hard to force something like that.
We just get them on the weekends which is tolerable, but the CO says he gets them for 2 weeks in the summer, and those are the most difficult 2 weeks of my entire year, as shitty as it sounds. Like you said, you feel like a stranger in your own home, can't relax, it just doesn't feel like "your" home anymore.
Kids eventually grow up though, I think as they get older it gets easier, but I have yet to encounter the teen years but so far I feel that I can tolerate the older one much more now that she is gaining a sense of maturity and responsibility.
Just make sure you set your boundaries early and firm so that you aren't pushed into things and situations that you just don't want to do, i.e., babysitting, kid moving in permanantley, etc..
And then SS comes to live FT
And then SS comes to live FT with you and your DH as his mother can't stand parenting a surly teenage boy... And step father encourages SS to go live with his dad..... Same sex children generally end up with that parent. SS16 lives with us FT. BM wanted her freedom so she could be with her BF who hates SS16. It's been hell.