HELP PLEASE
Okay I need some serious advice. This is about my own children. I have an RO against dad and sole legal custody. DD has always been "mine". By that I mean even as a baby when I was with BD she never bonded with him. She doesn't like him. She has told me and her counselor she wants a dad, just not her dad. My counselor who meet with BD during the court investigation believes BD to be a text book NPD, and bi-polar.
DD10, would rather be with me then anywhere. Period. It is just who she is.
BS8 has always been more divided. He wants to believe BD, he wants a relationship with his dad and actively played dad's games, less so now because of counseling but still feels responsible for BDs feelings and happiness.
BD is asking for alone time with BS. Wants BD to stay here next Friday and he will get her on Saturday. I feel it is great for her and we can maybe let her start setting her own visitation schedule. Yes, a child in control is bad but even her counselor and attorney said this should be an option for later with her.
It is just it leaves BS alone with dad and I am worried because BD watches what he says around DD as he knows she tells me everything.
I feel while doing what is best for one child, I might be sacrificing the other.
BDs background would take forever to explain, but our marriage ended due to emotional and verbal abuse. He has called me every name in the book. Our court order was changed on clothing because I had the kids pack their bags and be responsible. If they forgot socks he would scream how their mom is a bitch and he wished they had a better mom. Now he has to provide clothing for them. And when that court order came through he told the kids he couldn't take them to do anything fun because mom was making him buy clothes so he couldn't afford it. That is just an example of what he says to them. My DH and I have been married almost a year. We got together before my divorce was final but I was living on my own had full custody of the kids and left my marriage done. The ex dragged the divorce out 22 months. BD told kids DH was the reason for the divorce. I had to sit them down and say, ok look, when DH moved next door to us (townhouses) you two wanted to meet the kid. We were already not living with dad and hadn't for a year. You two were there the day I met DH. How could he be why I left dad if I already left dad??
So lots of emotional and verbal abuse from BD and head games.
I'm torn between doing what is best for DD and what I think is best for DS (never being alone with dad) even though DD lives in her room on dad's weekends.
Help please
Not sure what you want help
Not sure what you want help with??
If your ex has visitation rights then he needs to have visitation. Sounds like you have counselors, attorneys and the court overseeing everything so if they permit him to have visitation, then you need to support it within whatever constraints they have put in place.
Seems to me that you are trying awfully hard to prevent your kids from having a relationship with their father. You say your daughter has never "bonded" with him since infancy, but maybe that's because you have psychologically prevented her from doing so. It is not normal or natural for a child to dislike a parent unless that parent abused them in some way. And if he abused them, the court would not be letting him have visitation.
Sorry - but it seems like the only thing you want "help" with is keeping your kids from having a relationship with their father. No matter what his faults and failings are, he is still their dad.
If you stay on this path, it may backfire on you mightily. The kids will get older and will understand you alientated them from him - and they will resent you terribly for it. It may even affect their adult relationships. How can a girl trust any man if she has learned she doesn't need to have any relationship with her own father?
I haven't ever stopped them
I haven't ever stopped them from having a relationship with him.
Read, re-read and then read all the blogs on this site again. There is no justice in family law. It isn't so black and white as to say if he was abussive he wouldn't have any visitation.
Did you actually read what I write? Dad is asking for DS only time.
As far as contact, contact is allowed only about the children. He can't have my address, contact is email only and he is to stay 100 yards from me, my house, my car, my work,
I got them in counseling, I had the court appoint the children an attorney, I requested a custody investigation, I have been the one to follow the children's counselor and attorney's advice. The judge then based custody off of them. With is I have sole legal and father has visitation.
BD had little to do with her from birth until 4 yrs old, read child development. That is the form able years where bonds with parents are created.
PAS is abusive, and how many of us here can prove it? How many BD lose children over it? Just because I am the BM doesn't mean I'm preventing a relationship with BD. I actually got all the counselor a involved because I was pushing him to have visits due to me thinking they need dad in their life. 4 years later, you know what I have learned? No relationship is better then an unhealthy one. Every counselor, and attorney involved as said the same thing. The judge sat in court and said she wished she could do more because she doesn't believe DB has their best interest at heart, he sees a win/ lose situation with him and I versus it being about the kids.
If you have a restraining
If you have a restraining order against your kids' dad how are you going to do the switch? How is he talking to you without violating the order?
I don't think it's legally possible so I'd check with your attorney before agreeing to any arrangements.
My DH would say true that.
My DH would say true that. No restaining order in may case but 3 DV reports and 2 CPS reports concerning Biodad.
The judge ordered me to personally swab my ex's mouth for alcohol during the trade off points. WTF?
BD is the one asking for ONLY
BD is the one asking for ONLY DS. I am not sure if sending BS to be alone with BD is best even though it is what is best for DD.
I'm not even the one that suggested DD be the one to control her visits. Her counselor and attorney did.
I'm asking if this is really the way to go as I DONT KNOW!!!!!!
She doesn't tell me
She doesn't tell me everything said and done, only the issues. Dad calling me a bitch to them, telling them he is going to take them away, all the crazy he can throw at them. My normal response to her is and how did that make you feel? What can you do or say to make it better? I approach it as if she is talking about conflict with a friend and only focus on her, not dad.
It is really hard to not get upset or say anything bad about dad. But I try to only focus on what can she do, her responses have been I can go to my room, I can leave the room, I'm to scared to say I don't like him talking about my mom. I feel even though it is her dad, it is a great learning tool for both of them to figure out you are only responsible for yourself. So you don't like the situation, what can you do.
Lots of stuff going on in
Lots of stuff going on in your life and your explanation was a little hard to follow. I agree with the others. Of course following the antics of a bi-polar individual can be hard to follow.
Any Dad is better than no Dad except abuse ones. Beware of alienating your kids as you were advised it can back-fire. Kids have long memories at this age. Better to let them see Daddy freaking out over his image and bouncing back and forth from elation to depression than for you to keep them shielded and wondering if the problem isn't in fact you.
The court is aware of all this having made an investigation and has allowed visitation. Your attorney has weighed in and now its time for you to do what has to be done. Follow the court order to the minute as failure to do so could leave you lined up for a criminal contempt of court citation. Fines or jail are possible although unusual.
I PMed you to explain as I
I PMed you to explain as I really respect your opinion and all your advice as been very level headed.
Dad is asking for alone time with son. Daughter would stay with me. Daughters therapist and attorney are suggesting that her visits be separate from son. She would have an appointment with therapist before each scheduled normal weekend with dad, therapist and daughter would be the ones to say yes she goes, no she doesn't.
I'm not sure if this is a good idea. Don't know if son should be alone with dad, or if daughters visits should be cut short at only 10.
So you would support
So you would support separating their visits? I'm just concerned about DS being there alone and I really don't know if it is the right thing to let DD stop visiting as much.
Thank you for your response. I do believe not many people understand I'm not the one asking for this, BD, DD, her counselor and attorney are.
OP---RO aside, your kids are
OP---RO aside, your kids are old enough to be aware of their father's emotional shortcomings through you and their therapist. They should have the tools to deal with this type of person.
Give them an emergency exit plan. Who to call (911) and where to go (neighbors house) if things should get scary for them.
If Biodad only wants to see his son there's no reason to force your daughter to go if Biodad doesn't want to see her.
So I should support this and
So I should support this and only send DS??
Somehow I feel like it is throwing DS to the wolves to save DD.
And you're saving DS by
And you're saving DS by throwing DD to the wolves. BD and son want visitation. BD doesnt want to see DD (sounds like the feeling is mutual). It wouldn't be fair to her.
Just put safe guards in place. Everything will be fine. We deal with NPD in my family and this is what the CPS agent and therapist instructed me to do.
Thank you. Thank you for
Thank you. Thank you for saying what is very honest and clear and yet I failed to see. I am throwing DD to the wolves to save DS. This is a mutual request from both BD and DD. I was thinking 2 is stronger then 1. But it isn't because they have their own feelings about it.
You're most welcome
You're most welcome
I appreciate everything you
I appreciate everything you said. I just want to clear a couple things up.
Son feels he has to "protect" me from dad. So he says nothing. Daughter comes to me and tells me what upsets her, I don't ask. Custody order is for both kids, he only wants one. That part is a little hard for me.
Just for verification, he has
Just for verification, he has visitation right?
Because from my understand it is the parent's choice if they take visitation or not. I'd suppose that would mean he could choose to with one child and not to with another.
Also I understand your DD's lawyer & couselor are saying for her to delegate her visitation - however if your ex does not agree to this he could file contempt charges against you for telling her she doesn't have to visit if she doesn't want to. At least in our state & most states, it is 100% up to the NCP not the child or the CP if the child visits. So be careful, because if the ex is out to get you he definitely could.
Honestly, you don't have much
Honestly, you don't have much choice except to say no and both kids go. Or agree to your son going on his own for a day and then your daughter joins him.