You are here

Does ex have enough boundaries?

markwvualum's picture

my wife's ex husband and father of her kids gets under my skin. what gets under my skin more is that she seens no problem with his behavior and defends it because "he's their father". Am I over reacting and being too sensitvie and should I relax? He.....

- Always comes into our house when picking up/dropping off his kids. He can't just drop them off and leave. They are 5 and 9 and capable of walking into the house themselves. He has to walk them into the house or come into the house when picking them up and dropping them off and has to chit chat with my wife about things that have nothing to do with the kids

- He calls my wifes phone nearly every night to say "goodnight to his kids" around bedtime. Step son always puts him on speaker phone and I have to hear him BS with his kids every night for about 10-15 minutes about nothing important. It is so annoying and seems invasive. Maybe I am wrong and over reacting? 

-He can never make concrete plans and set a time to pick his kids up on visitation days. Everything is always last minute so if my wife and I want to make plans we have to wait to decide on what we are doing and when based on his last minute scheduling. 

-I feel like my wife knows way too much about his personal life, work life, family problems and she takes up for her ex husband. They both laugh and joke about his crazy parents, whom his dad is dating, things that are going on at his workplace, etc. Things that I really don't know why my wife even knows. He will even sometimes pick her up something to eat while at the store, etc.

 

When i mention that I think he is invasive my wife gets defensive and angry towards me and says Im being jealous, insecure and he is "their father". Weird thing is he's thier father but my wife and her kids have financially suffered because of him and still does. He doesnt pay for their insurance and although he pays child support it is very little. He also takes his kids for a total of 3 hours per week, never overnight and never longer than that. Some father he is. I guess he thinks calling my wifes phone each night to speak to them makes him a good father. Am I wrong and over reacting?

Harry's picture

Remember his wife and her EX were lovers at one time.  That does not go away,  they may hate each other’s but at one time something was there.  There no reason EX has to walk kids to the door. Ex should not be able to come into the house. He can sit in the car and kids can walk out to him.  He is just inserting himself into your family life’s 

kids should call him. Not him calling the house.  At 9 yo they can call there father if they want.  He will distroy your marriage if you let him.  This is his end game.  To cause you pain

beebeel's picture

"Dear wife, it makes me extremely uncomfortable when your ex comes into MY house. I need you to meet the kids at his car if you are unwilling to ask him to respect this boundary. If you don't take care of this and handle your ex, I WILL. And you may not like how I handle it."

"Dear wife, it makes me extremely uncomfortable to hear your ex's voice bellowing all over MY home. During phone calls with the kids, I need them to stay in their rooms and I'd rather they not use the speaker phone feature. If you can't respect my boundary on this and take care of it, I WILL, and you may not like how i handle it."

"Dear wife, it makes me feel like I'm not a priority when weekend plans with me are always dependent on your ex. I will be going to _____ this weekend and I'm not waiting around for last minute schedule announcements. I would love for you to join me, but since you have ignored my complaints on this in the past, I'm going to live my life without worrying about YOUR EX'S schedule."

"Dear wife, when you and your ex chit chat and share things about your lives that have nothing to do with the kids, it makes me wonder why you even divorced. It makes me feel insecure and I hate feeling that way. It has nothing to do with trusting you. This is a problem of you not respecting our marraige. If I had an ex lover over on a regular basis and it seemed like I was always flirting with her, I don't think you would appreciate it. If you can't respect my boundaries or our marraige, I will have to make a big decision. And you may not like the choice I make..."

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I'm going to focus on phone calls. They may annoy you but you need to get over that. It's 15 minutes and it's with his kids.

Don't want it on your wife's phone then buy the kids their own.

Check your wife's custody order. At the bare minimum it most likely says that parents must allow reasonable communication while the kids are with them and 15 minutes at night is reasonable. So what if it's about nothing.... Am I to assume that the only things you say to your wife are mandatory? You never ask about her day or talk about a movie?

Consider this..... what would you say to a judge to try and convenience them that a father shouldn't be allowed to say good night and talk to his kids. Even better think about telling the kid "you can't talk to your dad because.......? Really how do you end that?

caitlinj's picture

I think you're missing the point here. The kids are old enough to call their father and they should do so instead of it being the other way around. Poster says they have been encouraged the kids to do so then they should. There is no reason for ex to be calling the home each night, espically his ex wifes phone There is no reason for him to be on speaker phone so his voice is carrying over the whole house. I say the kids call thier dad, in their rooms,  not on speaker phone. Also why does it have to be before bedtime each night? It seems like an odd intimate time for an ex husband to be calling his ex wife's phone each night. I'm just sayin'. There are simple solutions and boundaries that can be put into place ot make the situation more comfortable and healthy for all that aren't beng considered. Either the wife is extrmeely self absorbed and inconsiderate, or she still has feelings for her ex. The ex will destroy the marriage in time if things do not change which is what I believe he is trying to do

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Of course he's going to call the wife's phone.... The kids don't have their own I'm going to guess. Should he be calling the new husbands phone instead? Maybe if the kids had their own cell phones it wouldn't have to go through wife's phone. More than a few young kids habe phones for that exact reason.

The kid is the one turning on speaker unless somehow dad can control the phone from another place. I haven't figured out how to do that yet so if you know how let me know. Speaker phone isn't always to annoy another person. My mother uses it constantly because it's easier. SO's kids use it so they can both talk at the same time and the little one needs it more because he still can't fully manage a cellphone without accidently hanging up. Sure OP can ask the kids to take it to another room.

The man is calling every night at bed time because it's a set time and it's when the kids are not distracted so he can actully speak to the kids. Here if BM calls any other time the kids are short with her because they want to play. At bedtime they are more than happy to spend a few moments sharing about their day and I wouldn't take that away from either of them.

As for their age that's bull. Dad wants to speak to his kids every day. He's not a bad guy for that and if we left it up to kids then nothing would ever happen. By that logic don't ask the kids how their day was at school. If they want to tell you they will.

The man is speaking to his kids. It's not about OP or his wife. It isn't about anything but him wanting to talk to his kids. Keeping that door open is important because it sticks with the kids. They know every day they can depend on that small time. 

Allowing the kids dad to speak to then doesn't mean the wife is cheating. It means she respects their father's place in their life. 

There could be other issues but this is overboard and OP needs to get over himself. Buy the kids their own phone if it's that big if a deal... or leave because really if your that upset about this then there are serious problems and you need to move on.

caitlinj's picture

I get where you are coming from with the phone calls. I do think his wife could be handling it better by doing this: When the ex husband calls give the phone to the kids and go into another room. Tell them not to put it on speaker phone as other people in the house may be working, reading, etc. Little things can go a long way. However Im curious as to what you think of the ex coming into their house when picking up and dropping off his kids. I don't think its necessary he does this and don't see why the kids would care either way. It seems a little bit of a territorial thing for the ex. I wouldnt like it if my man's ex wife came into our house but my man knows better than to allow this. Im also curious as to what you think about the ex not making set times, and not sticking to set times when having visitation with his kids. A good father would set a time and stick to it regualrly in my opinion. It's also good for the kids that he sets plans, he is on time and consistant.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

That is a high conflict topic and every person goes about it different. 

In my personal relationship and me personally I don't care. 

I personally don't feel that exs have to be enemies. In fact my closet friend, second to my partner, is an ex of mine. The last one before my partner. We broke up but we just weren't good as a couple. My partner and my ex each know their roles in my life and respect their place. Now I have another ex that my partner does hate and my ex has an ex that I did hate. However just as SO hasn't tried to forbid from contact with bad ex I didn't try to do it with my ex's ex.

We communicate. We don't dictate. That spreads into the rest of our life.

SO HATES his ex. She was abusive to the max, cheated on him repeatedly, has pretty much used the kids to blackmail him, the list goes on. And yes she did try to get him back. The day the kids turn 18 he will delete her phone number and forget she is alive other than running into her at major life events for the kids like their weddings.

They do alot of stuff that people on here condemn and I'm ok with it because I trust him and I don't think that I need to control him. If he can speak civilly to BM then that's great. When we go to pick up the kids if we have to get them at her place I will sit in the car and he will go knock on the door. I don't feel this is wrong because they can handle it. I'd be upset if I was left waiting for 20 minutes or more but a little bit of chatter while the kids finish getting on their shoes doesn't ruin my day. He's even entered her home before to grab whatever. He's their father and she's their mother. She may be Satan on the phone but in person the kids see them interact calmly and that's great.

Yes I'd allow BM to enter our home and stand in the living room if she came to get the kids because that's polite.

I guess that's what it comes down to. I was raised that you invite people in and you be polite. Yes it's my home but where I grew up the living room wasn't territory for me to protect. That's our bedroom. BM has no place there but our living room.... whatever. I want the kids to see that too because one day they will mimic the actions they see. I want their friends to come to my door and step inside. I don't them to think someone sitting in the car and honking the horn like you call a dog is acceptable.

In my view if I can't accept BM at my door there are bigger issues. Either I don't trust my partner which means I won't be with him or I don't trust BM to the point I fear for my safety and if that's the case exchanges should be happening in a public location far from my home if they still have to happen at all.

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

Mark, do you read and reflect on the responses to your questions?
I have looked at some of your other posts and your various questions/scenarios all address the same issue.  It is like you are deftly dancing around the greater issue which people are consistently pointing out to you and then you circle back.

It kind of reminds me of the intern doctor who asks: "The patient is cold, should I get him a blanket?". Observation is correct, treatment is wrong... The patient is cold because he is long dead. (A blanket is of no use.)  
Mark, honestly, you see the symptoms. I dont understand why you arent seeing (or reading) the fundamentally bigger issue. 

strugglingSM's picture

Some of the things you mention are annoying, but part of dealing with stepchildren - specifically, him calling to speak with his kids every night. I don’t think that’s terrible. I think it’s good that the kids feel comfortable to talk to their father openly in your house.

The other things you mention - particularly the not being able to make plans and using your wife as an emotional outlet - are boundary issues. He is still psychologically married to your wife. He needs to separate himself from her - and she from him. For both of them to truly move on, they need to separate their personal lives fully from one another. I’m not a believer in being friends with an ex - one person - sometimes both - typically still has feelings for the other and staying friends keeps the hope of reconciliation alive. I know that this is challenging to do when you have kids, but people who still keep up on an ex’s life are either back-burnering their ex or are not ready to give up on the relationship. I have lots of friends without kids who have divorced and not one of them keeps up with their ex. Some don’t even know where their ex is at all. I know you can’t do this when you have kids, but I think that means people have to be very disciplined about breaking the relationship and relationship patterns with their ex, or they will never fully move on. It’s fine for people to do that if they want to be single forever, but you can’t fully give your heart to another if someone else (I.e. your ex) still holds a piece of your heart. Even fighting is an act of intimacy, so I think finding a way to be as low contact as possible is the only way to move on.