Being cut out of step kids lives completely after the relationship fails
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If you were with your spouse for over 5 years and had a good relationship with their kids (yes there were times when you were annoyed by them and frustarted by the parenting) and have known their kids since they were very young (3 and 5, and are now 8 and 10), is it healthy for your ex to cut your out of her kids lives completely because the relationship failed? And now you have been replaced by a new guy and it is as if you never existed? I am not stupid and am well aware I have no rights whatsoever over her kids. But do you think it is the right decison to do this?
I don't think it has the kids
I don't think it has the kids best interests whatsoever. It has the best interests of their mother of course. It is all about "me, me, me" then you wonder why these kids end up having problems. I think it's better for the kids (if the step parent had a good relationship with the kids) if they remain in the child's life as a friend, mentor, in some way. Even if they only get to see them once in a while.
How comfortable would you be
How comfortable would you be having to deal with the presence of the kids' father AND their ex- stepfather?
lol the kids father, former
lol the kids father, former step father and current step father........It sounds like mom needs to be single for awhile and focus on her kids instead of her own needs.
What do you mean?
What do you mean?
How many of your partners
How many of your partner's exes are you comfortable with being in your family's orbit? Should they keep seeing everyone Mom dates?
I do get the pain of losing stepkids, but it's pretty inevitable unless they are adults who can decide on their own.
You're making the assumption
You're making the assumption that the stepparent was a good influence, and that the parent wants that type of influence in their child's life. Not every SP is a victim.
Plus, who's to say that the SP would teach the child to respect their parent? The SP may be seen as someone that the SK can run to and complain because the ex-SP is an ex.
Ultimately, it's the parent's
Ultimately, it's the parent's decision. I would hope adults wouldn't involve themselves with parents without first thinking through these consequences. We can't predict the future, but often, especially in these shorter relationships, there were a lot of red flags that screamed "THIS RELATIONSHIP IS A MISTAKE" that went unheeded by both the parent and SP.
If the adults cannot realize they have a toxic dynamic and yet another relationship fails, then it's probably best for the SP to move along so that the parent can get their own crap together for the sake of their kids.
I think it would be harder
I think it would be harder for the stepkids and parent to just act like the person just fell of the face of the earth.
Not really. My dad had a GF
Not really. My dad had a GF for several years after he and my mom split, and I didn't give too much thought to the split. I even liked the GF, and she was around quite a bit.
My SSs have lost a SF who they called "Daddy". He was around for a long time, and a complete waste of flesh. What hurt them was them being a waste of flesh and their mother not being able to decide if she wanted to stay with him or not. By the time they divorced, the boys were over him and the BS.
You're assuming that, as a SP, that you're important. Fact is, you may not be as important as you've made yourself to be. The kids may care, or they may not. Their parent clearly doesn't, and if the parent doesn't, the likelihood is that the kid eventually won't either.
Hell, BPs are able to convince their kids to hate their other BP. What makes you think that it would be difficult to get over a SP?
What made him a "waste of
So true. Most of these kids are brianwashed by their bio parents who are often the real problem, not the kids. What made him a "waste of flesh"?
You could go back and read my
You could go back and read my previous blogs about BM and her now XH. A short list includes stealing the boys' money for probably drugs (he was a pill popper after an accident), didn't hold a job, didn't clean the house, drove repeatedly on suspended licenses and wrecked at least 3 cars that I can remember, etc.
Once, before I was around, he came by DH's place and told him that CPS was at his and BM's apartment taking the kids. DH raced over there and starts questioning BM about what was going on. BM had no idea, XH showed up a few minutes later half-laughing telling BM that he finally got DH over to the apartment so they could talk. DH broke their apartment door off the hinges as to not hit the man (DH was young, angry, and a hothead then).
Mind you, this was an apartment that DH was PAYING FOR for BM to live in with the boys. DH was also paying the utilities, BM's car insurance, and her cell phone bill. So XH was living there for free. XH also moved into my MIL's house while BM and DH were still married. BM was living with MIL while DH finished up his final year of his military contract. BM just moved XH in with them and they tried to kick MIL out of her own house by being a-holes.
Oh, and he was a father with no job and paying zero CS, but liked to run his mouth about my DH's poor parenting. When BM kicked him out the first time, XH called DH and begged to talk to the boys because he missed them. I'm sure you know how well THAT went over. So yeah, waste of flesh.
If you left them with
If you left them with positive memories of you and their mother doesn't wipe them from their minds, they might get in contact when they grow up.
Clean cut....wish them well
Clean cut....wish them well and go on your way.
Sounds like your ex was using you. Thank GOD you did not adopt the children IF it ever came up.. I do not mean that in a cruel way. Adoption is a beautiful thing but not someother living mans child. Happens a lot then the bm ditches the nice guy and socks him with a hefty child support amount.
Be very careful of "single moms"...wait until the kid is UP and out as adults to become a part of her "family".
Sorry your going thru this...there are better days ahead for you !!
Yes everyone needs to be
Yes everyone needs to be aware of "single moms" I am NOT saying all of them are bad however I've heard way too many stories on here of men who have been used by these "single moms". They often use the men to support their children and then kick him to the curb when they don't feel like he should be "parenting" their kids or when someone else comes along. They are very self centered people. It is called using. Again not every single mom is like this but many are. Just be aware, especially those who have younger children living with them, have a recent ex in tow and are hitting you up for money to pay for their things/their kids things then guilting you by saying "we are a family" or "you should accept them as your own". Those are NOT your kids.
I still have contact with my Ex SD
We divorced in 2014. I met exDH in 2006 and SD was was 6 years old when I met her. She's 19 now. We have the occassional dinner out or see a movie. I see her about 3 or 4 times a year. We text about once a month or every couple of months.
At first it was difficult to see her because I was still grieving the loss of the marriage and it was hard for me. Over time, it became easier. She's a really good kid. Having a "friendship" with her is easy.
I haven't had any contact at all with exDH for 2 years.
Sometimes is okay to maintain a relationship with your ex Step kids. AND its okay to honor yourself and do what's right for your own mental health because maintaining ties with your ex family may be difficult.
Right or wrong.... you have
Right or wrong.... you have no rights and it is what it is.
Better for you to move on. The kids are young and in the long run you won't matter.
Sadly.
Personally I think it varies
Personally I think it varies by situation. I know a lot of people will say a clean break. A lot of people think that it HAS to be that way. I've talked this over with my therapist a million times... I don't think it HAS to happen. But it depends on the environment and communication betwene exes. Both the ex and kids could thrive on a continuing relationship. IF and ONLY IF, the other ex isn't going to be manipulative, petty, use the other person, or cause issues. It would have to be amicable and solely for the kids with no other motivator.
So IF that can be it, then it can happen. But since you ex is keeping them, it's going to be more beneficial for both parties to move on rather than cuase a struggle.
Kids probably already see
Kids probably already see their bio father, possibly their grandparents, maybe their aunts and cousins and whoever other relatives they have, spend time with their mom etc it's completely unrealistic to expect the kids also devote their free time to seeing men whom mom dated or lived with.
What if it was more than one?
There is not enough time in the day for kids to see everyone in the family plus spending time with mom's exes would take them away from their families. if mom had kids with exes then I see that kids need to their siblings. But that's not the case here
It's unrealistic and unnecessary. Now, as grown ups they can see mom's exes if that's what they desire