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Anyone have experience with step kids refusing to come visit?

Lisa120eta's picture

Hello Everyone,
Interested in hearing stories from parents who's step kids wanted to stop visitation. My SD is attempting to get her BM to not make visit anymore. We heard my SD on the phone with her BM last night asking her if she would talk to someone so that she doesn't have to come stay with us anymore. She told her BM that she doesn't want to live with us anymore. We didn't go through this with my oldest step kid. Wondering what is likely to happen if BM does what SD is asking her to do. Thanks!

Lisa120eta's picture

She is a two months shy of 10. I don't think she is old enough for the courts to listen to her yet but I'm worried that she may talk her mom into calling CPS or someone else.

twoviewpoints's picture

So what happened since yesterday evening?

Yesterday you were snipping that :

"Has it ever occurred to any of you that my SO ex likes that I love her children like my own and has told me so? My SO was was deployed for a year and guess who brought the kids over to me on a regular basis because they still wanted to spend time with me while their dad was gone? That's right, their BM. I keep trying to explain that we do not have a bad relationship and that we get along. I'm just merely looking for advice on how to make my SDs transitions easier as she is very attached to her mother. I don't need all the negative talk about how I need to not overstep and I need to know my place and act like I don't exist when my SOS ex is around. We're all adults and act as such."

and now this. Did Dad talk to his daughter about what you two heard her telling BM? Did something happen that didn't seem like a big thing to you but perhaps upset SD?

At age 9yrs judges don't usually take the child's desired choice into consideration. BM would really have to have some pretty big happening (example: unfit) to request a cease visitation and get it in court. Even then the NCP sometimes gets supervised visitations.

Lisa120eta's picture

Your guess is as good as mine. We had a wonderful day swimming in the pool. SD had a friend over, BBQd. Had a great family dinner. Everything was fine. What caused the melt down was SD asked her brother if she could use his phone to call their mom and he said no as he doesn't have an unlimited plan. She came out to tattle on him that he wouldn't let her use his phone so we told her there was no need to be upset that she could use our phones at any point to call her mom. Then we heard that. Yes dad went in and asked her again why she was upset and she said that everyone was being mean to her. I went in to do her hair before bed and she started crying and apologized her her outburst. I reminded her that there was no need to be upset that we are always more than happy to give her our phones to call her mom. she asked if I was mad at her and I said no. I did tell her that it did hurt my feelings when she says that she doesn't want to come here and stay with us and that it makes me feel like she doesn't like us and doesn't want to be around us. She said that isn't true that she does like me. I don't know what to make of it. Do you think it could be because she is going through puberty? She hasn't started her cycle yet but other markers are there that she is going through puberty. Do you think she's just emotionally because of that? Donyou have girls? Any input you can give in that area would be rhreatly appreciated. This is new to me, I do have a daughter but she's super chill and communicates her feelings without having outbursts.

twoviewpoints's picture

Yes, I have girls. Two. Both my and husband's bio-kids. No, while girls can be emotional little balls of wonder, I don't think puberty is your SD's issue.

Based solely on what little you've written about SD, my hunch is she is a Mama's girl who is use to being spoilt and coddled. Entitled, needs entertained and very use to Mama making everyone give in and let the child have her own way and/or whatever she wants.

Hey, kid has a cellphone on the way, right *kicks brother in shin*, so there! Wants to stay with Mama tonight (bet Mama spent the whole night catering to and entertaining poor sad baby girl who needed Mama sooooo bad) *kicks Dad in the shin*, so there! Had a lovely few hours with a friend, swimming and yummy meal, but now it's over and I'm bored, I'll go back to Mama , boo-hoo I don't like it here, I don't wanna come anymore *kicks SM in the shin*, so there!

Just my 2 cents.

Lisa120eta's picture

You've nailed it Twoviewpoints. Other than ignore her fit throwing, anything else we can do to stop them from happening? I feel like we make progress with her then by the time we are getting somewhere with her our time is up and away she goes.

Lisa120eta's picture

Was just sitting here thinking about what you posted and you are absolutely right. I picked her up from school yesterday and she was in a good moss. We went home we ate dinner she watched movies and played and came outside a few times to hang out with her dad and I while we were working on the yard. Here comes bed time and she wanted to call her mom caused she missed her. After that Friday that I let her go with her mom she came back to us Daturday with all kinds of stuff that her mom had bought her.

Java_Junkie's picture

Girls. Your description is reminding me of Jan Brady from The Brady Bunch. "Everything is always Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!"

Don't react to this nonsense. Set a boundary that she needs to be cool and put things into perspective AND not over-react when things don't go as her pre-teen expectations might prefer. If she doesn't get with the program, let her go be a PITA to her mom.

And remember: She's not JUST a kid; she's an adult-in-training. Keep that in mind, and that she's still using Crayolas to figure out her emotions - and you'll be just fine.

Lisa120eta's picture

Love love love what you said "she's not just a kid, she's an adult in training" perfect way of putting it.

Lisa120eta's picture

Just picked her up from school and she seems to be in a good mood. Let's see how tonight goes.

Maxwell09's picture

It sounds typical. She didn't get her way from her brother, then neither you or your SO got on to him or fed into the drama so she wanted to go to her moms. Is her brother a full, half or step? If he's half or step, she could just be milking the OnlyChild scene over at BMs. I think you did okay telling her she hurt your feelings but I also think your DH should have told her that saying those kinds of things when she doesn't really mean it could cause a lot of trouble. She would be wasting her mom's money to fight to take her, her dad's money to try to keep seeing her or to later go back and get things back to normal and that's serious. I'm strongly against the running back and forth from parent to parent, courthouse to courthouse all for a teenagers whims.

Lisa120eta's picture

Hi Maxwell09,
She does tend to throw fits when she doesn't get her way. My SO made that exact comment to me. "he said everything is fine as long as she is getting her way. He is her full brother. My SO and I don't have any kids together. He has a daughter and son and I have a daughter. We have done pretty good at not going to court. I just hope it stays that way. I worry that her mom may try and take him to court soon to stop the visitation. One of the other concerns I have is when her dad was talking to her and trying to get to the bottom of why she was upset, she accused my daughter of bullying her. Now I am not saying my daughter is an angel but I know that she doesn't bully her. She had her mom on speaker phone so we heard the whole conversation. It sounds like her mom sympathizes with her. Her mom told her that she would get her her own phone so that she wouldn't have to ask anyone to use theirs.

ESMOD's picture

I think it's probably not too uncommon for a young child to say things like this when they are upset. I absolutely think that BM should not indulge her in this and make her stay. (barring absolute abuse situations of course).

Now, when the kids are older teens and they have their own life going on.. perhaps visitation can be more fluid.

Rags's picture

Kids get no say. Particularly a 10yo. BM certainly can attempt to gain custody but Judges are not big on changing just for change sake. There usually has to be a fairly major motivator for the change.

If the Skid refuses to visit then SO needs to spank BM with a contempt motion for failing surrender the Skid for CO'd visitation. Each time the Skid fails to show... contempt motion.

Both the Skid and BM need clarity that dad's court ordered visitation will not be F'd with. PERIOD!

thinkthrice's picture

*like* Oh how I wish Chef followed this advice. I told him the same thing. . . does a child get to decide if they will brush their teeth? If they will eat nothing but candy? If they go to bed at 1 a.m.? Nope!