How do I move on and possibly forgive
I have decided to finally make my first entry. I don’t usually write here but I wanted to get this off my chest.
I have a ss19 and bs20. ss was being poisoned by his mother ever since I married my husband. He would come here and cause so much fighting it was unbelievable. He would spread awful lies about bs and me. My husband always tried to discipline ss but it was no use. He would just go back to his mother’s house where he would be rewarded. Going through the legal system was also useless.
When I got pregnant, ss, then 14, laughed and said I would have a retarded baby. I just ignored him. I refused to let him know how much it hurt me. Everything hit the breaking point when our son was born and he had many life threatening conditions. I overheard ss telling his friend how our newborn son was probably going to die and it would be better if he did. I lost it. I let out all the hurt I had pent up. It was not my best moment. But I couldn’t take it anymore. Luckily, my husband heard ss too. He told ss that he would only see him at my in-laws from that point onward.
This made ss angry and he refused to see his father for a long time. When our son died a year later, he didn’t even call. He didn’t even come to the funeral even though my father went to pick him up. After that I was done. I told my husband that I will not try to have a relationship with ss anymore. I told my husband he can do what he wanted. He would see ss whenever ss felt like he could spare a few hours over the years. But ss was still always disrespectful. When ss got into college, he asked my husband for his college fund. My husband got really upset and told that ss had completely treated all of us like shit over the years and he would not be giving him any money. And if ss was willing to change his ways over a few years then they can talk about having a proper relationship again.
They had a huge fight over it. Next thing we know, we are hearing that ss is telling everyone that my father abused him when he would babysit out kids after school. The cops got involved and interviewed my son and my father. Both of they denied it completely. My own son came to me crying, saying it was a lie. I went to my 82 year old father and had to hold him as he cried in my arms. He pleaded with me to believe him. I told him I did. He passed away two months later. I personally believe the stress killed him.
Now, all the cop stuff is over because my father died. I never jumped to my father’s defense. I just kept quiet. I didn’t know who to believe. I lost my business because of the rumors and I am penniless. My husband is the only one bringing in money now. But what really tears me up is that on Thanksgiving weekend , I talked to ss in walmart and asked him if he was telling the truth. His exact response to me was: “Even if I lied he’s dead anyway.”
I now feel like ss made up the whole story. But who can I tell? I just cry alone thinking about what my father went through before his death. My husband has been tortured with guilt. He doesn’t know what to believe but he is siding with ss just to be safe. He has started paying ss’s tuition because of the guilt. This Christmas I have decided not to go celebrate with my in-laws and my son isn’t as well. I feel embarrassed and guilty. I’m also afraid I won’t be able to control my anger when I see ss.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I have considered leaving my marriage. But I have nothing right now. I need to get into a better financial state. Thank you for reading this long story. I hope my entry looks ok.
I do feel incredibly angry.
I do feel incredibly angry. However, I still don’t know if ss is actually lying. It’s his word against my father’s. Since he is passed away, I feel like my father can’t even defend himself. He was very flippant when he made that remark in walmart and I don’t know what to think.
I was molested as a child and never told anyone. I know how serious it is. I don’t want to defend my father without solid evidence that ss lied. It kills me to say this. My husband now thinks ss’s past behavior might be due to the possible abuse and has basically forgiven him for the years of bad behavior. I feel helpless and depressed.
What would forgiveness get
What would forgiveness get you? The chance to be vulnerable again and for this horrible person to say more hateful things? What's next, your bs be the subject of a vile accusation? You?
What exactly would be the benefit in forgiving a rattlesnake winding around your ankles?
I am hoping forgiveness will
I am hoping forgiveness will let feel less angry and upset. I feel sad almost everyday.
Forgive yourself and let the
Forgive yourself and let the rest take it's course.
I believe this attempt at
I believe this attempt at forgiving this wretch will lead to depression and some symptoms of nervous breakdown for you. I don't believe it will lead to peace. At least not any time soon.
I believe your rage will protect you from forcing yourself or your son to be around this snake. Your anger is an important tool in self-protection. Being around him (via forgiveness) would only put you at risk of real danger at worst and of psychological danger at best.
I'm no expert but I don't think real victims say things like "What does it matter if I lie, he's dead" especially knowing he essentially hounded the man to death with this lie.
The legal system says until a case is proved beyond reasonable doubt, the defendant is presumed innocent. Your dad died an innocent man then. And the "case" against him stank to high heaven. I doubt it would have gone any where at all.
I am sorry for your loss! So
I am sorry for your loss! So heartbreaking to lose a child and a father, and have your SS (who apparently still resents your "intrusion" into his life.) saying such horrible things.
I have an almost-similar situation, so I know the pain of words and the pain of being lied about and lied to. My SD17.5 - about a month ago, I told her she was mean, that people want her around but she is hurtful, and she totally lost it. I guess you could say she was sort of justified in saying all the horrid things she said, but I truly believe she meant every word. She said she hated me, and that I was disgusting for wanting a baby of my own (I am too old, at 48), and she said that I was a crazy b!tch, and that no wonder my youngest brother killed himself, she would too if she had me as a sibling. She also said I was going to hell, did I understand that...
So then she of course was taken to BM's house the next day, and told her BM that I was the one who said I hated HER, and that I called her names. I only found out, because BM asked DH a few days later if it was true. BM is always finding reasons to hate me and get mad at me and tell DH what a mistake he made not getting back with her, and staying with me. WELL, of course he told her what had REALLY happened. Thank God he had been sitting there watching the whole thing, the entire rant and yelling by SD17.5, while I just shook my head and said "ok". Because otherwise it would be her word against mine.
We had an argument about a week ago and she tried to tell her father that he was choosing his girlfriend over his daughter, by standing up for me and telling her she needs to show me respect in my own home. She apologized and requested an apology from me, so I did, and we are on speaking terms, but the hurt just doesn't "disappear" magically. It takes time for the hurt to heal. It takes time to build trust again. Your SS isn't interested in a relationship with you, and if he doesn't want you, then the whole thing is off, pretty much. Your DH will always be divided, however you MUST protect yourself, no matter what. If your SS is telling the truth about the abuse, you still need to protect yourself and BS from him.
2 years ago, when I told my SD17.5 that she was being a bully and being hurtful, and shared my experience that words and bullying and bad treatment had caused my brother to become depressed and commit suicide, she tried to come back with "Your telling me that because of me, my sister will kill herself". When asked, my other SD10, will admit truthfully that her sister has been mean to her, has hit her, has called her ugly and stupid, and that she is indeed AFRAID of her. I call that being a bully. YOUR SD sounds like a classic bully. You cant back down, but you have to avoid as much as you can. The unfortunate part is that, in your absence he will speak badly about you, to others, and try to change their perceptions of you and your BS.
Good luck!
Thank you for the advice. My
Thank you for the advice. My son has completely written off ss from his life. He was as upset as me when my father was accused of abuse. I have let him make that decision and I think it is the right one.
It will be difficult for me because of my husband but I think I should also not have any interactions with ss to protect myself as well.
It sounds like you had a stressful time with your sd as well.
OMGosh, I thought my SD56 was
OMGosh, I thought my SD56 was a mean cruel person; your SS takes the grand prize. I am so, so sorry for you and the loss of your baby and father. I lost my two sons in a car accident, when they were teens; you have lost too much and been put through pure hell. I cried, when I read your story. Bless you.
I cannot imagine the hate you must have for this treatment. I hope you can get some help, either through a counselor or a person that can listen and help you through this. I also hope you can think about a new future for yourself. Stay here with us and we will also try to help.
Between my DH betraying me to SD56, the loss of my sons, and the treatment I let myself take for 30+ years, it took a counselor, friends, and this site to get me to love myself again and change my own destiny.
You don't deserve this, nobody does.
Lots of ((((hugs)))).
I am so sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss. I have seen a counselor when my younger son died. But after this accusations, I have pretty much isolated myself from everyone but my husband. I can't afford counseling right now. I cant' even show my face in public anyway.
Thanks for the hugs sammi.
Reach out to a friend and
Reach out to a friend and stay here with us. My girlfriends have been as helpful as my counselor. You can also obtain self help books at the library; I purchase (used) and read several self help books and then donated them to my Counselor's office for other women.
"To Stay or to go"
Any anger management books
Dealing with anger books
Dr. Dyer writes some wonderful advice; of course he has passed recently, but his advice is priceless.
Friends and self help advice from reading is free. Good luck and more (((hugs))).
^^^^^THIS^^^^^^ God Bless
^^^^^THIS^^^^^^ God Bless you!
Thank you for sharing that. I
Thank you for sharing that. I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been for you. I never saw any warning sign. My father was an incredible man. When he broke down in my arms, I knew in my heart he couldn't have done it. But I agree that it's only natural for my in-laws and husband to believe ss. It just makes me feel humiliated and angry.
My husband continues to see ss outside the home, which is good. The number of visits as well as cash gifts have increased unfortunately. There is nothing I can do about that.I will do as you say and insulate myself from ss. I see no other way to survive this.
Thank you for the comforting
Thank you for the comforting words. I know that look your sister had in her eyes. I saw it in my son's eyes. He knew there was no way but hearing his step brother make those accusations was too much for him.
I am certain my in laws now wish my husband had never married me. I am probably a villain to them too. My father can't even defend himself. I feel helpless. I hope you are right and that time will make it better. I really appreciate you taking the time to write all that. I am happy you got out.
What a truly horrible
What a truly horrible experience! What an a$$ SS is! I imagine your DH is torn, not knowing the real truth but SS's remark about your Father being dead anyway suggests he did it for spite. It sounds like SS has ruined your life financially and created a lot of unnecessary heart break. I would have a hard time living with a man who believes his son over me. I am at a loss for any suggestions for you other than possibly seeking counseling. Is there any way your could get a job? Maybe set aside some funds to separate even for a short time so you can sort this out.
I am currently job hunting. I
I am currently job hunting. I will be doing pizza delivery part-time starting January. I need to get back on my feet again. It will be difficult.
I would consider at least
I would consider at least separating for awhile, or take a marriage sabbatical to create space from DH who is siding with ss. If you choose to separate DH can pay spousal maintenance while you're getting back on your feet.
Another option is to sue SS for wrongful death and defamation, use his college money for your lawyer.
My husband won't be able to
My husband won't be able to pay spousal support and all the other bills. It's a strange feeling. I still love my husband a lot and I want to be married to him. But living with his family and ss nearby gives me anxiety. I really depend on my husband for emotional support right now. He has been very sensitive with my feelings.
Suing ss would be impossible. It's his word against my deceased father's. I would also become the monster who is suing someone who was abused. I can't go through that.
(((HUGS)))) Mizfoxie is
(((HUGS))))
Mizfoxie is correct. You do not have to forgive. I am not sure if you are spiritual or religious. I am and I am Catholic , not that it matters. I struggled hard, very hard trying to forgive similar, very similar situations.
Do you know why I couldn't forgive---because first I was not asked to forgive nor was I (we) apologized to. PLUS with each month (over years) the actions became revved up. It was very scary for us all. I learned it is not my job, duty, moral obligation to forgive another persons terrible actions against me. I also include my bios in that statement.
Why does anyone expect you, me, neighbors, friends etc TO forgive someone unless they ask to be forgiven first. Even then forgiveness may never truly be achieved. True forgiveness is between the person and their maker.
My understanding of this has not changed me into a hard person, as a matter of fact by not trying to forgive someone who hasn't asked for it has actually set me free. I am softer, kinder and more focused now more than ever. I am very gracious and forgiving, loving and kind to those who are the same to me.
During my struggle I was restless like you are. Then it clicked with the help of a dear dear friend of mine who by all accounts was a much better person then I ever could be. I was stunned when she taught me to stop trying AND switch my thinking around.
Why should I carry around someone else's burden that I never owned to begin with because I would never EVER stoop to the lows that were done to me, to my dh and to 'our' bio's and my bio's.
Give yourself permission to be kind TO yourself. Give yourself permission to be free from someone else's errors. Don't own them.
It is a odd thing to realize the people who expect you to blow off, forgive etc are the ones who don't stop doing with they do. At least that has been my experience in life. Some for the people who spew "Don't Judge me', YOUR Judging me'.
Not sure what to say about your husband. Thankfully mine saw what was going on and It was a huge safety concern. Even the powers to be saw it too. IF you are scared inside your home your husband can see his child outside the home in public.
Thank Goodness too for finding ST all those years ago. There is something in learning your not alone.
Evil can never be forgiven
Evil can never be forgiven and shouldn't.
Why can't you leave now and take your half of all marital assets? Don't let your hopefully STBXH keep one micro penny that you have claim to. Leave him to splash in the cesspool of the shallow and polluted gene pool he shares with his toxic spawn.
My condolences to you on the loss of your child and your father. Do not allow this toxic POS kid and his ball-less waste of skin father to consume one more second of your life.
Enjoy the beginning of your new life adventure with these people as fading memories. Take care of you.
I'm so very sorry for the
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your baby and your Father. I hope you find peace and calmness in your life. You deserve to be happy and have all the support you need.
Forgive?? They need to earn that by grovelling up your ass and begging for it first!!
That SS fucker would be dangling by his teeny tiny balls on the telegraph pole outside my house. His useless spineless weak ass father would be dangling right beside him. It really confuses the hell out of me why some people act the way they do..its like they're missing some compassion or empathy gene..and some just need a good ole fashion ass whooping to beat it into their brains..smh.
Congratulations on getting a
Congratulations on getting a job and I hope it goes well! The awful things you talk about your SS having done, and the way your husband is now siding with him, makes me wonder if there is any future for your marriage, sadly. But I am glad you posted here, and wish you all the best with as you put it, getting yourself on a better financial footing.
Your job will open new doors
Your job will open new doors and you will become too busy to concentrate on SS. Concentrate and focus on your marriage and your DH. If he is being sensitive to you, that is great.
Take care of yourself, love yourself, give respect to the ones that love and respect you. It will come around. You cannot change what has happened, it was not your fault, don't try to make it right, and remember the good memories only.
Your SS will have several visits from KARMA; take my word for it. Do not allow him to come to your home and stay away from him. Do not participate in the dysfunctional actions of your DH's family; his zoo, therefore his monkey and his problems. Separate your marriage from this drama.
Stay here with us and involve yourself in positive thinking and surround yourself with positive people.