DW still handing out money no questions asked
Just a quick gripe today. My SD19 moved out of the house a couple of years ago, and went into the army after high school. Overall, she's doing about as well as she can for herself.
However, she is still hitting DW up for money, and DW is handing it out no questions asked. It hasn't been a huge amount, maybe $200 over the last few months, but I guess it is just the principle of the idea that bugs me. SD19 lives on base, has no expenses, and makes decent money for someone her age (especially considering that she gets free housing, healthcare, etc.). However, she is constantly overdrawing her checking account and looking for DW to bail her out.
DW always goes on and on about how smart her kids are, but when I asked why SD has this problem, all DW can say is that SD is "only 19." SD19 is old enough to vote and old enough to serve in the military, but apparently she's not old enough to balance a check book. Ughh.
Does she ask her Dad for
Does she ask her Dad for money or just Mom???
i hear ya, but look at it
i hear ya, but look at it this way. this kid could be costing a lot more if she was living at home.
I agree with nosugar. My bios
I agree with nosugar.
My bios are adults with homes and kids. I make twice as much as my DSO, who has full custody of his DD and visitation with his DS.
If I want to help my bios or gkids, I'll be damned if I am going to ask my DSO what I can or can't do with MY money. Same for DSo, if he wants to pay his adult sons car insurance, its his money and not my business.
Now, if I was handing out DSOs money or if the bills weren't paid, etc...then DSO has a right to bitch at me but its my business what I do with my discretionary money, same as him.
I realize I'm not married, but I refuse to marry until SD is 18, or 4 more years.
Maybe she could give the
Maybe she could give the money next time only with the stipulation that she sit down with her daughter and go over her bank statement to see where she could cut back a bit or help her make a budget. It is a wonderful life-long skill that she will be better off for.
When I was 19 I had no
When I was 19 I had no trouble understanding how to balance a checkbook or how to spend only what I have.
I would have said $200 over several months is no big deal except that you named "bailouts" as the reason. That I do have a problem with. Handing out small amounts for extras and for generosity's sake is one thing. But prolonging a young adult's irresponsible habits is another. That doesn't work for me at all. Those bailouts will just get bigger and bigger over time including 7 lbs at a time that need bailing out by living at your house for another 18 years.
Is she using the money for
Is she using the money for crack? Sometimes your expectations can be so high, that you really start to believe your own b.s. about where someone should be in their life. She moved out before she was even legal age and joined the military, which most people would support, since she is fighting for our country and all. She seems to be responsible enough to maintain her military "career" and continue to live on her own. Getting a little help from your mom or your family is not a big deal when you are trying to do something with yourself as a young adult.
Why are you so worried about the money? Are you and your wife in dire straits? If she was laying around, not doing anything with herself, under your roof, then maybe it would be cause for being upset, but she is at least doing something, serving a honorable purpose. Maybe you need to sit down and talk to her and tell her that although you are miserable now, that when you were 19 you made very practical and responsible decisions all the time and you never needed help from anyone,and that you think that her and her mother need to stop this before she gets the idea that your wife is a pushover enabler that will cripple her future because she is given her way too much money.
God forbid something happens to her, I bet you will forget that she was such a "bother" when you are enjoying the proceeds of the death benefit.
That's why this is a "gripe"
That's why this is a "gripe" thread. I wanted to gripe and get it off my chest, realizing that it is an annoying issue but not a huge deal.
I probably should have mentioned this in the original post, but SD has a life-long history of being a "big-shot," blowing her allowance money on her friends so they'll kiss her ass. Sure, $20 here and there is not a big deal, but this pattern has been going on for years, and could get worse. Also, SD19's "perfect" bio-daddy has filed for bankruptcy twice, and she has certainly witnessed him living beyond his means. I don't think I'm out of line by thinking that DW should be reinforcing lessons of financial responsibility.
Overall, I'm thrilled that SD19 is out of the house and living 14 hours away from us. I'm more than happy to pay for DW to visit her, if that means that I don't have to deal with SD19 crapping up our house and leaving used condoms in the bathroom when she and her boyfriend visit on leave. I just don't want to leave the door open for ever-bigger "bail-outs" and "big-spending."
I totally get what you are
I totally get what you are saying! First, a place to gripe. We can't talk about family with family and you don't want your friends to judge her either. I have a sd22. She is the most spoiled, ungrateful and irresponsible person I have ever known. And she will lie straight to your face. She has an excuse for everthing. Nothing is ever her fault, ever. She cannot own up to anything. She treats her dad, my h, like crap and he just takes it. It's so hard not to get mad at him, because basically, it's his fault. He allows it. She has never had consequences. It.drives.me.crazy. She is the biggest slob. Oh, that feels a little better. Thanks! But I do understand, it's time to learn the value of a dollar. I think my sd expects, expects, to always be bailed out of any financial situation. She always has her hand out. There has been many times of promise for repayment that never happens. Her word is not worth the ink wasted on this laptop, and of course, this laptop does not use ink
So gripe away and thank you for letting me gripe too. BTW, she has no idea I feel this way...my h really the extent of it either. The sd and I get along at home. I mean, I have to, what choice do I have? I love her father with all of my heart and would never want to hurt him or our relationship. I've been biting my tongue for years and cannot wait for her to leave, which will be very soon. Can.not.wait!!!
Gripes are fine. IDK, I am of
Gripes are fine.
IDK, I am of the mind that I will help my kids....they will get it all when I'm gone anyway. My DS is a spender and it annoys me but he always pays me back. It's not a bio/skid situation either. If DSO wants to give his kids money, I don't feel its my place to tell him what to do with the money he goes to work to earn (he is primary so no CS) and vice versa with my money. We aint rich, but the bills are paid, I'm in good shape financially so I guess in my world, not a big issue.
I don't care that my h gives
I don't care that my h gives my sd money either, however, he is not teaching her anything. Someday, the money will run out, will she know how to survive on a champagne taste with a beer budget? If she were 10, it would be a different story. My sd already knows everything. She will not sit down and have a conversation if there is any mention of budget, cleaning her room of filth, cleaning up after her self, etc. She always walks off blaming someone else, her stress blah blah blah. I have grown kids of my own and I must say, I did a hell of a job, not to mention a lot of luck. Both college educated, working with families abd financially responsible. Grateful, respectful, honest and loving. I often thought I was put here for a reason, I guess that reason is to just love, which I do and try like hell to keep my mouth shut. I worry about her future. I guess someday she will figure it out. But, it sure has felt good for me to get this out. Thank you for that.
Our kid enlisted when he was
Our kid enlisted when he was 18 and is now 22, nearly 23. Never once has he asked us for money and in fact he has saved a few $thousand. He moved off base a few months ago and even then he is saving some money from his housing allowance.
We told him once he launched he was on his own and would have to live within his means. Now, since he decided to enlist and have the USAF pay for his college studies rather than go directly to university on our dime we did buy him a new car. We gave him an extended warranty for his birthday about 6mos before the original mfg warranty expired. We also pay his insurance though that is only to ensure that we have coverage for any cars we rent or family members let us use as we do not own any vehicles of our own since going international.
We have given him furniture as Christmas gifts and money for new uniforms since his original uniforms can no longer be tailored to fit him since lost quite a bit of weight and is now very buff and cut. He never once has asked but since we do stay in touch and speak often we have a pretty good idea of what things we can help out on without actually interrogating him.
Time for mom to let the little dear starve for a month or two rather than subsidizing the crappy decisions.
I would agree to the
I would agree to the occasional bailout if it meant Keeping skids out of the house and maintaining both of our independence. Glass half full - alternative is her not being able to afford being on her own and having to move back with you... Crack open the check book!!!
I'm bookmarking this so I can
I'm bookmarking this so I can access your kid launch blueprint, Sally, when I need to show it to dh. SDnearly16 is going to be a super train wreck at 19. This will be great for DH. He is looking for ideas.
Meh. I've given my kids the
Meh. I've given my kids the last $20 out of my checking account! Oldest is a lawyer now so he doesn't need my $$$ anymore, DD22 is in grad school, she budgets well and has $4,000 in the bank. But if something comes up unexpected, we help her out. Thing is, all 3 of mine are good with their money as is DIL, so if they ever ask for it I know they really need it.
Late poster here -- I get
Late poster here --
I get Paul's gripe. What IS she blowing her money on? For the most part, being in the military means this: housing - FREE. Food -- FREE. Uniform allowance (at least when my first DH was in the Army he got this). The things that aren't free? Civilian clothes, eating out all the time, clubbing, etc.
She's gainfully employed.... probably the best employment someone at age 19 could get. She's not going to get "fired" (well, she could, but it takes a lot or a really egregious crime). She doesn't have to make rent, pay for groceries. Clothing for work is supplied.
Today it may only be $200 or so over the past few months, but if Paul's DW doesn't start teaching SD the ropes about this, that amount will climb. So many say it's no big deal now... but what if in 6 months it's $2000 or $20,000?
The dollar amount may seem insignificant, but it's the life lesson that is at the heart of his post.