Future step kids
I love my fiance. He is divorced. I am divorced. We each have 3 children - relatively the same ages. We have the same custody arrangement, so we have either 6 kids, or no kids. At first I really, really enjoyed being around his kids...but that was before the divorce was final and my children moved in with us - now it's just awful. His children are VERY affectionate, outgoing, loud, and energetic. Mine are not nearly as affectionate, somewhat outgoing, quieter and not quite as energetic. His children are always, to put it poorly, in your face. They want to show you something, tell you something, do something with you. My kids are not that way. They are much more independant. If we sit down to watch a movie my kids sit by themselves and are quiet. His kids fight over who sits in his lap and ask questions and throw in comments throughout the show. It is just irritating to me. I know it's just a difference of the atmosphere they were raised in, but their behavior to me seems rude and ill behaved. I like my kids' independant attitude. I don't ignore them, but that aren't constantly around me. They entertain themselves. They do their thing, I do mine. Then we do things together too. I am so stressed after a weekend with all 6 kids and no structured plan. My fiance wants me to lighten up. I don't know what to do to "lighten up". My children are by no means perfect - I would never say that. I just don't like the constant interaction. Is that wrong? What can I do? Do I need to lighten up? Do I need to be more like my fiance? My fiance has given me the impression that I am need to improve my skills as a mom. I always thought of myself as a good mom. Now I don't know.
You do not need to lighten
You do not need to lighten up. You are not the problem. You have the right to decide what you are and are not comfortable with and he has the responsibility to respect that and to teach his children to respect that. Your children seem fine, which leads me to believe you are fine as a mom. He needs to improve his skills as a father and teach his children that they need to respect other people's boundaries. My sd is very needy, always talking and demanding attention. I'm not comfortable with it and quite frankly I largely ignore her and occasionally just make her go in another room if she's being too intrusive. She doesn't like it, but too bad. I'm allowed to be me. I don't need to change my comfort level to suit hers. I sacrifice enough of myself to keep her safe and take care of her, etc. You do NOT need to compromise yourself away to keep the peace for dh and to keep his children comfortable. Read "Boundaries" by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend. Your responsibility to his children is to be respectful and civil. Anything beyond that is a bonus. Your dh's responsibility to his children is to teach them appropriate behavior and to allow you to set boundaries. He is afforded the same with respect to your children.
There is a trend on this sight where bioparents think that steps NEED to give themselves up or they're selfish and jealous. This is a way for them to make their problems YOUR problems. Don't do it. It is manipulative and unfair for him to just assume you need to change.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
I WOULD NOT lighten up. You
I WOULD NOT lighten up. You are the adult, you pay the bills and they need to respect that. If you lighten up that is the beginning of them controlling the house. I am in a VERY similar situation and constantly have to remind my husband to set boundries for his kids. To many children now days "OWN" the house/rules and it's wrong. I often thought I was being selfish but then I think back to when I was growing up. It wasn't MY house, it was my parents house and they made the rules. You need to set boundries together and talk with ALL the kids. Tell them what you like and what you don't like. Tell them what you expect. It's working for me.