My suggestion: don’t allow him to continue to manipulate you because he is comfortable in this situation.  The more YOU adjust your wants and needs to make him comfortable, the more he will resist when you ask him to consider your feelings.  Boot his ass out, have him adult on his own with his kids, if it really is “love” then he wouldn’t have his “foot out the door.”  If that’s how his love works, then girl bye!

My suggestion is to really think about how important it is to you to have your own biological children. I'm guessing he hasn't had the vasectomy reversal yet?

Also, if he is only home 50/50 due to working out of town, and he has his kids 50/50, that either means he is only home while also caring for a 3 and 5-year-old, or that you are spending some of your time as their primary caregiver. Both are no bueno.

ETA i know a lot of us on this site put up with a lot of BS and it's easy to tell someone else to leave their relationship. But if you want kids, time is limited. Put YOU first when it comes to that. 

As I read your post, it reminded me of my own journey.  We, also, had frequent changes.  We went from the 2 of us living in my apartment with my 2 kids, to visitation all weekend with his 3 kids (total 5 kids from 5 to 11 in a small apartment) to renting a house with 5 kids there all summer - all within a 6-month period. Thank heavens I was able to quit work, it was totally overwhelming until I quit and not great afterwatds.  And, that was just the first 6 months! 

2 years followed where we had his kids every second they werent in school.  They weren't bad kids, just very high energy and aggressive.  It was quite a difficult period.  We decided to marry and buy a house.  The next two years were tough, too.  Things were at a breaking point when I entered therapy which changed my life.  I had sort of checked out from the kids and the chaos but therapy helped me re-engage.  Good thing because the 3 kids began to move in full time, one after another.

That first summer in the new house, with all 5 kids there 24/7, with all their friends tripping through, was "eventful" and coincided with DH's job requiring travel Monday thru Thursday.  But I was stronger and it worked out ok.  As his kids were here all the time, they settled in.  I think the back and forth transitions had been tough on them, not to mention the loyalty bind to BM.

I'm 80 now and the "kids" are all in their 50s and 60s.  We lived thru it, we made it. My therapist's advice back in the day was to stay close to DH, prioritize one-on-one time with him and it helped get us on the same page about the kids.  Before that, he was probably getting "advice" from BM and winging it on his own.  

Would I do it again?  I'm not sure.  It is the achievement of my life that I got myself and all of us through it.  The experience of raising our 5 kids and everything we went through made DH and I "deeper thsn dirt".  It can work out but it's not easy. I think it depends on how committed you are to your SO.  It's no sin to admit to yourself that you dont want to go thru the step experience and move on.

Whatever you decide, Welcome! And good luck.

He would lose 50/50 custody ,and have to pay CS.  Have to hire help with his kids. And all child care falls on him.

Oops it looks like your are the hire help.with benefits. For him.and what's going on with the vasectomy reversal , he's waiting until you are too old.   
'This is the '''honeymoon '' part of the relationship. It's onky going to get worst.. we understand your problem. You are right. It's his kids, and they are not your problem. He has to take care of them. Not you. 
'Step parenting is hard with little reward.  You must have the ''talk''  refineing your role .  That you have control over your life and home.  That his kids are only with you when he's there to parent them. Not you.  If He's  not there kids are with BM or at a babysitter. 
What you will do abd not do. You are not the babysitter.
'that he's going to get the vasectomy ball rolling. It could take years. 

Repeat after me, "love is not enough, not ever."

I have the impression that it is you making all of the concessions, which is a common problem we steppies see on this forum. Then all the concessions we make are never enough. We end up not getting our needs met as a spouse and 100% of the onus is put on us to make all the adjustments and eat shit. Ask yourself what needs of yours as a spouse are getting met. Probably very few if any. In my case it was none at all. What are you getting out of this relationship? What concessions has your SO made for you? 

If you were my DD I would strongly encourage you to run fast and run far. Have you looked into the statistics of vasecetomy reversals? They don't always work. Also, really ask yourself without being blinded by love if you think it's a possibility that your SO is dangling the vasectomy reversal carrot to get you jumping through hoops and doing things his way while sacrificing your needs. Step parenting is thankless to begin with and often these dads (which is why we're here venting) do not even so much as offer any words of appreciation. It's soul destroying. I've been in the game for 30 years and even though my DH made a ton of changes I still regret every single day that I got involved with a man with brats. I NEVER got my needs met as a spouse and I was expected to enable dynamics that only hurt me. It's not worth it. Love is not enough. Run fast and run far. 

You have gotten lots of good advice here.. most of it says.. runnnnnnnn.. 

Look,  you may have been in a relationship chronologically 2 years..but the pace of seeing each other allowed (probably) both of you to keep up the "best me facade" each time you saw each other.  His kids weren't a big factor.. and it was easy for him to promise you what you want.. kids of your own.  He also was able to divest himself of expense by moving in with you.. yay him.

Now, when there are compromises to be made.. you see he is the kind of person that only wants to make you adjust.. not him.. not his kids.

So.. is he really the man you thought?

And... if you DO stay together.. you realize you will NEVER have your own little bio unit.. those kids are here to stay.  that is if he even does have a child with you.. I mean.. he has 2 already.. that may be plenty for him.. he may not want it in his heart.. do you want your child to be there if the father doesn't really want it?

and his kids are YOUNG... you have 15-20 years min where those kids will be living in your home at least part time..

OH>> and his work situation.. being gone half the time.. which  means the other half is wrapped up with his kids.. when you want to go away for that weekend together.. how will that work?  it likely won't.   My DH has worked jobs where he has been gone long stretches.. I am not a fan.

You don't really mention too much about the EX.. but expect any drama to ramp up if you do decide to move on .. have a kid.. get married.

in the end.. you don't have all that much invested.. a couple years.. but if you waste more time.. you are likely to find your self childless taking care of kids for a man and his Ex... with little appreciation.

Firstly, if you have started having panic attacks and had not previously had these before - that is a very strong sign that you are being forced into a situation you aren't comfortable, or even OK with. 

Secondly - this bit of your account: "On top of this, his work schedule has changed multiple times to accommodate 50/50 custody, and he now works 1 week from home and then travels the off week"  - it appears that you will never have time on your own as a couple - which will be tremendously hard.  I know my own relationship couldn't have survived this. 

The red flags in this situation would make a communist party parade look like a capitalist celebration.

He is showing and telling you who he is. Believe him. What and who he is has nothing to do with the love you feel for him.  Love is blind.  Which is why we cannot be when assessing making a life with someone.  In blended family situations, love is not enough.

He is a failed partner, a failed father, and a failed adult.  He is not  your equity life partner, he is taking advantage of you.  Get them all out of your home now.

As for listening, your body and your mind are screaming at you that this is not the right relationship for you. Listen to your body and your mind. 

If this shit show is starting with this level of manipulation and tension on his part and with anxiety attacks, etc. on your part it will only get worse.  Do not pollute your gene pool with this guy  unless you want your own child to be far down the priority ladder for this failed father. failed partner, and failed man  You will never be his priority. His X and their children will always trump you and any joint children you have with him. Far more likely than not anyway.

Know that first marriages for both partners fail 40%-50% of the time. Second marriages fail at a rate of 60%-67%. Marriages including SKids fail in the 60-70% range.  SKids drive an even higher risk of failure into second marriages. Throw in the stressors of an XW and failed family progeny, and the failure rate of a marriage that is both a first marriage and a second marriage is daunting.

You are young and have no children.  You are a catch.  Do not undervalue yourself by making this shit show official. 

I am a SP with no BKs and have been for more than 30 years. I have the unicorn of SParent and blended family marriage experiences.  My bride of approaching 31 years and I met when my SS was 15mos old. We married a few days before his 2nd B-day.  We never lived nearer than 1200 miles from the Spermidiot.  We met at University where my bride was a single teen mom full time college student working 3 jobs.  My DW also had full physical and legal custody.  Even with our Unicorn situation the 16+ years we lived under a court order and had to deal with the shallow and polluted end of our son's gene pool was a PITA.  As it turned out, SS is an only in our marriage.  Though he is the eldest of 4 all out of wedlock by 3 different baby mamas in BioDad's brood.  He asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen.

My bride and I agreed from the beginning that we would be equity life partners and equity parents to any children in our marriage.  You likely cannot have that considering your SOs situation.

My SParent/blended family life has been incredible. Even with that, I advise not diving in with this guy.  There is very little that indicates any confidence that it will work our well for you.

Welcome by the way.  I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful advice from others who are living the adventure of the blended family dream.

Take care of you.  We each owe ourselves to live our best lives. That cannot happen for you in this situation.

IMHO of course.

Deep breaths.  

On Tuesday, after much thought I suggested we consider living separately again, at least for a year (due to rental contracts). I felt that being in his home rather than him and the kids being in mine would allow me to adjust at a more natural pace. He immediately refused, saying if he moved out, he would have one foot out the door and struggle to reconnect with me. I understood that moving out would mean he’d have to furnish an entire home again, and I even offered financial help and furniture (as he doesn’t have his own – he moved into my house with his and the kids’ belongings, the kids’ furniture and that’s it), but he still refused to consider it. His reaction hurt, but I agreed to keep trying further adjustments but couldn’t promise they were going to work.

Trust your instincts, your desire for self-preservation, and your knowledge. You know what is the right thing to do. And please do not pay a grown-ass man with kids to move out. You are still young. Create the life you deserve. Hugs. 

Sorry, but he doesn't sound great to me.

What would he do if you were not available to "adjust to these changes without issue"? You could take a job that requires travel. 

What would he do if BM is gone and he had full custody? She could pass away unexpectedly or be ill/injured and unable to care for the kids. 

As for that vasectomy reversal.. IMO, he held that over your head like a golden trophy to move in together and make his life easier. He may always find an excuse to never have it done (and the reversal is not always successful).

Do NOT pay him anything. He might expect you to pay living expenses after they move out.

Love yourself enough to be happy and eliminate unnecessary stress from your life. 

Sounds like this relationship is only benefiting HIM. Of course he doesn't want to move out - you are helping him with the kids 50/50 now and he is reaping the benefits. Sounds like he would have not wanted 50/50 if it were just HIM. I hope he is paying MORE than half for rent/utilities/groceries, etc. 

Think about IF you do have kids... he is only around every other week when his kids are. He is traveling the other weeks. The reality is that you would be a 50/50 parent yourself. That's not a life I would want. 

However, I truly do think he is manipulating you with holding the vasectomy over your head. I don't think he has ANY intention of actually doing it. He just got your hopes up when wanting to move in, getting you to agree. Especially since he didn't ask about 50/50. 

So you get to decide who lives in it.

Period. End of sentence. 
 

Basically saying screw your. How can you love a man who just  want to use you,  when he travels and[ doesn't come home. Call the police saying he not home , and there no one to care for his kids.  Have social services take the kids out of the home , to BM or a shelter . 

To get  the vasectomy,  But now the reversal...,'''it's a problem'''. Even though this relationship is riding on it.  Yes you are forceing  him into the reversal  like BM '';force'; him into it.