Lost in the discipline
I need advice. I am divorced. I have 2 children from my marriage and a verbally and mentally ex wife. But they are not what I need advice about.
I have been in a relationship for the last 8 years with a great woman. She has 4 children. ranging from age 9 to age 13. I have been in there lives for the last 8 year. The younger 3 have not spoken to their biological father in over 2 years. And have only seen him one time in the 8 years that I have been around.
The problem that I have is discipline. They refuse to listen. To me or their mother. I come from a more strict family, where every bad action had a consequence. I try to instill the same in them. I try to explain to them that I understand that mistakes will be made. And if they make a mistake, own up to it. Accept the consequence for their actions, learn from it and move on.
Mom on the other hand grew up in a much freer house. Her parents really didn't care much what she did. But when they did discipline her, it was very harsh and physical.
This is not what either of us want to do.
The problem is this. Even though we have household rules that are very clear. It seems that they don't care. We can spell a situation, step by step. If you do this, this will be the consequence. They will still do it. And they will tell you that they knew they weren't supposed to and that they knew they would be grounded if they did it. But....they still did it.
Now, this is very frustrating for me. Especially since if I am the one to catch it, and I hand out the punishment.... they go cry to mommy and it ends up being "overturned". End then mom turns on me and tells me that I am too strict. This even happens when her and I discuss a punishment before hand and agree on it. They whine and complain and she backpedals. And then argues with me.
Dont get me wrong, when they are good. They are great. I love them to death. I feel that they are MY KIDS....
But, I am to the point that I feel that I am just supposed to be here and shut up. Allow them to act how they want and just watch and sometimes even reward them. Am I wrong for feeling that way? Please help........ 
9 to 13 is perfect paddle to
9 to 13 is perfect paddle to the ass consequence ages. So, bring the pain. A pair of stinging butt cheeks tends to close the open circuit between a childs brain and poor behavior. Add a trip to the wood shed for a talk with the gunners daughter to the gounding. It will give a whole new level of clarity to the youngsters understanding of consquences.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
I am not talking abuse. I am talking measured and effective consequences for unacceptable behaviors.
IMHO of course.
Or starting with the older one.... Military Boarding School. Young Cadet leaders eat kids like your bride's toxic spawn for a mid morning snack.
I don't believe in beating
I don't believe in beating children. However, I do agree that spanking is an acceptable consequence at times. One of the things that is going on in our culture is that children are losing some of the fear (I don't see that as a bad word) of their parents. When I was ten years old, I knew that if I talked back to my mother, I was likely to get a whipping with a belt. I think I talked back to her exactly one time. I have seen too many situations involving divorces and step children where they kids begin pushing their parents around. It often works because many of us feel guilt over our divorces. Kids are great manipulators and some will push you right up to the edge of a cliff if they can.
If other forms of discipline work than that's fine with me. I do think though too many parents are afraid to use a consequence like spanking when it would do some good in terms of establishing the authority of parents. When I married my second husband, my youngest stepson could be a real brat. We decided on spanking as a form of discipline for him and its about the time its behavior drastically improved.
The moral? All kids are different. If you can parent without spanking than by all means do so. However, if you've tried just about everything else and it hasn't worked, maybe a trip over mom or dad's knee is what that child needs.
I agree Wendy. I did spank
I agree Wendy. I did spank one time and they kids went to school and told the counselor. So of course we got that phone call. As a step parent they say that I do not have the right. So the next time the issue arose.... mom spanked them... My hand to God, they laughed at her. We are both at a loss at this point. We are honestly considering turning them in to the state.
I am in the same boat with my
I am in the same boat with my son and my boyfriend. My son does not want to listen or respect my boyfriend. I am looking for advice but being blamed for my choice and not give help or ideas except move out.