Adult stepson
Hi, this is the first time I have ever written on any forum, I really need advice please. It's a long story, so bare with me.
I met my husband 15 years ago when I was 21 and he was 39. He has 2 children from previous relationship, girl and boy. When we met his son lived with him and his daughter with his ex. They had been divorced for 10 years when we met. So, me and dh build a strong relationship and I move in, at this point son is 17. Son never really warms to me, I make huge efforts with him and when he can see a benefit to him, he responds with pleasantries. Time moves on, we all live together mostly happy for 5 years. One xmas day my husband and I get engaged. At this point son is 23 years old. The evening we get engaged son decides at 3 am he is moving out and calls mother and sister to tell them he will be kicked out when we get married ect.. this is not true, and still to this day have no clue where this came from. Dh talks son into staying and all is well. We get married, buy house together, son comes with us. A year later we have our first child then a year after our second. Ss is working, but when not at work, lives in bedroom playing games and drinking. 2 years ago ss is diagnosed with underactive thyroid, he has a year off work and gets tablets and meds to treat. We support him. When ss returned to work a year ago, a new team member had been added and ss did not like him, this led to ss walking out of his job citing that his thyroid was the issue. We encourage him to re visit dr, he does not. Ss is now 30, not working, lives in his bedroom, my dh provides him with cigarettes, booze free sky, free internet and food that I cook. Ss relationship with our children Is strained, he doesnt like them being noisy, messy or anywhere near his room area. Yesterday we were playing music and dancing around together. Ss storms into the room turns speaker off, to which my 4 yr old asks why. Ss responds with I'm watching my tv and you are too loud and doing my head in. 4 year old runs off crying, 6 year old tells me he doesnt like ss as he is mean. I would love to say this is a isolated incident, sadly it is not. My ss walks past me several times a day with no acknowledgment, he did not join us for xmas day, dinner anything. He just took his dinner to his room and remained there. Over the time my dh has spoken to ss a d ss uses his thyroid issue to state he cant work or be around people. However he can stay up all night drinking and playing computer games whilst my dh and I pay off ss phone Bill's, overdraft and debt. I have had enough of feeling disrespected, taken advantage of and unappreciated anymore. There is so much more to this, but I would be typing all day. Am I unreasonable? Yes I knew he had children, and I embraced them, accepted as would be living with us and so on, however, I did not realise it would be forever!
The "you" below is a plural
The "you" below is a plural
He's behaving like htis because he's getting away with iy. He's got a good thing going here - he gets a roof over his head, food to eat, his debts are being paid off for him - hey, what's not to love about that!? Where is the money coming from that he's using (and who's supplying the booze?)? Is it from savings? Pension fund? I sincerely home that you are not paying a penny of it? Is funding his lifestyle causing you hardship? How does your husband see his son's future? How does your husband react when his son is rude to his siblings? Frankl:y, they should be allowed to have a normal childhood, not have it shut down every time their half brother gets cranky.
The first red flag was when
The first red flag was when your DH begged him to stay at 23, when he should have been independent already.
This needs to change, but it won't unless your DH knows there are possible consequences to him for allowing it to continue. And you can't allow your small children to be mistreated this way, so you have a tough choice to make.
The choice does not seem
The choice does not seem tough to me at all. No way in hell I would allow my young children to take second class status to a 30 year old man child. An underactive thyroid is NOT an excuse to be a lay about for life slinging off parents (particularly when he is behaving like this!).
Your HUSBAND may have a "tough choice" either he lives with his adult child or his young children. But OP, you should not have a tough choice... You must protect your children (and yourself!) from this ABUSE.
Also. This is the example being given to your children? Worthless adult?
Well, I don't have kids, and
Well, I don't have kids, and many people seem to struggle with breaking up a marriage when there are small kids involved, which I get. But to me, I agree - this seems like a case where they need to separate if he cointinues to allow this behavior from his freeloading son.
ultimatum
So often an ultimatum is the advice on this forum. I'm curious, does that work for other people? In my marriage, offering an ultimatum has only worsened difficult situations. I 100% agree with the sentiment above that the SS is a serious problem and shouldn't be living with you, endangering your children, or mooching of you and your DH, but I'm not sure what your solution is. If I told me DH it was me and our little or his adult children, I think he'd chose his adult children, and breaking up a family with littles at home is a very hard thing, emotionally and financially, for a young mother. Anyways, I'm very sorry for your situation. Please update us.
He’s 30 and still lives at
He’s 30 and still lives at home? Underactive thyroid or not (this is really an excuse to be a lazy twat your whole life? My sisters bf had his thyroid removed due to cancer, maybe I should tell him he should be mooching off everyone else for the rest of his life. He’s clearly doing it wrong. Jesus), he needs to get out. He’s had a free ride long enough & it’s well past the time he starts supporting himself. Why is your DH having an issue cutting the Ford with this adult child?
I agree! Time to cut the Ford
I agree! Time to cut the Ford! :D.
I don't get these parents who allow this crap.
I didn’t notice I’d written
I didn’t notice I’d written that!
*Cord. Haha
Why did your husband talk his
Why did your husband talk his 23 year old son into staying when he said he was moving out? He should have let him move out, it was time.
My sister has NO thyroid and manages to work a demanding full time job.
my dh provides him with cigarettes, booze free sky, free internet and food that I cook.
I'm afraid that I would be looking for my own place if this were to continue. Absolutely ridiculous. This grown man needs to go....or I would. Or better yet, your husband and his son can go get a place together.
Yeah, who needs a YEAR off
Yeah, who needs a YEAR off work to treat an underactive thyroid? I think it gets better pretty quickly with the pills.
What does your husband say about this???
Is your DH content for SS to live with you from now on, because that is what is happening here! My husband has been on thyroid medication for years, it is not a disability! Your SS needs to be able to support himself mentally, financially, socially, etc. If I were you I would have already had to move out, my SS did this for a year and I was slipping into my own depression and had to ask DH how much longer we were going to support this kind of thing. DH told him it was time to make a move and he did. Now he is mostly supporting himself with a job and his own one bedroom apartment. I hope you let us know what happens.
Your DH is an idiot for
Your DH is an idiot for tolerating the bullshit of his toxic adult son. Thyroid my ass. Lazy and useless is more like it. All facilitated by your DH.
Time to give DH clarity that the useless POS goes and that your joint young children can no longer be exposed to this toxic useless adult in the home they are growing up in.
Gone. Now.
Start by putting a door with a deadbolt up between his room and the rest of the hoouse and not allowing him access. Ever.
Then, let your kids run amok, laugh, play their music, and dance to their hearts content. No more food, no access to anywhere but his room, shut down the WiFi and cable TV to his room and invoke a state of abject misery that will force him to launch.
Tell DH that if he insists on continuing to house adult SS that he needs to have a GrannyShed delivered to the back yard complete with a kitchenette where SS can rot at h is own pace in a space physically separate from your family. He can starve or thrive of his own volition in the Granny Shed in the back yard.