Today is just as hard as yesterday....
I found this website today and I'm hoping somehow there is something or someone here that will help me get through this difficult time...I don't want to give up on this marriage, but I never dreamed it would be so hard...its only two years and it is already falling apart...what were we thinking...
- Overwhelmed in Texas's blog
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Today...
I don't even know where to start...I'm reading what all the other women have written and I'm wondering how did so many of us get into these marriages without having any real idea how hard it was going to be? I have all the problems the other women have compounded because their are 10 children AND my husbands ex-wife really is unstable! It's like having a bunch of people you didn't invite move into your home and then having a stalker with a vendetta living outside your home waiting for opportunities to make you miserable and now I feel trapped and responsible for the lives of all these children and don't want to be the one to break up their home again, but I'm miserable and my husband seems to be from the same mold as the others and is oblivious to how hard all this is on me...
The beginning...
in the beginning a lovely divorced women met a handsome divorced man and they started a dance and it was beautiful....they both had children, but her's were only with her half the time and his lived with their mother and visited 1st and 3rd weekends of the month...so they had time and they had fun and it was good and after 3 years of wonderland they married...and then the storm came and the ex-wife monster reared her evil head! She knew now that her control on the handsome ex-husband has slipped and that the NEW wife would begin to have control and in her panic she kicked two of the children out of her home and they came to live with us an 18 year old son and 14 year daughter....and they were angry and mad and the troubles continued...and a war ensued and lawyers and judges and police were called and the war continued for 18 months and it was a bloody war and in the end the other three children came to live with us...and suddenly...everything changed...the handsome husband could dance and romance, but parenting was something he lacked any skills in...and the lovely woman suddenly found herself with 8 children, half of whom had no manners, no respect and no father who could manage them...and she weep and her tears flooded texas...and if she doesn't stop crying soon...it could be pretty bad...
Hey Texas...
Oh My...10 of them!!?? Well we can't really fix any of your troubles but this site is about healing and working through your difficulties by venting and writing the things that happen and what you think about your situation. You can be totally honest here.
Best way to start is by blogging one situation at a time and people can respond with advice or words of comfort and support. And then there is Fearless...she is here to bring out the great bitch in all of us and make us all laugh when we really need it!! LOL..just kidding fearless we love you xx.
So bring it on Texas, sounds like to you need to have a big old vent to some awesome people who can honestly say they know how you feel.
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
And I thought I had it bad with five!
Oh, boy, ten kids! Well, like my great-grandma always used to say, you'll get your reward in heaven! I know that doesn't help much now. Probably the biggest thing you need is support and a shoulder to cry on... you'll get more of that here than you probably realize. We're all here to listen, offer advice, make you laugh and commiserate. Believe it or not, one of the most common problems you'll find on this site is husband's who either can't or won't do what they need to do. You are not alone!
I'm a big believer in boundaries and it sounds like you could really benefit from establishing some. Too often we stepmoms get sucked into thinking our wants and needs don't matter and it's all about the children. That's not true! Stepmoms have a right to be respected in their own homes! We have the right to lay down rules and expect that they will be followed. We have the right to discipline in our home. We have the right to decide who will live there. I know it's easier said than done, but the only person who can change your situation is you.
Have you tried talking to your husband and telling him how you feel? Honey, I love you, but this situation is taking a toll on our marriage and we won't make it if we don't establish some boundaries and stick to them. Then you come up with a written behavior plan... rules and punishments for breaking them. Communicate this with the kids and then you both must enforce it. As for the BM, have nothing to do with her... don't talk to her, don't ever give her the satisfaction of a reaction to anything she does. From today on, she doesn't exist FOR YOU. She is DH's problem, not yours. Live your best life in spite of her. Lastly, detach. Detach is one of my favorite words. The children and their behavior are not YOUR failure, it's the failure of their parents. Work on emotionally detaching from the turmoil, so that you can rise above it.
Most importantly, keep coming here, because sometimes just dumping all your problems on us can be a huge relief. You are among friends!
~ Anne ~
Mother of two, stepmother of three, irritated wife of one
"The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there." ...Anonymous
I Feel the Same Way
However it is my husband who is the biggest child. I thought I had it bad with 3 step children and they really aren't the ones making the problem. In my case it is the unstable BM and intimidated DH. Are ALL the children from the same BM? My goodness I can't imagine. Believe me I have one foot out the door myself and only because I am sick of the day to day drama.
The 18 year old. Needs to figure out what he/she needs to do. Go to college or work and contribute to the household plain and simple. If he/she is causing problems then he/she needs another place to live. I made that one clear to my very own sons. No different for a Skid.
You need to step back and not do a damn thing for the children and let DH do the work. He won't appreciate what you do unless he has to do it himself. You need to disengage and step back. When I mean disengage I mean you don't do a damn thing for the kids. Let DH cook and clean for them. Don't babysit etc. However kick ass if they don't do what they are supposed to do. After all it is your house too. DH needs to step up to the plate and be a parent. My situation is that I get stuck with what BM won't do and DH can't do. Financially I am drained. I am making some major lifestyle changes to benefit ME for a change. If the SKIDS do without because their very own parents won't be parents....not my problem and no matter how bad I feel about it I am not going come to their rescue anymore. I found out real quickly how both BIOS arejust coasting and letting me do all of the work. NO MORE!!! I figure they have parents and it is not my fault if the parents are failing them. Yes I love the Skids but maybe too much. It is at a point well my very own well being is in danger and not one person is considering me. So I am going to have to step back and take care of myself. If my situation doesn't improve I am flat out leaving and told DH the same. You need to do the same. Trust me I know what you are going through. Vent all you want. We are here to listen
Anne is right about BM. The divorce and court orders are between he and BM. You had nothing to do with their mess and I would not step in. Let them figure out and do the picking up and dropping off for visitations. Let them deal with the day to day details and don't allow DH to make you do a thing. I got totally sucked into the children's lives to find out that nothing I do really gets appreciated in the end.
thank you....
thank you for all the feedback, its nice to know that I'm not the only one in my situation. I think my biggest problem in all this is myself, I'm pretty much incapable of just ignoring situations that my husband is oblivious to, like making sure they bathe every night, keep their rooms clean and take a lunch to school that has more than cookies and potato chips in it and I could go on and on! When I see this stuff and he ignores it, it makes my blood boil and so I feel like I end up having two choices, do it myself or nag him to death to get him to do it...or ignore it completely which I am incapable of! So I end up nagging and arguing with him and then staying constantly mad at him which isn't doing anyone any good. I have come to ONE realization though, at least in our situation, and probably in a lot of others, the children are not the problem, the management of them by the father (or other spouse)is and if the two of you aren't on the same page, the kids pick up on it fast and go to town!