You are here

Do I have to consider my SD every time I want to do something special with BD?

lcooper's picture

Submitted by lcooper on Tue, 10/30/2007 - 5:08pm

Not sure about the PC way to handle this. I want to take my daughter to her first concert, coming up in about a month. Very exciting, this is one of her favorite groups, and I have personally been to one of their concerts, and know it is tame and appropriate for children. So, I mention this to my DH, he says that SD loves the group too, so if BD goes, then SD should go too. I disagree, I very rarely do special things for BD unless it is her birthday. SD has been to MANY concerts of groups that BD loves, with her BM. I think I should be able to have a special outing with my daughter, without having to include my SD every time. The concert falls on a weeknight that we don't have SD anyway, if we had her, OF COURSE, I would take her, but we don't. So, what do you think? Am I wrong for wanting to do this with just my daughter? Feeling a little selfish, I don't want to miss out on special firsts with my daughter, just because I have stepchildren.

Thoughts appreciated. Thanks.

Comments

Riley's picture

Submitted by Riley on Tue, 10/30/2007 - 6:13pm

I don't think it's wrong to be selfish once in a while. Selfish isn't a four-letter word and besides you want some "me" time with your daughter. Surely hubby appreciates that and does the same with HIS daughter, doesn't he?

One thing that I don't agree with is that what one child gets, the others get. It instills a lack of individualism and promotes the falacy that life is fair.

My sister has 4 children; her hubby and her do separate things with the kids all the time, rotating events as is appropriate for the parent's schedule. Even special events like concerts, camping trips, theatre, etc.

This is an opportunity for the DH to plan something special with his daughter and learn the value of building her self-esteem and their relationship as father/daughter. Just like YOU want to do with YOUR daughter.

Your daughter will feel special and his daughter will feel special. Buy him a newspaper and have him start looking in the movie section and planning something with his daughter rather than raining on your parade.

Anonymous's picture

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 10/30/2007 - 6:15pm

I look at it like this, if you include your SD in everything, then she does things with her BM without your BD how would that be fair to your birthdaughter? We go on one vacation with our kids and one with my SDs who live in another state.

sparky's picture

Submitted by sparky on Tue, 10/30/2007 - 7:21pm

I would sit DH down and explain to him that your child needs special time with her mommie. Just like his daughter has special time with her mommie and does special things. I would buy 2 tickets especially since the child is not even scheduled to be there. Sometimes you've got to put your foot down.

Shameless's picture

Submitted by Shameless on Wed, 10/31/2007 - 7:45am

I've been in your situation before, and I always included the SD. Over time though, my BS began to greatly resent that he didn't have any one-on-one time with me. Once he told me how he was feeling I realised that I was always putting his needs after the needs of my SD. So, I decided that from that point on I would let SD's father take care of her needs, while I made sure that my BS was taken care of. It has worked out very well.

littlegrlzx4's picture

Submitted by littlegrlzx4 on Wed, 10/31/2007 - 9:08am

My SD's LOVE going on Daddy Dates and my BD adore spending time with just me. It seems a waste to completely eliminate 1-1 relationships that existed before the blended family occurred.

Now while not including your SD in a concert that she would probably like, its probably just important to make sure she gets an "event" just as special, all to herself, with you or your DH. But it's important to remind the kid all the "extras" they get with other parents too. My ex is pretty much out of the picture leaving my BD's without any events on that side. My SD's BM tries parents like it's Disneyland every day so I know they receive plenty of special time, events, etc and are not lacking . I feel it necessary to spend time with them, but don't put on a full parade because they get far too much of it anyway.

Jen's picture

Submitted by Jen (not verified) on Wed, 10/31/2007 - 2:00pm

There is no need to do everything as with both kids at the same time. You don't even do that with bio-kids. If you don't spend time with kids on an individual level, they'll never really understand that you love them, and just because they're them.

I would suggest, however, doing something special with just the sd in the near future though....