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Here We Go Again!

Dawn-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Dawn-Moderator on Fri, 09/08/2006 - 11:57am

The Ex called my husband this morning on his cell phone from her work. She had a computer problem at work and wanted to know if he could help her! Keep in mind that it hasn't even been a week since we found out that she has my husband's middle name as her computer password and now this!!

I don't think we have been doing anything different to cause her to be trying to buddy up to my husband. Of course, he told me that he can't be mean to her so he tried to not help her too much and let her down easy! I didn't say anything to him when he said that but I was thinking.....why?? Why can't he just tell her that she should stop calling him unless it is related to stepson? He doesn't want to be friends with her but he also doesn't want to make her mad. I understand that but how far do you let that go? He thinks she is messed up or having some kind of personal problems right now. Whatever!! She should go see a therapist and stop calling my husband!

Dawn

Comments

skye22's picture

Submitted by skye22 on Fri, 09/08/2006 - 12:14pm

Dawn~
I really really think that you need to address this situation. It is not OKAY for the ex to constantly be contacting your husband. Especially when it doesn't concern their child. I would explain to him that this is something that you expect to stop immediatly. It seems like you have expresses your frustration and he has ignored your feelings. You have every right to put your foot down. Your husband should not be her repair man or shoulder to cry on. These type of interactons should have ended with their marriage. She might keep trying for a while but once he has denied her requests for a while she will get the hint.

Dawn-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Dawn-Moderator on Fri, 09/08/2006 - 12:49pm

They haven't been together for 8 years!! They were never married and never had a home together. I can't see any reason for her to be calling him for these kinds of things. It has kind of been all of a sudden! I'm definately getting the feeling that something is going on with her. Maybe some kind of change in her life or something? Maybe she's going to kick her ex-boyfriend out and wants to have my husband as the back up go to guy!?

Dawn

happy's picture

Submitted by happy on Fri, 09/08/2006 - 12:20pm

OMG
What the hell is with the ex's who cannot let go. Basically that is what it is..
I really do not have that problem anymore but I remember 2 years ago now my hubby's ex had two pictures that would not hang right on her wall so she had there son bring them over and ask my hubby to fix them. So for months I had to look at them and move them to clean and finally I said you know could someone fix these damn pics and get them out of here. Needless to say my husband made the son fix them and take them back.
Dawn I really feel for you.. I am with you how come a man can be nice to the ex and say I can't be mean to her. But yet you piss them off and oh my gosh watch out your head may fly off..
SO I feel for you totally..
I would be telling her to have that ex-boyfriend whith whom she is still living with fix it.. What the heck..

lovin-life's picture

Submitted by lovin-life on Fri, 09/08/2006 - 12:25pm

I'm with you..!! Not acceptable.. If he's afraid of rocking the boat..and being direct with her....then he NEEDS to AT LEAST become very unavailable, for her "repairs"..her "counselling session" chit chats.."financial advisor meetings" her life her problems..etc.

I'd love to fix your comnputer..(car..etc)..but my WIFE & I have errands to run...or my wife & I are in the middle of working on /painting/ landscaping our home right..or my wife & I are on our way out for supper....it's "our date night..etc...

I agree he has to make him self unavailable!:)

Dawn-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Dawn-Moderator on Fri, 09/08/2006 - 12:51pm

why did he even answer his cell phone when he saw it was her???!!! He just said that he thought about not answering it but then did anyway. He has voice mail and she should have left a message.

Dawn

happy's picture

Submitted by happy on Fri, 09/08/2006 - 1:01pm

I think you are right something is going on with her or something is about to go on with her.. Sounds like she does want to fall back onto him.
I would say reverse the roll but you can't..
Just watch her.. We can be very insistant on when we want something. So watch her.. And I mean that all woman can be. That is the thing men say they do not understand women .. But a woman understands a woman.. Just be weary of her.. I know you have your guard up but it is very strange..

Dawn-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Dawn-Moderator on Fri, 09/08/2006 - 1:17pm

I will be eyeballing her really closely. Stepson was at her house last night so I will listen very carefully to what he says, if anything. Also, stepson has a soccer game tomorrow and she will be there. I'm putting on my sleuthing cap.

Dawn

happy mom's picture

Submitted by happy mom on Fri, 09/08/2006 - 1:17pm

Hi Dawn....yes this is a problem because it bothers you. You need to settle this w/your husband. Tell him how it makes you feel truthfully and want a change right away. I know you must be steaming! If he can't say it to her then tell her yourself. I would. Let us know what happens.

-happy mom

Dawn-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Dawn-Moderator on Fri, 09/08/2006 - 1:30pm

I just think she needs to get her own darn man and leave mine alone! Or even a friend or something!!
We would never call her for anything unless it was some kind of a big problem with stepson. We only call her when we absolutely have too.
Usually, when she calls it is some trivial thing about stepson but this other stuff has just started recently.

The good news is that my husband just called me and I told him about all of the comments from you guys and he agrees. He just doesn't know how to bring it up. He still says that she is trying to be friends with him!

Dawn

Candice's picture

Submitted by Candice on Fri, 09/08/2006 - 5:12pm

but you dh admitted he didn't know "how" to cut her off without rocking the boat. I have a real soft spot for the guys in this situation b/c of how unreasonable bm's can be. If he does rock the boat, part of him might be worried his son will be punished by her to punish him. I know my dh is always worried about how his ex punishes his son to punish him..which results in my dh always turning his cheek.

What you should be reassured about is that your dh agrees with all the comments on this site...he isn't burrying his head in the sand pretending it isn't an issue..he isn't ignoring the fact it bothers you b/c he does discuss it with you..he just isn't sure how to get his hands on the horns to deal with it. He will figure it out...

One thing to remember, is that she is an unreasonable person. You stated earlier this is out of the blue...they haven't been together in 8 years..they never lived together..so you didn't understand "why" she was doing this...let me tell you my friend she works without rhyme or reason. There isn't going to be a "why". She is just plain crazy, and has no one else's phone number to call.

I hope you can find a way to not feel so frustrated by her impulsive behavior/desire to be a pest in your guy's life.

hopeful's picture

Submitted by hopeful on Fri, 09/08/2006 - 5:19pm

I can certainly understand what you are saying, Candice, but at some point, someone has to say enough is enough. Perhaps the ex isn't that "crazy"....she makes the demands and gets the response she desires. Sounds pretty smart to me! Perhaps the exs haven't gotten over their past relationships. Does this happen more with ex wives than ex husbands. Ex husbands seem to move on fairly quickly. I certainly don't know what the answer is but I do know that my husband seemed to be fairly intimidated by his ex. She knew what buttons to push to make him comply....and the dance continued!

Candice's picture

Submitted by Candice on Fri, 09/08/2006 - 6:37pm

your right, he does need to set boundaries...I do have an extreme soft spot her her dh's position, and don't get me wrong, I feel for Dawn, I wish she wasn't in this position. It just worries me that sometimes we feel we need to change things immediately, and the kids end up being punished b/c bm's revenge...that is all I wanted her to think about..I was hoping that it was going to make her feel less frustrated.

One thing I want to touch on was your question about why this is more frequent in ex-wives than ex-husbands. One thing that I have noticed with women is, if they were the ones dumped, they never get over it until they feel they have been vindicated. Dawn's dh's ex was some chick that got pg, he never lived with her, and I think she may feel such harsh rejection b/c he didn't immediately let her move (which I support) and she is out to punish him for not basically kissing her ass.

My dh's ex took forever to get over the end of their relationship. She actually has assaulted some of the women he has dated after they broke up. Crazy! But nonetheless, it's a vindication thing from what I have noticed.

Dawn-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Dawn-Moderator on Fri, 09/08/2006 - 7:20pm

biomom is the one who cheated on my husband. He caught her red handed! When he confronted her about it, she said that she wanted to break up with him.
So she tried to dump him first before he could dump her!
I think she was mad because she thought that he should marry her when she got pregnant and he didn't. He knew it wouldn't work but he was trying to hang in there for stepson's sake. I think she may have been trying to make him jealous so he would come running back to her and propose. Then about 6 months or so after they broke up and he had his own place, he met me. I think that she thought she would get him back but it was too late after we were dating.
I think she still kicks herself till this date!!And I say HA! I got a good man and she's got squat!!

Dawn

Dawn-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Dawn-Moderator on Fri, 09/08/2006 - 7:12pm

They did live together for a short while at the ex's mother's house.
They never had their own place.

We have residential custody of stepson so he spends 2/3 of his time at our house. Biomom doesn't like to punish stepson on her time.
Even when she needs too. We aren't at all worried about her taking it out on stepson.

It does help knowing that my husband agrees with me but she is still a frustrating woman!!

Dawn

Candice's picture

Submitted by Candice on Sat, 09/09/2006 - 10:52am

earlier about bm punishing ss in order to punish dad, was like bm telling ss nasty things about dad to make ss upset with dad. I knew you had custody, and I wasn't trying to imply that she was fighting for him back.

I know when bm is upset with us, she tells ss all about her arguments/problems to her 12 year old as if he is her confidant.

Also, if my dh turns out to look like roses, she will throw negative comments into ss head so that he cannot thoroughly enjoy his time with his dad. She herself puts guilt trips on her son before coming over to our house just so that dad doesn't get a child that is happy. It is her goal to contaminate dh's time with son to vindicate herself for whatever she is mad about not realizing/caring what she is doing to her 12 year old.

And yes, this woman you are having to deal with is totally frustrating. For me, it just really helps me if I understand why my dh does the things he does. I don't always agree with his decisions about how he handles things, but if I know where he is coming from it does help me let go of the anger and not feel so frustrated. You are never going to be able to get this woman to pull her head out, she obviously is a real dumb ass.

I wanted to point out the positives in your dh b/c I do believe he is in a tough spot. My dh situation is pretty similar, his ex got pg just after dating him for 2 months, and she did it looking for a meal ticket. And she is thoroughly a frustrating person, who sadly get's custody of their 12 year old. She is a piss poor parents, and doesn't even try.

happy mom's picture

Submitted by happy mom on Fri, 09/08/2006 - 5:38pm

How to bring it up....Just tell your husband to tell her straight out, something in the lines of:

I wanted to tell you this for a long time now and I have to tell you now because it bothers me.... I would appreciate it if you don't call me unless it's about our son. I do not think it is appropriate to discuss other issues other than topics regarding our child. I hope you understand.

-happy mom

hopeful's picture

Submitted by hopeful on Fri, 09/08/2006 - 1:25pm

x0

nmg's picture

Submitted by nmg (not verified) on Fri, 09/08/2006 - 1:40pm

Dawn

I can so relate my husband used to do just about everything his ex would same jump and he would say how high? Unfortunately you have to deal with alot of anger and probably arguements before things change..and it still isn't going to be the way you want it. What I have learn is my husbands ex calls alot more when she does not have a boyfriend in her life, I tend to think she does this to get under my skin, but the fact of the matter is when you give someone an inch they take a mile and this is definately your husbands fault he is the one who did something nice for her the first time she asked and now she will make it a regular thing, you can not control her you can only control you and I know it is very difficult but don't let this needy witch get the best of you, she probably knows these things bother you and as long as the ball is in her court she will continue to ask your husband to do everything that she should take care of herself, on yours husbands behalf chances are he does it out of guilt for the child it most likely has nothing to do with her, you may have to put on your big girl pants and tell this woman that your husband is not her handy man and if she has a problem she needs to go a different route...And tell your husband that you support the idea of being a nice guy and not wanting to cause friction but his only obligation is his child other than that they have no ties I personally think that you should maybe have your husband change his cell number if she needs to call she can call your home I hope this little bit of advice has helped ease your mind..I know its a hard thing to deal with but trust me your not alone if you need someone to vent to just email me...I feel your pain...best of luck...

nmg

KarenB's picture

Submitted by KarenB on Sat, 09/09/2006 - 1:56pm

Hi Dawn, I used to have this problem.. When I first met my husband he was 'freshly seperated' I had nothing to do with this, she didnt want him around, I think she felt that he cramped her lifstyle... Anyway, when I first appeared on the scene, she had everything she wanted, the kid, the house, the money, him (at the end of the phone). She would call about 4 times a day, minimum.. for a while I just sat back and listened as I realised that they had to sort a lot of stuff out. But then she started keeping him on the phone WAY longer than she ought to, I saw this as our time... She knew I was there and it was her power trip. It was then that I put my foot down. My husband is a gentle man and it was very hard for him but I explianed to him that if he keeps dealing with her every need, she will never get out and do it on her own and will always depend on him, that he is not helping her get on with her life. He tried and with some 'gentle coaching' from me after he would hang up, we got through it. He would even let me listen in so I could hear the crap she was talking. I had to even tell him that the tone of his voice was wrong, that he had to be more 'business like'. Well, he was and I am proud of him for it, it wasnt in his character but it worked, she commented "your new wife has changed you, you're not as nice anymore" HA! In my opinion he should stick to topics that only concernt the kids and if it does go beyond that, let her talk but after she is done, say "that is really none of my concern now is it?" I dont think he should be aggressive in anyway, (as we all know what these woman can turn into and who ultimately suffers)... just indifferent, she will get the message.