Sorry, but I wouldn't invite my siblings ADULT step kids to my wedding either. Honestly, I think it was rude for you to call and question him about the invention.

If you don't want to go, don't go. Your husband sure as heck can't force you to attend.

Well, another exclusionary wedding. Hate to say it, but what else is new among steps? Weddings are meant to bring families together, but in the case of steps, it is often used to divide them, and there can be very long ranging consequences from this that step-kids, in particular, often do not see. My personal feelings are that your husband can choose to go and you can choose not to go. I wound not give into any pressure from your husband and SD. A wedding invite is just that, an invite. It is not a summons to attend. It is one thing to determine, in order to keep costs down for your wedding, to not invite all second cousins or something like that. But, to invite some children, even if they are adults, and not others, that is quite different.

Your husband will try to get you to attend any way he can. I speak from experience. I told my husband I will not be attending his SS’s wedding after a very enlightening experience, shall we say, at his SD’s wedding. He is actually scared to attend himself; that is the real reason. He wants me there as a buffer or sacrificial lamb. No. Stay firm. He can go. You don’t have to.

They are all adults so I guess for me, it just depends on how close this niece is or isn't to your kids. My younger brother got married last year, I doubt it even occurred to him to invite my SD24, they have not seen each other since they were kids and even then, not often. It didn't bother me or my DH one bit, we didn't give it a thought, actually (until just now!).

If it is a formal, sit down dinner reception, this could also make a difference and again, would depend on the relationship.

I really do not understand you having to go to show support for the bride's maid. :? Going because you are DH's wife and were invited, sure, but to support your SD?

If you don't want to go, don't go. Like stated above, an invitation is not a demand to be there.

If they basically don't know your adult children I can see them not being invited. Especially if it's one of those $100 a plate receptions. That could be an extra 10 people.

But you do not have to go to this wedding. Again - not a command performance. I would not have called to ask about your children. That was wrong. I do not think you should create WWIII by complaining to one and all about why you are not attending.

Just don't go. Is the SD who is a bridesmaid developmentally delayed? I can't think of any other reason she would require support as an adult to stand up in a wedding.

Whether or not your SD is bridesmaid should be a non-factor in your decision to attend or not. This is your BIL's daughter and your DH's niece. Wedding is about bride and groom, not the bridesmaid and bridesmaid's dress. If you have a close relationship with BIL/niece, go. It should have nothing to do about SD and any guess list expectations based solely on you and husband being married.

You've given no details about how long you've been with your husband or what of if relationship exist between the adult children. No indication of 'family' involvement between your children and your husband's niece. How does anyone here say it's stepfamily exclusion when nothing has been given on the dynamics of any of the chosen participants/non-participants of the event?

Oh hayell no!!!! No one goes including your DH. If he goes under current invitiation conditions make sure to rekey the locks while he and his spawn are gone and they can stay gone. Let him know the choice he is making in time enough for him to stew over it for a few days then hold up a a key as he leaves the house. Make sure the Locksmith van in sitting on the curb waiting to go to work as he pulls out of the drive way.

If he wants to play the "you and your kids are not as equal as me and my spawn are" game, then win it and put he and his entire shallow and polluted clan gene pool on the curb.

I like games as much as the next person.... I also win. Period. Particulatly when it comes to the applying consequences to chosen toxic behavior game.

Bring the pain. And enjoy, enjoy, enjoy..... }:)

IMHO of course.

"She is already part of the wedding, it should not be about my step daughter, it should be about the whole family."

You are both SOOOOOOOOOO wrong. The wedding is about the bride and groom. period.

I think your DH is being an ass if he is ordering you to attend with a threat of divorce. But you are being an ass by trying to force others to pretend like your ADULT children belong to your DH. If he did not adopt them he is NOT their father.

I agree with lady50, “only half the family is invited.” Cleary she sees her and her husband and their 8 children as a family, a package deal. Isn’t that what we all want or aim for? I know a lot of us insist we be treated as our husband’s wife. Wouldn’t it make sense that our children, all children in the family be treated as husband’s family? Or, are we saying just SM needs to be treated as family? Because I know a lot of us complain about how we are treated by our in-laws.

Plus, I don’t get this me-first attitude with brides, anyway. It is getting to the point where I don’t want to attend any wedding nowadays, because most of them wind up being a big show-off, stick-it-to fest more than anything else. If you going to go across the board and not invite all second cousins or something like that, fine. But, it you are going to exclude ½ of a family just because the word “step” is in there somewhere, I think that is exclusionary and just plain wrong. I don’t care if in-laws think they are family or not or how long lady50 and her husband have been together.

Did the invitation that came to your home actually say your kids are not invited?

Since all kids are adults, then they would have their invite mailed directly to them. Or in the case of your kids, no invite sent.

Can you please elaborate on the invitation. I am fascinated. If in fact it was stated how you told us, that would be the rudest invite I have ever heard of.

Both you and your husband are out of line.

My mom and dad(he's our stepdad, but very few people outside of family know that)have been married for 41 years. My stepbrothers (3) and stepsister are never invited to weddings on my mom's side. My sister and I were never invited to weddings on my dad's side. It never once occured to my sister, mom or I to get upset about that.

Your inlaws are not required to treat your kids the same way they treat your husband's kids. Your kids are not related to them. If your marriage were to end right now, chances are they would never see your kids again. However, husband's kids would still be in their lives.

Let me get this straight. All of the kids are adults. Are they all living outside of your home? Or do your kids live on their own and your three skids live with you?

If your three skids live with you, then invitation was address in a proper fashion.

If your skids live on their own, they should have received their own invitation and I would agree the invitation was rude.

Despite those particular details, you were completely out of line calling your BIL to inquire about the invitation. Clearly it was meant for your H, you and the skids only. It doesn't matter how insulted you are by the exclusion, you have no business dictating who your H's niece should invite to her wedding. Especially if your kids and the step-cousins are not close.

And excuse me.......what freaking man makes this big of a deal about seeing his (adult??) daughter wear a bridesmaid dress and supporting her role as bridesmaid in a wedding? Zero?? Maybe less than zero?? I have a distinct feeling this is your view of how he sees it and is not the reality.

Your marriage will be over if you don't attend? Seems to me there is a lot more going here (christmas presents being opened in front of your kids??), if that is the stance your H is making at this point. Attend or divorce?? Really?

Bottom line, based on your post and comments, you're being childish and making mountains out of molehills. Or this was just the final straw for you in a long line of in-law snubs over the last nine years.

Regardless, this wedding is probably the least of your problems. You should be focusing on the real issues surrounding your marriage, rather than focus on something so idiotic as who was invited to a wedding for extended family.

Why is it always about blood relations?

It is not always about blood relations. Again, what is the emotional relationship between your BIL's daughter and your adult kids? Just because you are married to this woman's uncle, doesn't mean she considers your kids her to be her cousins.

I guarantee you that my SD24 does not consider ANY of my family to be her family and DH and I have been together since she was 5. Over the years, my family has bought her birthday and Christmas gifts and made her feel welcome but the fact is, they don't feel like family to her. No big deal to me or to them, the emotional connection is just not there.

The invitation thing was weird, if none of the kids live with you, but they were not out of line just because they didn't invite your adult kids.

Again, it is not about who got invited. It is about my husband telling me to attend to support his 25 year old daughter standing up at the wedding.

The title of your post implies that it IS about who did and didn't get invited and the reason you don't want to go is because your kids were not invited. Your DH threw the thing in about supporting his daughter AFTER you said you weren't going because your kids were not invited.

Sorry ladies , but in this situation as she explained it in her post, I agree with Rags. My kids are 26,23 and 16, the older two launched when they were 17 and are wildly successful, 16yo is heading that way, I really have no reason to be over protective. But you don't invite my kids, then invite my husbands kids? I won't change the locks but I'm not f**king going either. And I might have called myself to make sure that was the case, because the exclusion was beyond rude.

"Clearly she sees her and her husband and their 8 children as a family, a package deal. Isn’t that what we all want or aim for? "

HELL TO THE NO!!!!!!!

How many people really want to include random adult skids in their "family"? OP wants to see them all as one united family. Her DH obviously does not. I think his view is more common. He's still an ass for trying to dictate what she does.

I think it's hard enough (but not impossible) to include skids in your family when you actual participate in raising them from young children. Grown ass adults - well no. I might happen. But it does not happen automatically.

I think lady50 may be more upset because she voiced her concerns and opinions to her dh and he poo-pooed her. Moreover, she mentions that her marriage may be over if she is not supportive of her dh because he will be upset if she does not attend. His dd is only standing in the wedding and not the bride, at least that is the way I understood it. I think the issue is a matter of principle for Lady50.

My advice is to be direct with your dh and put the ball in his court. Tell him these are my feelings. They are not his and that you are not asking him to own your feelings or even to agree with them. Also, let him know that you are surprised by dh, as you are expressing an opinion about something you feel strongly about, and all of a sudden you are not being a "good wife" if you do not attend. That you love him and your decision is based on principle and it is not about you rejecting him. You have considered all the issues and you still feel strongly about not attending. If you have a change of heart you will let him know.

If he chooses this difference of opinion to be the hill that your marriage dies on, then he has spoken volumes of his priorities. In that case, do not want to be with a man that would breakup a marriage because his dd wants him to be supportive of her and he is insisting that you also be supportive of her. My goodness she is an a adult not a 5 year old. It is not like she graduated from college or is getting married herself. She will probably speak to you and him for 5 minutes and then party when after the wedding vows are said. Your dh is an adult and he can decide whether to go or not, but you should not pressured or bullied to be supportive of something that you feel is not just.

My dh, we weren't even married at the time, used to yell and get very angry if I did not attend his Christmas visit with him to his friends house who had children the age of mine. My birthday is on Christmas and at the time my sons were living with me. He expected me to glorify these other kids while they entertained the guests and leaving my kids behind.

One time I pleaded with him not to be so upset, that I wanted to spend my birthday with my children. His answer "just because it is your birthday does not make it your holiday!" I still refused to go with him and he stomped out the door angry as heck. My dh was an officer in one of the service branches, he served two tours in a war and yet he hates going to visit persons he has known for over 50 years by himself. Once he got back, he forgot why he was so upset.

My guess is that my dh did not feel comfortable going alone, and was trying to bully me into it. I think that maybe your dh does not feel comfortable going by himself and that is why he is upset. Once he gets there, he will be fine as it sounds that he knows persons that will be in attendance, including his children. Let him huff and puff, he probably just nervous about doing it alone. Say what you have to say once, do not keep trying to justify it or try to have him see your point. Just let him make his own decision on his own time. Once you have said what you have said step away. Comes the day of the wedding leave the house and tell you him have made other plans, leave early before he even realizes you will not be there in time to leave for the wedding.

Best of luck.

Do your kids even care that they are not invited?
Mine would be jumping for joy. A wedding (that would be an obligation if they had an invitation) and they don't have to go. Mine would be thrilled.

Unless my kids were close to the bride or groom I wouldn't expect my kids to be invited.

Coming in a bit late in the game...
However I can understand why you feel hurt. Your DH has agreed that you are a complete family - all 10 of you - but when it comes down to it, he decides what is and isn't considered 'family'.

But... this is not a hill to die on. Nor do you have to go Just ask him if your family chose not to include his adult children to guests at a wedding, how would he feel? If he says it would be a rude thing to do, he is being a hypocrite. But if he says he wouldn't care, you have your answer.

He is making a fuss about his daughter getting all gussied up and spanxed into a strapless dress because he thinks this will make you feel more like going. Just tell him that this is his family and as his wife you don't want to appear rude and will attend. It is not to see his daughter in a dress but to witness a marital union that you hope lasts for 60 years. Then grab the registry list as fast as you can and select anything for the bathroom or kitchen. Because you KNOW the gift thing will be left to you, don't you? And nothing says how you really feel like "Don't know you very well but have fun with these silicone spatulas and knife set. Oh and the shower curtain." We gave my niece who had been living with her husband for 2 years but still had the full 3 ring circus wedding the 2 coolers that were on her registry. Yup on sale at Target that week.

Attend the wedding as a guest, enjoy the free food and play nice. And ease off with the expectations of others. If his family do not give your family gifts, the same rule applies. They can swap gifts out the kazoo but the list will be limited. I actually think you should cut out all gifts to his side of the family and let them know you bought a herd of goats through heifer.org for a 3rd world village under their names. Christmas is such a farce these days with the gimme-itis.

I really doubt your kids will mind. But the exclusion (once again) has brought out the momma bear in you. Lady59, they are grown and out of the house. Personally I would let the inviter know that you and DH would be attending however these are the addresses for your stepchildren as you are not privy to their social calendar and they may want to re-direct the invite. Did you notice the invite was for Skid and not Skids plus one?

I think the invite was rude by inviting 3 Skids who do not live at the residence - they are adults with their own address. Maybe they were trying to save on postage costs lol.

I understand why you would be upset that your kids were not invited but that is the bride and groom's call. Perhaps they just do not feel all that close to your adult kids.

Sounds like there are underlying issues at play here and exclusion of your kids has been going on for years at other family functions. This is the final straw so to speak and you are upset.

Unfortunately you cannot change this or control others actions. Of course your DH wants you to go to the wedding with him....but he is trying to bully you into it instead of talking it out calmly and with some sensitivity to your hurt feelings.

Once the anger and hurt wears off perhaps try to sit DH down and talk it out - but I think you should go and have a good time anyway!

Good luck.

Late to the game... and sorry if these have already been asked/answered but a couple of questions:

Were all the kids (his and yours) adults when you and your DH got married?

Do all of the kids feel like they are a big family? Do they feel like siblings? Do your 5 feel just as close to their step siblings as they do to their own bio sibling who they grew up with their entire life?

If all the kids were adults or close to it, when marrying at that stage, shouldn't the emphasis of family be on you and your DH and not on the both of you and all the kids? I would think that the kids are probably old enough that they are starting their own families and are less concerned with this family and maybe more concerned with their SOs and children.

Not sure why you and DH would need to support SD for being a bridesmaid. So your DH is kind of off in my opinion. Like hello she is standing up in a wedding. What does she want a cookie and a medal?

I'm guessing a lot of this frustration is coming from you trying to make everyone a family and feel like a family and your kids being left out in certain situations.

However later in life marriages with older kids, its harder to do that. Just because their is a marriage license that does not make you guys a family. Families feel like families and want to be a family. You can not force that on to other people to feel that same way.

My skids are all a lot older then my bio. It was easier (A LOT!) for my BS to accept DH as a parental figure and as family then it has been for the skids to do the same with me. They are already older and have their own mind set of who is their family and what a family means to them.

Oh and one more thing just because you and DH agreed to be a family and include all the kids as such, it doesnt mean DH's family has to follow that.

Okay and another thing to add... I have a sister that I grew up with and we are 3 1/2 years apart, she's older. Same mom and dad.

When I was freshman in college by dad and SM adopted a girl as a baby. They also have always lived 3-6 hours away from me since they adopted my adopted sister. So she never felt like a sister to me.

When I got married, AS (Adopted sister) was mad that she wasn't in my wedding because my bio sister was my maid of honor and my niece (Bio sister's daughter) was my bridesmaid. AS felt that because she was technically my sister that I should have had her in my wedding as well.

I wasn't trying to exclude anyone but I dont have that sister bond with her. If I was going to have more people in my wedding party, sorry but their is a line of about 15 other people that I would have chose before her. We just dont have any kind of relationship.

Lady50

I think this is one of those situations that will never change. I remember about 20 years ago I went to one of my cousins weddings I noticed two of my cousins (step children to my uncle) were not there. I asked my aunt, where are they? She said “they weren't invited.” I was shocked and really couldn't wrap my head around why they weren't there. We all grew up together from around 10 years old. They were cousins to me.

My aunt went to the wedding tho and I'm sure it hurt like hell that her kids weren't but she handled it with grace.

I think that's all you can do. Go to the wedding. Enjoy yourself with your DH. When people ask where your kids are tell them as nice as my aunt did that they weren't invited.

Some things in life are not fair and this is one of them but it is not a hill I would want to die on.

I, too, am late to this, but read OP's reply about how when you marry later in life, you do NOT instantly become one big family...instead members are part of various families. Dh and I have been married 4 years and we will NEVER be one big happy family. He hs 3 grown sons (all with mental & addiction issues) and I have 4 daughters who are normal people with jobs. My DD30 got married last year and although her 2 stepsiblings from her father were at her wedding, dh's sons weren't (thank God). They are an embarrassment. Glad our "family" picture only included dh, me and my daughters, although I only have the picture at the wedding which also included my siblings and their spouses as dh would hate to see a "family" picture which didn't include his sons. Personally, I LOVE it and wish his kids didn't exist. I have that picture on my desk at work.

So, I would probably go the wedding and just consider it dh's side of the family. My daughters would think it strange to be invited to any wedding on my dh's side of the family anyway. As DD28 said once, "They are your dh's family...NOT ours." Point taken.