Help me please!!!!
Ok so a little background. I have been with SO for 2 years. His 6 year old Daughter lives with us and see the mother when ever the mother wants her. SD has bad behavior issues and gets in trouble more days than not at school. While her dad is work I take care of her and help with homework in the afternoons. A typical day for us and this happened today again for 1000th time. She came home mad because her mom had told her yesterday she would come pick her up today if she came home on good color. Of course SD did not come home on a good color. She came with attitude and mad cause she wouldn’t get to see her mom. I attempted to start homework and she got an attitude immediately. I have learned from past experiences it’s best to stop homework at this point. So I told her to go to her room. So she goes to her room and screams at the top of her lungs for 30 minutes. Then comes out and continually says to me I want my mom. I explain to her that isn’t my decision and when her mom calls she can see if her mom will change her mind. She screams again. I tell her she is on punishment already for her attitude and coming home on a bad color to go back to her room. She tells me no and follows me everywhere I go screaming I want my mom. I cal her dad so he can make her listen. She has always listened to him. But today she wouldn’t even listen to him and is being completely disrespectful to me at this point. Throwing things at me and pushing me. At this I literally lock myself in my bedroom because she won’t stop. To which she just bangs on the door screaming my name. This happens all the time. If she gets in trouble at all for anything this is what happens. I told SO today I will no longer be alone with her because she will not listen to me and I refuse to be disrespected by a 6 year. I have an 16 and 18 and they weee never allowed to act in such a way. I told him if there is no other option he must tell her she is to come home and go directly to her room and. It come out until he arrives home for work. It’s to the point I hate a 6 year old and now hate myself for feeling that way. What else can I do. Please help!!!
Disengage
Wow this sounds like a terrible mess. Why are you putting up with this? What mother withholds seeing her daughter and dumps her off on another woman to burden the fallout of bad behavior.
Disengage from this girl ASAP and tell DH that he needs to get his act together with SD, and BM needs to start parenting.
I’m to the point I want to
I’m to the point I want to leave. DH counldnt even control her today so he thinks maybe send her back to moms. I hate that though cause it’s a bad situation. What mom refuses to see a child if they don’t do good at school.
She is acting
like that because her mother refuses to see her unless she is "good." This is a small child and her attitude,anger, screaming, etc are directly related to her mother's conditional love. What kind of POS parent tells a small child that she will only see her if she has good behavior at school?
The child needs a set visitation schedule with mom or no visitation with mom. Your SO needs to go back to court and have it set in stone. She also needs less punishment and more praise. If you plan to continue to be the one to care for her I would switch to a positive charting of her behaviors versus negative. Sticker charts work well for that age.
I would also make a schedule for when she is home. For example: From x time to x time it is snack, a short break for play and then homework. From x time to x time chores. Then play time. Helping with dinner. Free time and then bath, book or song, then bed.
This isn't really a disrespect issue. The child is acting out because she honestly and literally wants her mom to love her and spend time with her. She feels abandoned and unloved.
We have been trying the
We have been trying the reward method since August when she moved in. We tried a sticker chart which she ripped up. Then I made pop cycle sticks and labeled them with different rewards. I always try to include her in everything. But when father isn’t around she goes out of way to be disrespectful and will not do anything she is told. And homework time starts the minute she gets home and we take breaks in between each item. Meaning after spelling she gets a snack time then we do sight words. Then we break time then reading. None of these things have worked. Her mother tells her she doesn’t have to listen to me. Her mother’s family tells her to never listen to any white woman.
Kids need a break
after school. And at six she should have no more than 10 minutes of homework per day. Snack and play time should happen before homework.
Counseling should be dad's next step. This is a child who is hurting. Mom is an asshole. In the case mom is 95% of the problem. The other 5% comes from needing to find the child's currency and the child needing some additional help to sort through her emotions.
It takes 20 minutes just to
It takes 20 minutes just to read the AR book she required to read every day. Plus there are spelling words she has to study as well as sight words. Then we have math homework. And she has at least one work sheet everyone sent home to do. So 10 minutes isn’t an option.
Read the book to her , that
Read the book to her , that much homework is unacceptable.
I agree. My kids elementary
I agree. My kids elementary school got rid of homework all together. They have a 0 homework policy. It was amazing!
It is required she read the
It is required she read the book. I am to read it to her the first time and she has to read it twice more. We already skip the second time of her reading it and only make her read it once. I’m not sure where you live but this is the requirement from her school. If it’s not done she can’t pass the test on it. Even after it being read to her and her reading it once there are times she still doesn’t pass the test. Even with all the homework already done the teacher just sent a note home that she wants to keep her after school another hour for tutoring. I wish 10 minutes was an option. I have even met with her teacher and told her there are nights I’m not done with homework even after 3 hours. She said I just have to keep going. It was the same story last year when I met with the teacher.
I don't think this is your
I don't think this is your responsibility anymore. The tips others have provided are meant to be helpful, but none of these are going to solve this issue. She may be acting like this because of her mother's behavior, and that is unfortunate. You can't help but feel bad for the kid. But your DH needs to handle this from now on. It's too much for you, and would be too much for any of us. Stick by your statement that he needs to find another way to care for her. You should not have to care for a skid that won't listen to you.
Belt to bare toxic kid ass.
Belt to bare toxic kid ass. Stinging butt cheeks tend to reconnect the kid brain with reasonable behaviors
Lather, rinse, repeat.
I couldn’t agree more.
I couldn’t agree more. However BM has made it clear I am not to whip her. I can respect that as I have kids of my own and there is fine line when it comes to step parents whipping step kids at times I agree. But if my only option is to put her in timeout and she will not stay I don’t know what else to do other than make she her dad explains she is to stay in her room until he comes home.
This is called child abuse.
This is called child abuse. You can't beat a kid's bare ass with a belt unless you want to go to jail.
I feel sorry for this kid. Her mother shows her her love is totally conditional, and her stepmother wants to beat her.
Leave your husband, maybe he will love this kid. This is horrifying.
I’m not going to debate child
I’m not going to debate child abuse as that is a fine line. However SD aunt is a CPS worker and has said the law does allow corporal punishment and whipping her with a belt is fine. So beating her is child abuse I agree but popping her with belt is not considered abuse in terms or CPS. However whipping her doesn’t do any good anyway so that isn’t a form of punishment used.
No, it's not a fine line at
No, it's not a fine line at all. Beating a 6 yo on her bare ass with a belt is child abuse, and you can justify it in your head all you want. A spank here and there is one thing, but pulling down her pants and whipping her bare ass with a belt is abusive, demeaning and just flat out WRONG.
There are loads of studies that indicate that kids who have corporal punishment used on them get MORE aggressive and angrier and more disturbed.
This kid is probably traumatized. Get her in therapy. Or give her to somebody who might love her.
The kid is neglected and people want to beat her because she acts out.
Not true.
In all states except DE corporal punishment applied by an adult acting in loco parentis is legal. A SParent qualifies.
To be clear on your state. Here is a resource that lists each state’s applicable laws.
http://kidjacked.com/legal/spanking_law.asp
Forgive me for not reading
Forgive me for not reading all the comments.
You problem is BM. BM should not be a prize to be won for being good or bad. Your SO and BM need to come up with a schedule for visitation, not just roll with it. Kids NEED structure. If SD has a bad day at school and it is BM's day, she needs to hold to proper consequences at her house with SD. If she has a good day, then BM can be fun mom.
This is a serious talk that I would recommend you, SO and BM have together. You are a part of this little girls life and if BM is counting on you to be a parent to her, which it sounds like she is, you should be a part of the conversation.
Of course BM is the problem
Of course BM is the problem here, but that doesn't mean it is your problem.
Your SO needs to fix this.
First, remove the toxic BM. Either she follows a schedule or she forfeits her custody time.
Next he needs to get the SD into therapy. This will help with number 1 as he will need evidence as to why she should not have custody.
And finally he needs to find after school care. You are not the parent of this girl and at no time are you obligated to put up with her abuse. Ever.
You are the spouse and not the parent. Your SO needs to understand the difference and parent.
You sound as if you really
You sound as if you really tried to do the right thing by SD. It didn't work.
So stick to your guns that until THEY can get THEIR kid under control, you are out of the mix.
You did the hard part of setting this boundary. GIve it some time to see how they handle it. I agree that if it costs her parents money, they might get the kid under control. If not, at least you've taken steps to make it their problem and not yours.
If you don't want to flat out
If you don't want to flat out say you don't want to watch his daughter anymore, put it in this perspective:
"Watching your daughter is no longer an option as she refuses to listen to me. I cannot ensure the safety of a child who will not listen to me and I cannot be responsible for her actions if she chooses to defy me at every opportunity."
It's quite simple, really. There's a reason babysitters are given authority over the children they watch and parents expect their children to listen and respect their babysitter. It's for safety. This is the easiest get outta jail free card for not watching your spouses kid.
I mean, yeah, honesty is important. But I get it. That turns into the old "you hate my kids" fight. Who wants that? Just tell him it's about safety and he'll need to ensure she's watched by someone who is qualified to handle her IF she decides she doesn't want to listen and does something dangerous. There's also a reason daycare providers are required to know first-aid and all that.
VIDEO!! Video the fact that
VIDEO!! Video the fact that you have to lock yourself in your room to get away from the physical abuse. Protect yourself.
Sounds like you need after school daycare as you can not control her and are putting yourself in danger by being alone with her. She will lie about you, allegations of abuse can cause career problems as well as other problems. You can call police if she is endangering herself or anyone in your house. Protect your older kids too. No one should be alone with this child. She is only going to get worse until something is done.
BM is an idiot for saying I will see you if....
She should be going to
She should be going to aftercare at the school. Dad can pick her up after work.
I am new here but I could not
I am new here but I could not help but post a comment to you. I have 10 years of being a step mom to a horrible child. When SD was 8 to 9 years old, I actually made her go to her room and stay until her dad got home, which was only for 30 minutes. While it gave me piece of mind for that 30 minutes, it did nothing and solved nothing. If I had to go back I would have insisted that he put her in an afterschool program, something positive at least. I wish I knew about disengagement then, because that is exactly what I would have done. I have done so only by being able to cope, without even knowing about it. SD is his responsiblitly, that is the only way to do it with a child that will not listen to you. It will only make things worse the more you try.